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‘Our Mysteries’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: Our Mysteries

905. Our Mysteries

Aired December 22, 2009

J.D. calls on Turk to help him track down the one student who gave him a negative teacher evaluation. Meanwhile, Lucy is nervous about having to take blood from a person, and Denise and Drew make their relationship official.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] But while I went out of my way to connect with these kids, Dr. Cox had a different approach.
Dr. Cox: All right then, you gaggle of mini murderers, I am going to make these evaluations very easy for you. Here are some adjectives that describe my teaching style. "Abusive," "humiliating," "tyrannical" and "buttery." Why "buttery"? Because I don't care what you write. Moving on. It is time for your final practical exam of the quarter. Learning how to draw blood from an actual human being. Sadly, most of you will pass, but there are one or two of you out there who will botch this miserably, proving once and for all that you don't belong here. And oh, my God. It's like it's Christmas eve, and one of you is just a big box of failure waiting to be unwrapped. I want to open you. I want to open you so bad, but no, I'm gonna wait, because the waiting makes it so much sweeter. I'll see you tomorrow.

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Quote from Cole

Lucy: Cole, will you please be my blood buddy for Dr. Cox's exam?
Cole: Mm, sorry, baby, no can do. Doc says I got tiny baby veins. Something to do with my mom's eating blowfish in the third tri-mo.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, why are you here?
Dr. Kelso: This is my sex pad.
Turk: And what have you done with Barry Friedman?
Dr. Kelso: He dropped out of med school two weeks after it started. I've been using his dorm room as my love nest. I can't get with a gal In the same bed I shared with Enid. Gives me the softies.
J.D.: Wow, that's disgusting.
Turk: Ugh. Threw up in my mouth a little.

Quote from J.D.

Lucy: Dr. D., I can't believe you're leaving us. You were, like, the best teach ever.
J.D.: Oh, Lucy. But you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here and I'll be here.
Lucy: My stomach?
J.D.: Well, I would have touched your heart, but I did that to another female student, and it resulted in me having to watch a 4-hour video called "Boundaries".
Lucy: So teacher evaluations are due, and I am going to use gold stars and pony stickers for yours.
J.D.: Lucy, that's sweet, but I don't care about those silly evaluations.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yes! Lucy's in the bag.

Quote from Denise

Denise: "Your stupidity is so intense, It's burning me in the face."
Drew: Oh, Dr. Cox is on a tear today. I bet you 5 bucks this kid cries.
Denise: Nah, he's not a crier. He's the kind of guy who eats to make the sad go away.
Drew: Is it wrong that so much of what bonds us is sex and other people's pain?
Denise: Don't forget our hatred of art.
Drew: Oh, yeah, art's the worst. Here he comes.
Denise: I win. But I actually cheated. I had inside info. I slept with that dude during my fatty phase.

Quote from J.D.

[After a photo montage set to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life]
J.D.: Powerful stuff, huh? Six weeks ago, I wrote one word on the board, "medicine." So what's the definition? Well, if you believe the silly dictionary, It says that it's "the science of health maintenance and the prevention of disease." Snore. I think we're all dictionaries. We all edit the user-generated encyclopedias of our hearts. Those balloons were supposed to fall at the end of my speech. Okay, in front of you are teacher evaluations. Be honest. I'm trying to mold your minds, Not win some sort of popularity contest.
Cole: Sweet! A coupon for $2 off fro-yo!
J.D.: Yeah, and, uh, tell 'em Dr. D. Sent you. You'll get a little extra whip.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Great last class, buddy. It's your last day. What do you want to do?
J.D.: I don't know, Turk. I've left so many times. I've come back so many times. Even I'm confused. I think we should just sit this one out, old friend.
Turk: [emotionally] I'm gonna need a minute.
J.D.: Turk, no.

Quote from Cole

Cole: Oh, hey, Luce, guess what I see.
Lucy: Don't say it.
Cole: I see dead people.
Lucy: Yep, fifteenth time's the charm.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Lucy: Hey, Dr. Cox. I was just practicing for your exam. Taking blood is so easy.
Dr. Cox: Dynamite work. But here's the thing there. You're going to have to do this on a person who still has blood and can feel pain, not like this lump of flesh.
Lucy: Did you just flick that cadaver's ear?
Dr. Cox: Yes. I come down here to both increase my hand strength and relax. Some people go on retreats. I flick the dead.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: What's it say, Turk? I can't look.
Turk: Dude, you're number one.
J.D.: Yes! That's the part I wanted! This reminds me of when I was in my theater camp's production of Oliver. I still remember my one line. [British accent] "No, thank you. I don't like soup."

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Hey, Perry, don't you want to see where you're ranked?
Dr. Cox: I'm quite sure I'm last and I could not care less.
J.D.: Don't feel bad, Perry. Maybe you can go find some solace In one of your gym workouts.
Dr. Cox: Maybe. [flicks J.D.'s ear]
J.D.: Ow! I don't know how, but that knocked the wind out of me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: You know, Perry, you might want to watch a video called "Boundaries", especially the section on roughhousing.
Dr. Cox: Suck it up, Mary Lou.
J.D.: You cannot get under my skin today, not with reviews like these.
Dr. Cox: Wow. Oh, wrong. Really wrong. And what is this?
J.D.: What is what?
Dr. Cox: "Needy", "desperate", "light on medical knowledge, heavy on Broadway trivia".
J.D.: He wrote that I don't care about teaching and I just want people to like me. I'm a fool.
Dr. Cox: I know. It's beautiful. God, I wish these things weren't anonymous. I'd like to take this student out and buy him a steak. He nailed it. All the best.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Turk, am I needy?
Turk: No.
J.D.: Tell me a hundred times.

Quote from J.D.

Lucy: Thanks for letting me practice on you, Dr. D. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this procedure.
J.D.: How could anybody hate me? I'm literally bleeding for you guys. Ow! That's a muscle. Aim for the blue lines.
Lucy: Sorry. I don't know why I can't get this.
J.D.: I used to have a problem with the same thing, but then I realized you just gotta pretend the needle's your friend. Be careful, though. I told that to a med student once, and he became a heroin addict. But just pretend the needle's your buddy and you two are doing something you love to do.
Lucy: Like roller-skating?
J.D.: I would have said ice dancing, but to each their own.

Quote from J.D.

Lucy: Dr.D., thanks for always helping me through the tough stuff.
J.D.: That's okay. Maybe you should practice on, like, a student partner or something. Preferably someone who can't feel pain.
Turk: Ooh, like the Incredible Hulk.
J.D.: The hulk can feel pain, Turk. Also, lasers hurt him.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Dude, I hope you paged me 'cause you came to your senses and realized that we need to do one last eagle.
J.D.: Eagles are played-out, Turk.
Turk: How dare you.
J.D.: You and I are gonna find the kid that torched me. You said you wanted to do something this last week. This is gonna be fun. We'll be like the interracial hardy boys.
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk are like the Hardy Boys:]
Turk: Look. A clue. A piece of old man Peterson's overalls.
J.D.: That means he's the phantom of cat scan island. Dad's gonna be so proud of us, black adopted brother.
[reality:]
Turk: All right, I'm in. But you're buying me a magnifying glass.

Quote from Denise

Sunny: Denise, is this Drew? You said he was handsome, but wow!
Drew: What's happening?
Sunny: I can't believe Denise found that special someone. When I first met her, I thought, "This woman is probably going to die alone", but here she is and here you are and here I am to ask you guys if you'd like to go on a double date with me and Keyshawn.
Denise: I guess.
Sunny: Yes!
Drew: We're not doing that.
Denise: Of course not. I was gonna say yes, then call her at the last minute, tell her I'm sick, then change my cell phone number. Yeah, I owe her that. She is my closest female friend.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk and I were hard at work trying to solve the mystery of the feelings hurter.
J.D.: Now do you see how the R's in this evaluation form are the same as in this test from three months ago?
Turk: Dude, I totally see it.
J.D.: Hello, Barry Friedman.
Turk: Hacking into the med school files right now.
J.D.: You can hack?
Turk: No, I have a password. It just sounded cooler. We're in.
J.D.: Tell me a story, Turk.
Turk: Barry Friedman lives in the east dorms.
J.D.: Okay, buckle up, Barr. We're coming for you. Which way is east?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: How beautifully ironic that the queen of sensible slacks Is not even wearing the pants in her very own relationship.
Denise: What are you talking about?
Dr. Cox: Now I saw how fast Drew put the kibosh on that double-dating idea. Missy, you realize you're shoulder-deep in that inevitable turf war that defines modern coupledom. And, psst, he Is winning. And make no mistake about it, early victories are ha--huge. In our first month dating, Jordan made me give up tomatoes, speaking to my mother and my ponytail. Honest to god, I can still feel it some mornings.
Denise: That's not the way it is with Drew and me.
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Because you are so very different from every other couple In the history of doomed relationships. Note to self, they're different.

Quote from Denise

Denise: We're going to dinner with Sunny and Keyshawn.
Drew: I thought you didn't want to go.
Denise: Well, now I do. Wear your black shirt and dial the hair gel back. You're not doing the weather on Channel 7.

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