J.D.: [v.o.] Every workplace has that guy who has to top everyone else's story.
Janitor: When I was 19, I was a world-class 110-meter hurdler. I still remember the nationals like they were yesterday.
[flashback to the Janitor with a mustache, smoking at the starting line:]
Announcer: Runners, take your positions. On your mark, set... [starting pistol fires]
Janitor: Good race.
[present:]
Janitor: They offered me a full ride at Grambling, but I slept with the president's daughter. Not the college president. The president of the United States. But, hey, if Amy Carter asks you up for a nightcap, you do not say no.

J.D.: Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last five years. You went to Harvard. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb pinkie. You have a brother-dad, a mother-sister. You have two kids. No, wait, one kid. No, you had a baby with a Chinese local. You're deaf-mute. Oh, wait. Now you're telling us you're a world-class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter.
Janitor: I didn't sleep with Amy Carter. We did everything but.
J.D.: Oh.
Janitor: And I really was a world-class hurdler.
J.D.: We're not buying it. Are we, gang?
All: No.
J.D.: The people have spoken. Allow me to bask in the glow.

Turk: The family wants me to do a hip surgery. What are they thinking? The guy's 92.
Carla: He's their grandfather. It's not like he's a dog and they can go to a kennel and pick out another one.
[fantasy: J.D. is at a "grandfather kennel":]
Woman: We just got a lot of great new grandfathers in.
J.D.: OK. Ooh! Look at this one. He's so cute!
Old Man: Hey! Get out of my yard.
Woman: He's not good with people.
[cut:]
Woman: He's great, but we really don't want to separate them.
J.D.: Well, I already have a grandma.
[cut]
J.D.: If I get one this little, everybody's gonna think I'm gay.
[cut:]
J.D.: Oh, look at this fellow. Come here, boy. Got a little hard candy for you. Come here, boy. Yes. Good boy. Who's a good boy? You got a candy you can unwrap in a movie theater.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'd name him Sebastian.

Elliot: Is there something you want?
Dr. Cox: Actually, yes. It is one of those rare days where you could be of use to me. You speak German, I have a patient from Berlin and I need to tell the gentleman he has fluid in his lungs.
Elliot: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.
Dr. Cox: [repeats] Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.
[later, Dr. Cox talks to the patient and his well-endowed wife:]
Dr. Cox: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen. [Your wife has nice cans.]
Man: What did you say about her?
Dr. Cox: Schöne Dosen. [Nice cans] How are you?

Elliot: Oh, my God, Turk. Carla must be so happy.
Turk: I haven't told her. I'm gonna now.
J.D.: Wait, Turk. When has a man ever been able to tell his wife that she's pregnant? Allow me to paint you a picture with my imagination brush. OK? You two come out in the parking lot where all Carla's friends have gathered. They're holding a banner that says, "Carla, you're pregnant and I dove you." Did I say "dove"? I did, Turk. That's when I cue the bird wrangler who releases 500 white doves into the air. Where do they land? I don't know. But one thing Carla knows is that in her uterus is a little, soft baby Turk.
Turk: Are you forgetting what happened when you made me have doves at my parents' anniversary party?
J.D.: This won't be indoors, Turk, and there won't be all the people throwing birdseed. I mean, why were people throwing seed?

J.D.: Oh, no. We've got a glitch. Abort the plan! Abort the surprise! Abort the babies! [pops balloon] Everybody, run!
[later:]
J.D.: Sorry about the whole "abort the babies" thing.
Father Rosenberg: Actually, I'm pro-choice.

Elliot: So I like to remember all the carpal bones in the hands with a simple mnemonic device. Scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate. Some lovers try positions that they can't handle.
Keith: Hey.
Elliot: That was not directed at you, doctor. But you should stretch first next time you try the Whirly Bird.

Dr. Cox: Excuse me, does anyone here happen to have a plate of jeebies? Because these two just gave me a big old scoop of the heebies. Seriously, it cannot just be me. I want to hear from the audience. I do. Dating in the workplace. She's the boss. He's the pretty intern. Tell me what's bugging you. Courage.
Gloria: [clears throat] Well, sometimes they arrive in the morning and they smell like sex.
Dr. Cox: Gloria, telling it like it smells. I'm proud of you. Barbie, who hurt you?

Carla: All right, I just took the pregnancy test. Just tell me when a minute's up.
Turk: I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven. The minute that bad boy dings, we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my God, I can't stand it! Thirty more seconds!
Turk: OK, honey. Don't get too excited. They have to cool off for at least a minute. That cheese is like lava.
Carla: Is there a bigger idiot than you in the entire world?

Turk: Where is Carla?
Dr. Cox: She just went downstairs. What is all the excitement?
J.D.: You tell him. [stammers] Okay, you tell him.
Turk: We're having a baby.
Dr. Cox: Red states be damned. I'm sure you're gonna make great fathers.