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36Quotes from ‘My Bright Idea’

Scrubs: My Bright Idea

516. My Bright Idea

Aired March 28, 2006

When Turk learns that Carla is pregnant, J.D. convinces him to have the entire hospital staff reveal the news to her. Meanwhile, J.D. has the Janitor swallow a small GPS tracker.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Every workplace has that guy who has to top everyone else's story.
Janitor: When I was 19, I was a world-class 110-meter hurdler. I still remember the nationals like they were yesterday.
[flashback to the Janitor with a mustache, smoking at the starting line:]
Announcer: Runners, take your positions. On your mark, set... [starting pistol fires]
Janitor: Good race.
[present:]
Janitor: They offered me a full ride at Grambling, but I slept with the president's daughter. Not the college president. The president of the United States. But, hey, if Amy Carter asks you up for a nightcap, you do not say no.

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Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last five years. You went to Harvard. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb pinkie. You have a brother-dad, a mother-sister. You have two kids. No, wait, one kid. No, you had a baby with a Chinese local. You're deaf-mute. Oh, wait. Now you're telling us you're a world-class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter.
Janitor: I didn't sleep with Amy Carter. We did everything but.
J.D.: Oh.
Janitor: And I really was a world-class hurdler.
J.D.: We're not buying it. Are we, gang?
All: No.
J.D.: The people have spoken. Allow me to bask in the glow.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: The family wants me to do a hip surgery. What are they thinking? The guy's 92.
Carla: He's their grandfather. It's not like he's a dog and they can go to a kennel and pick out another one.
[fantasy: J.D. is at a "grandfather kennel":]
Woman: We just got a lot of great new grandfathers in.
J.D.: OK. Ooh! Look at this one. He's so cute!
Old Man: Hey! Get out of my yard.
Woman: He's not good with people.
[cut:]
Woman: He's great, but we really don't want to separate them.
J.D.: Well, I already have a grandma.
[cut]
J.D.: If I get one this little, everybody's gonna think I'm gay.
[cut:]
J.D.: Oh, look at this fellow. Come here, boy. Got a little hard candy for you. Come here, boy. Yes. Good boy. Who's a good boy? You got a candy you can unwrap in a movie theater.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'd name him Sebastian.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Is there something you want?
Dr. Cox: Actually, yes. It is one of those rare days where you could be of use to me. You speak German, I have a patient from Berlin and I need to tell the gentleman he has fluid in his lungs.
Elliot: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.
Dr. Cox: [repeats] Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.
[later, Dr. Cox talks to the patient and his well-endowed wife:]
Dr. Cox: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen. [Your wife has nice cans.]
Man: What did you say about her?
Dr. Cox: Schöne Dosen. [Nice cans] How are you?

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Oh, my God, Turk. Carla must be so happy.
Turk: I haven't told her. I'm gonna now.
J.D.: Wait, Turk. When has a man ever been able to tell his wife that she's pregnant? Allow me to paint you a picture with my imagination brush. OK? You two come out in the parking lot where all Carla's friends have gathered. They're holding a banner that says, "Carla, you're pregnant and I dove you." Did I say "dove"? I did, Turk. That's when I cue the bird wrangler who releases 500 white doves into the air. Where do they land? I don't know. But one thing Carla knows is that in her uterus is a little, soft baby Turk.
Turk: Are you forgetting what happened when you made me have doves at my parents' anniversary party?
J.D.: This won't be indoors, Turk, and there won't be all the people throwing birdseed. I mean, why were people throwing seed?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Oh, no. We've got a glitch. Abort the plan! Abort the surprise! Abort the babies! [pops balloon] Everybody, run!
[later:]
J.D.: Sorry about the whole "abort the babies" thing.
Father Rosenberg: Actually, I'm pro-choice.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So I like to remember all the carpal bones in the hands with a simple mnemonic device. Scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate. Some lovers try positions that they can't handle.
Keith: Hey.
Elliot: That was not directed at you, doctor. But you should stretch first next time you try the Whirly Bird.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Excuse me, does anyone here happen to have a plate of jeebies? Because these two just gave me a big old scoop of the heebies. Seriously, it cannot just be me. I want to hear from the audience. I do. Dating in the workplace. She's the boss. He's the pretty intern. Tell me what's bugging you. Courage.
Gloria: [clears throat] Well, sometimes they arrive in the morning and they smell like sex.
Dr. Cox: Gloria, telling it like it smells. I'm proud of you. Barbie, who hurt you?

Quote from Turk

Carla: All right, I just took the pregnancy test. Just tell me when a minute's up.
Turk: I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven. The minute that bad boy dings, we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my God, I can't stand it! Thirty more seconds!
Turk: OK, honey. Don't get too excited. They have to cool off for at least a minute. That cheese is like lava.
Carla: Is there a bigger idiot than you in the entire world?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Where is Carla?
Dr. Cox: She just went downstairs. What is all the excitement?
J.D.: You tell him. [stammers] Okay, you tell him.
Turk: We're having a baby.
Dr. Cox: Red states be damned. I'm sure you're gonna make great fathers.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Keith, I have been watching you and you've got some potential. You do, but can I give you one piece of advice?
Keith: Please.
Dr. Cox: It is all about confidence. Hell, be a cocky bastard. Throw 'em a wink every once in a while. Show me a wink. Show me the wink. Give me the wink.
[Dr. Cox runs and grabs Carla]
Dr. Cox: That's the guy. That's the guy who broke our friend's heart.
Carla: Well, hey. He's probably hurting too.
Keith: [winks] Hey, baby.
Carla: Oh, no. He did not just wink at me. For the next five minutes, I am not a nurse.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Carla, Carla. There is a better way. I don't like it, but Jordan tells her friends intimate details about me. Our sex lives, parenting deficiencies. The point is I'm sure Elliot has told you things about Keith. So instead of yelling at him, why not calmly let him know that you know things that he thinks no one knows.
Carla: Oh, Keith, mind taking a walk with me?
Keith: Yeah.
Elliot: Is Carla gone?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. She sure is.
Elliot: Oh, thank God.
Dr. Cox: Say Barbie? We're even.
Elliot: Oh, no.

Quote from Carla

Carla: We have such big news.
J.D.: What's the scoop? I would have no clue what it could be.
Carla: We're having a baby.
J.D.: [v.o.] Now give them the ten-minute emotional roller coaster ride that is the speech you've practiced all afternoon.
J.D.: Carla, when Turk first told me, I-
Carla: What do you mean, when Turk first told you?
J.D.: Oh, boy.
Turk: We've known for a day. The pregnancy test you took yesterday was positive. Yeah. I wanted to have everybody at the hospital gather outside to surprise you with balloons and stuff.
J.D.: What would you have thought of doves?
Turk: J.D., not now. I just wanted to do something really memorable, you know. I messed that up.
Carla: So everybody already knows?
Turk: Mm-hm.
J.D.: [v.o.] Then I witnessed one of those moments that let me know in my heart these two would be together forever.
Carla: Who cares? We're having a baby. We're having a baby.


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