Elliot: Okay, we gotta fix this tonight, because tomorrow night's birthing class, and Wednesday night is pregnancy sex.
J.D.: I'm really starting to enjoy that birthing class. All the grunting and heavy breathing and...
Elliot: You were the only one doing that.
J.D.: I was trying to get something going.

Elliot: Wait, what is that walkie-talkie? I told you to get a baby monitor.
J.D.: Oh, this? Better than a baby monitor. It's long distance.
Elliot: Where's the other one?
Turk: [over walkie-talkie] Jake Cobra. Come in, Jake Cobra.
J.D.: We've been compromised, Panther Claw.

J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot and I had missed our last few pregnancy sex nights. Tonight, I was ready.
J.D.: Loose limbs make limber lovers. Loose limbs make limber lovers.

Elliot: So yes, J.D. And I are not having sex right now, but it's fine. I put it right into my schedule for after the baby's born.
Denise: What is that, a sex trapper keeper?
Elliot: Oh, I wish. It's my post-pregnancy action plan. See? By week three, I'll have lost all the baby weight. Weeks four and five, I'll be deep into my postpartum depression, where I'll spend most of my time crying and then regaining the baby weight. And then something will snap me out of it. Probably a sunrise or a hilarious e-card.
And then by week six, we are back to nasty town.
Denise: Let's walk in silence, maybe.

Dr. Cox: I like to start every day with an exercise in futility, and to that end, Johnny Legacy, ulcerative colitis-
Jordan: [echoing] Perry!
Dr. Cox: It's behind me, isn't it?
Lucy: [v.o.] With every couple, there's the hard-ass and then the sweet one.
Jordan: Come here. I can't deal with this year's clump of ugly nerds eyeballing me.
Lucy: [v.o.] Hot biscuits! Cox is the sweet one?

Jordan: You know that bag of bones my sister Danni married? He died. She got nothing.
Dr. Cox: Burt died?
Jordan: You're not listening. Danni got nothing. You need to do your will so I can get all your stuff. Chop-chop!
Cole: Ma'am, if you need any help through this difficult time, I'm here.
Jordan: You're that Aaronson kid. Mm-hmm. I remember your mom when she was wearing tube tops, giving it away to any guy that would buy her a free steak. She's so classy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear god, I love you.
Jordan: [whispers] I love you.

Turk: So let me get this straight. You and Elliot aren't having sex till after the baby's born?
J.D.: Yes.
Todd: But who are you gonna have sex with then? Oh, she's gonna watch while you do other chicks.
J.D.: No, no, Todd. Neither one of us is going to be having sex.
Todd: I gotta take a walk five.
Turk: He's not taking it well.

J.D.: All the baby books say we'll be back to our normal sex life In about six weeks.
Turk: J.D., those baby books are filled with lies. You don't know. It's crazy. You're gonna be changing diapers covered in spit-up, alright? You're not gonna have sex for a long, long, long, long time.
J.D.: No "Hide the Penny"?
Turk: No.
J.D.: "No Me Girl, You Boy"?
Turk: No.
J.D.: No "Dirty Zulu Warrior"?
Turk: No, and that one's racist.
J.D.: Well, I'm--I'm sure there'll still be cuddling, right? Turk, I'm a man. I have needs. Please say there'll be cuddling.
Turk: She'll have the baby to cuddle with.
J.D.: That little bastard.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk freaked me out about what would happen with Elliot after the baby came, so I turned to my mentor.
Dr. Cox: Dorian, I do not need to hear the pathetic slap and tickle of your soon-to-be-vanished sex life.
J.D.: I just feel like I'm racing against the clock, like Harrison Ford in some kind of Harrison Ford movie.

Cole: Hey, you know what you should do? Take your shorty on a babymoon.
J.D.: What's a babymoon?
Cole: It's like a romantic trip couples take before their baby's born.
J.D.: That's not what I pictured.
[fantasy: J.D. serves drinks to two toddlers sitting on beach chairs:]
J.D.: Breast milk mojitos?
Boy: [burps]
J.D.: You've had a few too many.
[reality:]
J.D.: Those babies are way too close to the water.