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44Quotes from ‘Our Stuff Gets Reals’

Scrubs: Our Stuff Gets Reals

909. Our Stuff Gets Reals

Aired January 12, 2010

J.D. tries to find some time with Elliot before the baby comes. Dr. Cox freaks out when Jordan asks him to sign a will. Meanwhile, Lucy tries to avoid cutting the cadaver of her former patient Ben.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Okay, we gotta fix this tonight, because tomorrow night's birthing class, and Wednesday night is pregnancy sex.
J.D.: I'm really starting to enjoy that birthing class. All the grunting and heavy breathing and...
Elliot: You were the only one doing that.
J.D.: I was trying to get something going.

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Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Wait, what is that walkie-talkie? I told you to get a baby monitor.
J.D.: Oh, this? Better than a baby monitor. It's long distance.
Elliot: Where's the other one?
Turk: [over walkie-talkie] Jake Cobra. Come in, Jake Cobra.
J.D.: We've been compromised, Panther Claw.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot and I had missed our last few pregnancy sex nights. Tonight, I was ready.
J.D.: Loose limbs make limber lovers. Loose limbs make limber lovers.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So yes, J.D. And I are not having sex right now, but it's fine. I put it right into my schedule for after the baby's born.
Denise: What is that, a sex trapper keeper?
Elliot: Oh, I wish. It's my post-pregnancy action plan. See? By week three, I'll have lost all the baby weight. Weeks four and five, I'll be deep into my postpartum depression, where I'll spend most of my time crying and then regaining the baby weight. And then something will snap me out of it. Probably a sunrise or a hilarious e-card.
And then by week six, we are back to nasty town.
Denise: Let's walk in silence, maybe.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: I like to start every day with an exercise in futility, and to that end, Johnny Legacy, ulcerative colitis-
Jordan: [echoing] Perry!
Dr. Cox: It's behind me, isn't it?
Lucy: [v.o.] With every couple, there's the hard-ass and then the sweet one.
Jordan: Come here. I can't deal with this year's clump of ugly nerds eyeballing me.
Lucy: [v.o.] Hot biscuits! Cox is the sweet one?

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: You know that bag of bones my sister Danni married? He died. She got nothing.
Dr. Cox: Burt died?
Jordan: You're not listening. Danni got nothing. You need to do your will so I can get all your stuff. Chop-chop!
Cole: Ma'am, if you need any help through this difficult time, I'm here.
Jordan: You're that Aaronson kid. Mm-hmm. I remember your mom when she was wearing tube tops, giving it away to any guy that would buy her a free steak. She's so classy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear god, I love you.
Jordan: [whispers] I love you.

Quote from Todd

Turk: So let me get this straight. You and Elliot aren't having sex till after the baby's born?
J.D.: Yes.
Todd: But who are you gonna have sex with then? Oh, she's gonna watch while you do other chicks.
J.D.: No, no, Todd. Neither one of us is going to be having sex.
Todd: I gotta take a walk five.
Turk: He's not taking it well.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: All the baby books say we'll be back to our normal sex life In about six weeks.
Turk: J.D., those baby books are filled with lies. You don't know. It's crazy. You're gonna be changing diapers covered in spit-up, alright? You're not gonna have sex for a long, long, long, long time.
J.D.: No "Hide the Penny"?
Turk: No.
J.D.: "No Me Girl, You Boy"?
Turk: No.
J.D.: No "Dirty Zulu Warrior"?
Turk: No, and that one's racist.
J.D.: Well, I'm--I'm sure there'll still be cuddling, right? Turk, I'm a man. I have needs. Please say there'll be cuddling.
Turk: She'll have the baby to cuddle with.
J.D.: That little bastard.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk freaked me out about what would happen with Elliot after the baby came, so I turned to my mentor.
Dr. Cox: Dorian, I do not need to hear the pathetic slap and tickle of your soon-to-be-vanished sex life.
J.D.: I just feel like I'm racing against the clock, like Harrison Ford in some kind of Harrison Ford movie.

Quote from J.D.

Cole: Hey, you know what you should do? Take your shorty on a babymoon.
J.D.: What's a babymoon?
Cole: It's like a romantic trip couples take before their baby's born.
J.D.: That's not what I pictured.
[fantasy: J.D. serves drinks to two toddlers sitting on beach chairs:]
J.D.: Breast milk mojitos?
Boy: [burps]
J.D.: You've had a few too many.
[reality:]
J.D.: Those babies are way too close to the water.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hello, wife face. Your shift is over, and I'm taking you on a babymoon.
Elliot: What? What are you talking about?
J.D.: A babymoon is a vacation you and your loved one take right before your baby comes out of your special area. And the resort I found is amazing. They have horseback riding and jet skiing.
Elliot: Oh, is there also a punching each other in the stomach contest? 'cause that's another thing that I can't do.
J.D.: Well, we could have hotel sex. You like that. We could do girl hair with our towels. We can turn the temperature all the way down to 50 and then crank it back up to 80.
Elliot: We'll be like gods controlling the weather.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: We have to do the babymoon. Turk said that once the kid's born, our lives are gonna change forever.
Elliot: Yeah, Turk also said That Knight Rider was a documentary.
J.D.: It's based on fact, Elliot. Everybody knows that.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: Plus once the kid's born, you're gonna be obsessed. You've probably already picked out what she's gonna wear on her first day of school.
Elliot: So? That decision brands you forever. I still have night terrors about my first day of high school. I wore this suede fringe outfit because of that movie Can't Buy Me Love. Oh, J.D., it's the most amazing film. Fade in: Patrick Dempsey, a fresh-faced nerd.
J.D.: Elliot, do you think there's a Patrick Dempsey movie I haven't seen?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: J.D., I know that some couples don't make time for each other as new parents,but we're not gonna be like that. We're different.
J.D.: Are you sure? Because you also said we were gonna be different and not fight the first year of marriage.
Elliot: You did the laundry, and you put my work socks beside my gym socks, and they were touching in the drawer. I mean, that's disgusting. I had to throw them out. Okay, I don't have time for this.

Quote from Denise

Denise: Do I still have to hang out with you as your confidant even though there's not a chance in hell you're gonna listen to anything I say?
Dr. Cox: Yes.
Denise: You know, just because one of those old, married people croaked doesn't mean you or Jordan are gonna die.
Dr. Cox: I shouldn't have brought the will to the hospital. It was a rookie mistake. I mean, around here, you just can't let your work and your personal life overlap.
Denise: Yeah, that was always Ally McBeal's problem, too. It's so hard being a working woman in the mid '90s.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You know, he's right about the whole running out of time thing.
Elliot: I guess, but having a baby's not like dying.
Dr. Cox: [chuckles] It's- It's exactly like dying.
Elliot: We have Sam on the weekends. We know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, but stepkids aren't the same. They're a rental. You gotta take mildly good care of 'em, return 'em with a full tank of gas and not too many dents. I'll tell you what there, Barbie. I'm gonna go ahead and give you my own version of something your husband told you but you couldn't hear because you're married to him. After that baby comes, nothing goes back to normal. Time doesn't slow down. It only gets faster. And then 20 years later you find yourself signing a will and realizing that you didn't spend nearly enough time with the one person you care most about.
Elliot: God, I wish J.D. had said that.
Dr. Cox: Ah, don't blame yourself. I can't understand him either. Sounds like a bag of cats.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: J.D., I got your page. Look, before you say anything, I wanted to tell you I was wrong. I'm sorry. Look, you know this is what I do before big life-changing events. I get way inside my own head and freak out. Like three weeks before med school started, I got way into shoplifting and watching anime pornography. I mean, I'm talking some weird-ass cartoons, man. Anyway, I love you, and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to hear you, and I didn't mean to ruin the babymoon.
J.D.: You didn't. [into walkie-talkie] Panther Claw, the walrus has landed.
Turk: [over walkie-talker] Roger that. We're set for go.


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