Dr. Cox: Newbie, maybe I wasn't clear enough with you on Miss Bartow over there.
J.D.: Here it comes. I'm incompetent. I'm a girl. I'm a little girl. I'm a little girl with pigtails that rides a tricycle.
Dr. Cox: No. Well... yes, but I am honestly trying to tell you that I don't think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher. Look, I think putting one in the "win" column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along in games that we know deep down we're not gonna win. And that's why I locked in so intensely to that patient. Because opportunities, they... God, they come along so rarely in this place. And when they do, you just can't let them slip through your fingers. You cannot, you know?

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and honestly I think the only reason you're not down at that hospital right now is that you're afraid.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. That's partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because, well... I told you that I was afraid earlier, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate to me things I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said. In fact, I'm the one who said them.

Turk: The point is, I don't lose my cool.
J.D.: I don't know. Remember back in college, when we had tickets to see Michael Jordan in the playoffs?
[flashback:]
Turk: [singing] We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. 'Cause we got good tickets. We went five hundred miles.
J.D.: Hey, was I supposed to bring the tickets or the sandwiches?
[As Turk realizes they're both holding sandwich bags, he screams and starts pulling out his hair]
J.D.: Oh, God.
Turk: Oh, no! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!
[present:]
J.D.: You shaved your head for the first time after that.

Josh: Dr. Dorian, I know what you're trying to do. My whole life, people have felt sorry for me.
J.D.: Why would anyone feel sorry for you?
Josh: Look at me, I'm clumsy, I'm always throwing up, I don't even have an ass!
J.D.: But Josh, those are the same things I was dealing with when I started here. Except for the ass part. I actually have a great ass. It's firm like mutton.

Dr. Cox: They probably like it too, whether they admit it or not.
Dr. Kelso: Well...
Dr. Cox: "Oh, the old guy's so tough on me, but I love him." Right? Right? They hate you, Bob. They hate you from your the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you, dear God, they hate you good.
Nurse Roberts: [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: What're you laughing at?
Nurse Roberts: That "hooves" and "pitchfork" part. Why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.

J.D.: What's wrong?
Janitor: I lost my mop.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: No. But that's the only thing that could make me unhappy, right? You people, you think of me as nothing but The Janitor.
J.D.: That's not true.
Janitor: What's my name? [covers name badge]
J.D.: I know that the nurses call you Sir Plunge-a-lot.
Janitor: I know.
J.D.: Come on. I'm sure you don't know my name so-
Janitor: John Michael Dorian.
J.D.: How did you know my middle name?
Janitor: Because I care.

Bartender: You owe me $53.
J.D.: I think I left my wallet in my other onesie.
[later:]
Carla: So the bartender just let you skip out on the tab?
J.D.: He said I could pay him back by giving him a complete physical, which is actually scary because I never said I was a doctor.