Scrubs Quote of the Day
Friday, February 3, 2023
Spence: That guy?
J.D.: Yeah. Maybe it would be easier if I just told you whose butt I haven't had my fingers in.
Spence: Now, that's one of the perks you never hear about. You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?
J.D.: [v.o.] Dream job.
[fantasy: John Dorian, Chocolate King, sits in a chocolate office eating chocolate, with his assistant Turk writing on a chocolate typewriter. "The Candy Man" plays. As J.D. tires of the chocolate egg and chocolate hearts, he pulls off Turk's arm and bites off a finger:]
Turk: Hey, man, how am I supposed to finish this memo?
J.D.: I don't know.
Thursday, February 2, 2023
J.D.: Something's going down.
Dr. Cox: Alright, bring it in here, you knuckleheads. Take a knee if you need to, you confoundits. I have been on since midnight, so I stand here with my usual contempt for all of you, but with the added wrinkle of having 13 cups of Nurse Robert's piss-poor excuse for coffee passing pretty much straight through me. The not-so-hidden message being, of course, that if you screw up today, I'm going to hit you hard and fast.
Wednesday, February 1, 2023
J.D.: So, uh, Jordan seems to be doing pretty well.
Dr. Cox: You know Jordan, she is a rock.
J.D.: How 'bout you? How you holding up? [Dr. Cox is silent] I know it's been kind of tough with Ben dying. Are you gonna talk ever?
Dr. Cox: Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, there, Anneka. We are all going to die someday. For the lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast. But for most of us it'll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.
J.D.: That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tuesday, January 31, 2023
J.D.: It's a book of all your rants. I always wrote them down.
Dr. Cox: Wow.
J.D.: Check it out. It's leather-bound. I did the calligraphy. The number next to each passage is a rating system from 1 to 5, depending on how much that particular rant hurt me emotionally. One being something I could easily shrug off, and 5 being something that still makes me want to cut myself.
Jordan: Oh, look: "The only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on what you're leaning against."
J.D.: That one used to be a five, but now it's a four. I still well up when I think about it, but now I can fall asleep after.
Monday, January 30, 2023
J.D.: You see that, that right there? That has never happened to me. A hot girl has never asked to buy me a drink. [to the bartender] Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.
Bartender: No problem, lady.
Sunday, January 29, 2023
Elliot: Is there something you want?
Dr. Cox: Actually, yes. It is one of those rare days where you could be of use to me. You speak German, I have a patient from Berlin and I need to tell the gentleman he has fluid in his lungs.
Elliot: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.
Dr. Cox: [repeats] Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.
[later, Dr. Cox talks to the patient and his well-endowed wife:]
Dr. Cox: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen. [Your wife has nice cans.]
Man: What did you say about her?
Dr. Cox: Schöne Dosen. [Nice cans] How are you?
Saturday, January 28, 2023
J.D.: What does he find irritating about you?
Dr. Cox: Fire at will.
Paige: I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.
J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, I wished something'd break the tension.
Turk: [paper beeps] [singing] Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Smack the moneymaker! Smack it!
J.D.: That's how he likes it.
Turk: Sex time, people!
J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy. Like Jesus.
Saturday, February 4, 2023
Sunday, February 5, 2023
Monday, February 6, 2023
Tuesday, February 7, 2023
Wednesday, February 8, 2023