Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo reminding senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know, I did get it, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture. So I made a replica of you out of straw and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in neighborhood to come over and light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

Dr. Cox: I'm waiting.
Ted: Unfortunately, you've put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Dr. Kelso: Way to go, Ted. Good God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who would want to?

J.D.: Did you lose something?
Janitor: No, why? Did you take something?
J.D.: No.
Janitor: What'd you take?
J.D.: Nothing.
Janitor: What'd you take?

Turk: Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.
Elliot: Oh, my God. How does that stuff even get up there?
[montage:]
Man: I fell on it.
Woman: I fell on it.
Man: I fell on it.
Man: I was bored.
[present:]
Nurse Roberts: The doctors in the ER have a box where they keep all this junk.
Turk: Is that, like, next to the Lost and Found Box?
Nurse Roberts: Lost and Found box? There's no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box.

Dr. Cox: [laughing] You're right. But, you know... You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
Janitor: Oh, actually, that's my fault. I filled his hairspray can with dog sweat.
Dr. Cox: Dogs don't sweat.
Janitor: No?
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: What the hell am I putting in there?

J.D.: [v.o.] Doctors love to use humor. Well, Mr. Foster, your blood tests are back, and the good news is you're not pregnant. [Turk laughs]
[fantasy: J.D. is doing stand-up as Seinfeld music plays:]
J.D.: I said, "not pregnant." Is this thing on? And hey, what is the deal with Q-tips? They're not Qs and they're not tips.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!