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37Quotes from ‘My Chopped Liver’

Scrubs: My Chopped Liver

517. My Chopped Liver

Aired April 4, 2006

When J.D. and Turk treat a patient whose brother donated part of his liver, it's the donor brother who gets worse. After the death of his dog Baxter, Dr. Kelso asks Carla to keep people at the hospital from seeing him in an emotional state. Jordan invites Elliot and Keith to join her and Dr. Cox on a double date.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: I mean, come on, children. What do you actually think is going to happen here? Do you think I'm going to take you and sit you down next to me and say, um, "Listen, uh, if you need anything, you've got my pager. Just know that I'm there for you always"?
J.D.: Oh, my God.
Dr. Cox: Newbie!
J.D.: No! Zip it! I am so G-darn pissed right now. I was OK when you kept me at an arm's length, because everybody said, "That's just Cox. That's how he operates." And I believed them. But now I walk in on this... this bi-racial love fest. You know what? I hate to do it, but I'm giving you back the pencil. That's right. The pencil you gave me on my third day of work. You handed it off to me like a tiny yellow baton, like you were trying to say to me, "J.D., you are the new me. You, J.D., are my mentee. You are my son."
Dr. Cox: What pencil?
J.D.: Oh, that's perfect. That's perfect. You know what? Take it. Maybe you can use it with Rex or Gloria or that guy.
Dr. Cox: That guy's name is Leslie.
J.D.: His name is Leslie. His name is Leslie. Your name is Leslie. All right. Good for you, Leslie!
[J.D. leaves and then returns to tackle Leslie]
J.D.: Leslie!


Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Dr. Kelso, we need to talk.
Dr. Kelso: Baxter was a good dog. You never think you're gonna miss animals as much as you do. It was just nice having some creature in my life who never disappointed me, never judged me, never showed up late at my 50th birthday party with freshly pierced nipples and a barely legal Filipino boy named Pogo - my son Harrison.
Carla: I figured.
Dr. Kelso: Man's best friend, huh? They got that one right.
Carla: At least you've stopped crying.
Dr. Kelso: No, not really. My body just can't produce tears anymore because I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr. Jarvis here said it'll be all right.
Carla: There's nobody standing behind you.
Dr. Kelso: I'm going to need an IV.

Quote from Turk

Turk: But Thursday nights, I got the apartment to myself. So, you know, I come home...
[flashback to Turk in the apartment:]
Turk: [v.o.] I walk in the door. I immediately get comfortable. Then I take care of all my busy work, case dictations, patient charts, everything. Then I watch whatever's on ESPN.
TV: Stay tuned for more Gilmore Girls.
Turk: Mothers and daughters. They speak so fast but they speak so true.
Turk: [v.o.] Then I make some important work calls.
Turk: [on the phone] Did you see it?
J.D.: I am so mad at Lorelai, I can't even talk right now.
Turk: That's Turk Night.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] God, you're boring.

Quote from Ted

Carla: So do you think everybody's still mad at me?
[The Janitor, Todd, Ted and Laverne walk by, giving Carla the stink eye]
Janitor: Guys, come on! I'm the only one giving the evil eye! We worked on this. Hey, Ted, you're giving sad eye.
Ted: It's all I've got!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] A month ago, I shaved my head to show solidarity with a leukemia patient. Of course, there were ramifications.
J.D.: Hello, I'm your doctor.
All: [singing] Hare Krishna
J.D.: Oh, no, no. I know I've got the hair, but I'm not one of you, uh, people. Hello. How are you? Well, I have been known to tambour.
[later, J.D. joins a group of Hare Krishnas singing on the street:]
J.D.: [singing] Hare Krishna He's a Krishna The best Krishna

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, Mr. Coleman, how are you feeling?
Frank: [singing] They call me mellow yellow
J.D.: Um, Mr. Coleman, the hepatitis is doing a number on your liver. You're obviously very jaundiced or... Yellow! Oh, "mellow yellow," I get it! That's funny. I never knew what that song was about. Now I finally get it. Liver disease.

Quote from Todd

Elliot: Anyway, Keith is great. The only problem is his last name. It's, um, Dudemeister.
Jordan: Oh, that doesn't even sound real.
Elliot: Well, it's actually German, Dudemeister. It means "master of dudes."
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually, I love Cox.
Todd: Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: [o.s.] This sausage is huge!
Todd: Excuse me, ladies. I'm needed elsewhere.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: You know, the four of us should go out for a drink sometime.
Elliot: Actually, we're free tonight.
Jordan: It's a couple date.
Elliot: Done!
[Dr. Cox hears waves breaking, crashing]
Dr. Cox: Something horrible just happened.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, Turk, if you ever donated a body part to me, you know which one I'd want?
J.D.: Thanks for the butt, player!
Carla: You better have a reason for taking my man's badonkadonkdonk.
J.D.: I do, Carla. I'm building something.
Elliot: What?
J.D.: [sings] A brick house It's mighty, mighty just lettin' it all hang out She's a brick house.
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Turk, Todd needs you in the lab.
Turk: Tell Todd he can kiss my big black ass. I bet you wish you could say that.
J.D.: I do!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What are you gonna do? Stay up late, eat raw cookie dough, and pinkie-swear your diet will start tomorrow?
Turk: What is your problem?
Dr. Cox: Ah, Jordan's forcing me to double date with the Dudemeisters.
Turk: 'cause of J.D., I gotta miss Turk Night. Yeah, I only have three nights off during the week. Two of those nights, Carla has off too, so we do married stuff.
Dr. Cox: Fighting, arguing, bickering and the occasional quickie.
Turk: Exactly.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You think you're funny. My job is to spend the day saying "no" to people, and now that you have let a "yes" spread out into the world, you have opened the floodgates.
Nurse Roberts: Can we have Bibles in the patients rooms?
Carla: No.
Ted: Can I get a better hands-free headset?
Carla: No.
Todd: Can I be allowed back in the men's locker room?
Carla: No!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Can I get some new work boots?
Carla: No.
[The Janitor stops the door closing with his foot]
Janitor: Guess the old ones still work. I do have more requests, though. I need an anvil, barbed wire and a bow and arrow.
Carla: No.
Janitor: How about a sled dog?
Carla: No.
Janitor: Cowboy hat?
Carla: No.
Janitor: Javelin?
Carla: No.
Janitor: Ferris wheel?
Carla: No.
Janitor: Stun gun?
Carla: No.
Janitor: Pelican.
Carla: No!

Quote from Todd

Janitor: Now, come on. Let's suck it up. Dig deep. Concentrate, and just...
[The Janitor, Todd, Ted and Laverne give Carla the stink eye]
Janitor: And break. Nice. Very nice, guys. Even you.
Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: I like this particular outfit because it's casual and the pant pockets are extra-deep, which is perfect for storing makeup.
Elliot: He's like a giant purse.
Keith: This shirt is itchy.
Jordan: Oh, oh. Shh. Purses don't talk.
[Dr. Cox walks in the room and realizes he is wearing the exact same outfit as Keith]
Dr. Cox: Jordan, you promised this would never happen.
J.D.: [gasps] How dare you?!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Keith: Dr. Cox, can we talk about something besides sports this time?
Dr. Cox: [groans]
Carla: You're OK.
Dr. Cox: Okay there, Keith, you may choose between good Scotch, ab workouts or Lee Marvin movies.

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