Janitor: Yep, we got him. And he's gonna pay.
J.D.: They're actually arresting him for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
Janitor: No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
J.D.: What? No! I hate pudding and I don't use toilet paper. I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.

Dr. Cox: Look, morning sickness sucks. Believe me, I know. I've been there. Hey, Jordan, are you- Are you crying?
Jordan: No. I don't know. I'm just completely hormonal. I mean, you try going from out-of-control horny to clinically depressed six times a day.
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. I can knock that out on the way to work.

Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away. That's actually pronounced analgesic, not "anal"-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

Carla: Don't be angry at Bambi.
Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff, I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: Please. What about the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife-
Dr. Cox: Would you please get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: Dammit. Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.

Elliot: Those Gyno Girls are putting the pressure on. We must have looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I mean, I can't even look at my own bajingo, you know?
Carla: Well, is that because it looks so much like a vagina?
Elliot: [chokes] Carla, there's people!

Dr. Kelso: Is there one bathroom in this damn place that has toilet paper, or do I have to start carrying around a basket of leaves?

Dr. Simon Reid: So, did Dr. Gerson ever contact you?
Elliot: You told her to talk to me?
Dr. Simon Reid: She went to med school with a colleague at my hospital. Come on, I want to go see the department.
Dr. Kelso: Paging Dr. Backbone to the Bajingo Ward. [laughs]

Dr. Cox: Jordan, please tell me you ate a raccoon and it's slowly making its way through your digestive system.
Jordan: Oh, don't worry. It's not your baby. Though not for lack of trying. See, we have sex a lot.
Julie: Who are you?
Jordan: Who do you think I am?
Julie: Well, you have keys to the apartment, so I'm gonna say the maid.
Dr. Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan. Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. OK, that was a treat, wasn't it? Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?

Dr. Cox: Who did that to you?
Jordan: Well, I was at this fabulous hotel in Greece, chock full of available, wealthy men-
Dr. Cox: So it was the bellboy?
Jordan: Or busboy, or pool-boy. Something "boy." I don't know.

Elliot: You know, forget it. I'm gonna tell them I'm not interested.
Carla: I think you should.
[Dr. Kelso laughs]
Elliot: Sir, why are you laughing?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, who knows? It could be the funny face I made with my peas. But, gun to my head, I'd say I'm laughing at the notion that you could stand up to anyone.