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35Quotes from ‘My Fruit Cups’

Scrubs: My Fruit Cups

208. My Fruit Cups

Aired November 14, 2002

Short on cash, J.D. and Turk volunteer at an urgent care center, and liberate Sacred Heart of some of its supplies. Elliot resists her father's attempt to push her into OB/GYN work. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox's relationship with Julie (Heather Locklear) is thrown in doubt when Jordan wants to get back together with him.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Look, morning sickness sucks. Believe me, I know. I've been there. Hey, Jordan, are you- Are you crying?
Jordan: No. I don't know. I'm just completely hormonal. I mean, you try going from out-of-control horny to clinically depressed six times a day.
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. I can knock that out on the way to work.

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Quote from J.D.

Janitor: Yep, we got him. And he's gonna pay.
J.D.: They're actually arresting him for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
Janitor: No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
J.D.: What? No! I hate pudding and I don't use toilet paper. I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.

Quote from Turk

Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away. That's actually pronounced analgesic, not "anal"-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Those Gyno Girls are putting the pressure on. We must have looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I mean, I can't even look at my own bajingo, you know?
Carla: Well, is that because it looks so much like a vagina?
Elliot: [chokes] Carla, there's people!

Quote from Carla

Carla: Don't be angry at Bambi.
Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff, I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: Please. What about the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife-
Dr. Cox: Would you please get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: Dammit. Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Is there one bathroom in this damn place that has toilet paper, or do I have to start carrying around a basket of leaves?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Simon Reid: So, did Dr. Gerson ever contact you?
Elliot: You told her to talk to me?
Dr. Simon Reid: She went to med school with a colleague at my hospital. Come on, I want to go see the department.
Dr. Kelso: Paging Dr. Backbone to the Bajingo Ward. [laughs]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Jordan, please tell me you ate a raccoon and it's slowly making its way through your digestive system.
Jordan: Oh, don't worry. It's not your baby. Though not for lack of trying. See, we have sex a lot.
Julie: Who are you?
Jordan: Who do you think I am?
Julie: Well, you have keys to the apartment, so I'm gonna say the maid.
Dr. Cox: Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan. Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. OK, that was a treat, wasn't it? Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Who did that to you?
Jordan: Well, I was at this fabulous hotel in Greece, chock full of available, wealthy men-
Dr. Cox: So it was the bellboy?
Jordan: Or busboy, or pool-boy. Something "boy." I don't know.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: You know, forget it. I'm gonna tell them I'm not interested.
Carla: I think you should.
[Dr. Kelso laughs]
Elliot: Sir, why are you laughing?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, who knows? It could be the funny face I made with my peas. But, gun to my head, I'd say I'm laughing at the notion that you could stand up to anyone.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Hey, there, sunshine.
J.D.: Morning.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot Carla is staying with us while her building is being fumigated.
Turk: Hey, don't use Rowdy to cover up your giblets. Apologize.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Hey, can someone tell me why we have no milk or orange juice, but, like, 40 fruit cups in here?
J.D.: [v.o.] The average resident owes over $100,000 in med school loans and makes about as much as a waiter. So you have to do things to make ends meet. Like you can cover someone's shift. Or you can steal stuff from the hospital. Or you can moonlight at an urgent care center. Or you can steal stuff. Or your dad can pay for everything. Or... Well, you know.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: So I did that cardioversion, I extubated Mrs. Bays, and I finished all the transfer summaries on the nursing-home patients.
Dr. Cox: Well, what can I say? You did exceptional work today, Newbie, and I'm proud of you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Did he just wink at me?
Dr. Cox: Is there a problem?
[fantasy: J.D. cries:]
J.D.: I'm just so happy.
[reality:]
J.D.: No, no problem, sir.
Dr. Cox: Attaboy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Nurse Roberts: Why the hell is he so cheery?
J.D.: Because I did exceptional work today.
Dr. Cox: Hey, babe.
Julie: I ordered the fight on pay-per-view, got a six-pack of your favorite beer, and we are leaving this second.
Dr. Cox: Hop on, Blondie. Come here. [singing] Oh, Perry gonna get some loving Perry gonna get some loving Oh, Perry gonna get some
Nurse Roberts: Mmm-huh.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Hey, guys. Gyno Girls, twelve o'clock.
J.D.: [v.o.] Obstetrics and Gynaecology is a specialty that's usually dominated by women.
Dr. Gerson: Dr. Reid, I'm Dr. Gerson. We were just wondering if you have any thoughts about your specialty, because we really think you're OBG/YN material.
J.D.: [v.o.] Being a Gyno Girl is a lot like being in a sorority.
[fantasy: the four "Gyno" women are having a pillow fight in their underwear before they begin to kiss]
Elliot: J.D., I can't go with Dr. Gerson because I have to help you, right?
J.D.: Give me a second. I'm figuring something out for a patient.
[fantasy: the four "Gyno" women are just sitting on the bed:]
Dr. Gerson: I'm glad we all finally experimented with each other, but I'll never do it again.
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Dammit.

Quote from Turk

Turk: There we go.
J.D.: [v.o.] Moonlighting sucks, but Turk and I make do.
Turk: Now, will a lollipop put a smile on your face?
J.D.: How about if Dr. Turk sings Jimmy Crack Corn? How about if Dr. Turk sings Jimmy Crack Corn as Neil Diamond?
Turk: OK. Hit it. [sings "Jimmy Crack Corn" as Neil Diamond]

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know, we're zeroing in on the guy that's been stealing stuff.
J.D.: Oh. Well, that's good.
Janitor: Yep. In fact, right now I'm dusting for fingerprints.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: Nah, I'm just dusting.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: I finished those discharge dictations you wanted, and I was able to get Mrs. Jeskie on the transplant list.
J.D.: [v.o.] And here comes the wink. OK, maybe I'll start it off.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, Sabrina, you had better tell me you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables you to hold that lid up, because you did not just wink at me.
J.D.: I didn't mean anything by it. I wink at everybody. Hey, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Save it for the bathhouses, sport.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, Dad, how are things at home?
Dr. Simon Reid: Good, good. Your mom re-did the bedroom again. I'm going to keep mine the way it is.
Elliot: Well, you don't want to be a couple that does everything together.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Hey, man, you wanna grab a couple of beers tonight?
J.D.: I can't. I'm moonlighting at urgent care.
Turk: That's funny. The lady didn't call me.
J.D.: Well, maybe that's because I found out you stole $100 from me, and I Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Turk: What?
J.D.: You know, when Marcia worked at the ice-cream shop, and then she got Jan a job, and they liked Jan better so they fired Marcia.
Turk: Yeah, Marcia Gets Creamed, season five, episode three. Don't ever question me on The Bunch. Besides, there's no way they liked you better than me.
J.D.: Well, then maybe it's because I told her that you smoke the ganja.
Turk: What? That's not even true. You're a jackass.
J.D.: Where you going? Munchies?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So this is where we all hang out. It's neat, huh?
Dr. Simon Reid: It's a hellhole.
Elliot: Dad, why are you so set on me being an OB/GYN?
Dr. Simon Reid: Look, honey, your highest income potential as a female physician is in obstetrics.
Elliot: But don't you think that maybe it's time that you left those sort of things up to me?
Dr. Simon Reid: Well, since I paid for your college, your medical school, your car, and now your apartment and your living expenses, I'd have to say "no." Good God. Someone vomited on my hotdog.
Elliot: It's chilli, Dad, OK? And you know what? Even though I really appreciate everything you've given me, it's my life. Now stop complaining and enjoy your damn meal. [eats] Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Julie: So, is your ex-wife like, "all women are crazy" crazy, or more like "that assistant who tasered David Spade" crazy?
Dr. Cox: You've got to try and understand, she's going through a rough time right now, and I'm the one she's used to leaning on, which in her current condition is actually causing me more physical pain than it is emotional. But, still, it sure was silly of her to try to make me choose between the two of you.
Julie: I guess it was a pretty easy decision, huh?
[Dr. Cox turns back towards the couch with the two drinks he's poured:]
Dr. Cox: Well, when I really had a chance to think about it, it turns out it was the easiest decision I ever made. I was always going to wind up with you.
Jordan: So the whole vulnerable crying thing worked, huh?
Dr. Cox: I never had a chance.
Jordan: You do realize I'm pregnant, don't you?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, they're both for me.
Jordan: Cheers.


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