Dr. Cox: So you had a little stage fright. It's no big deal. Happened to me once.
Turk: Really?
Dr. Cox: I'd be more than glad to tell you what a lot of doctors do to relieve the stress. Take a little trip to Palm-dale.
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: OK. Give yourself the old low five.
Turk: I'm not getting it.
Dr. Cox: Physician love thyself.
Turk: Are you talking about Downtown Lester Brown?
Dr. Cox: Lowers the heart rate, releases the endorphins. Basic physiology.
Turk: [laughs] OK, you almost had me. You're not serious?
Dr. Cox: Yes, I am.
Turk: No, you're not.
Dr. Cox: Yes.
Turk: No.

Dr. Cox: Nobody hurts Carla and gets away with it.
Doug: Who's Carla?
Dr. Cox: I was talking to myself. Don't eavesdrop. If this kid doesn't leave I'm gonna kill him. [Doug starts to get up] Now, if you leave, I'll know you were eavesdropping and I'll go and kill you anyway. Stay. Good girl.

Dr. Cox: Carla. Wow. You look great!
Carla: You're not messing with me, right?
Dr. Cox: No, but I'd like to.
Carla: Turk bought me this dress out of the blue. I guess he knew I'd love it.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Look, Carla, back when I was an intern, I remember the pressure being so insane, that the only way I could get by was to race home and even though my wife was already asleep, I'd gently wake her, look her in the eyes, and then I'd passive-aggressively torture her until she packed a bag and went to her mom's for the week. Does that help?
Carla: Like a big hug with words.
Dr. Cox: Hey. The point is just because a guy has problems expressing himself, that doesn't mean he doesn't need... you. Oh, boy. Women so don't get me. It's not even funny. It's mind-boggling, quite frankly. The whole thing is stunning.

J.D.: [v.o.] I think everyone's finally coming around to my way of thinking about Nick.
Carla: You're right, he definitely has a cute little butt.
Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted.
J.D.: Who cares? Everybody's got a cute butt. I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in some day.

Nick: Gosh, can you believe we're doctors? The other night, I'm at a restaurant and this guy starts choking. They asked if anyone was a doctor. I didn't even move.
J.D.: Yeah, you know, I still feel like I'm seven years old playing MASH with my older brother.
[flashback to a young J.D. wearing a wig next to a dog:]
Young J.D.: I don't want to be Hot Lips again.
Brother: Shut up and kiss Frank. [dog pants]
[present:]
J.D.: I don't talk to my brother much.

Elliot: You know, I kinda had a date last night.
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah. A guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.
J.D.: [laughs] You slut.
Elliot: Yeah.
J.D.: How about Nick?
Elliot: Oh, I'd love him to drool on me. Oh, that's gross. Why did I say that? I shouldn't talk to people.

J.D.: [v.o.] It felt weird trying to push Nick on her. I mean, this morning I wanted to kill the guy. But the truth is, he's so nice, he probably would've helped me.
[fantasy: J.D. choking Nick:]
Nick: Come on, J.D., you're not closing the windpipe. You've got to put more pressure down here. Come on! I know you can do it! Come on! Come on!

Todd: Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together.
Turk: And yet you continue to eat chilli.
Todd: Dude, I'm taking the cheese off.

Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, doctors. I've gathered you all here because, well... Attendance at my noon conferences has been very disappointing. In fact, I've begun to wonder if maybe you have something more important to do. Maybe you feel the need to sneak off and have a little nappy-nap? I love nappy-naps. Or maybe you've forgotten that my conferences are mandatory. My hospital, my rules!
J.D.: Actually, sir, I've never missed one. Batting 1,000 over here.
Dr. Kelso: Son, I'm more proud of you than I've ever been of an intern.

Carla: Why would Turk talk to Elliot about this and not me? They're not friends, know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: After 25 minutes, the only way I could know what you mean more is if you wrote "My boyfriend doesn't open up to me" on a mallet and smashed me over the head with it.
Carla: Why can't you just for once dig down in your heart, access some emotions and empathise with me?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, what were we doing?
Carla: See, that's why no one likes you.
Dr. Cox: Hey, you like me a little bit. [to Nurse Roberts] And so do you, sweet cakes. Huh? Want a little sugar from Daddy?