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‘My Inconvenient Truth’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Inconvenient Truth

703. My Inconvenient Truth

Aired November 8, 2007

When J.D.'s brother Dan (Tom Cavanagh) comes to town, J.D. is surprised by how much he's grown up. Meanwhile, the Janitor takes up the cause of environmental activism after seeing An Inconvenient Truth.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Sorry, these spaces are now for carpool only.
Dr. Kelso: What if someone who's not a carpool parks here?
Janitor: Obviously, as environmental officer, I don't have any real power, but I can give you this citation, just as a symbolic gesture. You'll notice on the back, I made a list of possible consequences for violating the hospital's new green policy. If you leave a light on, I make you lick a battery or eat a light bulb, your choice.
Dr. Kelso: Of course.
Janitor: And as for parking in a carpool only lane, well, I can't really damage your car, but I might just throw wasp hive in there.
Turk: Hey, guys. [gets in car; buzzing sounds]
Janitor: Maybe mess with the locks so you can't get it.
Turk: [screams]

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey, if you're gonna drive that gas guzzler, the least you can do is car pool.
Janitor: Hey, I don't see you bringing anybody to work.
Ted: Hey, I just dropped my mom off at the mall. She sits on the seat and then holds on by tucking her hands inside my bike shorts.
Janitor: That's disgusting.
Ted: Yeah. Doesn't feel right.

Quote from Dan

J.D.: Anyway, you want to know what the cherry on top on the crap Sundae that is my life? Tomorrow, my loser brother's coming here. Not happy.
Turk: Dude, you need some perspective. This guy came in for a simple spinal fusion. He got septic and there was nothing we could do. Do you still want to complain because you're brother's coming in today?
J.D.: Uh. Tomorrow. Dan's coming tomorrow.
[The horrifically mutilated patient sits up, revealing it's Dan. He starts stretching behind J.D.'s back]
Turk: No, actually, he's coming in today. He gave me a call, asked me if I'd help him with some embarrassing prank he wanted to pull on you.
J.D.: Thanks for the warning, Turk. You're a good friend.
Turk: I am!
[J.D. notices a crowd of people watching behind the window]
J.D.: Why are they all here?
Dan: Zombie!
J.D.: [screams]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Three admissions in six months for stress related issues? Really? Well, here's what I want you to do. Stop. Getting. Worked up. Over. Again, over. Small. Things. They're everywhere. This stuff that's making you goofy, it's all over. Stop that. Get him out of here. Dear God.
Boon: Here's your coffee, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: You want me to grab that, even though I suspect the reason that you're holding the handle is because the mug itself is scolding hot. Now, I sent you out to get me some Joe, not to give me a burn. Put the coffee down. Get out. Get out. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Elliot: Wow!
Dr. Cox: Yes, you. Questions? Comments?
Elliot: You do realize that you just told the patient to reduce stress and then yelled at an intern over coffee?
Dr. Cox: You are going to be a huge help when it comes time to write my memoirs.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I'm so sick of all the hypocrites around here!
[flashback to a hideously sunburnt doctor talking to a patient:]
Tan Doctor: Two words, sweetie: Sun screen.
[flashback to Dr. Kelso smoking a pipe while he talks to a man on oxygen:]
Dr. Kelso: You know your smoking is killing you? God, that's delicious!
[present:]
Elliot: Our patients shouldn't have to take advice that we can't follow ourselves.
Dr. Cox: The woman's logic is flawless.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, Robin, I see here that you passed out at work.
Robyn: Yeah, I saw a ghost.
Elliot: Really? No way.
Robyn: No. But I have to mope with something interesting, right? I mean, it was so embarrassing.
Elliot: Uh, tell people that it was your mother's ghost.
Robyn: Oh, I can't. My mom is still alive.
Elliot: Ah, bummer.
Robyn: Yeah.
Elliot: Anywho, we'll run some tests. Hopefully it will be something exotic. Wait, but not fatal.

Quote from Dan

J.D.: [v.o.] I wasn't speaking to my brother. Of course, Dan reacted the way he always does. He became a character he liked to call "the constant questioner".
Dan: Now, who's that guy? What behind that door? When is the next bus to Chicago? Seven o'clock, be under it. Where's that girl going? Wanna see me do a funny dance? [dances] Wanna see me do it around you? [dances] Break it! Break it! Break it!

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Do you think I need to grow up?
Dr. Cox: Wow. You dream your whole life about that one moment, and when it finally comes, you just... You're just not ready for it. Here it goes: the answer is a sincere, emphatic, 100% definitive, never been so sure of anything in my life, unequivocal yes. And the fact that you came to me means everybody else thinks so, too. Am I right?
[flashback:]
Elliot: Yes.
Ted: Yes.
Carla: Oh, yeah.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, hell's yeah.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey, why didn't you throw that in the recycling?
Janitor: The recycling bin is way over there.
Ted: What happened to you? You were going to change the world, man.
Janitor: I've learned to pick my battles in this world. Otherwise, ya fight, and ya fight, and one day you look in the mirror and there's an old man looking back at you, and you have to ask yourself was it all worth it?
Ted: It's been 36 hours! I'm going to say something to you, that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved, I'm really disappointed in you, you are pathetic and weak, and I don't love you anymore. Get out!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Nothing in my life could compare to this.
J.D.: I'm a dad.
Turk: That's not your kid.
J.D.: I know but he reminds me of Sam.
Turk: That's a girl!
J.D.: Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I'm-I'm having a moment here!

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] The new patient's scale had all the female staffers obsessing about one thing.
Carla: I need to loose two pounds.
Elliot: Ah, since Keith and I broke up, I've been eating and sleeping very well so I'm down a dress size.
Turk: You look like you've been sick.
Elliot: Turk, that's so sweet

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Come on baby, let's go see how much you weigh.
[Carla grabs Turk's arm]
J.D.: [v.o.] We all sensed what would happen if Turk didn't let go.
[fantasy:]
Carla: Girls?
[All the other nurses help Carla grab Turk, strip him of his clothes and put him on the scale.]
Turk: Oh, no! J.D.! Help!
Carla: 210 pounds. Good. [Carla stamps Turk's forehead with the word "Tubbo"]
Turk: What's it say?
[As J.D. laughs with the nurses, they turn their attention on him]
J.D.: Problem, ladies?
[J.D. is stripped, place on the scale and stamped with "Muscles wanted"]
J.D.: Damn you, Carla and your giant rubber stamps!

Quote from Janitor

Ted: Hey! It's your engine still running?
Janitor: Yeah, I let it run all day so I can leave the air conditioner on. That way it's nice and cool when I drive home. I got to gas up sometimes over lunch but it's worth it.
Ted: You have to see An Inconvenient Truth. It will change your life.
[later:]
Janitor: They're ruining the planet.
Ted: Yeah. [pats the Janitor on the shouler]
Janitor: Don't go! [grabs Ted's hand]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: You know what really sucks?
Dr. Cox: Being trapped in an elevator with you while you whine about your stupid life? You know what? It's actually okay. All I need to is white noise. [breathes onto his stethoscope]
J.D.: Yeah, I've got this new kid but it's come at the crappiest time of my life. Plus, I'm making the 40-minute drive on my a scooter. And if I ever wanna bring Sam here, I can't, because his stupid floppy baby neck isn't strong enough to wear a helmet.
[Dr. Cox walks off]
Turk & J.D.: Later.

Quote from J.D.

Dan: Christopher, thanks again for your help.
Turk: Hey man, if it involves making J.D. scream like a little girl, I am there for you.
J.D.: Aaah! I'm a monster!
Dan: It takes more planning than that.
Turk: It must be embarrassing for you.
J.D.: Damn it!

Quote from Ted

Janitor: Okay, people, time to save the planet. But where to begin?
Ted: My first step was going with all hemp underwear. It's awesome. Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream, then it's awesomer!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Janitor: Sir.
Dr. Kelso: Make it snappy, Jumpsuit, I'm already late for my nap. And Ted, so help me, I had better not find your head indentation on my pillow again.
Janitor: This hospital is dropping the ball environmentally and I would like to volunteer my services as an environmental officer.
Dr. Kelso: Will it cost me anything
Janitor: No.
Dr. Kelso: Knock yourself out, hippie.

Quote from J.D.

Dan: Thanks for buy me a lunch today, J.D. I'm a little cash light.
J.D.: [v.o.] Having Dan here wasn't all bad.
Carla: So, Dan, you still living with your mom?
J.D.: Carla, Dan doesn't live with our mom. He lives in the apartment that happens to be in mom's attic.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yep! Nothing makes my life seem less crappy that hanging out with my loser bro.
J.D.: I mean, sure, there's lots of bats up there but it's because there's no air conditioning.
Turk: Bats like heat?
J.D.: Musty heat, yes. Good question, Turk.
Turk: Thanks. How come you don't point out when I ask good questions?
Carla: Because I don't love you like he does.

Quote from Dan

Dan: Actually, J.D., I just bought my own house.
J.D.: How could you afford to do that on a part-time bartender salary?
Dan: I flip houses for living now. Turns out I'm really good at this real estate stuff. Probably 'cause it involves not a small amount of lying and double speak.
J.D.: Well, if you're doing so well, how come you made me buy all your lunch?
Turk: Good question, J.D.!
Dan: I was unaware one needed a reason to try and score a free meal.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, your tests came back. Your prealbumin is low, you have a protein deficiency. Robyn, you're malnourished.
Robyn: I eat. I mean, I'm not anorexic.
Elliot: I read your case history. You're a vegetarian who runs every single morning. You eat mostly salads, you've got have got a stressful job. Robin, you are 5'9" and you weigh 119 pounds. You need to gain some weight.
Dr. Cox: Hi, there. I'm gonna go head and borrow your doctor for a quick second.
[Dr. Cox carries Elliot out of the room]
Elliot: What the frick? You are wrinkling shirt!
Elliot: What are you doing? Because I gotta be honest with you, this seems widely inappropriate.
Dr. Cox: Well, I checked your malnourished patient's chart back there and and something occurred to me. You are- You are 5'9" also, aren't you?
Elliot: No! Put me the frick down! Don't you dare put me on that fricking scale.

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