Janitor: Sorry, these spaces are now for carpool only.
Dr. Kelso: What if someone who's not a carpool parks here?
Janitor: Obviously, as environmental officer, I don't have any real power, but I can give you this citation, just as a symbolic gesture. You'll notice on the back, I made a list of possible consequences for violating the hospital's new green policy. If you leave a light on, I make you lick a battery or eat a light bulb, your choice.
Dr. Kelso: Of course.
Janitor: And as for parking in a carpool only lane, well, I can't really damage your car, but I might just throw wasp hive in there.
Turk: Hey, guys. [gets in car; buzzing sounds]
Janitor: Maybe mess with the locks so you can't get it.
Turk: [screams]

Ted: Hey, if you're gonna drive that gas guzzler, the least you can do is car pool.
Janitor: Hey, I don't see you bringing anybody to work.
Ted: Hey, I just dropped my mom off at the mall. She sits on the seat and then holds on by tucking her hands inside my bike shorts.
Janitor: That's disgusting.
Ted: Yeah. Doesn't feel right.

J.D.: Anyway, you want to know what the cherry on top on the crap Sundae that is my life? Tomorrow, my loser brother's coming here. Not happy.
Turk: Dude, you need some perspective. This guy came in for a simple spinal fusion. He got septic and there was nothing we could do. Do you still want to complain because you're brother's coming in today?
J.D.: Uh. Tomorrow. Dan's coming tomorrow.
[The horrifically mutilated patient sits up, revealing it's Dan. He starts stretching behind J.D.'s back]
Turk: No, actually, he's coming in today. He gave me a call, asked me if I'd help him with some embarrassing prank he wanted to pull on you.
J.D.: Thanks for the warning, Turk. You're a good friend.
Turk: I am!
[J.D. notices a crowd of people watching behind the window]
J.D.: Why are they all here?
Dan: Zombie!
J.D.: [screams]

Dr. Cox: Three admissions in six months for stress related issues? Really? Well, here's what I want you to do. Stop. Getting. Worked up. Over. Again, over. Small. Things. They're everywhere. This stuff that's making you goofy, it's all over. Stop that. Get him out of here. Dear God.
Boon: Here's your coffee, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: You want me to grab that, even though I suspect the reason that you're holding the handle is because the mug itself is scolding hot. Now, I sent you out to get me some Joe, not to give me a burn. Put the coffee down. Get out. Get out. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Elliot: Wow!
Dr. Cox: Yes, you. Questions? Comments?
Elliot: You do realize that you just told the patient to reduce stress and then yelled at an intern over coffee?
Dr. Cox: You are going to be a huge help when it comes time to write my memoirs.

Elliot: I'm so sick of all the hypocrites around here!
[flashback to a hideously sunburnt doctor talking to a patient:]
Tan Doctor: Two words, sweetie: Sun screen.
[flashback to Dr. Kelso smoking a pipe while he talks to a man on oxygen:]
Dr. Kelso: You know your smoking is killing you? God, that's delicious!
[present:]
Elliot: Our patients shouldn't have to take advice that we can't follow ourselves.
Dr. Cox: The woman's logic is flawless.

Elliot: So, Robin, I see here that you passed out at work.
Robyn: Yeah, I saw a ghost.
Elliot: Really? No way.
Robyn: No. But I have to mope with something interesting, right? I mean, it was so embarrassing.
Elliot: Uh, tell people that it was your mother's ghost.
Robyn: Oh, I can't. My mom is still alive.
Elliot: Ah, bummer.
Robyn: Yeah.
Elliot: Anywho, we'll run some tests. Hopefully it will be something exotic. Wait, but not fatal.

J.D.: [v.o.] I wasn't speaking to my brother. Of course, Dan reacted the way he always does. He became a character he liked to call "the constant questioner".
Dan: Now, who's that guy? What behind that door? When is the next bus to Chicago? Seven o'clock, be under it. Where's that girl going? Wanna see me do a funny dance? [dances] Wanna see me do it around you? [dances] Break it! Break it! Break it!

J.D.: Do you think I need to grow up?
Dr. Cox: Wow. You dream your whole life about that one moment, and when it finally comes, you just... You're just not ready for it. Here it goes: the answer is a sincere, emphatic, 100% definitive, never been so sure of anything in my life, unequivocal yes. And the fact that you came to me means everybody else thinks so, too. Am I right?
[flashback:]
Elliot: Yes.
Ted: Yes.
Carla: Oh, yeah.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, hell's yeah.

Ted: Hey, why didn't you throw that in the recycling?
Janitor: The recycling bin is way over there.
Ted: What happened to you? You were going to change the world, man.
Janitor: I've learned to pick my battles in this world. Otherwise, ya fight, and ya fight, and one day you look in the mirror and there's an old man looking back at you, and you have to ask yourself was it all worth it?
Ted: It's been 36 hours! I'm going to say something to you, that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved, I'm really disappointed in you, you are pathetic and weak, and I don't love you anymore. Get out!

J.D.: [v.o.] Nothing in my life could compare to this.
J.D.: I'm a dad.
Turk: That's not your kid.
J.D.: I know but he reminds me of Sam.
Turk: That's a girl!
J.D.: Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I'm-I'm having a moment here!