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‘Our Histories’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Scrubs: Our Histories

904. Our Histories

Aired December 15, 2009

Denise tells Lucy, Cole, Drew and Maya to hold final interviews with dying patients before they go out to party. Meanwhile, J.D. and Turk get dressed up to hit the town, and Dr. Kelso says goodbye to Ted as he prepares to leave the hospital.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: Oops. That's not my drink. It's good, though. Methinks it's quitting time. Good night, gooch. Ted. [shakes hand] Ted?
Ted: That's it? I've been your whipping boy for eight years, and all I get before I disappear forever is a wet, clammy handshake? And, yes, I know that's from my hand, not yours. And, yes, I know that we've never really been friends. And, yes, I know that the Gooch is way too attractive for me. That's not relevant right now. It's just always on my mind. Please don't leave me for a baritone.
Stephanie: I won't.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I'm so hammered that the only thing I can think about are those 30-cent hot dogs at the gas station, so wrap it up.
Ted: You owe me more than a handshake. Let's go, honey.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I can't believe it's been 12 years since we started medical school.
Turk: We're getting old, Kemo Sabe.
Dr. Cox: Well, thank you, Lord. Now you do realize You could've saved yourself a lot of embarrassment and a lot of time and about seven stitches if you'd just admitted to that a little earlier. Of course, it wouldn't have been as much fun for me, and I damn sure wouldn't have gotten this terrific screensaver.
Turk: He's gonna want a copy of that.
J.D.: No, I won't.
J.D.: [v.o.] Hello, Christmas cards!
Dr. Cox: There's nothing wrong with getting older. So do yourself a favor: get a prostate exam, stop wearing ironic t-shirts and just let it happen.

Quote from Ted

Stephanie: Ted, you're not gonna just walk out without saying good-bye to anyone, are you?
Ted: Aw, nobody cares. [crowd applauds]
J.D.: We're gonna miss you.
Dr. Cox: All the best, Ted.
Dr. Kelso: Is this more like what you were looking for?
Ted: Thank you, sir. Oh, uh, forgot my keys. I'll be right back! Oh, got 'em! [crowd has dispersed] Aw. This is more appropriate.
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna miss you. Bye, Ted.
Ted: Good-bye, Bob. Well, honey, uh, play me out. [The Gooch plays "The Final Countdown"]

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: [v.o.] Being in med school Is kinda like being in basic training, and the professors are like drill sergeants. Some rule with an iron fist.
Dr. Cox: Do you feel the spit raining down on your face, maggot?! And will you ever forget the excessive production of saliva is a condition known as Sia-lor-rhea! Sialorrhea! Huh!
Lucy: Sir, no, sir!
Lucy: [v.o.] Others carry a big stick.
J.D.: You wanna become a doctor? Well, you're gonna have to work. Work your little scrubs off.
Lucy: is this the speech from Fame?
J.D.: You want fame? Well, fame costs.
Lucy: [v.o.] Our only hope for getting through it, teamwork. Unfortunately, we all just looked out for ourselves.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I've decided to no longer refer to you two as "pathetic."
J.D.: Well, thanks, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Instead, since my nephew gave me my very first thesaurus as a birthday present, I'm going to allow you to choose from the following, if you will. Miserable, pitiful, sorry, wretched, deplorable, regrettable or sad.
J.D.: "Wretched" sounds like Dickens. We'll go with wretched.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Nah, it's just old man doesn't understand two young guns - p-p-p-pow! - out on the town. He doesn't get bro-a-palooza.
J.D.: 8:00 p.m to question mark. That means we don't even know when it ends.
Dr. Cox: So many things to tear apart here, I'll focus on your delusion that you are still young. You're both much closer to 40 than you are 20. Let's face it. You're just like me. Old, tired and you gotta get up a lot at night to take a pee.
J.D.: [v.o.] Is he psychic?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Denise: They're not my med students.
Dr. Cox: They are, because you are their faculty advisor. You will advise them to start working together like a team. And even more importantly, you will teach them to never, ever again lay their grubby paws on my glazed donut. It is the one sprinkled, sugary beacon of light left in my life.

Quote from Denise

Drew: But they're not my students.
Denise: Actually, they are, because you're their faculty student advisor. So you will advise them that if they want to get through med school, they have to work together. Oh, and don't touch donuts. They're beacons of light or whatever.
Drew: When did I become the student advisor?
Denise: When you slept with the faculty advisor.
Drew: Your mom's the faculty advisor?
Denise: Joke's on you. My mom's dead.
Drew: Really?

Quote from Lucy

Cole: You guys coming to my party?
Lucy: Yes. I cannot wait to wear a dress and have a reason to actually shave again. It is like the friin' amazon down there.
Lucy: [v.o.] Too far, too far, too far.

Quote from Drew

Cole: Gonna be nuts to butts up in that piece. Big ol' wrangle-dangle!
Drew: Yeah, you're making it sound horrible, but I'm still gonna go. I need to have some fun. I've spent the last three weekends finishing up community service.
[flashback: Drew is in a green dinosaur costume in front of a bunch of prison inmates:]
Drew: I'm sorry. I was under the impression you'd all be much younger.
[reality:]
Drew: Turns out dinosaur costumes are extremely flammable.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hello, murderers, butchers, slaughterers, slayers. I love this thing.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Uh, did you hear that I was quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted. I just haven't really figured out how to pretend I care yet.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always assumed that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are gonna take some time off and tour the country.
Stephanie: We've written a song for every state.
Dr. Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to hell. [elevator halts] Damn elevator.
[Ted and Stephanie sing their song for Alabama, then Arkansas]
Dr. Cox: I'm out.
[Dr. Cox climbs through the hatch in the top of the elevator]

Quote from Denise

Denise: Tonight we're trying a little exercise in team building. No one leaves until you take final interviews from the four teal patients on this floor.
Lucy: What's a final interview?
Denise: It's a chance for old, dying people to bore you with their life story before they kick it.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: You have the voice of an angel.
Stephanie: Oh, thank you.
Ted: Oh, thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Not you, Ted. If I were ten years younger, and you were ten years younger-
Ted: It's too late, sir. I've already tapped it.
Stephanie: Ted Buckland!
Ted: I'm sorry. He brings it out of me.

Quote from Ted

Captain Duncook: Hey, hey! It's special K.
Dr. Kelso: Howdy. Melvis, Frank. Listen, that salsa was in-frickin'-sane. These are my plus two.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, do you think you could hook us up, too?
Dr. Kelso: You're gonna have to ask Ted about that because this is Ted's night.
J.D.: Ted?
Ted: I'm going to say yes, but I've never had this kind of power before, so I'm going to milk it, okay?
J.D.: Go ahead. Do your thing.
Ted: [dramatic pause] Let it be so!

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: What is your birth date? Probably just find that in the chart. Uh... How about are you married? Okay. Do you think that when bears hibernate, they have super long dreams?
Paul: What?
Lucy: You spoke. I got you! Now you owe me an answer. You know, tit for tat, which, by the way, is a horrible expression. It sounds pornographic.
Paul: Listen, girlie, I'm not interested In answering a bunch of stupid questions off of a form, so why don't you just leave me the hell alone?
Lucy: Great.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Well, I guess it's time for a little good-bye toast.
Ted: Aw, I'm not really much of a toast guy.
Dr. Kelso: A fond farewell to that skanky blonde heading out the door. I'm gonna see what other chickens are in the coop.

Quote from Cole

Cole: Hey, guys? My patient just died. I'm feeling a little too upset to keep working.
Drew: Really? What was his name?
Cole: Look, I can't do this right now, Drew! I'm hurtin'!
Lucy: You're really gonna leave us? I don't know if you can see how much my soul dies every time I let you back into my bed, but it would make me hate myself, like, four notches less if I thought you had one decent bone in your body. [Cole chuckles] Please don't laugh because I said "bone."
Cole: Hey, look, baby, I would love to stay, but I just don't want to.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Now look around the room real quick and tell me the five lamest people that you see. Feel free to start with me.
Cole: Cool. [Dr. Cox] One, old. [Ted] Two, bald and shiny. [Kelso] Three, super old. [Lt. Underhill], Four, checked out my junk at the urinal. [random barfly] And five, has weird junk. Number four told me.
Turk: We didn't make the list.
J.D.: Nope, we didn't.
Turk: You've just been served.
J.D.: Yeah, and you know what? We're gonna rub it in your face a little bit by doing some Brazilian fight dancing. Five, six, seven, eight. Capoeira, capoeira.
[As they dance, J.D. kicks Turk in the face, knocking him out]
Dr. Cox: That was outstanding.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes, reality takes the form of a kick to the head.
Cole: Sorry, bros. You just moved up to the numbers one and two spots on my lame list.
J.D.: Well, I think Turk should be number one because he appears to be bleeding.

Quote from Denise

Denise: Why would you page me?
Lucy: Paul just wants to be left alone.
Drew: Just let us go. We'll come back in the morning and take another shot at him.
Denise: Great. I'll go talk to his liver and tell it to stop failing. You don't get it, do you? Patients don't do things on your schedule. This isn't high school, guys. This is real. You know what? Do whatever you want. I don't give a rat's ass. Just make sure you can live with yourself.

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