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41Quotes from ‘My Identity Crisis’

Scrubs: My Identity Crisis

704. My Identity Crisis

Aired November 15, 2007

Carla is worried she's losing touch with her Spanish identity when she has a dream in English. Dr. Cox insists he's not lonely when Jordan goes away with the kids away for a weekend. Meanwhile, the Janitor notices that J.D. doesn't know the real names of the hospital staff.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: That is a weird dream.
J.D.: Yeah, I don't even like water parks. I mean, I did, until someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two secs after me.
Turk: Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.
J.D.: Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool, is his best friend's junk headed towards me at 40 mph. Felt like I got pistol-whipped.

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Quote from J.D.

Janitor: You're such a man of the people. Do you even know anybody's real name?
J.D.: Of course I do.
[The Janitor steps to the side to reveal Colonel Doctor, Dr. Beardfacé and Snoop Dogg Attending standing behind him]
J.D.: Why do people keep hiding behind you?
Janitor: Challenge. What's the real name?
J.D.: Well, she never told me her real name, but I like Lavernagain. And, Snoop I- I had hoped you'd legally changed your name. Never got around to that? Okay. Ah. Colonel, I have to pass on you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay. You can get this one. I know it's just like Beardface but not Beardface. What is it? Oh, right!
J.D.: Beardmouth.
All: It's Beardfacé, damn it!
Janitor: Man of the people indeed.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You just can't seem to get along with anybody, can't you? Life is so much easier if you just connect with people. Watch and learn. Colonel Doctor, loving those new frames. Ah, Snoop Dogg Attending, where my hoes at? [to Dr. Beardfacé] Oh, hey. What are you doing to that thing? It's fluffy. I wanna like rub my fingers in! [to the Janitor] You see? I connect with them. Unlike you, I'm a man of the people.

Quote from J.D.

Nurse Shirley: Can I have one of these babies?
Janitor: Why do you call 'em babies?
Nurse Roberts: Don't know. Always have.
Janitor: I like you, Shirley.
J.D.: You know something? You look just like a nurse that used to work here named Laverne. Doesn't she?
Janitor: No.
J.D.: Oh yes, she does. I feel like I'm looking at Laverne again. You just got yourself a new nickname, missy. See you in a bit, Lavernagain. Lavernagain!

Quote from Janitor

[Jordan takes toilet rolls off a supply cart]
Janitor: Hey, don't steal those babies!
Jordan: Why do you call these babies?
Janitor: It could be that when I was a kid I didn't have any toys.
Jordan: Sure, sure. Yeah.
Janitor: I used to make my own toys, as a matter of fact. I would take the toilet paper rolls, and draw little faces on 'em, and name 'em. I'd surround myself with them, hoping they would protect me. I, um, went out to the side of the road and tried to sell 'em one time, make a little money on my own, you know. But no one bought any, and when I came back home every one was gone.

Quote from Todd

Dr. Cox: Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
Todd: Speaking of healthy bones-
Jordan: Perry.
Todd: One sec, ma'am. I've got one in my pants. He's all yours.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Ah, alone for the weekend. Wonder what he's gonna do.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox slides across the floor in his underwear, a la Risky Business:]
J.D.: [slides across] Hi, Perry!
Dr. Cox: No, no you can't. Get out!
J.D.: Well, I tough it could be fun.
Dr. Cox: No. [Turk slides across]
J.D.: Turk, he said no.
Turk: But you told me...
J.D.: I assumed he'd say yes. [Todd slides across] I did not invite the Todd.
Todd: Fellas, why are you wearing such giant underwear?
[reality:]
J.D.: Sometimes, you just gotta say: What the fudge?
Elliot: That's not the line.
J.D.: I saw it on a plane.

Quote from Turk

Carla: My mother taught me how important my heritage is, and I will do the same for Izzy. And speaking Spanish is a huge part of that.
J.D.: [v.o.] Just a matter of time before they rope me in.
Carla: Plus, I wanna take to the homeland.
J.D.: [v.o.] Any second now.
Turk: Baby, you're from Chigago. Just get her a deep-dish pizza. Know what? Why don't you get me a deep dish pizza? With onions and sausage?
J.D.: [v.o.] Here it comes.
Carla: Turk, I was referring to the Dominican Republic, and if you say, "Isn't that where I bought my wrinkle-free chinos? I'm gonna kill you." Where are your ancestors from?
Turk: Um. The motherland?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Barbie. Puhlease stop lumping us in together. Tomorrow is my day off and I'm joyous to have my place all to myself. You see, I'm a lot of things. I'm a Scorpio, a registered Independent, a foodie, a parrot head. Yes, I do love that Jimmy Buffet. Always have, always will. A leg man...
Dr. Kelso: A right bastard.
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Bob. But I can assure you the one thing I am not is...
Dr. Kelso: Straight?
Dr. Cox: Audience participation is now over. The one thing I'm not is lonely. Capisce?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, I've heard Jordan's staying away the whole week down?
Dr. Cox: Oh.
Elliot: Yeah, we're being texting each other a lot since we both find out we're nervous pooers. I turned her on to one soundproofer so talented, even someone with the ear to your door can't hear when you foofy.
Dr. Cox: Interesting. Tell you what, when she gets back you two other think about having a crazy off.
Elliot: I'm gonna text her that you said that.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I can admit when I'm wrong, so... Challenge, I will learn everyone in the hospital's real name, by the end of the day.
Janitor: You are gonna learn 310 names in one day?
J.D.: Hey, the night before my anatomy final I got drunk of peppermint shnapps, 'cause Turk told me it was a special new mouthwash you could swallow. And after I was done crying and dry-heaving and lying in a fetal position, I still managed to memorize all 216 bones in the human body.
Janitor: There's only 206 bones in the human body.
J.D.: Well, it appears I learned ten more than I needed to.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I just want to throw this out there, it feels good to be your student again.
Dr. Cox: Take that back, or I'm going to shove every one of these Polaroids down your throat.
J.D.: [v.o.] Back to best friends it is.
Dr. Cox: You know what you should use? Mnemonic devices. Associate the person's name with something about them. I do it all of the time. Like this guy. Look at him. Now, there's no way he's ever going to make love to a woman, unless that woman is dead. And "dead" rhymes with "Ted". Ted.
Ted: That's how most people remember it.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Hey, baby. You know something? You're absolutely right. I do need to learn more about my heritgea, so I called my mom. And she said somehow, distantly, I'm related to the guy who invented peanuts.
Carla: Turk, that's George Washington Carver. He didn't invent peanuts. He just thought up uses for them.
Turk: I'm talking about the little foam packaging peanuts. How dumb do you think I am? Baby!

Quote from J.D.

Janitor: And action.
J.D.: All right. He looks like a serial killer, which is a kind of cereal I'd want to stay away from, like "Oat Bran". Brandon.
Janitor: Hmm. Correct.
J.D.: Okay, Snoop Dogg Attending. I saw him without his pants on, and he has crazy skinny legs, like french fries. French fries are sold at McDonald's, whose founder is Ronald McDonald. Ronald.
Janitor: You saw him without his pant on once?
J.D.: That's popcorn magnate Orville Reddenbacher.
Janitor: Nice.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Colonel Doctor. I call him that because he looks like a freaky Kentucky Fried Chicken guy. KFC makes Cole Slaw. Coleman Slawski. Incidentally, my favorite name ever.
Janitor: That's correct. But you also lost the bet.
J.D.: What are you talking about? I won.
Janitor: No.
[The Janitor changes the slide to reveal a picture of himself]
J.D.: Aah. That's not fair, nobody knows your name.
Janitor: Ha ha! You know what that means?
J.D.: Fine, you win.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: It's like this ammonia is seeping into my brain, and making me violent, and angry, and hateful.
Janitor: Yep. That's how it starts.
J.D.: [to intern] What the hell are you looking at?
Janitor: Nice.
J.D.: Felt good.


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