Turk: That is a weird dream.
J.D.: Yeah, I don't even like water parks. I mean, I did, until someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two secs after me.
Turk: Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.
J.D.: Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool, is his best friend's junk headed towards me at 40 mph. Felt like I got pistol-whipped.

Janitor: You're such a man of the people. Do you even know anybody's real name?
J.D.: Of course I do.
[The Janitor steps to the side to reveal Colonel Doctor, Dr. Beardfacé and Snoop Dogg Attending standing behind him]
J.D.: Why do people keep hiding behind you?
Janitor: Challenge. What's the real name?
J.D.: Well, she never told me her real name, but I like Lavernagain. And, Snoop I- I had hoped you'd legally changed your name. Never got around to that? Okay. Ah. Colonel, I have to pass on you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay. You can get this one. I know it's just like Beardface but not Beardface. What is it? Oh, right!
J.D.: Beardmouth.
All: It's Beardfacé, damn it!
Janitor: Man of the people indeed.

J.D.: You just can't seem to get along with anybody, can't you? Life is so much easier if you just connect with people. Watch and learn. Colonel Doctor, loving those new frames. Ah, Snoop Dogg Attending, where my hoes at? [to Dr. Beardfacé] Oh, hey. What are you doing to that thing? It's fluffy. I wanna like rub my fingers in! [to the Janitor] You see? I connect with them. Unlike you, I'm a man of the people.

Nurse Shirley: Can I have one of these babies?
Janitor: Why do you call 'em babies?
Nurse Roberts: Don't know. Always have.
Janitor: I like you, Shirley.
J.D.: You know something? You look just like a nurse that used to work here named Laverne. Doesn't she?
Janitor: No.
J.D.: Oh yes, she does. I feel like I'm looking at Laverne again. You just got yourself a new nickname, missy. See you in a bit, Lavernagain. Lavernagain!

[Jordan takes toilet rolls off a supply cart]
Janitor: Hey, don't steal those babies!
Jordan: Why do you call these babies?
Janitor: It could be that when I was a kid I didn't have any toys.
Jordan: Sure, sure. Yeah.
Janitor: I used to make my own toys, as a matter of fact. I would take the toilet paper rolls, and draw little faces on 'em, and name 'em. I'd surround myself with them, hoping they would protect me. I, um, went out to the side of the road and tried to sell 'em one time, make a little money on my own, you know. But no one bought any, and when I came back home every one was gone.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
Todd: Speaking of healthy bones-
Jordan: Perry.
Todd: One sec, ma'am. I've got one in my pants. He's all yours.

J.D.: Ah, alone for the weekend. Wonder what he's gonna do.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox slides across the floor in his underwear, a la Risky Business:]
J.D.: [slides across] Hi, Perry!
Dr. Cox: No, no you can't. Get out!
J.D.: Well, I tough it could be fun.
Dr. Cox: No. [Turk slides across]
J.D.: Turk, he said no.
Turk: But you told me...
J.D.: I assumed he'd say yes. [Todd slides across] I did not invite the Todd.
Todd: Fellas, why are you wearing such giant underwear?
[reality:]
J.D.: Sometimes, you just gotta say: What the fudge?
Elliot: That's not the line.
J.D.: I saw it on a plane.

Carla: My mother taught me how important my heritage is, and I will do the same for Izzy. And speaking Spanish is a huge part of that.
J.D.: [v.o.] Just a matter of time before they rope me in.
Carla: Plus, I wanna take to the homeland.
J.D.: [v.o.] Any second now.
Turk: Baby, you're from Chigago. Just get her a deep-dish pizza. Know what? Why don't you get me a deep dish pizza? With onions and sausage?
J.D.: [v.o.] Here it comes.
Carla: Turk, I was referring to the Dominican Republic, and if you say, "Isn't that where I bought my wrinkle-free chinos? I'm gonna kill you." Where are your ancestors from?
Turk: Um. The motherland?

Dr. Cox: Barbie. Puhlease stop lumping us in together. Tomorrow is my day off and I'm joyous to have my place all to myself. You see, I'm a lot of things. I'm a Scorpio, a registered Independent, a foodie, a parrot head. Yes, I do love that Jimmy Buffet. Always have, always will. A leg man...
Dr. Kelso: A right bastard.
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Bob. But I can assure you the one thing I am not is...
Dr. Kelso: Straight?
Dr. Cox: Audience participation is now over. The one thing I'm not is lonely. Capisce?

Elliot: So, I've heard Jordan's staying away the whole week down?
Dr. Cox: Oh.
Elliot: Yeah, we're being texting each other a lot since we both find out we're nervous pooers. I turned her on to one soundproofer so talented, even someone with the ear to your door can't hear when you foofy.
Dr. Cox: Interesting. Tell you what, when she gets back you two other think about having a crazy off.
Elliot: I'm gonna text her that you said that.