Trending ‘Scrubs’ Quotes

Quote from Janitor in My Saving Grace

Dr. Cox: Ah, yeah. This Maddox is a damn sketchy. I guarantee you will find something in these files.
Janitor: Hurry up, man, I don't wanna get busted!
Dr. Cox: Now listen there, Great Ape, I only invited you to help me because it had never dawned on me that you'd get all panicky over a little breaking-and-entering.
Janitor: Actually, I'm not. See, this stuff has become so mundane to me that I've created a character who's terrified about going back to prison. And through him, I hope to feel once again, the old rush.
Dr. Cox: You carry on.
Janitor: Good. 'cause I can't go back there, man! Not after what they did to Johnny. Oh, Johnny, he was the best. I wish you'd known him. Those guards worked him over good. They shanked him with a shiv. And they shivved him with a shank. All for a pack of smokes. Johnny, you were too beautiful for this world, man. Hope you're king in the next! Johnny! Johnny.

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Quote from Turk in My Philosophy

Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack. I want you to do what I do. I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie. Can you imagine that for me?
[later:]
Man: You told my son there were little men inside him? He barely sleeps as it is.
Turk: Sir, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Man: That was sick.
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it. The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a Ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone. It's for my girlfriend. Hey, Ralphie. Little men, pushing it out, pushing it out.

Quote from Dr. Cox in My Clean Break

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it's a cliche, but sailors say that it is indeed the calm before the storm that lets you know that danger's coming. [growling] Uh-oh.
Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because, you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever and the next five.

Quote from Turk in My Advice to You

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

Quote from J.D. in My Half-Acre

J.D.: I'm having so much fun hanging out with you. Can you believe we've been talking two hours?
Julie: Seriously?
J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom, I set the clock two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by.
Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror with my finger so next time you took a shower and it fogged up, you'd think ghosts were telling you to be with me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.
[fade to: J.D. and Julie looking much older as they sit on the couch:]
J.D.: Smile.
Julie: Oh, God, this mask is hot.
J.D.: Thanks for doing that. I wanted a picture of us old, you know? That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident, we'll always have that memory of us together.

Quote from J.D. in My Ocardial Infarction

J.D.: I just, I don't know what to do when everything goes wrong at once. It's overwhelming.
Elliot: You wanna know what my big secret is? Just take one big breath. Everything will slow down and you can just tackle each thing as it comes.
J.D.: That's your big secret? Breathing?
Elliot: Why do you have such a problem with me teaching you stuff?
J.D.: It's just that you're a little smug.
Elliot: You called yourself Dr. Diagnosis and made me your side-kick. J.D., you've been the golden boy around here for the past three years while I have cried in closets and hid from Dr. Cox and relied on you every single day to get me through it. I mean, now that I am finally doing well enough to pay you back, maybe you can tell me why you're being such an unbelievable jerk.
J.D.: Because you're the one that's supposed to struggle, not me.

Quote from Janitor in My Chief Concern

Lady: Hey, you coming up to the third floor today?
Janitor: No, I am not cleaning the third floor this month. I'm sending a message: You steal a man's sandwich off his cart, you stew in your own filth.
Lady: Sweetie, I took that sandwich.
Janitor: Well, I can't change my mind now. I'll look like a flip-flopper.

Quote from Janitor in My Nickname

Janitor: Hey, from now on, your name is Scooter.
J.D.: I don't get it.
Janitor: Short for scooter pie. I hate scooter pies.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [v.o.] You big jerk.

Quote from Elliot in My New Coat

Elliot: I've never done anything like this. I just met him and slept with him.
Mrs. Bumbry: God, I miss one-night stands.
Elliot: The best thing was, since I knew it was just a fling, I wasn't afraid to ask him for exactly what I wanted.
Carla: Which was?
Elliot: Shirt on, lights off, no talking.

Quote from Dr. Kelso in My Best Moment

[Dr. Kelso reminisces about his best moment in medicine: He is surrounded by two women on a tropical island convention for Plomox:]
Waiter: Excuse me, sir. A man just fainted over there! Are you a doctor?
Dr. Kelso: Not this weekend, son. Another Bahama mama, please. Easy on the Bahama, heavy on the mama! How you doin'?
[present:]
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I know you told Carla to bounce Mr. Milligan to County, but it's Christmas. So what do you say?
Dr. Kelso: I'd say get me a 3T form. 3T... What's that?
Dr. Kelso: That's tough titties, Turkleton!

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock in My Best Laid Plans

J.D.: [v.o.] Thank god Turk left, because I can't think about sex anymore. Luckily for me, there isn't a whole lot of temptation in a hospital.
[fantasy: J.D. imagines Dr. Molly Clock posing seductively in her underwear:]
Dr. Molly Clock: Howdy, stranger. Do you still want me?
[reality:]
J.D.: Yes, please. [hugs air]
Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, stranger. [J.D. screams and falls backwards.] Ouch.

Quote from Dr. Cox in My Hard Labor

J.D.: The kid's not even born yet, and I'm already screwing up his life. I just wanted him to be really happy, and normal, you know?
Dr. Cox: Okay, first of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid. So the whole normal part was never gonna happen. And you didn't mess up his life.
J.D.: Ah, come on, statistics show that kids whose parents stay together-
Dr. Cox: "Statistics show"? Who- Who cares, what statistics show? I mean, look at medicine. 80% of people with pancreatic cancer die within five years. 95% of appendectomies occur with zero complications. But we both know pancreatic cancer patients that lived, and appendix patients that, unfortunately, passed. Statistics mean nothing to the individual. You're either gonna be a good parent to that kid, or you're not. I mean, hell, your parents were divorced, and you somehow managed to become a relatively successful doctor. And I'm sure there's someone somewhere who would be proud to call you their son.
J.D.: Would you be proud to call me your son?
Dr. Cox: This conversation's over.

Quote from J.D. in My Growing Pains

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, walk by, so he doesn't even have a chance to tempt you. What the hell is behind his ear?
Turk: I know you see that. Why don't you just go ahead and grab it?
J.D.: Turk, I am not playing "Hide the Saltine".
Turk: You know you wanna.
Carla: That's 1-nothing me! [eats saltine]
Turk: Yes, it is!
J.D. & Dr. Cox: [in unison] Wait. Why are you torturing me?

Quote from Dr. Kelso in My Growing Pains

Nurse: Happy birthday, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, thank you.
Elliot: Oh, my God, is that a smile?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's like the last year, when the safety brake failed on Enid's wheelchair, and she started rolling toward our pool, I told myself: "Bob, it's already too late to stop it so you might as well sit back and enjoy it."

Quote from J.D. in My Nah Nah Nah

[as J.D. reminisces about an old conversation about Elliot:]
J.D.: So Turk, this Elliot chick is pretty hot.
Turk: She got nice boobies?
J.D.: Awesome boobies.
Turk: So how's the butt?
J.D.: Flat. Just like I like it.
Turk: Oh, yeah. [sings] J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt-
[out loud:]
J.D.: I was just thinking about the first time I told Turk about you.

Quote from Elliot in Our Stuff Gets Reals

J.D.: Plus once the kid's born, you're gonna be obsessed. You've probably already picked out what she's gonna wear on her first day of school.
Elliot: So? That decision brands you forever. I still have night terrors about my first day of high school. I wore this suede fringe outfit because of that movie Can't Buy Me Love. Oh, J.D., it's the most amazing film. Fade in: Patrick Dempsey, a fresh-faced nerd.
J.D.: Elliot, do you think there's a Patrick Dempsey movie I haven't seen?