Trending ‘Scrubs’ Quotes

Quote from Turk in My Advice to You

J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!


Quote from Janitor in My First Day

Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Quote from Dr. Cox in My Lucky Night

J.D.: Uh, listen, while I have you here. I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that, when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian." I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
Dr. Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiessen! Let me go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One, if someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two, I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring Back the Porn!" Three, and most importantly of all, the only way to be respected as a doctor - nay, respected as a man - is to be an island. You are born alone, you damn sure die alone. Isn't that right, Spike? The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.
J.D.: I should get that tattooed on my neck.

Quote from Turk in My Changing Ways

J.D.: Just say you're sorry, give me a hug, and this'll all be over.
Turk: Why do I have to say I'm sorry?
J.D.: Dude, I don't mean to sound girly, but for the last 12 years, you've practically been like my wife.
Turk: How is that girly?
J.D.: Look, before, when you said I'd never be as cool as when I was living with you, you know there's some truth to that. I'm sorta like odd and geeky and you've always sort of validated me.
Turk: J.D., you're just moving out.
J.D.: Well, say things will be the same.
Turk: [pager beeps] That's Carla. I gotta go. You're right. Things are gonna be different. But different doesn't always mean bad. Just means different.

Quote from Dr. Kelso in My Best Moment

[Dr. Kelso reminisces about his best moment in medicine: He is surrounded by two women on a tropical island convention for Plomox:]
Waiter: Excuse me, sir. A man just fainted over there! Are you a doctor?
Dr. Kelso: Not this weekend, son. Another Bahama mama, please. Easy on the Bahama, heavy on the mama! How you doin'?
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I know you told Carla to bounce Mr. Milligan to County, but it's Christmas. So what do you say?
Dr. Kelso: I'd say get me a 3T form. 3T... What's that?
Dr. Kelso: That's tough titties, Turkleton!

Quote from Turk in My Own Worst Enemy

Elliot: Hey, I'm sorry for barging in so late, I hope I didn't interrupt anything important-
Turk: Actually, since I'm diabetic, Carla only lets me eat one candy bar every six months, so she was helping me choose which one to go with. First, we cut out all candy that sounds remotely racist, which includes all dark chocolate and I know this sounds weird, but Jujubes. Then Carla was like, "What about Junior Mints?", and I was like, "Junior Mints? Baby, if I want my candy to freshen my breath, I'd just lap some toothpaste on a whatchamacallit bar and go to town on that bad boy!" You know what I'm saying? She knows I'm changing the subject 'cause she's sad. Come here, come here, Elliot. [they hug]
Elliot: No.
Turk: Okay. [walks away]
Carla: What did he ask you?
Elliot: Oh, he just wanted to know if there's anything I needed.
Carla: Elliot?
Elliot: He asked me if they still make Mars bars.

Quote from Janitor in My Saving Grace

Dr. Cox: Ah, yeah. This Maddox is a damn sketchy. I guarantee you will find something in these files.
Janitor: Hurry up, man, I don't wanna get busted!
Dr. Cox: Now listen there, Great Ape, I only invited you to help me because it had never dawned on me that you'd get all panicky over a little breaking-and-entering.
Janitor: Actually, I'm not. See, this stuff has become so mundane to me that I've created a character who's terrified about going back to prison. And through him, I hope to feel once again, the old rush.
Dr. Cox: You carry on.
Janitor: Good. 'cause I can't go back there, man! Not after what they did to Johnny. Oh, Johnny, he was the best. I wish you'd known him. Those guards worked him over good. They shanked him with a shiv. And they shivved him with a shank. All for a pack of smokes. Johnny, you were too beautiful for this world, man. Hope you're king in the next! Johnny! Johnny.

Quote from Carla in My Cold Shower

Turk: Baby, will you do me a favor tonight that requires no effort on your part?
Carla: Sure, what is it?
Turk: Would you have sex with me? Come on! We haven't had relations since Izzy was born.
Carla: Turk, I'm just not there yet. I mean, if you weren't emotionally ready would you wanna have sex.
Turk: Baby, I don't even understand the question.
Carla: Go away.
Turk: Oh, man!