J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!

Carla: Turk, don't eat off my plate.
Turk: You're right, baby. I'm sorry. That's rude. [takes the steak]
Carla: So you're having steak with a side of steak?
Turk: That's right, turf and turf.

Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

J.D.: What do you hate most about the holidays?
Carla: Wrapping presents. You?
J.D.: My family.
Nurse Roberts: I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit around here.
Turk: [wearing antlers and red nose] Come on, guys. All the spirit you need is right here. Can I get a amen?
J.D.: [v.o.] One thing about Turk, he's always been good at rallying people.
[fantasy: Turk is preaching in front of a choir in the cafeteria:]
Turk: Congregation, I said, can I get a amen?
All: Amen!
Turk: 'Tis the season of givin', y'all. And what better place to give than right here at Sacred Heart? Lovest thou me, then feed my sheep! Right here, at Sacred Heart, we are not only gonna feed his sheep but we gonna clothe them. And we gonna bathe them. And we gonna cut 'em open. Then we gonna stitch 'em right back together. Because that is what Christmas is all about. That's right!

Turk: Hey, Carla. Carla, wait! Where are you going?
Carla: I'm gonna go crash at my place tonight, like you said.
Turk: You want to know what's wrong? That's what's wrong. "I'm gonna go chill out at my house, like you said."
Carla: God, you're so sexy right now.
Turk: I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, you know, we're past that new, exciting relationship phase, and all that's left is us. Baby, I gotta tell you, you drive me crazy, alright? You take my French fries, you boss me around in front of my friends.
Carla: You said strong women turn you on.
Turk: Forget about it.
Carla: Look, we all know what you're gonna do, so why not be a man and do it so I can go home?
Turk: OK. I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.
Carla: Me too.
Turk: Yeah?
Carla: I love you.

Turk: Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off?
J.D.: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.
Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss and we hug and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas! Now check the ball, cracker.

[Dr. Kelso reminisces about his best moment in medicine: He is surrounded by two women on a tropical island convention for Plomox:]
Waiter: Excuse me, sir. A man just fainted over there! Are you a doctor?
Dr. Kelso: Not this weekend, son. Another Bahama mama, please. Easy on the Bahama, heavy on the mama! How you doin'?
[present:]
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I know you told Carla to bounce Mr. Milligan to County, but it's Christmas. So what do you say?
Dr. Kelso: I'd say get me a 3T form.
Turk: 3T... What's that?
Dr. Kelso: That's tough titties, Turkleton!

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, nametags. I need to wire some cash to my son so he can make bail. Apparently, that musical he was producing was just a front for a crystal meth lab. And here's the kicker: He fled to Toronto, so now the freaking Mounties are involved. Anyhoo, I need somebody to zip out to my house and grab $400.
Janitor: I'll do it. I shouldn't be mopping in here anyway. This is a rug.
J.D.: [sloshing] Don't let him in your house, sir. He'll steal everything you've got like he stole my camera.
Dr. Kelso: You know the difference between you and me, Dorian?
J.D.: Your melon-sized prostate, sir?
Dr. Kelso: I will never fear this man. You think I'm afraid of you, chief?
Janitor: No, sir, I do not.
Dr. Kelso: Now, look, I keep my extra cash in a pickle jar on the top shelf over the sink. Enid wants that jar so bad she can taste it. [laughs] Oh, right. You don't remember she's paralyzed and can't stand out of her wheelchair. That's why you're not laughing.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. We're not laughing because we're all horrified.
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Well, it tickles me.

Dr. Cox: It really is just super that you're here with us as a reminder that surgeons really are simply ignorant scalpel jocks. Hell, after surgery, if there's the slightest medical issue you just turf the patient right down to us, the real doctors, so we can pick up your slack. You cut and run, if you will. That's right, it's not just a phrase used by political pundits who wear bow ties. It is also the number one reason that all of you should pray to God, or, in your case, Rex, Moko the Samoan Bird King, that you never have to be treated by these flesh hungry butchers. Jenny, take his glasses as a trophy.

Janitor: That good/evil thing was in my head because I was watching Unbreakable by Muh. Night Shyamalan.
J.D.: It's "M. Night", you- You don't say "Muh Night". It's- It's M. Night, no Muh.
Janitor: No, it's Muh. Like Cee. Thomas Howell or Fff. Murray Abraham.
J.D.: Don't think so.
Janitor: No Muh?
J.D.: No Muh.
Janitor: Well, that's funny. 'cause we've bowling the other night, and he says, "Man, no one ever says my name right." I said, "Muh, you've got two bigger problems than that. One of them is that seven/ten split you left for yourself. And the other one is, how about trying to write a movie without a big twist ending." Well, he took offence, got pissy, wouldn't talk me for a good hour, but he loosened up on the hay ride.