Trending ‘Scrubs’ Quotes
Dr. Cox: Ah, yeah. This Maddox is a damn sketchy. I guarantee you will find something in these files.
Janitor: Hurry up, man, I don't wanna get busted!
Dr. Cox: Now listen there, Great Ape, I only invited you to help me because it had never dawned on me that you'd get all panicky over a little breaking-and-entering.
Janitor: Actually, I'm not. See, this stuff has become so mundane to me that I've created a character who's terrified about going back to prison. And through him, I hope to feel once again, the old rush.
Dr. Cox: You carry on.
Janitor: Good. 'cause I can't go back there, man! Not after what they did to Johnny. Oh, Johnny, he was the best. I wish you'd known him. Those guards worked him over good. They shanked him with a shiv. And they shivved him with a shank. All for a pack of smokes. Johnny, you were too beautiful for this world, man. Hope you're king in the next! Johnny! Johnny.
Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack. I want you to do what I do. I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie. Can you imagine that for me?
Man: You told my son there were little men inside him? He barely sleeps as it is.
Turk: Sir, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Man: That was sick.
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it. The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a Ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone. It's for my girlfriend. Hey, Ralphie. Little men, pushing it out, pushing it out.
J.D.: [v.o.] I know it's a cliche, but sailors say that it is indeed the calm before the storm that lets you know that danger's coming. [growling] Uh-oh.
Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because, you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever and the next five.
J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice when someone from Carla's family comes to town. Mostly because she cleans our apartment.
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wuh-huh!
J.D.: I'm having so much fun hanging out with you. Can you believe we've been talking two hours?
J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom, I set the clock two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by.
Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror with my finger so next time you took a shower and it fogged up, you'd think ghosts were telling you to be with me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.
[fade to: J.D. and Julie looking much older as they sit on the couch:]
Julie: Oh, God, this mask is hot.
J.D.: Thanks for doing that. I wanted a picture of us old, you know? That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident, we'll always have that memory of us together.
J.D.: I just, I don't know what to do when everything goes wrong at once. It's overwhelming.
Elliot: You wanna know what my big secret is? Just take one big breath. Everything will slow down and you can just tackle each thing as it comes.
J.D.: That's your big secret? Breathing?
Elliot: Why do you have such a problem with me teaching you stuff?
J.D.: It's just that you're a little smug.
Elliot: You called yourself Dr. Diagnosis and made me your side-kick. J.D., you've been the golden boy around here for the past three years while I have cried in closets and hid from Dr. Cox and relied on you every single day to get me through it. I mean, now that I am finally doing well enough to pay you back, maybe you can tell me why you're being such an unbelievable jerk.
J.D.: Because you're the one that's supposed to struggle, not me.
Lady: Hey, you coming up to the third floor today?
Janitor: No, I am not cleaning the third floor this month. I'm sending a message: You steal a man's sandwich off his cart, you stew in your own filth.
Lady: Sweetie, I took that sandwich.
Janitor: Well, I can't change my mind now. I'll look like a flip-flopper.
Janitor: Hey, from now on, your name is Scooter.
J.D.: I don't get it.
Janitor: Short for scooter pie. I hate scooter pies.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [v.o.] You big jerk.
Elliot: I've never done anything like this. I just met him and slept with him.
Mrs. Bumbry: God, I miss one-night stands.
Elliot: The best thing was, since I knew it was just a fling, I wasn't afraid to ask him for exactly what I wanted.
Carla: Which was?
Elliot: Shirt on, lights off, no talking.
[Dr. Kelso reminisces about his best moment in medicine: He is surrounded by two women on a tropical island convention for Plomox:]
Waiter: Excuse me, sir. A man just fainted over there! Are you a doctor?
Dr. Kelso: Not this weekend, son. Another Bahama mama, please. Easy on the Bahama, heavy on the mama! How you doin'?
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I know you told Carla to bounce Mr. Milligan to County, but it's Christmas. So what do you say?
Dr. Kelso: I'd say get me a 3T form. 3T... What's that?
Dr. Kelso: That's tough titties, Turkleton!
J.D.: [v.o.] Thank god Turk left, because I can't think about sex anymore. Luckily for me, there isn't a whole lot of temptation in a hospital.
[fantasy: J.D. imagines Dr. Molly Clock posing seductively in her underwear:]
Dr. Molly Clock: Howdy, stranger. Do you still want me?
J.D.: Yes, please. [hugs air]
Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, stranger. [J.D. screams and falls backwards.] Ouch.
J.D.: The kid's not even born yet, and I'm already screwing up his life. I just wanted him to be really happy, and normal, you know?
Dr. Cox: Okay, first of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid. So the whole normal part was never gonna happen. And you didn't mess up his life.
J.D.: Ah, come on, statistics show that kids whose parents stay together-
Dr. Cox: "Statistics show"? Who- Who cares, what statistics show? I mean, look at medicine. 80% of people with pancreatic cancer die within five years. 95% of appendectomies occur with zero complications. But we both know pancreatic cancer patients that lived, and appendix patients that, unfortunately, passed. Statistics mean nothing to the individual. You're either gonna be a good parent to that kid, or you're not. I mean, hell, your parents were divorced, and you somehow managed to become a relatively successful doctor. And I'm sure there's someone somewhere who would be proud to call you their son.
J.D.: Would you be proud to call me your son?
Dr. Cox: This conversation's over.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, walk by, so he doesn't even have a chance to tempt you. What the hell is behind his ear?
Turk: I know you see that. Why don't you just go ahead and grab it?
J.D.: Turk, I am not playing "Hide the Saltine".
Turk: You know you wanna.
Carla: That's 1-nothing me! [eats saltine]
Turk: Yes, it is!
J.D. & Dr. Cox: [in unison] Wait. Why are you torturing me?
Nurse: Happy birthday, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, thank you.
Elliot: Oh, my God, is that a smile?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's like the last year, when the safety brake failed on Enid's wheelchair, and she started rolling toward our pool, I told myself: "Bob, it's already too late to stop it so you might as well sit back and enjoy it."
[as J.D. reminisces about an old conversation about Elliot:]
J.D.: So Turk, this Elliot chick is pretty hot.
Turk: She got nice boobies?
J.D.: Awesome boobies.
Turk: So how's the butt?
J.D.: Flat. Just like I like it.
Turk: Oh, yeah. [sings] J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt-
J.D.: I was just thinking about the first time I told Turk about you.
J.D.: Plus once the kid's born, you're gonna be obsessed. You've probably already picked out what she's gonna wear on her first day of school.
Elliot: So? That decision brands you forever. I still have night terrors about my first day of high school. I wore this suede fringe outfit because of that movie Can't Buy Me Love. Oh, J.D., it's the most amazing film. Fade in: Patrick Dempsey, a fresh-faced nerd.
J.D.: Elliot, do you think there's a Patrick Dempsey movie I haven't seen?