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42Quotes from ‘My New God’

Scrubs: My New God

505. My New God

Aired January 17, 2006

Dr. Cox's born-again Christian sister, Paige (guest star Cheryl Hines), comes to town for Jack's baptism. When Turk tires of the clinical, procreational sex Carla is demanding, he spices things up by deliberately making her angry. Meanwhile, the Janitor asks J.D. to help him move.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: What does he find irritating about you?
Dr. Cox: Fire at will.
Paige: I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.
J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, I wished something'd break the tension.
Turk: [paper beeps] [singing] Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Smack the moneymaker! Smack it!
J.D.: That's how he likes it.
Turk: Sex time, people!
J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy. Like Jesus.

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Quote from Elliot

Elliot: You can talk to me if you want.
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something.
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.
Turk: And vagina is...
Elliot: Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.
Turk: Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus.
Elliot: Ah-ah, b-b-but, mm-mmm. From now on, [quietly] cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."
Turk: Icky sticky.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I don't know why I bother. Little Hayley doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs. Big frick. Last month it was Cassie.
J.D.: Ooh, Cassie's pretty.
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Come on. Grab some boxes. Let's get to moving.
J.D.: [v.o.] I hope I can find a way to connect with him.
[J.D. dives across the room to save a falling vase]
Janitor: Thanks. That's one of my favorite pieces.
J.D.: You're welcome, friend. I gotta say, you have a lot of Asian art around here.
Janitor: When I was a kid, I always thought I'd travel the world, you know. But after college I went to China. Did all the touristy things. I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local. You know, just the regular stuff. Anyway, I guess I decorate my place this way because it reminds me of a more optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy.
J.D.: Doesn't sound crazy at all.
Janitor: Thanks, man.
J.D.: [v.o.] And like that, I was in.

Quote from J.D.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D.: Can Christians say "ass" now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mom an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.
Paige: No.
J.D.: Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing? Or being a surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. That's interesting.
J.D.: [v.o.] Don't cry in front of people.
Paige: Perry and I don't talk much.
J.D.: Oh, they don't talk much! There's no talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me, the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer, and the resurgence of the hard-shell taco. The small being...
Paige: The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and ah-ha-ha-all fruit-infused liquors, your name still would not have come up.
Dr. Cox: I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more irritating.

Quote from Carla

Turk: [singing] I'm going to have some sex I'm going to have some sex.
Carla: OK, so my cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated and pillows will keep my vagina angled so the semen can pool against my cervix.
Turk: Baby, that is some God-awful dirty talk.
Carla: Turk, we're making a baby. Let's get down to business.
Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat. I need 30 minutes of foreplay. Then, and only then, can I be fully ready to make love to you.
Carla: Tyra Banks. There, you're ready.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] After four years, I know the hospital so well, I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds. Two quick steps to the left to avoid Overly Ambitious Orderly. Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again.
Doug: The man's dead, J.D. show some respect.
J.D.: [v.o.] And finally, Dr. Kelso's 9am wrong-shoulder-tap.
Dr. Kelso: Damn it! Every morning, tapping. No one's ever there!
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, you can't be ready for everything.
Janitor: Hey. Help me move this weekend.
J.D.: [v.o.] We scoff, and we walk away.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Remind me again why you're having our son baptized.
Jordan: Oh, what do you even care? You're not going.
Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares.
Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, please tell me you didn't.
Jordan: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realize you'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come. [chuckling] How weird would it be if I was like that?
Carla: Totally.
Jordan: Weird.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only. That's how they're doing it.
Carla: I'm going.
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. Of course you're going. As a matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D.: [softly] I am honored.
Dr. Cox: [softly] I am lying.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: What's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. We haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
J.D.: [v.o.] Once a month? That's crazy!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [ominous music plays, suddenly stops] Oh, hey, fellas. I'm trying to give somebody the evil eye over there. Would you mind breaking it up so I can? You understand. Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. Thank you. [ominous music resumes]

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] And then it occurred to me. This was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend.
J.D.: I'll do it.
Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable.
Both: No, I'm not.
Both: Stop doing that!
Both: Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Paige, we have protocol here. First we shake our Magic 8-Ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.
Paige: Oh, right, 'cause people who believe in God are crazy and you're the sane one.

Quote from J.D.

[As Dr. Cox and Paige energetically argue outside the room]
J.D.: Hey, do you guys like improv? 'Cause I'm kind of an expert. There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying. Like watch. "Do you want some pie?" "Not me! I hate pie!" "What are you talking about? Who hates pie? Everyone loves pie!" "I've always hated pie. You never understood me. You're a pie racist." "You're a cobbler whore."
J.D.: [v.o.] For God's sake, get off pie!
Paige: Jerk.
Dr. Cox: Republican.
J.D.: Pie.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I need to find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is working. If you happen to be keeping score, that would be medicine one, God zero.
J.D.: You don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?
Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and handbag.
Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to hell for it. That's a trauma two-fer.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Paige: Oh, wow. Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?
Dr. Cox: That's cold, sis. Ice cold. You know, I've been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.
Paige: Please, Perry, don't hold back.
Dr. Cox: It's not the God stuff. I've worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I I can't think about anything else.
Paige: It's hard for me too.
Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.
Paige: I'd love to see him turn three.
Dr. Cox: The major events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce and his funeral. The big four.


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