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‘My Cuz’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Cuz

816. My Cuz

Aired April 22, 2009

J.D. is uncomfortable when he learns that Kim is now dating Elliot's ex-boyfriend Sean. Meanwhile, Carla tells Turk to apply for the Chief of Surgery job, and Dr. Kelso checks in to the hospital with a stomach bug.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You know what sucks? I have to hire a new Chief or Surgery. And I just can't fathom giving any of you tiny-brained scalpel jockeys a leadership position. Honestly, so far, this is the only candidate who I'm seriously considering. The guy has the opposable thumbs so you automatically know he can handle the job. And, well, I was just thinking if you slap a diaper on him and maybe tape some glasses to his face, sure as shooting he'll look professional enough. Do you know what? I'm gonna call the gentleman.

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Quote from Janitor

Todd: So how's married life?
Janitor: You have to make compromises. Like my wife's allergic to raccoons, so I had to throw out my comforter.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Barista: Folks, I'm sorry but we have to close. Our pastry maker was just admitted to the hospital with a highly contagious intestinal virus.
Dr. Kelso: [finishing his fifth muffin] What the hell. I'm already in it.
[later:]
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I need to check myself in.
Nurse: For what?
Dr. Kelso: [vomits] For that.

Quote from Kim

Kim: So we've been dating about a month and I just didn't want to say anything until I knew it was gonna go somewhere.
Sean: Well, we hit a little speed bump when I first found out that Sam was your baby.
Kim: Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.
Sean: Yeah. She wouldn't, but...

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I heard you were looking for me.
Turk: Yes. I want officially put my name in for the Chief of Surgery.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] That's a good one.
Turk: Laugh all you want but I'm still getting that job. I know we don't always get along personally. But in my defense, it's because you're a huge jackass. I'm the best cutter in this place. And you know it.
Dr. Cox: When you put it that way, you compel me to consult with the decision committee. "Say, Perry? Yes, Perry. Listen, I was wondering. Can Dr. Turk here be the new Chief of Surgery? Well, I haven't hit the bottle yet today, so I'm not that drunk. The answer is no, not in this lifetime." Sorry there. I did everything possible. Strength.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Dr. Turk should be chief because he's skilled technically, super-efficient. He's got an awesome dong. He's great with laparoscopic procedures. Patients love him.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] What was that middle one?
Todd: Laparoscopic?

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: So, you are the best he could muster up?
Todd: Oh, no, I'm not the only one. We all want Turk.
[montage of various surgeons and nurses]
Dr. Cox: You want him to be the Chief of Surgery?
Janitor: That depends. Does he get a special chief hat, like a police chief?
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: Okay. If you give him the job, and I make him a hat, will you force him to wear it? I was thinking like an old-time scuba diver helmet. "Hello. You need a new colon."
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: Is that a maybe?

Quote from Elliot

Sean: What do you think the women are talking about?
J.D.: I'm not psychic, Sean. But they better not be all chummy, chatting about which one of us is better in bed.
Sean: They're women. They don't talk about that.
[meanwhile:]
Kim: J.D.'s better at sex. Sean's better at foreplay.
Elliot: J.D.'s great at foreplay. He just takes the "play" part literally so you've got to embrace all of his games. You know, his "Nooks and Crannies", "Upsy Daisies".
Kim: "Who's in There?", followed after by "What's in There?"
Elliot: "Mr. Peep Tries on Hats".
Kim: Love that one.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Look, we need to stop seeing each other as enemies. Sean, you and I have had sex with the same women. Therefore, we're wiener cousins. And where I come from, this right here... Stronger than family.
Sean: That's ridiculous.
J.D.: Oh, is it ridiculous, fellas?
[Snoop Dogg Attending and Dr. Beardfacé are locking finger]
J.D.: Nurse Roberts. Both of them. One night. May she rest in peace.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I'm so proud of you for working things out with Sean.
J.D.: What can I say? He's my wiener cuz.
Elliot: Kim and I are bajingo sisters.
J.D.: You always wanted one of those.
Elliot: I know!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] After a weekend with Sam, it's always sad driving him the 37 minutes back to Kim's house. Still, there was one positive. Elliot's a bit territorial. So if I got any physical contact from Kim.
Kim: Oh, your collar is messed up.
J.D.: [v.o.] On the way home, Elliot made me pull over for car sex. I know I shouldn't exploit her insecurities. But car sex really appeals to my exhibitionist side.
Elliot: Here we are. That bitch better watch her hands. Hi, Kim.
Kim: J.D., you have fuzz in your hair.
J.D.: [v.o.] I know. I put it there.

Quote from J.D.

Kim: I need to tell you guys something.
J.D.: [v.o.] It didn't matter what Kim had to say. Elliot was already in car sex mode.
Elliot: Yeah, to save time, I'll probably just take off my underwear here.
J.D.: Whatever is good for you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Nothing could stop this train.
Kim: Ta-da!
Elliot: Sean?
J.D.: [v.o.] You know, unless Kim was dating Elliot's stupid ex-boyfriend.
Sean: Hey, Elliot. J.D.
J.D.: Sean.

Quote from Carla

Turk: I'd be great at that job.
Carla: Then go for it.
Turk: Chief of Surgery?
Carla: Baby, one of the most amazing things about you is that when you want something badly enough, you always make it happen. Remember when you first started working here and I had no interest in dating you, what did you do?
Turk: I made it happen.
Carla: And what about when I had no interest in marrying you?
Turk: I made it happen.
Carla: Go make this happen.
Turk: I'm doing it. Even though you didn't use to like me, I'm your world now, right?
Carla: My whole word.
Turk: That's what I'm talking about.

Quote from Janitor

Todd: How was your honeymoon? Did you know that Kelso stayed in the Bahamas too?
[flashback to the Janitor and Lady sitting on the beach:]
Lady: I love you.
Janitor: I love you too. [they kiss]
Dr. Kelso: [sits up] Let's never leave.
[present:]
Janitor: Yeah, we saw him.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry. I was so blitzed with rum drinks I could barely remember where I was. I feel horrible.
Janitor: Oh no, stop it. At first, you were like the third wheel from hell, but then we made you do stuff. Made you pay for our meals. Got you in a couple bar fights. On the beach, we bet you you couldn't eat a starfish.
Dr. Kelso: And?
Janitor: I owe you a buck.
Dr. Kelso: So you had fun with it?
Janitor: Oh, yeah.
Dr. Kelso: Good.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: I just don't understand how you two even met. Did someone introduce you?
[Kim and Sean look at Elliot]
Elliot: I love you? Sweetie, it was over a year ago. You and I weren't even together. I figured at most they could end up friends.
Kim: Well, you also told me he was great in the sack.
Elliot: Kim, I will kill you.
J.D.: [gasps]
Elliot: He's not, sweetie. [mouths] You are.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: They're coming by for lunch so we can air everything outand get past all this weirdness.
J.D.: Sean's coming here? You don't realize how much it sucks to spend time with someone you used to sleep with.
Elliot: You used to sleep with Kim, and I have to see her every week.
J.D.: That's totally different.
Elliot: How?
J.D.: I don't know, Elliott. I'm not some genius that knows why things that seem the same are actually very different.
Elliot: Be crazier. Did you put on that cologne I hate to punish me?
J.D.: That's insane.
J.D.: [v.o.] Insanely true.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Now, I know I gave all of you 5-1 odds, but no one stitches an orange faster than me. No one. I am a god. Done.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: How are you feeling?
Dr. Kelso: Not great.But now, when I hurl, I've been trying to say the names of my favorite novels so that's fun. Look. I'm sure I just have an enterovirus, so order me 40 cc of...
Carla: No, you are not a doctor here anymore. You will not treat yourself. I'm sticking the interns on you.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, come on! [Sunny and Howie enter] Hi. What happened to your sleeve there, Tex?
Howie: I sewed on orange on to it.
Dr. Kelso: I'll take the foreigner.
Sunny: Yay, I'm so happy!

Quote from J.D.

Kim: I dropped Sam off at the daycare upstairs and they seemed really good with him, didn't they?
Sean: Yep, they were good. They were good. It was good group of people.
J.D.: Oh, good good.
Sean: Good things are good. So it's good.
J.D.: Stop saying "good", Sean. You sound like an ass.
Sean: You said it too. He said "good".
J.D.: No I didn't, Sean. Can you believe this guy?
Elliot: I need to talk to Kim. Let's divide up.
Kim: I vote yes.
Sean: You said "good".
J.D.: Nobody cares, Sean. Nobody cares.

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