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My Cake

‘My Cake’

Season 4, Episode 6 -  Aired October 12, 2004

After the death of his father, J.D. hopes Dr. Cox will come through for him when it's clear his brother, Dan (Tom Cavanagh), won't. Meanwhile, Turk refuses to visit a doctor despite feeling sick, and the Janitor plays mind games on Dr. Kelso.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Well, howdy, Dr. Kelso. Ain't she a beaut'? I rented her so I could repair the air conditioning unit.
Dr. Kelso: Looks expensive, who authorized it?
Janitor: Why, you did, sir. Must have been Tuesday last.
Dr. Kelso: Stop talking like a farmer. I did no such thing. Now, I'm not sure how one would go about making a janitor's life even more miserable, but what say we start by docking your pay for the cost of this monstrosity.


Quote from Dr. Cox

Dan: I gotta tell you little brother, you were always the apple of Dad's eye. You know, that's the worst thing about college football, the male cheerleaders. Ooh, God, that's a chick.
Dr. Cox: You know, when my father died, all I could focus on was how he was never there, but you- You're lucky, you've got some positive stuff you can dwell on. Throw the ball, Jackass.
Dan: He is a jackass.
Dr. Cox: I mean, I met your father, I remember it like it was yesterday. After about two seconds I could tell how proud he was of you.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I heard something I thought I'd never hear.
Dr. Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie. I'm proud of you.
Dan: Me too.

Quote from Ted

J.D.: [v.o.] Working at Sacred Heart, you grow accustomed to a lot of things. Sickness, death, Ted's morning self-affirmation ritual.
Ted: People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] One thing Turk couldn't get accustomed to was his wife being friends with a psychiatrist.
Carla: Babe, what do you want for lunch today?
Turk: Baby, please, not in front of her.
Dr. Molly Clock: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?
Turk: You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: [whistles]
J.D.: Oh, my God! I'm sorry about the "Wash Me!" thing.
Dr. Cox: Put that on.
J.D.: Dan? You were out with him? I thought you'd dissolved.
Dan: We decided this was the only way to do this without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Drink.
Dr. Cox: [turns football on] Now talk.
J.D.: What do you want me to talk about? The pros and cons of blitzing a weak-side quarter when you're in third-and-long situations?
J.D.: [v.o.] Thank you "Football for Dummies."

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Molly Clock: Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?
J.D.: I'll take this one.
[fantasy: Molly and Carla in Turk's head, which is decorated like a private room at strip club. There are posters for the Sugarhill Gang and Sanford & Son. The Sanford & Son theme song plays:]
Carla: Hey, welcome to Turk's head. You look really hot.
Dr. Molly Clock: Wait a second, you're not a lesbian.
Carla: I am in here.
Dr. Molly Clock: Yeah, me too.
J.D.: Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part.
Dr. Molly Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that together. [goes into kiss J.D.]
J.D.: Dammit!
Turk: Dude, relax and enjoy hot chocolate love. [goes into kiss J.D.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Snap out of it! Abort! Abort!
J.D.: Stop it! I don't have gay jungle fever!

Quote from Dan

Turk: Sorry, I had to blow out of there after the funeral, but how was the rest of the week?
J.D.: It was all right. We spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan: So, it looked like a giant marble penis. Which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "'Kay."
Elliot: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
Dr. Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Elliot: Which is?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Elliot: Sure.
Dr. Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Baby, look at you, please, go see our doctor.
Turk: I hate Dr. Kim. He always makes me take my pants off. Even that time I went in for pink eye.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Molly Clock: I'm sorry to barge in on you, but I'm a little rusty on the medicine side, and I was wondering if you could help me. See, I have this patient constantly tired, always peeing, losing weight.
Turk: You should have him checked out, he might have diabetes. ... Oh.
[cut to Turk in his underwear in the doctor's office:]
Dr. Kim: The good news is that it's Type II diabetes. It's still serious, but it's totally manageable.
Turk: Devil Woman gave me diabetes.

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