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40Quotes from ‘My Cake’

Scrubs: My Cake

406. My Cake

Aired October 12, 2004

After the death of his father, J.D. hopes Dr. Cox will come through for him when it's clear his brother, Dan (Tom Cavanagh), won't. Meanwhile, Turk refuses to visit a doctor despite feeling sick, and the Janitor plays mind games on Dr. Kelso.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Well, howdy, Dr. Kelso. Ain't she a beaut'? I rented her so I could repair the air conditioning unit.
Dr. Kelso: Looks expensive, who authorized it?
Janitor: Why, you did, sir. Must have been Tuesday last.
Dr. Kelso: Stop talking like a farmer. I did no such thing. Now, I'm not sure how one would go about making a janitor's life even more miserable, but what say we start by docking your pay for the cost of this monstrosity.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dan: I gotta tell you little brother, you were always the apple of Dad's eye. You know, that's the worst thing about college football, the male cheerleaders. Ooh, God, that's a chick.
Dr. Cox: You know, when my father died, all I could focus on was how he was never there, but you- You're lucky, you've got some positive stuff you can dwell on. Throw the ball, Jackass.
Dan: He is a jackass.
Dr. Cox: I mean, I met your father, I remember it like it was yesterday. After about two seconds I could tell how proud he was of you.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I heard something I thought I'd never hear.
Dr. Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie. I'm proud of you.
Dan: Me too.

Quote from Ted

J.D.: [v.o.] Working at Sacred Heart, you grow accustomed to a lot of things. Sickness, death, Ted's morning self-affirmation ritual.
Ted: People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] One thing Turk couldn't get accustomed to was his wife being friends with a psychiatrist.
Carla: Babe, what do you want for lunch today?
Turk: Baby, please, not in front of her.
Dr. Molly Clock: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?
Turk: You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: [whistles]
J.D.: Oh, my God! I'm sorry about the "Wash Me!" thing.
Dr. Cox: Put that on.
J.D.: Dan? You were out with him? I thought you'd dissolved.
Dan: We decided this was the only way to do this without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Drink.
Dr. Cox: [turns football on] Now talk.
J.D.: What do you want me to talk about? The pros and cons of blitzing a weak-side quarter when you're in third-and-long situations?
J.D.: [v.o.] Thank you "Football for Dummies."

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Molly Clock: Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?
J.D.: I'll take this one.
[fantasy: Molly and Carla in Turk's head, which is decorated like a private room at strip club. There are posters for the Sugarhill Gang and Sanford & Son. The Sanford & Son theme song plays:]
Carla: Hey, welcome to Turk's head. You look really hot.
Dr. Molly Clock: Wait a second, you're not a lesbian.
Carla: I am in here.
Dr. Molly Clock: Yeah, me too.
[flash-out:]
J.D.: Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part.
Dr. Molly Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that together. [goes into kiss J.D.]
[flash-out:]
J.D.: Dammit!
Turk: Dude, relax and enjoy hot chocolate love. [goes into kiss J.D.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Snap out of it! Abort! Abort!
[flash-out:]
J.D.: Stop it! I don't have gay jungle fever!

Quote from Dan

Turk: Sorry, I had to blow out of there after the funeral, but how was the rest of the week?
J.D.: It was all right. We spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan: So, it looked like a giant marble penis. Which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "'Kay."
Elliot: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
Dr. Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Elliot: Which is?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Elliot: Sure.
Dr. Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Baby, look at you, please, go see our doctor.
Turk: I hate Dr. Kim. He always makes me take my pants off. Even that time I went in for pink eye.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Molly Clock: I'm sorry to barge in on you, but I'm a little rusty on the medicine side, and I was wondering if you could help me. See, I have this patient constantly tired, always peeing, losing weight.
Turk: You should have him checked out, he might have diabetes. ... Oh.
[cut to Turk in his underwear in the doctor's office:]
Dr. Kim: The good news is that it's Type II diabetes. It's still serious, but it's totally manageable.
Turk: Devil Woman gave me diabetes.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Luckily for me, I had someone to lean on.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox, can I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Cox: Uh, no.
J.D.: Really? Not even just like two seconds to talk to me.
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie. [pager beeps] Oh, for God's sake. I'm a little swamped, here. Thank you.
J.D.: You know what sucks? I actually thought you were going to come through for me this time.
Dr. Cox: [pager beeps] In a minute! Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and pretty much doing everything shy of picking up your sundress from the dry cleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?
Dr. Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo! [claps, whistles] Bravo, ah!
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Cox: His dad just died. Dammit.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Why are you still antagonizing him!?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. I can't stop.
Elliot: I am warning you, you better come through for him.
Dr. Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?
Elliot: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.
Dr. Cox: Barbie you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so you're gonna have to do it.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.
Dr. Cox: H- Hold the phone. Are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit. I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: So now you're making fun of me because I need a little help getting through this?
Dr. Cox: No, I'm- I'm really trying.
J.D.: You know what, I am sick of getting dumped on, and I am sick of you. [shoves Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, don't shove me.
J.D.: Oh, really, why not? [shoves him again]
Dr. Cox: Because whenever anyone shoves me more than twice, my mind goes blank and all I see is this white-hot flash of fury.
J.D.: [shoves him again] When someone shoves you like this?
[later:]
Elliot: So, how'd it go?
Dr. Cox: Punched him in the face.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: What's the occasion?
Turk: I have type II diabetes.
J.D.: Really?
Turk: Yeah.
J.D.: That sucks. Carla is aware that if you eat that your foot will fall off, right?
Turk: Well, I haven't told her yet. But I'm pretty sure she knows,'cause right now she's trying to get me to 'fess up by tempting her Chocolatey Goodness with chocolatey goodness.
Carla: Babe, do you want some hot fudge sugar sauce?
Turk: Oh, hell yeah!

Quote from Dan

Dr. Cox: Hey, where's your brother?
Dan: J.D.! [silence] He's not here.
Dr. Cox: Look, Dan-
Dan: It's Captain Bubblebeard. Avast, matey! Shut yer scupper and bare yer steel, we should be seeing la- [Dr. Cox dunks Dan in the water]
Dr. Cox: Now you're Dan again. Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally-crippled narcissist and, he's got you, an emotionally-crippled narcissist who's soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together, together, Dan we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.
Dan: You're right, Coxy. Dammit, Coxsmith! Crybaby time is over! The kid needs us, and he needs us now, right? Towel. Thank you. Let's rock and roll! I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs.
Dr. Cox: Fantastic.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I want to apologize to you for that whole "Devil Woman" thing. I promise you, I will never call you that again.
Dr. Molly Clock: It's okay. I mean, I can understand why you're uncomfortable around me. I sometimes do see everyone as a patient.
Turk: You know, surgeons do that, too. C'mon, let's see who's better at it. Hip replacement.
Dr. Molly Clock: Alcoholic. That was easy.
Turk: Yeah. Quadruple bypass. Two on me!
Dr. Molly Clock: Constantly trying to validate herself so she'll sleep with anyone.
Charice: Hey, Turk.
Turk: What's up, Charice. Uh, but that, that was before Carla. So, what about me? Come on, you know you want to.
Dr. Molly Clock: Well, Carla calls you her "Superman," and you love that but diabetes makes you feel vulnerable, and you're afraid if you're open with her about it, then you won't be her Superman anymore.
Turk: Yeah. Devil Woman. Sorry.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

[Dr. Kelso and the Janitor are sitting on a benc]
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry I came down so hard on you. I've been a bit forgetful lately, and I suppose it's possible that I could have told you you could rent that crane.
[Dr. Kelso gets up and stands in front of the bench]
Janitor: Sir? Apology accepted.
[The bench starts to lift up with the Janitor still on it]
Janitor: Whoa, hey. Tommy! What are you doing?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Tommy's been let go. Have a nice weekend.
Janitor: You too, sir.

Quote from Carla

Turk: Baby, I got diabetes.
Carla: Oh no, Turk, really?
Turk: Carla.
Carla: I call this "Turk's Diabetes Box." Here is a recipe for sugar-free brownies. Mmm-mmm. Okay, here's a buncha articles I downloaded off the int-
Turk: Thank you.
Carla: You're welcome.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, sometimes it's not about the words it's just about having someone there to listen.
J.D.: And it's our dad, and he's ranting and raving because he's an office supply salesman and he can't find a paper clip in the entire house.
Dan: Meanwhile, he gets to work the next morning, and he realizes he's got a million of'em in the trunk of his car.
J.D.: The trunk was filled with boxes of 'em!
Dr. Cox: Here's to your dad. [they toast]

Quote from Turk

Turk: [talking in his sleep] It's nice to meet you too, Chuck.
Carla: Oh, he's having one of his Love Connection dreams.
Turk: You sure? I'd love to go out with her again if you'll pay for it.
Carla: Buppy.
Turk: [waking up] Uh? What?
Carla: We've been looking all over for you.
Turk: Why? What did I miss?
[flashback to Carla and Molly meeting Chuck Woolery:]
Chuck Woolery: Bye, Carla. I'm sorry I didn't get to meet your husband.
Carla: Oh, I know.
Dr. Molly Clock: So, Mr. Woolery: what have you been doing since The Love Connection was cancelled?
Chuck Woolery: Love Connection was never cancelled. It's just not on TV anymore. I still do the occasional episode in my basement with singles from the neighborhood. I'm not crazy.
Carla: No. [chuckles]
[present:]
Turk: Aww, stupid nap.


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