Janitor: Well, howdy, Dr. Kelso. Ain't she a beaut'? I rented her so I could repair the air conditioning unit.
Dr. Kelso: Looks expensive, who authorized it?
Janitor: Why, you did, sir. Must have been Tuesday last.
Dr. Kelso: Stop talking like a farmer. I did no such thing. Now, I'm not sure how one would go about making a janitor's life even more miserable, but what say we start by docking your pay for the cost of this monstrosity.

Dan: I gotta tell you little brother, you were always the apple of Dad's eye. You know, that's the worst thing about college football, the male cheerleaders. Ooh, God, that's a chick.
Dr. Cox: You know, when my father died, all I could focus on was how he was never there, but you- You're lucky, you've got some positive stuff you can dwell on. Throw the ball, Jackass.
Dan: He is a jackass.
Dr. Cox: I mean, I met your father, I remember it like it was yesterday. After about two seconds I could tell how proud he was of you.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I heard something I thought I'd never hear.
Dr. Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie. I'm proud of you.
Dan: Me too.

J.D.: [v.o.] Working at Sacred Heart, you grow accustomed to a lot of things. Sickness, death, Ted's morning self-affirmation ritual.
Ted: People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you. People are laughing with you.

J.D.: [v.o.] One thing Turk couldn't get accustomed to was his wife being friends with a psychiatrist.
Carla: Babe, what do you want for lunch today?
Turk: Baby, please, not in front of her.
Dr. Molly Clock: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?
Turk: You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.

Dr. Cox: [whistles]
J.D.: Oh, my God! I'm sorry about the "Wash Me!" thing.
Dr. Cox: Put that on.
J.D.: Dan? You were out with him? I thought you'd dissolved.
Dan: We decided this was the only way to do this without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Drink.
Dr. Cox: [turns football on] Now talk.
J.D.: What do you want me to talk about? The pros and cons of blitzing a weak-side quarter when you're in third-and-long situations?
J.D.: [v.o.] Thank you "Football for Dummies."

Dr. Molly Clock: Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?
J.D.: I'll take this one.
[fantasy: Molly and Carla in Turk's head, which is decorated like a private room at strip club. There are posters for the Sugarhill Gang and Sanford & Son. The Sanford & Son theme song plays:]
Carla: Hey, welcome to Turk's head. You look really hot.
Dr. Molly Clock: Wait a second, you're not a lesbian.
Carla: I am in here.
Dr. Molly Clock: Yeah, me too.
[flash-out:]
J.D.: Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part.
Dr. Molly Clock: I don't know, maybe we should work on that together. [goes into kiss J.D.]
[flash-out:]
J.D.: Dammit!
Turk: Dude, relax and enjoy hot chocolate love. [goes into kiss J.D.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Snap out of it! Abort! Abort!
[flash-out:]
J.D.: Stop it! I don't have gay jungle fever!

Turk: Sorry, I had to blow out of there after the funeral, but how was the rest of the week?
J.D.: It was all right. We spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan: So, it looked like a giant marble penis. Which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "'Kay."
Elliot: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?
Dr. Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Elliot: Which is?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Elliot: Sure.
Dr. Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part.

Carla: Baby, look at you, please, go see our doctor.
Turk: I hate Dr. Kim. He always makes me take my pants off. Even that time I went in for pink eye.

Dr. Molly Clock: I'm sorry to barge in on you, but I'm a little rusty on the medicine side, and I was wondering if you could help me. See, I have this patient constantly tired, always peeing, losing weight.
Turk: You should have him checked out, he might have diabetes. ... Oh.
[cut to Turk in his underwear in the doctor's office:]
Dr. Kim: The good news is that it's Type II diabetes. It's still serious, but it's totally manageable.
Turk: Devil Woman gave me diabetes.