Nurse Laverne Roberts Quotes Page 1 of 7

Quote from My Student

J.D.: Nurse Roberts, have you seen Josh?
Nurse Roberts: The tall skinny one? He quit.
Carla: Nice job, Bambi.
J.D.: I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't.
Nurse Roberts: You don't have to apologize to me. You will have to answer to Jesus.

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Quote from My Lucky Day

J.D.: Thanks for starting the Solumedrol on my TTP patient. I'm sorry I'm being such a pain about this guy. It's just Dr. Cox and I have this little competition going. And I know that probably seems insensitive to you-
Nurse Roberts: Sweetheart, you don't have to explain yourself to me. But you better get your story straight when you come face-to-face with Jesus.

Quote from My Tormented Mentor

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Kelso was having a little female trouble of his own.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control. Yesterday somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking. It's rude. And it makes no sense.
Nurse Roberts: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Carla: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Nurse Roberts: Other way around, sugar!

Quote from My Philosophy

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, are you off for the day?
Elliot: Oh, I just didn't have a place to change.
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I'm going to pretend you're not wearing that.
Nurse Roberts: Don't you usually wait to get home before you do that?

Quote from My Sacrificial Clam

J.D.: [v.o.] And I was having problems with my lady too.
Nurse Roberts: Can we get a move on, Q-Tip? I got tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk and I don't want to miss the noise.

Quote from My Dirty Secret

Carla: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Elliot: Really? Well, then, in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Carla: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Nurse Roberts: A little? Girl, please! If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.

Quote from My Boss' Free Haircut

Nurse Roberts: Junior, I don't know what you're doing in my area, but you better be looking for some bandages, cause you're gonna need them when I get through with you. Dr. Kelso, I didn't recognize you in scrubs.
Dr. Kelso: That's okay, Laverne. I didn't recognize you without your mini TV and your feet up.

Quote from My Therapeutic Month

Carla: Look, the point is, it's an adjustment. Get ready for some arguing.
Elliot: Not us. He doesn't even mind sleeping in separate rooms. Uh, living with a guy before marriage makes me feel whorey.
Nurse Roberts: You can live in separate states, but if you're doing the nasty before you get married, your ass is gonna burn.

Quote from My No Good Reason

Dr. Cox: That was a coincidence.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Cox: That knife! It just happened to go into the exact right spot. You do not get a win for dumb luck!
Nurse Roberts: Look, if that's the way you choose to see the world, then so be it. But don't you dare try to take this away from me! I've been coming in here every day for 24 years, watching children die and seeing good people suffer. And if I quit believing that there was a bigger plan behind all this, well, I would just not be able to show up tomorrow, so just stop it!
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry.
Nurse Roberts: It's okay. You'd be surprised how many bad things happen around here for a reason.
Dr. Cox: Well, I wish I could believe that.
Nurse Roberts: It was awful that Jordan had to have prenatal surgery, but how have you two been since then?
Dr. Cox: Better than ever.
Nurse Roberts: Good night.

Quote from My Two Dads

Turk: Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.
Elliot: Oh, my God. How does that stuff even get up there?
[montage:]
Man: I fell on it.
Woman: I fell on it.
Man: I fell on it.
Man: I was bored.
[present:]
Nurse Roberts: The doctors in the ER have a box where they keep all this junk.
Turk: Is that, like, next to the Lost and Found Box?
Nurse Roberts: Lost and Found box? There's no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box.

Quote from My Rule of Thumb

J.D.: Hey, Laverne, my girlfriend's coming by, would you mind giving her the keys to my apartment?
Nurse Roberts: You know, I shacked up with a man before I was married, too. His name was Jesus.

Quote from His Story

Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Well, just run one of the other nurses down here with some bedpans, please.
Woman: Laverne, why can't you do it?
Nurse Roberts: Because I've been here for 23 years and my feet hurt. That's why.

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