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‘My Perspective’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Perspective

609. My Perspective

Aired February 15, 2007

As J.D. deals with his break-up from Kim and struggles to find a place to live, he develops vasovagal syncope. After J.D. gets in trouble with his neighbors and the police, his friends finally tire of having to hear about his problems. Meanwhile, Turk ignores Dr. Kelso's advice not to be too honest with patients, and the Janitor goes on vacation.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Look, J.D., we all have low moments in our lives. I mean, in high school I had this amazing teacher, Mr. Higgins, and he was funny, and inspiring. I mean, he was like a second father to me. And then, one day I found out that he was sleeping with his students, and I was crushed. I mean, why not me? You know, and it wasn't my lazy eye, because that was fixed by prom. Anyway, eventually I realized that your troubles don't seem so bad if you just stop talking about them all the time.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: I can't lie to a patient 'cause Dr. Kelso wants me to.
Dr. Cox: See that guy in there? He has pancreatic cancer. Now, you and I both know he's a goner. But if he was to come out here and ask if he has hope, what am I supposed to say? "No"?
Turk: So you're saying I should lie?
Dr. Cox: Of course not. See... See that guy over there? Now, the only way he's ever gonna walk again is if he goes through years of painful physical therapy, but if he was to come over here and ask me "Is it gonna be hard?", I'd tell him "Damn skippy, it's gonna be hard!". Gandhi, you've got to tell your patients the truth. Now is that brain of yours starting to hurt? It should, because it's not as large as a normal size brain. Listen carefully: Kelso lies selfishly and indiscriminately. You, you gotta draw your own lie. This is half an Ibuprofen. It is the perfect dose for your pea-size brain. Take it after I leave, you'll save yourself the embarrassment.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey. Have fun the next couple days, I'm going on vacation.
J.D.: And you're taking a mop?
Janitor: Yeah, it's a custodial cruise. Pretty cool, huh? Check this out. It's really a great package for guys like me.
Guests have the option of cleaning their own rooms. Where else you gonna get that? There's a shuffleboard with little urinal cakes, instead of the discs. That's funny! No way! Special appearance by Pat Harrington, Schneider from One Day at A Time Ha-ha! He's gonna be there signing work boots!
J.D.: There going to be any chicks there?
Janitor: No maids allowed. You know how janitors feel about maids.
J.D.: I do now.
Janitor: Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get 20 bucks from me to tape you to the ceiling of the cafeteria, tomorrow. And I'm telling you this because I figure you're already zoned out and stopped listening to me, am I right?
J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know what the janitor had said, but I feel like things are looking up. He's leaving. Plus, I have friends who are more than happy to be there for me.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Brown bear, thanks for spending much time with me lately. I just feel my whole life's in the crapper.
Turk: Nah, man, you'll turn this around.
J.D.: There goes Buzz and Donna, off to the marriage counselor. Buzz feels inadequate because he lost his job at Foot Locker. Now he's dingle on one work.
Turk: I should not have given you the spy equipment for your birthday.
J.D.: Are you kidding me? I need it, so I know when I can sneak over and use the can. And by the way, I'm using the front bathroom now, because it has a hook on the door so I can hang up my pants.
Turk: Hah! You finally started listening to me?
J.D.: You're right, my friend. Man is the only animal that wears pants during twosies.
Turk: It's so unnatural.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: [smiling] Newbie's test result came back. He's got vasovagal syncope.
Carla: And that makes you happy?
Dr. Cox: If he's vigorously valsalvic, he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. Carla, he'll pass out when he poops! [laughs]
[elsewhere, Buzz and Donna stand over a trouser-less J.D. who passed out on their bathroom floor:]
J.D.: Buzz, Donna, how was counseling? Would one of you mind handing me my chinos? [whispers] Turk, I need help.
[On J.D.'s half-acre, Turk uses the spy equipment:]
Turk: Buzz is mad!

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Hiya, my name is Bob Kelso and I like whores. Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Now, you take Dorian's intern, Brandon, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?
J.D.: Ah, well, uh, she- she started to hyperventilate a-a-and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned to be a helium container from pediatrics, then she screamed, [high-pitched] "I'll kill you bitches!" Which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped, and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted: Girlfriend's gonna get paid!

Quote from Elliot

Turk: Okay, I've been taking care of J.D. all week. It's now up to one of you guys. Go ahead, honey, use your new go-to-excuse.
Carla: I can't. I have a baby.
Elliot: Hey, i have responsibilities, too, ok? I mean, Keith and I are still in a stage of our relationship where I don't hate having sex with him, and I would like to keep that going.
Turk: Elliot, I spent the last ten years getting J.D. through breakups and emotional spirals.
Elliot: I had to have sex with him, you ever have to do that?
Nurse Roberts: Well, I'll say y'all step outside and handle this like we used to, back in my day.
Elliot: Muskets?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know what else sucks about my life? Now even my neighbors are screwing my head.
[flashback to a police officer walking up to J.D.'s deck:]
Police Officer: You called about a wolf?
J.D.: A wolf? No.
Police Officer: Someone called 911 on that phone claiming there's a wolf in this yard.
J.D.: This has "Buzz" written all over it. He's upset with me, but he won't talk about it because his peep won't perform.
Buzz: He pooped in our house!
[present:]
J.D.: I don't know why he can't get past that.

Quote from Todd

Turk: What the hell is "TheToddTime.com"?
Todd: Log on and thank me later. Cyber-five! [they high-five] Sent!

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] And yeah, my life was still in the crapper, but it felt good to finally deal with it on my own.
Janitor: Okay, he bought the fake cruise. If he calls the cops now, nobody's coming. Time for phase three of Operation Boy Who Cried Wolf. Now, Jason, we've worked on this all week, right? Here's what you're thinking: I'm lost in the city. I'm hungry! And this is the guy who killed my mom with a snow-mobile! [wolf howls] Make me believe it. Go! [The Janitor screams as the wolf attacks him] Bad wolfie! Bad wolfie! Not in the face! Not in the face! Wrong guy!
J.D.: [v.o.] Yeah, things were finally looking up.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm such a total loser. My girlfriend and I broke up, I live in a tent. Plus, I feel sick enough to actually get checked out, and guess who's on call?
Dr. Cox: It doesn't look right.
J.D.: What? What is it?
Dr. Cox: You have a penis. Or that's what I think it is.
J.D.: It's a penis.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] I wasn't the only one suffering. Turk's intern, Milos, was driving him nuts. See, Milos was already an accomplished surgeon in his war-torn homeland, but he still had to re-do his residency here.
Turk: Okay, everyone, let's take a look at that subcuticular stitch on Mr. Roth's chest. That is beautiful. We could all learn from whatever attending did that.
Milos: It was me. Would you like to take break? I finish taking frightened bunnies on rounds.
Turk: No, Milos, I would not like to take a break! I'm absolutely fine right here, thank you!
Milos: Okay, fine.
Turk: You know what? Everyone head down observation and check on Mr. Foley's arm reattachment. [everyone but Milos leaves] What? You don't think you can learn from seeing an actual arm reattachment, Milos?
Milos: I reattach child's arm once in rusty shell of car. I can still see their bodies that littered streets as my country burned to ground.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Milos is so lucky.
Carla: Turk, you're the only one in the world who would think that!
[later:]
J.D.: Milos is so lucky.
Turk: That's what I'm saying!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Well, I read up on vasovagal syncope. To treat it I have to work on reducing my stress. At least Buzz agreed not to call the cops if I don't tell all the other neighbors Donna's barren.
Turk: Damn, dude, you've got it pretty rough.
J.D.: You hear that, everybody? I do have it rough, and that's coming from a man who knows a teensy bit about adversity. And why is that, Turk?
Turk: Because I'm black.
J.D.: No, because you have diabetes. What's hard about being black?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: So you called this meeting to say we should lie more?
Dr. Cox: Sorry about that, Bobbo, but I'm gonna go and tell the truth whenever I damn will, please. For instance, your tie. It's hideous. In fact, its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of your man-girdle.
Dr. Kelso: Too mean.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: [over bullhorn] Bedpan race!
Turk: Put your bedpans on, Elliot.
Elliot: I thought we were carrying them.
Turk: Put 'em on!
Carla: Last one down gets to take care of J.D. Ready? Go!

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: I'm totally excited to be here, buddy. Let's start talking about your life.
J.D.: Okay, first I have to go to the bathroom. Do me a favor? Tie this string around your wrist. If you feel it tug, that means I'm down. Run in and check on me.

Quote from Turk

Brian: How is Izzy doing?
Turk: Wow, look at you remembering my daughter's name. I'm telling you, your short term memory is getting better.
Brian: No, I had the nurses write some stuff down. You see, apparently, I like bananas. And, whoa, I'm getting more surgery tomorrow?
Turk: You have a small bowel obstruction. Basically, the shrapnel in your stomach has caused scar tissue to form.
Brian: In Iraq, we prefer to think of shrapnel as internal body bling.
Turk: Wow, then bling bling.

Quote from Turk

Brian: So, hmm, have any of your patients ever died from this procedure?
Turk: Oh, yeah a couple of years ago. A guy had a bad reaction to anesthesia, but that's not gonna happen to you. You know what? We should have a nurse write that down.
Brian: I like bananas?
Dr. Kelso: [ghostly voiuce] You shouldn't have told him the truth... uth, uth, uth uth, uth, uth.
Turk: Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: uth.
Turk: You can "uth" all you want, but I'm not gonna B.S. Brian.

Quote from Elliot

[As Elliot holds a glass of beer, somebody tugs on the string tied to her wrist, spilling beer all over her chest]
Elliot: Whoever has the other end of this string, that's not funny! Wow, my boobs do look good when they're wet, don't they?
J.D.: Yeah, they do.

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