Janitor: So, I'm late 'cause Dorian parked his scooter behind my new van. I practically punctured a tire backing over the thing. Kid drives me crazy.
Dr. Cox: A new van, huh?
Janitor: Well, you blew up the old one over a bet. Remember?
Dr. Cox: Right. Dorian drives me crazy too. But what are you going to do about it?
[later, Dr. Cox and the Janitor watch J.D. as he sleeps in his apartment:]
Janitor: I stole this from his locker. I come by here a couple times a week and just move stuff around. Turn off his alarm. Maybe cut his bangs.
Dr. Cox: You're clearly in need of help, but gosh darn it, I'm not gonna give it to ya.

Dr. Cox: [laughing] You're right. But, you know... You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
Janitor: Oh, actually, that's my fault. I filled his hairspray can with dog sweat.
Dr. Cox: Dogs don't sweat.
Janitor: No?
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: What the hell am I putting in there?

Dr. Cox: I'm- I'm actually saving that for someone.
Elderly Woman: That's not allowed.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Say, that's a real nice pantsuit you have there.
Elderly Woman: Oh, well, thank you. It's 40 percent off.
Dr. Cox: Let's say you swing by my place and see if we can't get it 100 percent off?
[The woman walks away in disgust]
Dr. Cox: Had to be done.
Janitor: Thanks, chief. I've got your next one.

Elliot: Todd! Gun show!
Todd: [to a passing woman] Don't worry, Mam. I've got permits for these. Go ahead and touch 'em. The safety's on. Oof!

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, young Keith had become competent so quickly that every word out of his chiseled mouth came tainted with an arrogant smugness that he couldn't hide no matter how hard he tried.
Keith: Is there anything else I can do?
J.D.: [v.o.] Right on cue.
J.D.: No, Keith. All I need right now is a sip of your coffee to make me feel warm in my belly.
J.D.: Oh! Keith! Look what you did!
Keith: Here! Dr. Dorian, take my shirt.
J.D.: You think you're better than me? With your rock-hard abs and your dynamite areoles. Well, you're not.
[All the interns gasp]
Jason: Dr. D., what's on your back?
J.D.: Those, Jason, are the panicked scratches of the adolescent raccoon who, until animal control can get into my home, is currently residing in my sock drawer.

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though you'd think we'd all be used to this kind of stuff by now, when a patient's been around for a while, it gets to everyone. No matter how long you've been here.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, you're a surgeon. When did you ever deal with Mrs. Wilk?
[flashback to Mrs. Wilk teaching Turk how to dance:]
Mrs. Wilk: You're not extending your arm. It's called pop and lock, Christopher. Not pop and dangle.
Turk: OK. Oh. OK.
Mrs. Wilk: You're getting it now, baby.
Turk: OK. I'll see you later.
Mrs. Wilk: Go Michael! Go Michael!
[present:]
Turk: She changed my life.

Dr. Cox: One rule. No yapping. The only thing I want to hear is the sound of my liver drunkenly singing rugby songs.
Janitor: Calm down. I'm not even here. Seriously, my shift at the hospital doesn't end for three hours. I hate that place and everyone in it.
Dr. Cox: I'll drink to hate.
Janitor: Cheers.

Turk: Dude, you're surrounded by female interns who'd do anything to get with the big, bad attending. Make a booty call.
Carla: He's right. People have been making booty calls since the dawn of time.
[fantasy: J.D., as a cave man, wakes up next to a woman and tries to sneak out of the cave:]
Woman: Kronk, why you go now?
J.D.: Oh! Hey. You're up. Um... Look. I don't know what you're looking for, but I just got out of a really tough relationship with this girl, Debbie. Also, my sister was carried off by a giant bird so we've all been in mourning about that. And, um, my brother ate my foot. But you are just fantastic. The things you were doing last night, they were, well, crazy. OK? So when I clear my own stuff up, I'd love to maybe get back together with you.
Woman: Hungry.
J.D.: OK, I should really go.

J.D.: You know what? I'll do it. If my partner-in-crime here'll join me.
Elliot: J.D., booty calls are pathetic.
Carla: More pathetic than e-mailing your high school boyfriend to see if his marriage is holding up? Hello?
[Carla and Turk high-five]
Turk: Black hand side.
Elliot: Carla, Mike Gorski wrote "keep in touch" in my yearbook and that's all I'm doing, okay? Yes, he did say that his wife Carol is his soul mate and yes, they have adorable twins, but he also said that he wished she knew how to ski, so let's just see if they're together come winter. Yes, J.D., I will do this with you.

Dr. Cox: Are you crazy? Why would you want your wife in the gym?
Turk: Because unlike you, I don't hate my wife.
Dr. Cox: Yet. You don't hate your wife yet. But think about it, huh? You go to work, she's there. You go out, she's there. And when you go home, where is she?
Turk: There?
Dr. Cox: Ding. Women are everywhere. Except for the gym. That's why it's such a magical place. Don't ruin that.
Don't be that guy. Come on. You're so much more than that. [whispering] I'm begging you.