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41Quotes from ‘My Buddy's Booty’

Scrubs: My Buddy's Booty

511. My Buddy's Booty

Aired February 28, 2006

Dr. Cox and J.D. have to put their favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk, in a medically-induced coma for a week. Over the course of the week, arguments break out between the hospital staff as J.D. and Elliot decide to relieve their stress with "booty calls" from their interns, Carla asks Turk to petition Dr. Kelso to add equipment for women to the hospital gym, and Dr. Cox and the Janitor bond at a bar.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: So, I'm late 'cause Dorian parked his scooter behind my new van. I practically punctured a tire backing over the thing. Kid drives me crazy.
Dr. Cox: A new van, huh?
Janitor: Well, you blew up the old one over a bet. Remember?
Dr. Cox: Right. Dorian drives me crazy too. But what are you going to do about it?
[later, Dr. Cox and the Janitor watch J.D. as he sleeps in his apartment:]
Janitor: I stole this from his locker. I come by here a couple times a week and just move stuff around. Turn off his alarm. Maybe cut his bangs.
Dr. Cox: You're clearly in need of help, but gosh darn it, I'm not gonna give it to ya.

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Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: [laughing] You're right. But, you know... You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
Janitor: Oh, actually, that's my fault. I filled his hairspray can with dog sweat.
Dr. Cox: Dogs don't sweat.
Janitor: No?
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: What the hell am I putting in there?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I'm- I'm actually saving that for someone.
Elderly Woman: That's not allowed.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Say, that's a real nice pantsuit you have there.
Elderly Woman: Oh, well, thank you. It's 40 percent off.
Dr. Cox: Let's say you swing by my place and see if we can't get it 100 percent off?
[The woman walks away in disgust]
Dr. Cox: Had to be done.
Janitor: Thanks, chief. I've got your next one.

Quote from Todd

Elliot: Todd! Gun show!
Todd: [to a passing woman] Don't worry, Mam. I've got permits for these. Go ahead and touch 'em. The safety's on. Oof!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, young Keith had become competent so quickly that every word out of his chiseled mouth came tainted with an arrogant smugness that he couldn't hide no matter how hard he tried.
Keith: Is there anything else I can do?
J.D.: [v.o.] Right on cue.
J.D.: No, Keith. All I need right now is a sip of your coffee to make me feel warm in my belly.
J.D.: Oh! Keith! Look what you did!
Keith: Here! Dr. Dorian, take my shirt.
J.D.: You think you're better than me? With your rock-hard abs and your dynamite areoles. Well, you're not.
[All the interns gasp]
Jason: Dr. D., what's on your back?
J.D.: Those, Jason, are the panicked scratches of the adolescent raccoon who, until animal control can get into my home, is currently residing in my sock drawer.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Even though you'd think we'd all be used to this kind of stuff by now, when a patient's been around for a while, it gets to everyone. No matter how long you've been here.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, you're a surgeon. When did you ever deal with Mrs. Wilk?
[flashback to Mrs. Wilk teaching Turk how to dance:]
Mrs. Wilk: You're not extending your arm. It's called pop and lock, Christopher. Not pop and dangle.
Turk: OK. Oh. OK.
Mrs. Wilk: You're getting it now, baby.
Turk: OK. I'll see you later.
Mrs. Wilk: Go Michael! Go Michael!
[present:]
Turk: She changed my life.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: One rule. No yapping. The only thing I want to hear is the sound of my liver drunkenly singing rugby songs.
Janitor: Calm down. I'm not even here. Seriously, my shift at the hospital doesn't end for three hours. I hate that place and everyone in it.
Dr. Cox: I'll drink to hate.
Janitor: Cheers.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Dude, you're surrounded by female interns who'd do anything to get with the big, bad attending. Make a booty call.
Carla: He's right. People have been making booty calls since the dawn of time.
[fantasy: J.D., as a cave man, wakes up next to a woman and tries to sneak out of the cave:]
Woman: Kronk, why you go now?
J.D.: Oh! Hey. You're up. Um... Look. I don't know what you're looking for, but I just got out of a really tough relationship with this girl, Debbie. Also, my sister was carried off by a giant bird so we've all been in mourning about that. And, um, my brother ate my foot. But you are just fantastic. The things you were doing last night, they were, well, crazy. OK? So when I clear my own stuff up, I'd love to maybe get back together with you.
Woman: Hungry.
J.D.: OK, I should really go.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: You know what? I'll do it. If my partner-in-crime here'll join me.
Elliot: J.D., booty calls are pathetic.
Carla: More pathetic than e-mailing your high school boyfriend to see if his marriage is holding up? Hello?
[Carla and Turk high-five]
Turk: Black hand side.
Elliot: Carla, Mike Gorski wrote "keep in touch" in my yearbook and that's all I'm doing, okay? Yes, he did say that his wife Carol is his soul mate and yes, they have adorable twins, but he also said that he wished she knew how to ski, so let's just see if they're together come winter. Yes, J.D., I will do this with you.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Are you crazy? Why would you want your wife in the gym?
Turk: Because unlike you, I don't hate my wife.
Dr. Cox: Yet. You don't hate your wife yet. But think about it, huh? You go to work, she's there. You go out, she's there. And when you go home, where is she?
Turk: There?
Dr. Cox: Ding. Women are everywhere. Except for the gym. That's why it's such a magical place. Don't ruin that.
Don't be that guy. Come on. You're so much more than that. [whispering] I'm begging you.

Quote from Janitor

[As Dr. Cox and the Janitor watch J.D. sleep:]
Dr. Cox: How sound a sleeper you think he is?
Janitor: Well, watch this. [kicks bed]
J.D.: [sits up, still alseep] Why?
Janitor: So, what now?
[J.D.'s bed is in the parking lot outside the hospital, in front of an ambulance with its sirens blaring:]
J.D.: [screams] Naked. Excellent. Who took my emerald?
J.D.: [v.o.] After paying the Janitor the unreasonable sum of $90 to move my bed back home...
[flashback to the Janitor counting his cash as J.D.'s bed burns in the parking lot]

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: ... Elliot and I decided to round up our interns so we could pick out our respective booty calls. Welcome to Fuglyville.
Elliot: J.D., I really don't want to do this. Can't we just go home and put on our PJ's and watch Grey's Anatomy?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV.
Elliot: Yeah.
J.D.: Hmm.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Carla listened at the door while I was helping Turk ask for gym equipment.
Dr. Kelso: What do you want?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then Turk lied.
Turk: Sir, we're here on behalf of Dr. Bianca. You know, the albino radiologist?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, Jim! Who'd he get pregnant this time? I tell you, the ladies cannot resist that ivory rascal.
Turk: Sir, Jim is demanding that he gets new equipment in his lab.
Dr. Kelso: Demanding?
[Carla moves out of the way as Dr. Kelso opens his door to let J.D. and Turk out:]
Dr. Kelso: There is no way in hell that Jim is getting new equipment!
Turk: Sorry, baby. I tried.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: J.D., I can explain.
J.D.: Oh, you did it twice. [holds up two condom wrappers] All righty. Somebody's a stud. We got a stud alert in here! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! [holds up dozens of condom wrappers] OK, this is just mathematically impossible.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: "El Toro Grande"? I'm not familiar with this brand.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Oh. Hey, bud. Check out my new mop bling. Bling! It's cool. I cleaned it.
Dr. Cox: Oh, so what? Now we're pals again? I've got to be honest with you. I'm a little confused there, Sasquatch.
Janitor: I got a rep to protect, OK? I'm sort of seen as the king of working folks. If they catch me hobnobbing with a doctor-type, well suffice it to say I won't get my cut of prosthetics we looted from the storage room.
Dr. Cox: How's that?
Janitor: We sell feet to college kids for $500. Apparently, they smoke something out of them.
Dr. Cox: Let me get this straight. You are embarrassed to be seen with me?
Janitor: At the hospital. At the bar we can hang out all we want. You rich, yacht-owning punk! You think- They're gone. It's cool. See you at the bar.


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