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36Quotes from ‘My House’

Scrubs: My House

604. My House

Aired January 4, 2007

The hospital starts to feel like a TV show when Dr. Cox sets about solving a trio of puzzling mysteries. Dr. Cox and Turk try to get to the root of the problem when they find a man with orange skin. J.D. has a young patient with inexplicable heart failure. Elliot is mad at J.D. and Turk after starting her private practice job, while Dr. Kelso gives her the silent treatment.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Alright, who can tell me anything about Mr. Pierce?
Keith: He uses an oil heater at his house in New Hampshire.
Dr. Cox: That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid. Either way, I'm whacking you with my clipboard. Brace yourself.
Keith: Wait. He's hypoxic, with a clear chest x-ray, which can be a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning. I learned that watching House.
Lisa: House is a genius.
Dr. Cox: That's it, I'm whacking both of you. Look, I know you all curl up on your futons at night dreaming of cracking a real life medical mystery so that some doctor/supermodel will want to touch your eruption button. But, here's the bad news, this isn't a TV show. there aren't any cameras over here. Real medical mysteries don't happen every week and doctors damn sure don't look like models. They look like Rex.
Rex: What?
Dr. Cox: Chin up, you ugly bastard. So if you wanna solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my New York Times every Sunday. Or better yet how about why anybody on the planet actually thinks Dane Cook is funny. As far as Mr. Pierce goes, he has run-of-the-mill pulmonary embolism and I know, I know it is a boring medical diagnosis. But that's what hospitals are. Boring.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye.
Elliot: Why? I'll still be working here.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, but you won't be working for Sacred Heart, the place that spent a fortune training you only to have you take off for greener pastures. You're like a prostitute that gets paid upfront and then bolts from the restaurant after dinner. It's about common courtesy, Reid, either to your boss or to a kind-hearted john who's given you a lot business over the years. So goodbye, Miss Mei Ling of Gentle Oriental Escort, and goodbye, Dr. Reid. I won't be speaking to either of you ever again.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: You usually have to go to a van convention to see art of this quality. You do.
Janitor: I've got to confess though, I cheated a little bit. I used an actual head from the morgue as a model. Be careful, it's actually around here somewhere.
[The Janitor knocks a paint can, which lands on Dr. Cox's foot, sending him crashing to the ground]
Dr. Cox: [groans] I think I heard something break.
Janitor: Here we go. [gives business car]
Dr. Cox: Podiatrist?!?
Janitor: I also buy and sell feet, so anyway you wanna go, I got you covered.
Dr. Cox: Great.
[Dr. Cox notices yellow and red paint mixing together]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Hey, Elliot, are you gonna finish that muffin? Why are you so pissy with us?
J.D.: Why is Sarah dying?
Carla: Why is that guy orange?
J.D.: [v.o.] Around here, sometimes you do wish it was more like TV. And a bigger than life character like House would just show up and conveniently solve everything.
[Dr. Cox walks into the coffee house with the aid of a cane:]
Dr. Cox: Ah, yes, the huddled masses. Carla! I see you're trying one of this establishment disgusting new tomato muffins. Do you know who else just loved tomatoes? Our little orange friends, Mr. Mehleison. As you correctly pointed out, the only thing he loved more than tomatoes are carrots. And if carrots turn you yellow and tomato turn you red, what color would he most likely turn if he would have gorge himself on both those items.
Carla: Orange.
Dr. Cox: Correct.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: And Gandhi, I understand that you are confused as to why Private Practice Barbie has a beef with you and your scrawny little life partner.
Dr. Kelso: Kelso is the one being a jerk, not us.
Dr. Cox: Yes, but even though that horny old raisin is acting like an ass, in doing so, he's actually acknowledging that she's ready to move on professionally. Guess who hasn't acknowledged that?
[flashback:]
Turk: Nothing's gonna change but your lab coat.
[present:]
Elliot: He's right. I mean lately all this great stuff has been happen to you guys. You're settling down and having a baby.
Dr. Cox: Dear god, Barbie, we get the point. This would roughly be my time.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Now, Newbie, as far as your patient is concerned. Takosubo cardiomyopathy, ever heard of it?
J.D.: I haven't.
Dr. Cox: Takosubo cardiomyopathy, also known as "Broken Heart Syndrome", is when a severe emotional trauma triggers a weakening of the heart muscle. On her chart, you indicate that she was single, yet I noticed that she was still wearing her wedding ring. Turns out her husband had just died and she wasn't ready to take the ring off yet. I'm betting that her grief over his passing is what cause her heart failure. And no, no, I'm not Superman, I'm just Dr. Cox. Thanks for the coffee.
[a musical interlude similar to the House theme plays]

Quote from J.D.

Turk: So you're really cool if Kim decides to take this job?
J.D.: Hell no, man. She's gonna be all the way in Washington. And phone sex is out of the question because I'm a righty when I talk on the phone but I'm also a righty when I'm teaching mini J.D. who daddy is.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Headrick: She's gonna need a lot more counselling, but we'll get her there. Well, not "we" so much as "me". I mean, your part the bungling of the diagnosis is done.
J.D.: I can't believe you can have a heart failure just from being sad. I mean, how are you supposed to treat that?
[fantasy:]
J.D.: He's coding, get me box of kittens, stat.
[When J.D. drops a box of kittens on the patient, he miraculously wakes up:]
J.D.: Possible side effects of kittens include: sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction.
[reality:]
J.D.: Wouldn't I be a great spoke person for things.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Speaking of new jobs, I wasn't thrilled that my pregnant girlfriend was offered a research grant in Tacoma. On the upside, I could give her dramatic "don't go" kisses whenever I felt like it.
Kim: Oh, that was hot, stud. But I think it's just my leg that supposed to be up.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Hey, there's that baby you stole.
Turk: I kinda miss the little cutie. We really bonded.
J.D.: Oh, come on, that kid doesn't remember you.
[Turk pounds his chest and does the "peace" sign at the baby. The baby repeats the gesture]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I wanted to give you your paycheck in person, so you can hand it back to me to pay your bill.
Turk: Why you don't just hold on to that sir.
Dr. Kelso: That's not how it works. Now, I'm going to hand it to you, I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me.
Turk: [sighs]
Dr. Kelso: Splendid. Nurse Espinosa, Mi hospital es tu hospital.
Carla: No problemo, chiefo.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Nice new digs. Looks like you could use a new coat of paint, though. If you're interested...
[The Janitor hands Elliot a business card which reads "PAINTER CALL JANITOR"]
Elliot: Thank you. Now, I just gotta find someone to replace this rug.
Janitor: Air traffic controller, gemologist, captain of industry, middle reliever, ruggist. I invented a machine that prints business cards.
Elliot: That's already been invented.
Janitor: Oh, yeah, I know. But mine also fires paint pellets. How about it? Observe. [shoots, misses J.D.] Curved off to the left. That was working great yesterday at the zoo.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, Sarah, how are you? I'm Dr. Dorian. Look you were in and out of consciousness when they brought you in. Do you have any family you want us to contact?
Sarah: No, it's just me and my dog Charlie. You can try him but he rarely answers his cell.
J.D.: What's Charlie's cellphone number? 1-800-CATS-R-LAME? Okay. Other that the obvious loss of sense of humor, I understand you've been having palpitation and shortness of breath. We'll run some tests and see what's happening.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, I got you something. It's a star. You can get them of this website. I named it after you.
Kim: That so sweet.
J.D.: Unfortunately, "Kim" was taken, so I tried "Kim" with 2 m's , "Kim" with 3 m's, "Kim-1", "Kim-2".
Kim: What's it called?
J.D.: FreckleFart90.
Kim: Oh, for freckle on my ass, my lactose intolerance and the fact that I graduated high school in 1990.
J.D.: Yes.
J.D.: [v.o.] That was so lucky.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Ok, it's Carla, I can't get her out of here and she listens to you, so I was think...
Dr. Cox: Say no more.
[later, Dr. Cox talks to Carla in her hospital bed:]
Dr. Cox: You know yelling at those intern made me realize how monotonous it is facing the same disease day after day. And that no matter what I do to entertain myself, I'm still bored. Whether it's reading the paper or shaving the side burns off of a resident because his license plate says "PARTY DOC".
Turk: By my calculation that rant just cost me $27.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, Dr. Kelso, what radiologist is on call today? Oh, right, the silent treatment. Well, unfortunately for you, the Reid family has been giving each other the silent treatment for generations. This one time my dad wasn't talking to my mom because she stopped boffing the gardener right at the height of weed season. I know, she wasn't thinking. Anywho, she finally broke him down with the little ditty. Nobody can hear it without chiming in. [clears throat, sings] Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop. Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly..."
Ted's band: Lolly pop.
Elliot: He was about to crack, Ted! What the hell?
Ted's band: Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Mr. Mehleison might be a vegetarian. He's always eating carrots.
Dr. Cox: But carotene, like jaundice, turns you yellow. Just like certain blood disorders turn you blue and tomatoes can turn you red. Sadly, there isn't anything on God's green earth that turns you orange.
Turk: Maybe he got freaky with some cheetos.
Dr. Cox: Swing and a miss, Webster.
Keith: Maybe he used some fake-tan cream. Used it once, turn me orange all over.
Dr. Cox: There were no foreign substances found on his skin. But kudos, Keith, on finally outing yourself.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Elliot, I can't get Carla leave this place.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't really give a rats doo-doo maker.
Turk: Why does she hate me?
Dr. Cox: Don't say "hate", Gandhi. You kids throw that word around so much it's lost all of its meaning. Now, I have to find a word stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others. Hmm... [elongated hum] I mega-loathe you all. Good day.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Kim's leaving the pack and I still got no plan to make her stay, it's go time. Just say the first thing that pops into your head.
Kim: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: I'm rich. You don't have to take that job.
Kim: Uh, you're not rich.
J.D.: Oh, yes, I am Kim. And this right here, is my dope-ass Mercedes. [sits uncomfortably on the car] I didn't want to tell you 'cause I wanted you to like me for me.
Kim: You're an idiot, J.D.
J.D.: Am I Kim? [the car drives off] Dr. Tabiti, Dr. Tabiti, I'm on the car. Larry! Larry, I'm on the car!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] The best part of a great mystery is its resolution. Whether you finally realize what your friend was looking for.
Turk: So tell me about your new job.
Elliot: It's amazing.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or just figuring out why a guy was orange.
Orange Man: Am I ever gonna look normal again?
Dr. Cox: Oh, sure. Sure. As long as you cut back on your vegetables. Maybe, you know, buy some clothes from this decade. Oh, I almost forgot, your wife was crying the other night. Keep an eye out for post-partum depression. It's pretty serious.
Orange Man: She hasn't seemed sad at all, but I'll keep an eye out.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, no matter how many mysteries you solve, it's always easy to miss one.
[flashbacks:]
Carla: Turk, I can't handle going home right now.
Carla: Don't look at me, I wasn't crying.
Carla: I just need a break from the baby.
[present:]
Carla: [crying]
J.D.: [v.o.] Like who's really in trouble.


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