J.D.: What's up, Blaquaman?
Turk: I think I just saw a mermaid.
J.D.: Maybe you just spooked it. Oh, cute looking eel.
Turk: No, I'm naked.
J.D.: Alright, that's you.
Turk: I was supposed to meet Carla out here for a little "surf and Turk". Took off my swim trunks. These bad boys just floated away.
J.D.: Elliot's mad at me because I didn't say "I love you" right. You know what? That eel is looking at me funny, I'm gonna switch over here.
Turk: Yeah, he's got a mind of his own.

Janitor: If I'm gonna have a ceremony, I just need a little help. Go sunscreen up again and call an emergency meeting of the Brain Trust. Island style. Where's Todd?
Ted: Last time I saw him, he was stuffing seaweed into his bathing suit.
Janitor: Sure. Where's Doug?
Ted: Oh, no! I forgot to give him his invite.
[meanwhile, back at the hospital:]
Doug: He's getting married and he didn't invite any of us? Oh come on! And carrying around your invitation is just stupid! You look stupid!

Janitor: Alright. Welcome to the 2nd international meeting of the Brain Trust. I'll begin this as I began the meeting six years ago in Guatemala. I'm getting married tomorrow. And I need help. Ted, you're in charge of location and music. Todd, you are in charge of locating a Justice of the Peace and finding a sea turtle to serve as a ring bearer. Any questions?
Todd: [rubs celery stick on Ted's nose and eats it] Yeah. Who is this dude?
Janitor: That is Ira. As per our bylaws, the Brain Trust must always have a fourth. Plus he can speak to dolphins. Or so he says.
Ira: Drink. Drink.
Janitor: The man's a born leader.
Ira: Drink!
Janitor: You know what? Let's-
Ira: Drink, damn it!

Janitor: [v.o.] Time to smooth things over with Elliot.
J.D.: [jumps on bed] Seagull!

Janitor: [recording] Here's the incredibly breathtaking view of Hope Town, and... Well, what do you know? It's J.D. What's he doing here? Well, he made me change my wedding plans. And as punishment, he's got to spend ten minutes on top of this lighthouse.
J.D.: That's all I gotta do?
Janitor: That's it, my friend.
J.D.: Then how come I got this fish taped to my hands? Seagulls!

Janitor: I just wanna say something before we kiss, okay? And thanks for coming, even though I didn't want you here. I know that I'm weird. But, you know, you'd be weird too if your mother aged backwards like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along. And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.
Lady: I love you too.
J.D.: [v.o.] And right then, we all realized the value of the romantic gesture. From one person who loves someone to another.

Elliot: God, it's so beautiful here.
J.D.: Look, Elliot. I don't know if it's possible for me to put how I feel about you into words. But I guess I'll give it a shot. I had never really believed I'd find somebody that I'd love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. I love you- I love you more than Turk.
Elliot: Oh, my God.
J.D.: I know. That's even hard for me to say but it's true. I had to wrestle him to the ground to get this, but it’s more important for you to have it. Look at me. You're my dream girl.

J.D.: [v.o.] The second we got to the Abacos for the Janitor's wedding, Dr. Kelso, well, h set up shop at the bar.
Man: That's the best Bahama Mama I've ever had.
Dr. Kelso: I'll be the judge of that. Hi, Bob Kelso. Excuse me. Mercy. [to the bartender] If you would be so kind as to store this for me, we could get this party started. One Bahama Mama, please. [to the man] You can have this back when mine comes.

Janitor: Book Doug into the next "Dealing with rejection" seminar in my garage. 80 bucks.
Ted: 80 bucks? Can I take the class?
Janitor: No room for you, Ted.
Ted: Oh, man!
Janitor: That's not dealing with rejection. I can work wonders with you, my friend. One hundred bucks.
Ted: Hundred bucks! Sweet!

Ted: [spits out] This salad tastes like sunscreen.
Janitor: That's because you put sunscreen on it.
Ted: Oh, man! I put Ranch on my face.