Janitor Quote #1
Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
J.D.: I was worried it could exacerbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D.: But I...
Dr. Cox: And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
J.D.: [v.o.] Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names. Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear? Answer me!
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: Great, sport.
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: Dr. Kelso is always saying...
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it. Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be Satan himself.
J.D.: It's just that this isn't what I expected. Most of my patients are older and sorta checked-out, mentally.
Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago, back when they lost what made them people. Now, your job is to stay sane enough so that when someone does come in that you actually can help, you're not so brain-dead that you can't function. For the love of God, what?
J.D.: It's just, do you really think we should be talking about this in front of...
Dr. Cox: Her? She's dead. Write this down, Newbie. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.
J.D.: You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. You want some real advice? If they find out nurses are doing your procedures for you, your ass will be kicked out so quick, it'll make your head spin.