J.D.: Ted, you seem different.
Ted: I bought some relaxation tapes. They're working.
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: God, you cut off someone's nose? Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: No, I just gave him IV imipenem.
Ted: Kelso's gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.
J.D.: Ted. Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down.
Ted: Maybe you should calm down!

J.D.: [v.o.] And then I did something I've never done before.
J.D.: Look, doctor, if you flipped the page you'd see that I pan cultured him yesterday, but that would probably get in the way of the peverse pleasure you take in pointing out other people's slip-ups. Well, too bad, Buster Brown, because I'm a resident now and I'm not gonna be making the same silly intern mistakes I made last year. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't stand here and yell at me in front of my patient.
Dr. Cox: Buster Brown?
J.D.: Buster brown.
J.D.: [v.o.] Focus all energy on lip not quivering.

Janitor: I was in the military.
J.D.: Where did you come from?
Janitor: If I find out you're wearing a bronzy without having served, I'll make things uncomfortable for you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Coat-wearing doctors do not take this crap.
J.D.: You were never in the military.
Janitor: Yes, I was.
J.D.: Which branch?
Janitor: The janitor branch.
J.D.: I'm watching you. That's right, Sasquatch.

Elliot: I've never done anything like this. I just met him and slept with him.
Mrs. Bumbry: God, I miss one-night stands.
Elliot: The best thing was, since I knew it was just a fling, I wasn't afraid to ask him for exactly what I wanted.
Carla: Which was?
Elliot: Shirt on, lights off, no talking.

Janitor: How's it going?
J.D.: You can't wear that.
Janitor: You mean after Labor Day?
J.D.: You know what I mean.
Janitor: It's a white coat. Anybody can wear a white coat.
J.D.: Jerk.
Janitor: [to the patient] You're what we call "a goner." I'm kidding. There's nothing here.

J.D.: I was paged.
Nurse Roberts: Patient's complaining of anosmia.
J.D.: Anosmia? You know, I always thought it was very funny that losing your sense of smell was called anosmia. Anosmia, you know, like Schnozmia. Don't you find that very funny? He doesn't.
Nurse Roberts: I'm calling Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Nobody needs to call Dr. Cox.
Mr. Blair: This is only temporary, right?
J.D.: Of course it's temporary. Could also be slightly more untemporary.
Mr. Blair: You mean permanent.

Dr. Cox: I'm thrilled you approve, but, for the last time, I'm up here. I'm up here. [whistles] I'm up here.
J.D.: You were wrong. I was right.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
J.D.: Anosmia isn't a side-effect of IV imipenem. Plus, Mr. Blair had multiple nasal polypectomies and septoplasty and his loss of smell is most likely caused by repeated manipulation of his sinuses and the concurrent infection, so I didn't make a mistake, and you were wrong when you said, "Nice going, Newbie."
Dr. Cox: Here you've put me in a tough situation. I can't honestly decide whether to say "duh" or "doy" or a very sarcastic, "Oh, really?" My God, Fiona. I know it wasn't your fault. Hell, the patient probably knows. But he seemed a little distraught. Like maybe being able to blame somebody for a second or two might make him feel a little bit better. And, I know, maybe it's me, but doesn't that seem like something that goes along with wearing that fancy white coat? It does, doesn't it?
J.D.: Kinda.
Dr. Cox: I'm so proud of you. Put it there. [whistles] Woof.

Dr. Cox: I'm waiting.
Ted: Unfortunately, you've put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Dr. Kelso: Way to go, Ted. Good God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who would want to?

Dr. Cox: Listen closely, Tiny Dancer, I wouldn't be flapping my mouth if I'd forgotten to get a blood culture on Mr. Blair. And for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense? Oh, gosh, maybe you were running late that day 'cause you just couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans you love so much. Or maybe you were bopping along to whatever boy band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove on by. Of course, I don't know, I'm just guessing. But one thing's sure shooting. You wound up at the dumb-dumb store and just went ahead and put about as much of that in the car as you could fit, didn't you?

Dr. Cox: So Mrs. Bumbry here has inflammatory bowel disease, huh?
Carla: And the drug they're testing at the clinical trial could help. But of course she doesn't qualify.
Dr. Cox: You OK, Mrs. Bumbry?
Mrs. Bumbry: I liked Bow Wow when he was Lil' Bow Wow.
Dr. Cox: Oh, she's so right. You know, rappers, they grow up so fast. Look, Carla, if you're gonna survive in medicine, you've gotta accept rules are rules. Hey, anyone from that clinical trial around? [whistles] Hello! Hello! Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Carla: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Cox: When you speak of this, and I know you will, could I be shirtless? I think it would be even more impressive if I was shirtless.