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44Quotes from ‘My Old Man’

Scrubs: My Old Man

119. My Old Man

Aired April 9, 2002

With Turk and Elliot set to present at a conference, everyone's parents come to visit. [Guest stars: John Ritter, Markie Post, Hattie Winston, Lane Davies, R. Lee Emery]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: My dad flaked on me again.
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. Um, you're not on drugs, are you?
J.D.: What? No.
Dr. Cox: Are you in jail? Have you been beaten? Are you malnourished?
J.D.: I skipped lunch, but I've been snacking all day.
Dr. Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps crying about how horrible his father was.
J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Dr. Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger, and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't care if today was the first time you ever even met your daddy. Because in reality, well, he could've done a much, much worse job, okay.

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Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Can I help you, sir? Sir?
Janitor's Father: You can help me by minding your own damn business.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Janitor's Father: Oh, aggressive, huh? Do you really want to get it on with me, pipsqueak? Because if you do, I guarantee it'll be the last stupid thing you ever do on God's green earth.
J.D.: Nice meeting you.
J.D.: [v.o.] What the hell was that all about?
Janitor: Dad, don't wander off like that.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Great job at rounds today, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Your dad must've been very impressed.
Elliot: Yeah, I think so. I could tell that he respected you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's very nice, but lucky for me, my self-esteem isn't tied up in that kind of poppycock. You see, I didn't become a doctor to impress my daddy or anyone else. I did it for me. I've seen lots of doctors get into this for the wrong reason. You know what happens to them?
Elliot: No.
Dr. Kelso: They quit and get their real estate licence. You look upset, sweetheart. You shouldn't be. I think you'd look super in a gold blazer.
Elliot: Thank you.
Dr. Kelso: This is almost too easy.

Quote from Carla

Turk: Hey, Mom, guess what.
Carla: Hi, Mrs. Turk, I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I'm Carla and I apologize if your son hasn't told you about me. Honestly, I don't know how you've put up with him as long as you did. Still, you should know he loves me very much, I feel the same and we're really good together.
Margaret Turk: Are you two sharing a bed?
Turk: No!
Carla: Yes, ma'am, we are. But if you're a good judge of character, I think you can tell I'm not messing around.

Quote from Turk

Margaret Turk: Carla. It's a nice name.
Carla: Thank you.
Turk: Yes, it is, Mother.
Margaret Turk: Oh, please. Not telling me about her. Dear, do me a favor. Don't give him any for a month or so.
Carla: Done.
Turk: No, it can't go down like that. It just can't go down like that.

Quote from J.D.

Sam Dorian: How you doing, Elliot? [Elliot is silent] Great talk. Anyway, Johnny, I was talking to my buddy, Jake, this afternoon. You remember my buddy Jake?
J.D.: No.
Sam Dorian: Anyway, Jake's my buddy, and he's leaving the country for who knows how long. So I thought I might get out of here tomorrow and go catch up with him, which would I'd miss your thing, but I wouldn't know what I was hearing anyway. Right?
J.D.: Right.
J.D.: [v.o.] I think what surprised me the most is that I was actually surprised.
Sam Dorian: You still talking to yourself? I thought you'd outgrow that by now.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] So here's the deal: A month ago, Turk and Elliot wrote a paper on peripheral vascular disease and now they're upset because they have to present it at a big conference.
J.D.: Do you know how many interns would die to do something like that? Not me, because I don't really care about that sort of stuff. Besides, I know in my heart that my paper was, like, a trillion times better. Anyway, it's so political. I mean, surprise, surprise! They went with the black guy and the girl.
Carla: Bambi.
J.D.: What? Come on, what right do they have to be so damn mopey?
J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when Elliot said something that explained everything.
Elliot: Our parents are coming.
J.D.: Oh, I am so sorry.

Quote from J.D.

Sam Dorian: Wowser, Rowdy's a boy dog.
J.D.: [v.o.] My mom and dad got divorced when I was seven. I know that's not so unusual, but even though everybody's relationship with their father is different, mine has always seemed very different.
Sam Dorian: God, I'd like to take a run at her. Would you look at that rack.
J.D.: Dad, please.
Sam Dorian: I'm sorry, Johnny. I'm just a man. You know what they say about men.
Turk: They love boobies.
Sam Dorian: That is correct, Christopher.
J.D.: OK, you know, I think I'm gonna hit the sack before I get even more uncomfortable.
Sam Dorian: Your mother had a beautiful bosom.
J.D.: There it is.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What in the hell is this, parents' weekend?
J.D.: Well, sort of. Elliot and Turk wrote this paper, then my dad decided "I wanna come too," so...
Dr. Cox: Look, Reba, if I ask you a question that doesn't specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don't want you to answer. Do you understand?
J.D.: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: It's like working with a monkey.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: That sucks. I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Then take him.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Dr. Cox: Uh, I don't know? Secure a vehicle of some kind: car, balloon, tricycle, and transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.
J.D.: Well, I don't think you get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more of like a buddy.
Dr. Cox: OK. That was my mistake. Here, I engaged you and gave you the impression that I actually care, which is just so wrong! God!
J.D.: The thing is, I don't need really a buddy. What I need is a father.
Dr. Cox: Well, you definitely need something. Maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you could carry around the hospital and just cry your sad eyes out into whenever trauma I have testicles.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: After you, sir.
Simon Reid: Well, I'll be. I haven't seen a ward like this since Vietnam.
Dr. Kelso: So where in Connecticut was your National Guard unit stationed?
Simon Reid: Amusing.
Dr. Kelso: I thought so.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I think they're totally getting along, don't you?
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso and Dr. Simon Reid are boxing in the ICU:]
Simon Reid: I'm about to open a fat can of whup-ass on you.
Dr. Kelso: Bring it on, bitch.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Can you believe my dad winked at me!
J.D.: I mean, if that's not saying, "I love you, I'm proud of you," I'm not sure what is.
Elliot: I know! Let me tell you, there are no gratuitous winks in the Reid household.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when I decided to take a chance.
Sam Dorian: [on the phone] Are you kidding? I'd love to come to your heart murmur lecture. I'm a big fan of those things.
J.D.: That means a lot, Dad.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hi, Mrs. Turk.
Margaret Turk: John Dorian, get over here. After all these years, are you still afraid of me?
J.D.: Well, you remember on Thanksgiving when I said your turkey was dry, and you picked me up and shook me.
Margaret Turk: Well, then don't say that.
Carla: Silly Bambi.

Quote from J.D.

Sam Dorian: Well, work is great, Johnny. I like to believe that I'm selling dreams.
J.D.: But, Dad, you sell office supplies.
Sam Dorian: Yeah, yeah, I prefer to call them dreams. I'm gonna steal another Jell-O.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I told my mom you like that Cuban restaurant. She loves Cuban food-
Carla: I hate that restaurant.
Turk: Wow. So I really must have misunderstood you when you said you loved the place and you wanted to be buried in a vat of pltanos so you could eat your way out.
Carla: See? That's our problem. You don't get me.
Turk: No argument there.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor's Father: Hey, hey, hey! You missed a spot, right there.
Janitor: Well, lucky for me, Dad, I spend my life going in a circle around this place cleaning up after the sick. So tomorrow I'll probably be here at the same time.
Janitor's Father: You know that I hate sass, so drop right down and give me 20.
Janitor: Dad, that could be fecal matter.
Janitor's Father: Make it 30.
Janitor: Fine.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Now, you've got to at least try and pace yourself, Newbie. Otherwise, sure as shooting, you're gonna burn out. Come. Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I'm aware that you have some problem you want to talk to me about. You probably think it'll be cathartic to get it off your chest, but believe me, it won't be. What you've got to do, for me, is the healthy thing. Keep all of your feelings bottled up inside where they so belong.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Part of me thought Cox was wrong. I had every reason to be angry with my father.
Man: So, how's it going down there?
J.D.: If it's OK with you, we just won't talk right now. Got a needle. Need to focus.
J.D.: [v.o.] But then I stopped thinking of my dad as a father and started thinking of him as a man. And I realized some things that deep down I probably always knew. Like, maybe he wasn't crashing on my couch to spend more quality time with me but because he couldn't afford a hotel room. And maybe he wasn't going to see his buddy Jake to catch up, but because Jake was someone he might be able to sell something to, and he really needs a sale. And maybe the truth is he's just a middle-aged, lonely guy struggling to get by, and it sure would be nice if someone gave him a break once in a while.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't Daddy's little girl.
Elliot: I wanted to tell you what happened to me.
Dr. Kelso: I'm going to right ahead and keep eating my soup, but you rest assured I'm holding my breath on the inside.
Elliot: First, I came out to my mother.
Dr. Kelso: Well, then, it appears the boys in radiology owe me quite a bit of money.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor's Father: Heh-eh. Parents, huh?
J.D.: Tell me about it.
Janitor: Yeah. What's that, a shot at my dad? That's stepping over the line, pal.
J.D.: I missed this.
Janitor: Yeah.


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