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47Quotes from ‘My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby’

Scrubs: My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby

602. My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby

Aired December 7, 2006

When Carla goes into labor, Elliot has everything under control, leaving Turk out in the cold. Meanwhile, J.D. and Kim discuss their options for their baby, and Jordan is angry that Dr. Cox talks to Jack like he's one of his drinking buddies.

Quote from Kim

Kim: This sucks. I mean, the hardest decision I've had to make in the last year was what hairstyle to get. And even then, all I did was open up an US Magazine, close my eyes and pick a random celebrity.
J.D.: Kirsten Dunst?
Kim: Owen Wilson.
J.D.: Oh.

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Quote from Elliot

Carla: Elliot, I can't do it!
Elliot: Okay, I want you to imagine that your uterus is like a tube of toothpaste, and you're just trying to squeeze out all that minty fresh gel. But instead of minty fresh gel inside, there's a little black baby. [Carla swings for Elliot, who dodges]

Quote from Janitor

Turk: [answers phone] Hey, baby, look, I- Yeah, he, he's right here. [to J.D.] She won't talk to me.
J.D.: Hi. Yes, I know he missed your wedding, too. All right, hold on. [slaps Turk] That was from her, not me.
Turk: Go.
Janitor: Relax, I'll have him out in one second. [holding saw] All right, hold still. Nobody likes a jagged stump.
Turk: No!
Janitor: [on the phone] He's being unreasonable. Okay. [slaps Turk twice] That was from me.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: What's going on?
Turk: They're about to start.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton! If you are trying to get the same five million dollar settlement that damn hook-handed security guard got, you're outta luck, stud. Because I put a little release button right here on top.
[Turk screams as he looks at his frozen, blue hand]
Dr. Kelso: Well, what are you waiting for, son? Get in there.
[later:]
Carla: How you doin', beautiful? Turk, you're here! I'm so hot.
Turk: Oh, don't sweat it. I got ya. [puts frozen, blue hand on Carla's forehead]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jack: [to a woman] You're a fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty!
Woman: What's your son doing?
Dr. Cox: Apparently he's doing the "fatty dance." Inappropriate? Well, maybe. But I'm raising my son to be a straight-shooter. That's his mom, right over there.
Jordan: Oh, thanks for including me.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Is he coming? Is he coming!?
Elliot: Turk, she's barely in labor.
Carla: Oh, he's not talking about the baby.
[J.D. enters]
Turk: He's here! And now we can have our baby!
J.D.: Okay, Brown Bear, commence Operation Brown Cub! Suitcase!
Turk: Check.
J.D.: Stylish big daddy hat!
Turk: Check.
J.D.: Big-time collegiate drum-line!
[outside:]
Turk: Check! I want the whole world to know my baby's having a baby! [dances]
Carla: Maybe we should just take your car!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Okay, ladies, we're here; calm down.
Carla: What the hell took you so long? Oh, my God, did you stop for food?
Turk: We had to, honey. J.D. promised the band that we'd feed them.
[flashback to Turk and J.D. in a car, followed by the marching band, at a drive-thru:]
J.D.: Yeah, let me get twenty-three cheeseburgers, twenty-three milkshakes. Miguel, if you don't stop drumming, you're not getting fries. Twenty-three fri- You know what, twenty-two fries. Twenty-two fries. You didn't think I'd do it, did you.
[present:]
J.D.: Miguel has such raw talent, but his attitude keeps getting in the way.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Turk, you brought my suitcase, right?
Turk: Of course I have your suitcase, honey.
[later:]
J.D.: What are you doing?
Turk: Sometimes when you need a miracle, you have to pray extra-extra hard. You wanna help me out?
J.D.: Fo' shizzle.
[elsewhere, a dog picks up Carla's suitcase from outside the apartment building. The dog runs through the forest. Then up the steps of the hospital and over to Turk and J.D. The dog drops the bag by Turk's feet while his eyes are stilled closed. A homeless man steals the bag.]
Turk: Nothing!

Quote from Jordan

Elliot: It's okay, Carla, because I packed you an extra overnight bag, you're all checked in, and I got you an orderly to take you to your room.
Jordan: Yeah, I'm only four months pregnant, ace.
Carla: Oh, yeah, I think you're looking for me.
Jordan: Move it along before I eat you! Chop chop.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ah. Sorry, Jack, the machine's broken. Looks like you're gonna have to guzzle your juice down without any ice. Pretend, um. You know, pretend it's gin.
Jack: What's gin?
Dr. Cox: Gin is an alcoholic beverage which, if your mommy's strong genes are any indication, you'll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Jordan: First the fat lady, now this? He's three, Perry! Do you have to be so blunt with him?
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna B.S. my own kid. What's the big deal?
Dr. Kelso: Hiya, sport!
Jack: Your skin is wrinkly.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah? Well that shirt you're wearing is gay!

Quote from Turk

Dr. Matthews: All right, Carla. Let's check how dilated you are.
Ted: Looking real good, Carla. Okay, we're live in three, two, one.
Dr. Matthews: Okay. Looks like you're at about three centimeters.
[in the cafeteria:]
Todd: Greatest show ever!
[in his office:]
Dr. Kelso: And record.
[in the lobby:]
Janitor: Cool! Swamp thing!
[in the waiting room:]
Jack: What's that, daddy?
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's the vagina of a 35-year-old Latina woman.
Turk: Baby?
[back in the delivery room, Carla looks up at the TV. She moves around to see if the image mirrors her actions.]
Carla: What the!?!?
[Turk runs in and tackles camera-man Ted to the ground]

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Did somebody just say "abortion"?
Kim: Laverne, with all due respect, this is none of your business. Or Jesus's.
Nurse Roberts: I believe He would beg to differ.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: Congrats, Perry, my son just asked me if my vagina had ever been on television.
Dr. Cox: And did you tell him not since the late 'eighties when you were trying to make it as "an actress"?

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?
Dr. Kelso: What the hell's with her?
Dr. Cox: She's mad. But she can't give me the silent treatment because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide treatment.
Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.
Dr. Cox: You have no idea.
Jordan: What else do I need for that? Oh, I need new pillow shams. And I- I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean, and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper. Maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: So what is Elliot's plan?
Turk: Ah, it's really simple: See, when Carla says "I'm thirsty," Elliot'll say, "Oh no, I forgot the ice chips." That's when I walk in, ice in hand, and I say, "Christopher Turk, at your cervix!"

Quote from Kim

Kim: I mean, having a baby can completely ruin your life, you know? Not to mention, as a urologist, I have seen what childbirth can do to you down there. I mean, I examined this one woman last month and it was like "Hello, hello, hello, hello..."
Carla: Not a good time, Kim!

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: [on the phone] Okay, Janitor, Carla's starting to push, tell Turk.
Janitor: Got it. Your baby has a tail.
Turk: I told her to stay away from the microwave.


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