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43Quotes from ‘My Friend with Money’

Scrubs: My Friend with Money

605. My Friend with Money

Aired January 11, 2007

Now that Elliot is earning more money and gets to clock off at five, she starts to feel some resentment from Dr. Cox and J.D. Turk tries to get Carla help with her post-partum depression, but she doesn't want to see a doctor. Meanwhile, the Janitor and Dr. Cox fight over a luxury hospital suite that became vacant.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: I specifically told you not to give Mr. Sandal disopyramide. Why would you change my orders?
Dr. Cox: Well, there were two treatment options, and when in doubt, I always go in the opposite direction of you.
Elliot: Don't do it again.
Dr. Cox: So, do it again? Look, Barbie, what you're missing here is that you're private practice now. That means you're the enemy. And I know, as a doctor, disease is supposed to be the enemy, but I'm giving hepatitis and his band of infectious buddies a pass, and I'm coming after you today. Because the bottom line is you'd rather clock out of here early than run the extra mile for your patients, and, Barbie, that makes you a sell-out.

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Quote from Jordan

Carla: Look, all I ever wanted was to be a mother, and now that I am one, I feel like I'm not cut out for it.
Jordan: And you're ashamed of that?
Carla: Well, wouldn't you be?
Jordan: Yeah, I was. What's the worst feeling you've had since you had the baby?
Carla: I don't know.
Jordan: When Jack wouldn't stop crying, I wanted to throw that bastard out the window.
Carla: Really? I wanted to throw Isabella out the window. Yeah, but we just had our apartment repainted, and all the windows were sealed shut, so I just wanted to drop her off the roof.
Turk: [gasps] Oh, my God!
Jordan: Listen, you can't get rid this by sheer force of will or positive thinking or taking advice from a big Hollywood movie star and the dead science fiction writer he worships. You need to get some help.
Turk: That's what I've been try-
Jordan: If you talk again, I'm going to eat you.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: Well, I gotta tell you, this is heaven.
Janitor: This gourmet trail mix is fantastic. I'm tastin' vanilla, cranberry, a hint of pine.
Dr. Cox: That's potpourri, genius.
Janitor: Is that hickory?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You should see all the sweet new toys Elliot bought. It's awesome. It's like that time in college when we got to split all of Chugski's stuff when he drank himself to death.
Turk: I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard!
J.D.: Pour some out for one's homies.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Hey, everybody.
Dr. Cox: You hear her, Newbie. Private Practice Barbie is clocking out. Now, if we could just get cancer to go home at 5:00, we'd be all set.
J.D.: Come on, you're just jealous. I know I am.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Turk and Carla had just brought their new baby home. [recording] What's up, Isabella? For your 16th birthday, your dad has made you a videotape. [laughs] Now, I know future me is probably really strict, so no dating, no make-up, and no spending spring break with your friends on Mars. Last thing I need to worry about is my daughter getting eaten by a giant space slug. You know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, for your 16th birthday, my gift to you is to show you how happy your mom was the day we brought you home.
Turk: Baby?
Carla: I can't do this. We have to take her back.
Turk: Happy birthday, sweetheart. We'll talk later.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, my pregnant girlfriend just moved away, but I was still keeping things spicy.
J.D.: [on the phone] Oh, of course I miss you, baby! Want to see a picture of me missing you? Hold on. [sends picture] Oh, thanks. Do you want to see a picture of my rock-hard abs? Ok, hold on. [takes picture of Keith] No, no. I've always had an innie. She wants to see a picture of my ass.
Keith: Oh, J.D., I don't want-
J.D.: I am your superior!
Elliot: What the-?
J.D.: Oh, hey, Elliot, I'll have him back to you in one second.
Elliot: Kim, yeah, those pictures are of Keith, ok? Read 'em and weep. Look, J.D. will call you back later.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, the biggest perk is that at 5:00, she gets to dump her patients on someone else and go home.
Elliot: Mr. Sandal has HOCM. I'm not using disopyramide, so just continue treating with beta blockers.
Dr. Cox: You're giving orders to me? OMG, Barboo, you make me want to LOL... [laughs] I just discovered text messaging. I know I'm a little late to the game, but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a G.A.B.P.I.T.A.W.M.
W.2.D. [off Elliot's look] "Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes me Want to Die".

Quote from Carla

Bobby: Hi! Since you're African-American, I was wondering if I can borrow some of your Marvin Gaye CDs?
Turk: Sure. Come on in, kid. Here you go.
Bobby: Thanks! Mazel tov on the baby. [exits]
Carla: How did he know I had a baby? [Turk points to Carla's chest] Oh. Great! I milked through my last clean T-shirt!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash.
Elliot: Hey, roomie! I went shopping. Oh, this couch reminded me of my grandpa. He used to drive around in a car just like it. You know, until he was killed in that 7-car pile-up.
J.D.: "7-car pile-up" would be a good name for a rock band.
Elliot: Yeah, you actually told me that on the day that he died.
J.D.: Oh.
Elliot: Anywho, I was thinking maybe we should put in some new hardwood floors.
J.D.: Why stop at hardwood?
[fantasy: Elliot walks into the apartment:]
Elliot: Yay, the new floors are in! [bounces, crashes into wall]
J.D.: Careful. Trampoline floors take some gettin' used to. But I love 'em.
[reality:]
J.D.: I like bouncing, but it is dangerous.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: My god, this is beautiful.
Dr. Kelso: Gentlemen, how is Mr. Worthington doing?
Dr. Cox: He, uh, he's in a coma, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Great! The man has the health insurance of a Tahitian prince.

Quote from Todd

Turk: See, baby, the great thing about working at a hospital is that we have access to all types of medical care.
Having trouble feeding your baby? Bam, say hello to your lactation specialists.
Carla: Hi.
Lactation Specialist #1: Try tickling her lip with the nipple to let her know it's time to eat.
Lactation Specialist #2: Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
Todd: I can't see the nipple.
Turk: Todd, get the hell out of here.

Quote from Turk

Carla: She's still not eating. None of this stuff is working.
Turk: We're the Turks, remember? Now, if you ask me, Isabella is placing calls, but no one's responding in the areola code.
Carla: What?
Turk: Those two little turkey timers you got there are telling me that that birdie's not done. And this place is too public for me to arouse them freaky-deeky style-y, so, i'm gonna have to go an alternate route. Your dead mama had one of the fattest asses I've ever seen!
Carla: What?!
Turk: Ding, ding. Turkey's done.
Carla: She's latching. She's latching.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot. Look, I know you're probably mad about what I said yesterday, and-
Elliot: I'm not mad. Well, I mean, at first I was a little mad so I started power walking down fourth avenue. Right when I got to that place where it starts to get a little ghetto, I realized, you're just jealous.
J.D.: I am not jealous.
Elliot: Oh, please, J.D., I know you. Whenever you're jealous, you run your hands through your hair and then you smell them.
J.D.: [hands in hair] I do not!
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, resist smelling that coconut goodness that caresses your tresses! Don't do it!
Elliot: Whatever.
J.D.: [sniffs] Ahh, pina colada!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Look, Carla's going all post partum depression-y on me, And she won't let me to take her to see a doctor.
Dr. Cox: She's never gonna listen to you. You're a guy. You have no idea what she's going through. The fact is, the only person she will listen to is someone who's gone through it themselves.
Turk: Fine. Who?
Dr. Cox: I cannot believe I am doing this. [makes phone call]
[later, the ground shakes at the hospital as Jordan walks down the corridor. She knocks the papers out of two doctors' hands.]
Turk: I'm scared.
Dr. Cox: Me, too, Gandhi.
Jordan: [mouth full] What!?
Dr. Cox: You look pretty, dear.
Turk: So pretty.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: [over webcam] Look, you don't have to admit that you're jealous. I was thinking, Kim's not around, and I can't even imagine how much that sucks, so, I sent her a webcam just like this one, and you guys can video chat whenever you want. Anything to make the long distance easier, right? Anyway, I hope you like it. See you.
Dr. Kelso: [over webcam] Boogity, boogity, boogity. [J.D. screams] I love the interhighway.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I've been expecting you.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jumpsuit, as I was scaling the hospital, I had an epiphany. This back-and-forth between you and I is just gonna get worse and worse. I mean, the only thing I could think about was retaliation, and I'm relatively certain that you've got a couple of tricks up your sleeve, too.
Janitor: I do have a friend who works on Wall Street. He and I got a good look at your personal finances, and he agreed to fly into town and bash your head in.
Dr. Cox: Right, that would roughly be what I'm referring to.
Janitor: Ah. Then, yes.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: There really is only one way to end this.
Janitor: We each ingest a cyanide capsule. On three. One, two, three.
Dr. Cox: No. What are you doing?
Janitor: Mine's a Skittle.
Dr. Cox: Mine, too?
Janitor: Sure.
Dr. Cox: Get out of here. Look, there really is only one way to end this so that we both come out alive. We've got to page him.
[later: Dr. Kelso cuts through the drywall that the Janitor placed where the door used to be, the steps over it]
Dr. Kelso: You. Get the hell out of here before I charge you for every cashew you've pilfred from the mini-bar. And you, stop eating the potpourri and get back to work.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: So you have post-partum depression.
Carla: No. I have the weepies.
Turk: No, baby,you've got post-
Jordan: You have no lines in this play.
Turk: Okay.

Quote from Carla

J.D.: [v.o.] The first step of solving any problem is admitting that you have one. After that, you can start to work on feeling like your old self again.
Turk: All right, Izzie. This is what your mom looks like on anti-depressants.
Carla: Oh, we're sharing secrets now?
Turk: Yeah.
Carla: Oh, 'cause Izzie, look, this is what your daddy looks like the last time he tried to grow out his hair. How sad.
Turk: That's cold, baby.


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