Dr. Cox: Look, you and I are alike in a lot of ways.
Janitor: We both harbor an internal struggle between the desire to do good, and the urge to become a master criminal.
Dr. Cox: We don't.
Janitor: We do.
Dr. Cox: You hate people, and I hate people. What nobody gets is that we never hate indiscriminately.
Janitor: That is so true. I only hate those that have wronged me. Like if they stole my stuff, or put a penny in a door. Or... that guy. See this look he shot us, like he's so much better than we are.
Dr. Cox: Plus, he's only 25, and earlier I heard him use the phrase "Back in the day".
Janitor: Well, he's dug his own grave, hasn't he? Let's do this.

J.D.: All right, Denise. I'm going to kick your butt with scut work for a while. Still, I really want you to be yourself around me.
Denise: Do you really mean that, sir?
J.D.: [v.o.] Sir! Loving this girl's energy.
J.D.: I mean every word, young miss.
Denise: Well, buddy. You have no idea how psyched I am to hear that. I mean, I spent four years in med school talking like this so I wouldn't dare threaten all the male teachers who pee their pants every time they're even near a strong woman. Seriously, I am so happy to be done with all that, I could drop a deuce right here.
J.D.: Oh, well, don't do that here, Denise. Cause this is a hospital.
J.D.: [v.o.] What in god's name just happened?
Denise: By the way, how can you stand these scrubs? Mine are so far up my butt right now, I can taste them in my throat.
J.D.: You don't have to be yourself all the time, just some of the time.

Elliot: Katie. You don't have to do that.
Katie: I know. It's disgusting.
Elliot: You're just under so much pressure, I've been there.
Katie: Really?
Elliot: Oh, my God, my first week here, I totally screwed my best friend, J.D., just to look good in rounds. Well, not literally screwed. I mean, yes, later, we did it. But that was for totally different reasons. And honestly, it's been talked to death. But we are dating again. Don't tell anyone.
Katie: Got it.

J.D.: He needs a new chest scan right away. And don't let those idiots in radiology hold you up.
Denise: Dr. Dorian, if they pull any crap, I'll bust some heads.
J.D.: [v.o.] She really is like having my very own Jo from Facts of Life. Throw her a bone, so she knows she's growing on you.
J.D.: Denise, call me J.D. Dr. Dorian is my father. Actually, he's Mr. Dorian. Well, was Mr. Dorian. He's dead, Jo. He's never coming back.

Elliot: So, did you put yourself up for that?
Katie: I'm not exactly super confident right now.
Elliot: Katie. When I was an intern, this oncologist asked me to assist him with his research, and I was too intimated. And so I said no. So, then he offers it to this other girl, Gina. And I really regretted it. You know, at least until we found out that she was actually watching Gina wiz through a hole in his office wall. But had he not been a perv, it would still haunt me. Which is why you're going to go for this, okay?

J.D.: [v.o.] Things were the same around here. Dr. Kelso was retired. But he had also won free muffins for life, so he still came to the hospital every day.
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, people!
Nurse: Hi, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Anderson. Before I retired, we never got to have our heart-to-heart. I'm not really a touchy-feely type but... Well, hell, I'll just say it. You're a jackass.

Carla: So maybe you don't like him because he freaky stoner weirdo.
Dr. Cox: No, surprisingly that tickles me.
Carla: Did he say "Back in the day"?
Dr. Cox: No.
Carla: Did he say "Back in the dizz-ay"?
Dr. Cox: No.
Carla: Did he call you Dr. C?
Dr. Cox: He did, but I liked it.
Carla: Does he like Hugh Jackman?
Dr. Cox: Wrong again. You suck at this.

Elliot: I cannot believe that Turk didn't pick you. Ooh, I'll just have to withhold sex from him. I mean, not me, personally. But I'm best friend with his wife, and if I ask her to, she will get him all worked up, and then say "That was for Elliott." And then just roll over and go to sleep.

Elliot: Turk, I'm so mad at you.
Turk: Yeah, I know. Carla dragged me to the on-call room, stripped butt naked, did a little belly dance, and then said "This is for Elliot". Then took a nap! What the hell did I did to you?
Elliot: You're a sexist.
Turk: Keep moving, Rhonda. You ain't moving fast enough, Rhonda.
Elliot: Admit it. Katie never had a chance with you because she's a girl.
Turk: That's ridiculous.
Elliot: Really? Besides me, can you even name one other girl that you're friends with?
Turk: Carla, and a lovely woman by the name of Margaret.
Elliot: Carla is your wife, and Margaret's your mother!
Turk: Elliott, don't talk about my momma! Alright, I will punch you in the head!

Dr. Cox: That's it. I know why I hate him.
Janitor: Way to go. Want to borrow my plunger? Form a perfect seal around his mouth, and then [popping sound] three times, and his Adam's apple pops right out. Theoretically.