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‘My ABC's’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My ABC's

805. My ABC's

Aired January 27, 2009

Dr. Cox, J.D. and Elliot each take one of the new interns under their wing. J.D. tries to show Denise compassion as they comfort a wife whose husband is about to die. Elliot is upset when Turk passes over her protege, Katie, for a research project. Dr. Cox can't figure out why he hates Ed (Aziz Ansari). Meanwhile, J.D. can't get Sesame Street out of his mind.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: Look, you and I are alike in a lot of ways.
Janitor: We both harbor an internal struggle between the desire to do good, and the urge to become a master criminal.
Dr. Cox: We don't.
Janitor: We do.
Dr. Cox: You hate people, and I hate people. What nobody gets is that we never hate indiscriminately.
Janitor: That is so true. I only hate those that have wronged me. Like if they stole my stuff, or put a penny in a door. Or... that guy. See this look he shot us, like he's so much better than we are.
Dr. Cox: Plus, he's only 25, and earlier I heard him use the phrase "Back in the day".
Janitor: Well, he's dug his own grave, hasn't he? Let's do this.

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Quote from Denise

J.D.: All right, Denise. I'm going to kick your butt with scut work for a while. Still, I really want you to be yourself around me.
Denise: Do you really mean that, sir?
J.D.: [v.o.] Sir! Loving this girl's energy.
J.D.: I mean every word, young miss.
Denise: Well, buddy. You have no idea how psyched I am to hear that. I mean, I spent four years in med school talking like this so I wouldn't dare threaten all the male teachers who pee their pants every time they're even near a strong woman. Seriously, I am so happy to be done with all that, I could drop a deuce right here.
J.D.: Oh, well, don't do that here, Denise. Cause this is a hospital.
J.D.: [v.o.] What in god's name just happened?
Denise: By the way, how can you stand these scrubs? Mine are so far up my butt right now, I can taste them in my throat.
J.D.: You don't have to be yourself all the time, just some of the time.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Katie. You don't have to do that.
Katie: I know. It's disgusting.
Elliot: You're just under so much pressure, I've been there.
Katie: Really?
Elliot: Oh, my God, my first week here, I totally screwed my best friend, J.D., just to look good in rounds. Well, not literally screwed. I mean, yes, later, we did it. But that was for totally different reasons. And honestly, it's been talked to death. But we are dating again. Don't tell anyone.
Katie: Got it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: He needs a new chest scan right away. And don't let those idiots in radiology hold you up.
Denise: Dr. Dorian, if they pull any crap, I'll bust some heads.
J.D.: [v.o.] She really is like having my very own Jo from Facts of Life. Throw her a bone, so she knows she's growing on you.
J.D.: Denise, call me J.D. Dr. Dorian is my father. Actually, he's Mr. Dorian. Well, was Mr. Dorian. He's dead, Jo. He's never coming back.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, did you put yourself up for that?
Katie: I'm not exactly super confident right now.
Elliot: Katie. When I was an intern, this oncologist asked me to assist him with his research, and I was too intimated. And so I said no. So, then he offers it to this other girl, Gina. And I really regretted it. You know, at least until we found out that she was actually watching Gina wiz through a hole in his office wall. But had he not been a perv, it would still haunt me. Which is why you're going to go for this, okay?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Things were the same around here. Dr. Kelso was retired. But he had also won free muffins for life, so he still came to the hospital every day.
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, people!
Nurse: Hi, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Anderson. Before I retired, we never got to have our heart-to-heart. I'm not really a touchy-feely type but... Well, hell, I'll just say it. You're a jackass.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: So maybe you don't like him because he freaky stoner weirdo.
Dr. Cox: No, surprisingly that tickles me.
Carla: Did he say "Back in the day"?
Dr. Cox: No.
Carla: Did he say "Back in the dizz-ay"?
Dr. Cox: No.
Carla: Did he call you Dr. C?
Dr. Cox: He did, but I liked it.
Carla: Does he like Hugh Jackman?
Dr. Cox: Wrong again. You suck at this.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I cannot believe that Turk didn't pick you. Ooh, I'll just have to withhold sex from him. I mean, not me, personally. But I'm best friend with his wife, and if I ask her to, she will get him all worked up, and then say "That was for Elliott." And then just roll over and go to sleep.

Quote from Turk

Elliot: Turk, I'm so mad at you.
Turk: Yeah, I know. Carla dragged me to the on-call room, stripped butt naked, did a little belly dance, and then said "This is for Elliot". Then took a nap! What the hell did I did to you?
Elliot: You're a sexist.
Turk: Keep moving, Rhonda. You ain't moving fast enough, Rhonda.
Elliot: Admit it. Katie never had a chance with you because she's a girl.
Turk: That's ridiculous.
Elliot: Really? Besides me, can you even name one other girl that you're friends with?
Turk: Carla, and a lovely woman by the name of Margaret.
Elliot: Carla is your wife, and Margaret's your mother!
Turk: Elliott, don't talk about my momma! Alright, I will punch you in the head!

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: That's it. I know why I hate him.
Janitor: Way to go. Want to borrow my plunger? Form a perfect seal around his mouth, and then [popping sound] three times, and his Adam's apple pops right out. Theoretically.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] And then I realized why I'd thought about Sesame Street all day. In a way, you can learn everything you need to know from watching it as a kid. Like, always play nice.
Katie: Oh, please. I've got Dr. Reid wrapped around my finger. I'm going to be fine around here.
J.D.: [v.o.] Always try your hardest.
Intern: Hey, are you going to the hematology lecture tonight?
Ed: No can do, other Indian guy. 'bout to go get me some pizza.
J.D.: [v.o.] And even, "It's okay to cry."
Denise: Yeah, you were right. He didn't last long at all. [sees J.D.] Oh, didn't expect the waterworks. See you tomorrow.
Elliot: It's going to be a long year.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As usual, Turk and I were working our asses off.
J.D.: Oh, man. You and Izzy are here. I wanted to watch... [Sesame Street is on] Oh, nice, it's already on.
Turk: It's a good one. The letter is J.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] And Dr. Cox was once again torturing the new interns.
Dr. Cox: Oh, before we start rounds today, who watches Deal Or No Deal? Get out! And you, Legally Blonde. Name the three possible causes of this patient's hematemasis.
Katie: Peptic ulcer disease, esophageal varices, or Zollinger-Ellison syndrome?
Dr. Cox: That's actually correct.
Katie: Yes.
Dr. Cox: And if you're wondering why I say "actually", you've proven to be such a vapid, helpless incompetent, that for you to say something correct is a wild departure from the norm, therefore I decided I had better pick a word that drew attention to the fact that it was such an extraordinary occurrence, and I- I went ahead and chose "actually".

Quote from Dr. Cox

Ed: Zwah!
Dr. Cox: Who made that noise?
Ed: Oh. I did. I'm a little tired of her chipper attitude. So it was cool to see you just slam her. So I just went "Zwah!"
Dr. Cox: So, if I were to ask you a question like "What is the next diagnostic move in checking for Zollinger Ellison?" and you didn't know, I would say "Zwah!".
Ed: Nope. 'cause I know the answer. Esephago-gastro-duodenoscopy. Zwah!
Dr. Cox: Good, but mark my words. I will zwah you by the end of the day. Now, since the rest of your brains are so tiny, from now on, I will speak like a caveman. You, bad doctors. Me, good doctor. You, follow.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Hey, did you guys heard they're starting to interview for the new Chief of Medicine?
Janitor: Actually, they already found someone.
Oscar the Grouch: That's right, knuckleheads. There's a new chief in town!
Janitor: That was a mistake.
Oscar the Grouch: I'll be watching you, John Dorian. And guess what. My eyes never close.
Janitor: Mine neither. Actually, they do. That was a lie.
[reality:]
J.D.: I grew up on the street. No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Patient. Iron high. Heart swollen big. You. What make sick?
Denise: Hmm, could it be hemochromatosis?
Dr. Cox: Correct. Rounds. Over. You. Go.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Thoughts on the beard?
Dr. Cox: I like it.
J.D.: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Course, I'm totally in favor of anything that covers up parts of your face that were previously uncovered.
J.D.: Yay! You hurt my feelings!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, which intern are each of you guys gonna choose this year to be your personnal protege/lackey? I'm going with Katie, because she's not a jerk anymore. Plus, we got the same hair.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: At first, I thought I was going to mentor both Neil and Garett, because they always ask me to go roller blading.
Elliot: [to Dr. Cox] Let it go, we don't have the time.
J.D.: And then I thought, why not pick a woman? How about a little feminine energy in my life?
Elliot: Oh, you mean like the kind of energy that seeps out of every pore in your body?
J.D.: Elliot, why?
Elliot: You knew that he was going to say that, I thought that would hurt less coming from me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: It's Ed?
Ed: Sometimes, I go by Big Ed.
Dr. Cox: So, Ed, after you place a central line one that patient, come and find me, and let me know whether or not you killed him.
Ed: Big Ed.

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