Turk: Oh, hello, Mr. Gallbladder. Don't you get too comfy next to Mr. Liver. Because here comes Dr. Turk's robot laser.
Dr. Wen: Hey, Christopher. I could do without the color commentary.
Turk: Why it gotta be a "color commentary"? 'Cause I'm doing it? Just kiddin'.

Dr. Kelso: [horn blares] That ought to keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
Ted: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Dr. Kelso: Stop babbling, Ted. No one's ever listening.

J.D.: Dr. Cox? I could use a little help.
Dr. Cox: Beyonce, you could use a lot of help. But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Guy dealt us. You know, unless you're lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped Queer Eye guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is...

J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart. I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
J.D.: Got it. You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Dr. Cox: No. I'm a good doctor.

J.D.: [v.o.] I think what Carla really smelled was all the excitement in the air. See, there's a visiting professor coming today who's both a medical attending and a surgeon. Two specialties, and to us that kinda makes him... Super-Doc! [Dr. Casey turns around and walks back in again] Super-Doc!
Dr. Casey: Dammit!
J.D.: [v.o.] Fine. A super-doc with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Dr. Casey: Okay, okay. How hard can it be for me to step in here, left foot first and simultaneously exhale as my right foot plants? How hard?
Turk: Not that hard?
Dr. Casey: Exactly. Shaved-head guy.

Dr. Cox: Boy, I never thought I'd see that guy again. I mean, he had to drop out of our residency class because of the God-awful severity of his condition.
J.D.: I can't imagine you as a resident.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox has an ear-ring and blond hair:]
Man: Hey, Coxy!
Dr. Cox: Shut up, jackass! I rock!
[reality:]
J.D.: Was the blond hair and the earring 'cause you were in a rock band or 'cause you loved pirates?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: [v.o.] Loved pirates, just like me.

J.D.: You are unflappable.
Dr. Casey: It's true. I can't be flapped.
J.D.: I'm more skittish.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, you know, you're like a big squirrel. I wish a was a swashbuckling doctor. You know like a pirate.
J.D.: [v.o.] Enough about pirates. Wait until you know him better.
Dr. Casey: Ahoy, there.
J.D.: You going to the, uh, O.Arrr?
J.D.: [v.o.] I said enough.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's weird. After one day it already felt like he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be. Still, I've gotta stay cool; I know I'm prone to hero worship.
Dr. Casey: Man, the surgeon in me is antsy I need to cut somebody up.
[fantasy: Dr. Casey is operating on J.D.'s brain while he's awake:]
Dr. Casey: Thanks for volunteering. I'm not really that strong on the brain. I think this is the language center.
J.D.: Really? 'Cause I don't feel the... [groans] How cool is that?
Dr. Casey: And this is the foreign language center.
J.D.: [French accent] Impossible! Je ne parle Franais!
Dr. Casey: The cow says...
J.D.: Moo.
Dr. Casey: The sheep says...
J.D.: Baa!
Dr. Casey: Ladies and gentlemen, Macaulay Culkin.
[J.D. pulls the "Home Alone" scream face]
[reality:]
J.D.: The French would help with the ladies.

Dr. Casey: J.D., do you wanna get a beer tonight?
J.D.: Do chickens wish they could fly?
Dr. Casey: I have no idea.
J.D.: I like to think they do.
Dr. Casey: So do I.

Dr. Cox: Okay, class. We have a guest with us at rounds today, happens to be an old friend of yours truly so let's all go out of our way to treat him with the respect he deserves. Nnn'kay?
Dr. Casey: Hey, gang. My name is Dr. Kevin Cas-
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I thought we'd change things up a little bit today. Instead of me firing questions at you I'd like to see you all scurry away and get your text books. And when you get back, you actually get to quiz us. A little harmless competition, if my colleague here will consent to it?
Dr. Casey: [yawning] I'm sorry. Are you done with the speechifying? I'm kidding, you frightening bastard.