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37Quotes from ‘My Déjà Vu, My Déjà Vu’

Scrubs: My Déjà Vu, My Déjà Vu

522. My Déjà Vu, My Déjà Vu

Aired May 9, 2006

In his fifth year at the hospital, J.D. set the feeling he's experienced it all before. When Dr. Cox returns to work, Elliot wonders whether he's lost his confidence. Meanwhile, Carla gets annoyed as she watches Turk enjoy things she can't have during pregnancy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Look who's back, Mrs. Goldstein. It's Dr. Cox.
Mrs. Goldstein: How was Acapulco?
Elliot: We told everyone you were in Acapulco.
Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then, I realized that that tactic would never work, as I'd be sent straight to hell, which, I imagine is actually a lot like Acapulco, only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Did you guys just see that? Dr. Cox had to make a decision, he completely froze.
Carla: He's probably just thinking it over, Elliot.
Elliot: He never used to think things over. He would just make gut calls right away.
Dr. Kelso: Listen, Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversized ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old Navy buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand.
J.D.: [v.o.] Again with the déjà vu.
Dr. Kelso: It's because your little theory is way off.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Dude, I'd be a mess if I had to give up my joe. I have a full-blown addiction. Hopefully, that won't come back to haunt me.
[fantasy: a mustachioed J.D. finds a coffee maker under his teenage son's bed:]
J.D.: Where did you get this? Who taught you how to use this thing?
Billy: You, all right? I learned from watching you!
J.D.: Damn it, Billy! At least he's using good beans.
[reality:]
J.D.: Guess I'm gonna look like a porn star when I'm older.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: How's Mrs. Goldstein doing?
Elliot: Fine.
Dr. Cox: OK, lookit. How's about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table? You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump. And I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me.
Elliot: I started an "I hate Cox" chat room. Hasn't really worked out the way I planned. It's me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Today, Dr. Cox was returning back to work after the accidental death of three of his patients. OK, there he is. Just play it cool.
Dr. Cox: What is the latest on Mrs. Riley up in 403?
J.D.: Uh, Mrs. Riley was admitted with shortness of breath and then she developed a...
J.D.: [v.o.] Stay cool. Stay cool. Aw, screw it! [hugs Dr. Cox]
J.D.: You sent those demons right back to hell, didn't you? Straight to hell!

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Or Dr. Cox giving Elliot a hard time.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper's a doctor? Hmm?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: OK, two coins, equals 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. Come on, man, you went to Yale for God's sake!
Troy: Relax. I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny and a button that you wrote "29 cents" on. You think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: How's therapy going?

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: OK, here's a bud clearly in need of nipping. Newbie, there are some things that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them: a cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk, and you actually managing to walk past the food cart without referring to cream cheese as "cow fudge."
J.D.: I like to play with words.
Dr. Cox: However, of all the things there are to make a big deal out of, can my return to this hellhole please, please, please not be one of them?
J.D.: Well, sure thing, Perry. But, uh, there is one problem.
[J.D. unzips his hoodie to reveal a t-shirt reading "Welcome Back Coxer" with a picture of Dr. Cox with a lot of hair. After Dr. Cox opens the doors to the cafeteria, his colleagues start singing:]
All: Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out Welcome back To that same old place that you laughed about
J.D.: Well, the names have all changed since you hung around And them dreams have remained since you turned around
Carla: J.D.
J.D.: That's when the background comes in. [singing] Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Who'd have thought they'd lead you? [talking] That's a run I was gonna do, but now is awkward.
Dr. Cox: It's unbelievable.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] With Sasha back in the scooter shop, I decided to buy a bike and get some exercise. I can't remember what happened to my old bike.
J.D.: Ow.
Dr. Cox: Nice helmet.
J.D.: Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a hair-met. See, it's got extra room built in so you don't mess up your hairdo.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.
J.D.: [v.o.] That's weird. It felt like that had happened before. I guess when you work at a hospital five years, situations are bound to repeat themselves.

Quote from Todd

Nurse: You know, doctor, I'm getting tired of your sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your end-o.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Intern: Dr. Kelso, it's so cold in Pediatrics, the kids are wearing mittens.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How you doing?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Or the Janitor having menace in his eyes.
Nurse Roberts: That looks like trouble.
Janitor: Hey, come here a sec. We want to do stuff to you.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, just distract them before they do what they've got planned.
Janitor: We were thinking-
J.D.: I got a riddle for you.
Troy: This isn't how you said it would go.
Janitor: Troy. We're listening.
Janitor: Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one of them is not a nickel.
Janitor: I feel like I've heard this before. What are they?
J.D.: It's a riddle. You figure it out.
Janitor: Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes. On Oprah, there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder, but on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan. I'm just a little lost here.
J.D.: FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic. It's vintage Lindsay.
Dr. Cox: Oh.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, when you walked away from Mrs. Goldstein anyone could've thought you were in trouble.
Dr. Cox: I had to go the bathroom, Barbie. [whistles] People, from now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr. Reid. It is a pet peeve of hers.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Careful, Turkleton. First, it's no coffee. Next thing you know, she's going to want you in the delivery room, holding her hands while she pushes that little bugger out.
Carla: My man will be there when his baby is born.
Dr. Kelso: Of course he will. It's a different generation. [to Turk] Know this, 90 percent of all childbirths are accompanied by an accidental dookie.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's understandable why I've been feeling so much déjà vu. After five years, it's hard not to feel like you're repeating moments week after week.
Todd: Hey, I gotta run. They're doing a breast reduction on three, and I want to get up there and stop it. You know what I'm talking about!
Dr. Kelso: Son, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?
J.D.: [v.o.] So I guess all you can do is try to notice the subtle differences within those moments. Whether it's Turk's response to the baby stuff Carla makes him do...
Carla: Friday, we have to meet with the baby-proofer at the apartment.
Turk: I can't wait.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or it not bothering Elliot as much when Dr. Cox gives her a hard time.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Julius Erving is a doctor? [Elliot laughs]
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, sometimes, things are gonna repeat themselves in the exact same way.
J.D.: What the hell?
Janitor: It's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar. One of them wasn't me.
J.D.: Oh, that's what happened to my old bike. Ha! Good day, fellas.
Janitor: See you tomorrow. Troy! This one's over.


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