Elliot: Look who's back, Mrs. Goldstein. It's Dr. Cox.
Mrs. Goldstein: How was Acapulco?
Elliot: We told everyone you were in Acapulco.
Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then, I realized that that tactic would never work, as I'd be sent straight to hell, which, I imagine is actually a lot like Acapulco, only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.

Elliot: Did you guys just see that? Dr. Cox had to make a decision, he completely froze.
Carla: He's probably just thinking it over, Elliot.
Elliot: He never used to think things over. He would just make gut calls right away.
Dr. Kelso: Listen, Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversized ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old Navy buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand.
J.D.: [v.o.] Again with the déjà vu.
Dr. Kelso: It's because your little theory is way off.

J.D.: Dude, I'd be a mess if I had to give up my joe. I have a full-blown addiction. Hopefully, that won't come back to haunt me.
[fantasy: a mustachioed J.D. finds a coffee maker under his teenage son's bed:]
J.D.: Where did you get this? Who taught you how to use this thing?
Billy: You, all right? I learned from watching you!
J.D.: Damn it, Billy! At least he's using good beans.
[reality:]
J.D.: Guess I'm gonna look like a porn star when I'm older.

Dr. Cox: How's Mrs. Goldstein doing?
Elliot: Fine.
Dr. Cox: OK, lookit. How's about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table? You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump. And I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me.
Elliot: I started an "I hate Cox" chat room. Hasn't really worked out the way I planned. It's me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.

J.D.: [v.o.] Today, Dr. Cox was returning back to work after the accidental death of three of his patients. OK, there he is. Just play it cool.
Dr. Cox: What is the latest on Mrs. Riley up in 403?
J.D.: Uh, Mrs. Riley was admitted with shortness of breath and then she developed a...
J.D.: [v.o.] Stay cool. Stay cool. Aw, screw it! [hugs Dr. Cox]
J.D.: You sent those demons right back to hell, didn't you? Straight to hell!

J.D.: [v.o.] Or Dr. Cox giving Elliot a hard time.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper's a doctor? Hmm?

Janitor: OK, two coins, equals 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. Come on, man, you went to Yale for God's sake!
Troy: Relax. I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny and a button that you wrote "29 cents" on. You think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: How's therapy going?

Dr. Cox: OK, here's a bud clearly in need of nipping. Newbie, there are some things that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them: a cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk, and you actually managing to walk past the food cart without referring to cream cheese as "cow fudge."
J.D.: I like to play with words.
Dr. Cox: However, of all the things there are to make a big deal out of, can my return to this hellhole please, please, please not be one of them?
J.D.: Well, sure thing, Perry. But, uh, there is one problem.
[J.D. unzips his hoodie to reveal a t-shirt reading "Welcome Back Coxer" with a picture of Dr. Cox with a lot of hair. After Dr. Cox opens the doors to the cafeteria, his colleagues start singing:]
All: Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out Welcome back To that same old place that you laughed about
J.D.: Well, the names have all changed since you hung around And them dreams have remained since you turned around
Carla: J.D.
J.D.: That's when the background comes in. [singing] Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Who'd have thought they'd lead you? [talking] That's a run I was gonna do, but now is awkward.
Dr. Cox: It's unbelievable.

J.D.: [v.o.] With Sasha back in the scooter shop, I decided to buy a bike and get some exercise. I can't remember what happened to my old bike.
J.D.: Ow.
Dr. Cox: Nice helmet.
J.D.: Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a hair-met. See, it's got extra room built in so you don't mess up your hairdo.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.
J.D.: [v.o.] That's weird. It felt like that had happened before. I guess when you work at a hospital five years, situations are bound to repeat themselves.

Nurse: You know, doctor, I'm getting tired of your sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your end-o.