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31Quotes from ‘My Jiggly Ball’

Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball

504. My Jiggly Ball

Aired January 10, 2006

Elliot refuses to allow Carla, Turk and J.D. to help her get her job back at Sacred Heart. J.D. struggles to find the positive in Dr. Kelso after he's asked to introduce him at a banquet. Meanwhile, J.D. is the only one at the hospital who doesn't seem to have heard of the game Jiggly Ball.

Quote from Turk

Turk: It's true, Mr. Keck, you could probably get by without the surgery. But why would you? I'm the smartest, most skilled surgeon in this place.
Mr. Keck: Are you stuck in that candy machine?
Turk: I paid for my Rolos, I'm getting my Rolos.

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Quote from Turk

Carla: If J.D. were drowning and said he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Turk: That depends. What if there are hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
Carla: Let's say there's no women.
Turk: There's always women at the pool, Baby.
Carla: Fine. He's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond. They're infamous for serpents.
Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays, men only.
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Carla: Fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
Turk: Oh, so now a brother can't swim?!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Carla: Oh, my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Alrighty, you're gonna go first. Please enter the jiggly circle. Everybody else, on my signal, prepare to throw.
J.D.: Throw?
Janitor: Now.
[J.D. is pounded with tennis balls by the hospital staff]
Janitor: Now, anyone who caught a jiggle rebound may step up to the death line.
Nurse Roberts: I want you to think of this as a corn muffin.
[J.D. whimpers as Nurse Roberts throws a tennis ball at him from point-blank range]
J.D.: [to the Janitor] There is no such thing as Jiggly Ball, is there?
Janitor: No.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Moving on. This Friday, I am receiving an award from the AMA.
Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year. Don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone to Kill Ya, Stuff Ya and Leave by My Bed, So When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face... of the Year.
Dr. Kelso: And we're back.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Check it out, Keith's telling Mr. Morrison about his brain tumor.
J.D.: [v.o.] Seeing an intern tell someone they're gonna die for the first time is strange because even though it's a horrible and sad experience, if they get through it, there's a sense of accomplishment.
Keith: Nailed it! Hell, yeah!
J.D.: Good job, man. What'd you say?
Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now. [J.D. and Turk both groan] What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there's something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
[The patient happily waves to J.D., Turk and Keith]
J.D.: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the word "die." Dead, dying, deadsies, Deadwood, your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Ted: Gather round, people! Dr. Kelso has an announcement to make!
Dr. Kelso: That'll be all, Ted. You can go back to doing what you were doing.
Ted: It was my day off.
Dr. Kelso: Due to lack of funds, I'm shutting down our baby-mobile, which means there will no longer be free prenatal care for underprivileged women. Bottom line: If you're thinking about knocking up a homeless gal, I'd do it this weekend. [A bearded doctor laughs] Thank you, Colonel Doctor.
Doctor: Excuse me?
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry. I don't know your name, and you look like that Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: So I have to introduce Kelso. Big whoop.
Dr. Cox: I don't think you understand the predicament you are in here. Kelso expects a long, glowing testimonial, the kind that make men cheer and women- What is it that women do, Newbie?
J.D.: How the hell would I know?
J.D.: [v.o.] They swoon.
Dr. Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, all your fellow attendings will think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice that's actually true.
Dr. Cox: You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. OK?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Everyone has a human side, Coxie. Even Kelso.
Nurse Roberts: The hell he does. I remember a flu epidemic, we lost half a dozen children in one day. The second Kelso's foot hits the bottom of those stairs, he doesn't have a care in the world.
J.D.: You know, Laverne, I'm a doctor. So I'm not really gonna take my psychological evaluations from someone who dispenses them in between Maury and eating a corn muffin.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, that was too mean. Apologize.
J.D.: Laverne, I- Ah, the hell with it. She's not gonna forgive you. Go for broke! I was watching CNN earlier. Apparently the terror alert in your armpits has been elevated to orange. Oh, no, he didn't. Yes, Laverne, he did.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: "Laverne, I'm a doctor." You're a bit of a know-it-all, aren't you?
J.D.: Well, I know a lot.
Janitor: Yeah? Who was Deep Throat?
J.D.: Mark Felt, the FBI guy. That's been all over the news for months.
Janitor: Oh, sorry, rich boy. My TV doesn't get the news. Just The Bible Channel and some kind of Chinese boxing. I bet you don't know how to play Jiggly Ball.
J.D.: That's because there's no such thing.
Janitor: Ha ha, I knew you didn't know.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] I know if I just follow Dr. Kelso around for a while, he'll eventually do something decent. I'm a master of stealth, I can sneak up on anybody.
Dr. Kelso: Why are you following me?
J.D.: Sir, aren't you being a little paranoid?
Dr. Kelso: I was in 'Nam, you know. They pulled off my fingernails.
J.D.: When did you get an earring?
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Enid, I'm not cheating on you. This earring is mine. [with a bloody ear] See?
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: It's a hip-hop world, son. Keep up or get out of the way.
J.D.: [v.o.] I gotta get an earring.

Quote from Elliot

Mr. Keck: I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Turk: Well, you're just going to have to get him on the phone and tell him I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap! Gimme some!
J.D.: Ho!
Elliot: [on the phone] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [on the phone] Yeah.
Elliot: All right, now repeat after me...
Mr. Keck: You can't decide for me, that's not your duty.
Elliot: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
Mr. Keck: Yeah. [to Turk and J.D.] Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
Turk: [on the phone] Who the hell is this?
Man: Where are my shoelaces?
Elliot: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive. Was that so hard?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop's heartbeat.
Keith: Sorry, Mr. Morrison.
Dr. Cox: Keith! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Ah, checking Mr. Countertop's heart rate. [slams folders down] Memories. Do you know that, once, Dr.
Cox made me give every AC unit in this hospital a Pap smear? The wacky thing was room 403 did have some yeast issues.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: So this is where germs are born.
Elliot: I cannot believe that you told these guys.
Turk: Elliot, she didn't. My patient told me that his clinic doctor was this blonde-haired woman who talked so fast and in such a high-pitched voice when she was upset, her words just eventually became gibberish.
Elliot: I really do not talk like that. I'm getting tired of you guys constantly saying...
Carla: Elliot, nobody but me can understand you.
Elliot: [high-pitched squeal]
Carla: That's just Turk, you know that's how he is.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: There was one spot open in the study. I gave it to the rich guy because with the money he's now donating, I can reopen the prenatal unit.
Dr. Cox: What really bothers me is that you can look in there at John Morrison, a guy that you essentially gave a death sentence to and just not care.
Dr. Kelso: It's not my job to care, Perry.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?
Janitor: No. I'm busy cleaning. [all laugh] That one always kills.
J.D.: You remember earlier when I told you I'd never heard of Jiggly Ball? I was joking. I play it all the time.
Janitor: I like this. It's an idiot handle.
J.D.: Get off.
Janitor: As it happens, we're heading out right now to play some Jiggly Ball. Are you in?
J.D.: [v.o.] Just say no.
J.D.: Jiggle me in.


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