Turk: It's true, Mr. Keck, you could probably get by without the surgery. But why would you? I'm the smartest, most skilled surgeon in this place.
Mr. Keck: Are you stuck in that candy machine?
Turk: I paid for my Rolos, I'm getting my Rolos.

Carla: If J.D. were drowning and said he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Turk: That depends. What if there are hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
Carla: Let's say there's no women.
Turk: There's always women at the pool, Baby.
Carla: Fine. He's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond. They're infamous for serpents.
Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays, men only.
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Carla: Fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
Turk: Oh, so now a brother can't swim?!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Carla: Oh, my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.

Janitor: Alrighty, you're gonna go first. Please enter the jiggly circle. Everybody else, on my signal, prepare to throw.
J.D.: Throw?
Janitor: Now.
[J.D. is pounded with tennis balls by the hospital staff]
Janitor: Now, anyone who caught a jiggle rebound may step up to the death line.
Nurse Roberts: I want you to think of this as a corn muffin.
[J.D. whimpers as Nurse Roberts throws a tennis ball at him from point-blank range]
J.D.: [to the Janitor] There is no such thing as Jiggly Ball, is there?
Janitor: No.

Dr. Kelso: Moving on. This Friday, I am receiving an award from the AMA.
Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year. Don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone to Kill Ya, Stuff Ya and Leave by My Bed, So When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face... of the Year.
Dr. Kelso: And we're back.

Turk: Check it out, Keith's telling Mr. Morrison about his brain tumor.
J.D.: [v.o.] Seeing an intern tell someone they're gonna die for the first time is strange because even though it's a horrible and sad experience, if they get through it, there's a sense of accomplishment.
Keith: Nailed it! Hell, yeah!
J.D.: Good job, man. What'd you say?
Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now. [J.D. and Turk both groan] What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there's something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
[The patient happily waves to J.D., Turk and Keith]
J.D.: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the word "die." Dead, dying, deadsies, Deadwood, your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.

Ted: Gather round, people! Dr. Kelso has an announcement to make!
Dr. Kelso: That'll be all, Ted. You can go back to doing what you were doing.
Ted: It was my day off.
Dr. Kelso: Due to lack of funds, I'm shutting down our baby-mobile, which means there will no longer be free prenatal care for underprivileged women. Bottom line: If you're thinking about knocking up a homeless gal, I'd do it this weekend. [A bearded doctor laughs] Thank you, Colonel Doctor.
Doctor: Excuse me?
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry. I don't know your name, and you look like that Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.

J.D.: So I have to introduce Kelso. Big whoop.
Dr. Cox: I don't think you understand the predicament you are in here. Kelso expects a long, glowing testimonial, the kind that make men cheer and women- What is it that women do, Newbie?
J.D.: How the hell would I know?
J.D.: [v.o.] They swoon.
Dr. Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, all your fellow attendings will think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice that's actually true.
Dr. Cox: You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. OK?

J.D.: Everyone has a human side, Coxie. Even Kelso.
Nurse Roberts: The hell he does. I remember a flu epidemic, we lost half a dozen children in one day. The second Kelso's foot hits the bottom of those stairs, he doesn't have a care in the world.
J.D.: You know, Laverne, I'm a doctor. So I'm not really gonna take my psychological evaluations from someone who dispenses them in between Maury and eating a corn muffin.
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, that was too mean. Apologize.
J.D.: Laverne, I- Ah, the hell with it. She's not gonna forgive you. Go for broke! I was watching CNN earlier. Apparently the terror alert in your armpits has been elevated to orange. Oh, no, he didn't. Yes, Laverne, he did.

Janitor: "Laverne, I'm a doctor." You're a bit of a know-it-all, aren't you?
J.D.: Well, I know a lot.
Janitor: Yeah? Who was Deep Throat?
J.D.: Mark Felt, the FBI guy. That's been all over the news for months.
Janitor: Oh, sorry, rich boy. My TV doesn't get the news. Just The Bible Channel and some kind of Chinese boxing. I bet you don't know how to play Jiggly Ball.
J.D.: That's because there's no such thing.
Janitor: Ha ha, I knew you didn't know.

J.D.: [v.o.] I know if I just follow Dr. Kelso around for a while, he'll eventually do something decent. I'm a master of stealth, I can sneak up on anybody.
Dr. Kelso: Why are you following me?
J.D.: Sir, aren't you being a little paranoid?
Dr. Kelso: I was in 'Nam, you know. They pulled off my fingernails.
J.D.: When did you get an earring?
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Enid, I'm not cheating on you. This earring is mine. [with a bloody ear] See?
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: It's a hip-hop world, son. Keep up or get out of the way.
J.D.: [v.o.] I gotta get an earring.