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42Quotes from ‘My Long Goodbye’

Scrubs: My Long Goodbye

615. My Long Goodbye

Aired April 5, 2007

With Nurse Roberts in a coma and showing no signs of waking up, everyone comes to say their goodbyes, except Carla. When Jordan announces she's having a C-section today, Dr. Cox is reluctant to have the birth of his daughter associated with Laverne's death.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: What the hell am I gonna do?
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately for Dr. Cox, that's when Elliot walked by and showcased her oddest talent.
Elliot: Somebody just had a baby.
Dr. Cox: How do you know?
[fantasy:]
Elliot: My uterus is glowing.
J.D.: My mom had an uterus. I lived in it.

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Quote from Carla

J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when Carla knew what she had to do.
Nurse Roberts: [imaginary] Go on, girl. You can do it.
Carla: [sighs] Wow, I'm still not ready to do this. [sighs] It's gonna be so weird not having you by my side every day. Making fun of the doctors, going on and on about Jesus. Man, I hope he's real or you're gonna be pissed. Remember my first day, when that patient came in and started bleeding out on me? I was so shocked I could barely move. But you stood by my side and you guided me through it. And then you did the most amazing thing of all. You made me laugh. [sighs] For the last 15 years, you've been my role model, but most of all you've been my friend. And I don't know what else to say, except I'm really, really gonna miss you. [sighs] Goodbye.
[Carla looks back and no longer sees Laverne standing with her]
Turk: Come on, baby.
J.D.: [v.o.] You can ask any doctor, sometimes it seems like patients just hang on until everyone's had a chance to say goodbye.

Quote from Turk

Turk: You know, Laverne, if this was a horror flick I'd be so scared that I was next. Huh, they always kill the black folks off first. Now, I'm not really worried about it, 'cause there's still Snoop Dogg resident, and Leonard the security guard and... You know, when you think about it, this is a white-ass hospital. I'm gonna miss you. So, you take care, okay?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I probably should have should have said this to you before, but you always impressed me. Your compassion, your faith. And you didn't get mad at me when I insisted that I should be the lifeguard at your above-ground pool party, even after I made it painfully obvious that I'm not a strong swimmer. If you see your dog up there, please tell him I'm sorry.
Carla: What are you doing?
Janitor: I wanted to share a few words before she passes through the golden doors of Valhalla.
Carla: What now?
Janitor: I converted to the Norse religion a few years ago. It just made sense.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: You've taught me so much over the years, Laverne. Like how to place an IV without bruising, or how to get lab results back faster, or the fact that when white people come in out of the rain we smell like wet dog. We do. We really do. Um I, uh, went to your desk, and got your favorite makeup, You're such a beautiful woman, Laverne. You always deserve to look your best.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Laverne was brain-dead, so when her family decided to take her off life support all we could do was to wait for her body to give up. I couldn't help but think of the first time I had dealt with death and how Laverne had been there for me.
[flashback to "My First Day":]
Nurse Roberts: No way anyone could have called it. Anyhow, you have to pronounce it.
J.D.: Why didn't anybody page me?
Nurse Roberts: Could you just pronounce him so I go home?
[present:]
J.D.: You can finally go home, Laverne.
Nurse Roberts: [imaginary] Oh, he did not just say that. Too cheesy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: This maybe a strange question, but... Have you ever had the memory of someone follow you around, kinda like a ghost?
Dr. Cox: No, but then again, I'm a sane person.
Jill Tracy: [imaginary] Liar! Hi, Dr. Cox, I got pregnant in heaven. Who knew that could happen?
Dr. Cox: Come on.

Quote from Elliot

Turk: Hey, uh, baby? Laverne is getting weaker by the minute and we thought you might wanna come back up.
Carla: I don't know.
Elliot: You know, Carla, when I was 12 years old, I had this math teacher, Mr. Crane. Anyway, he used to give us these pop quizzes all the time. Not about math, they were literally quizzes about soda pops. So, once, the question was: "What was Mountain Dew's original name?" So, I wrote my "Mountain Mist" and then my best friend, Cindy MacNamara, cheated off my paper but it was the wrong answer, because it was a trick question. Mountain Dew was always called Mountain Dew. Although, little known fact, Mr. Pibb originally called "Senor Brown Water". Th- The point is, Sandy got the answer wrong, she failed the course and she had to go to a dumb girl school. I never even got to sign her yearbook.
Turk: Okay. Um, I'm just guessing, but what I think Elliot's saying is that you should probably say goodbye to the people you care about when you have the chance.
Elliot: Yeah.
Nurse Roberts: [imaginary] Maybe, that's why you're imaging me here, because you don't wanna do that. I'm just going to shut up.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Others resorted to childish mischief.
J.D.: I love mailbox baseball. Here comes his house.
Turk: I've been wanting to do this for 6 years!
[Turk hits Dr. Kelso's mail box with a baseball bat, but the structure stands firm. Turk is knocked off J.D.'s scooter and falls to the road.]
Dr. Kelso: Nice try, Turkleton. But Enid kept taking out the mailbox with the motor-home, so I had it reinforced with titanium. [dings]
Turk: Aah!
Dr. Kelso: Beautiful morning.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: [v.o.] And some people just need to do something impulsive.
Dr. Cox: There. Nobody liked my haircut so now they can all just suck it.
Jordan: Yeah, you win. God, I can't believe I'm getting my C-section today.
Dr. Cox: Did... Did you forget to tell anyone?
Jordan: No, I told the nanny to stay overnight and my mom booked a flight for next week, and I'm meeting the OB at the hospital in 2 hours.
Dr. Cox: No.
Jordan: Did I not tell you?
Dr. Cox: You did not!
Jordan: I could have sworn I texted you. Well, it's for the best, 'cause if you knew you just would get all panicky and annoying. And this way you only have to freak out for a couple of hours, most of which I'll be unconscious. Kind of like our honeymoon.
Dr. Cox: Except this time, when you wake up, you'll have a baby girl in your arms instead of the Bolivian limbo champion.
Jordan: Oh, Marco, what a cheeky monkey! How come we don't travel anymore?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I wish there was an easier way to bring bad news to people.
[fantasy:]
Man: So what's wrong with me doc?
J.D.: Mr. Gubard, I think it would be best if we brought in the bad news robot.
Robot: Hello, random patient. You have cancer. Press 1 for a reassuring pep talk. Press 2 to give up. You pressed 1 for a reassuring pep talk. You are strong. You can beat this. Beat this, beat this, beat this, beat this. [explodes]
J.D.: Stupid robot!
Robot: Ow.
[later:]
J.D.: I'm so sorry but your father has had a massive system's failure.
Young Robot: Oh daddy, no.
J.D.: It started in his hard drive and then worked its way to all the other circuits. I know this is a very difficult time for you.
[The young robot fires a laser beam at J.D., incinerating him. The robot comes over and vacuums J.D.'s ashes up]
[reality:]
J.D.: Sure, disintegrate the messenger.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Checking in on her?
Elliot: Just want to make sure she knows how much I care about her.
Carla: As long as you're not saying goodbye. I mean, people have come back from worse. Remember Mr.
Chuang? Slipped into a coma in 1984, woke up last month.
[flashback to a moonwalking patient, wearing a "Thriller" jacket and white glove, solving a Rubik's cube:]
Mr. Chuang: Hey, ladies. Where's the beef?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: So, Bob, uh, how's Laverne doing?
Dr. Kelso: No change. She's still unresponsive. Are you on call tonight or will you be busy fighting Superman? You look like Lex Luthor.
Dr. Cox: I got it.

Quote from Ted

Ted: You know, she once told me I'd have a happy life. And she said it with a straight face.

Quote from Todd

Todd: You were the one woman I'd never do, cause I respect you too much. And you're kind of a big gal. But if doing you right now could help, I would.

Quote from Carla

Carla: That's it, no more goodbyes, okay? She's not getting any better, but she is not getting any worst either. No more.
Nurse Roberts: [imaginary] Mmm-hmm! I sure love it when you get your sass on, girl.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: How is she? How's the baby?
Dr. Matthews: We got your daughter into the NICU and her lungs are great. Like we discussed, she'll need another surgery in a couple of moths, but all in all, everything is better than we could have hoped for.
Dr. Cox: Listen, Doc, we're not comfortable letting people see our emotional moments, so if you just turn around for a second, that'll be great.
[Dr. Cox and Jordan fist-bump]
Jordan: Okay, we're good.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Per, I am drugged upon painkillers, I've ironed my hair, I've got that brand new picture of the baby, I am ready for the flood of well-wishers.
Dr. Cox: Uh, buttercup, this is not our child.
Jordan: Yeah, our still looks like a lizard. I got this off the internet. I think it's some baby that Luke Wilson had with a hooker.
Dr. Cox: Fantastic. I'm gonna go and spread the word.
Jordan: Look at you, squish-nose.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I'm not telling anyone that my daughter has been born.
Jordan: But you just told Jordan that you gonna.
Dr. Cox: Yes, and that's what we call a lie, or when you're married communication. Come on, Newbie, you and I both know Laverne is not gonna be around a whole lot longer. And I know this reasoning is about as rational as your parents actually thinking they could raise you as a boy, but... I don't want the birth of my child to be forever associated with her death. That's why I'm not gonna tell anybody anything until after she passes.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Would you just do me a favor and go away?
Nurse Roberts: [imaginary] I'm an extension of your psyche. All you have to do is close your eyes and think me away.
Carla: Okay. [closes eyes, opens them] I can see your crouching under the table.
Nurse Roberts: Damn.


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