J.D.: You know what's so messed up about this whole baby thing? I mean, I feel like I'm drowning, and it hasn't even fazed Kim.
[meanwhile, Kim is crying as she operates on a patient:]
Kim: [sobbing] Okay, let's, uh, close her up.
Nurse: Dr. Briggs? Why are you crying?
Kim: This song always gets me. My brother was killed by a funky cold medina.

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! Quick question: What does this outfit tell you?
Dr. Kelso: You are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?
Dr. Cox: It means that I was just working out which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as "me time." Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I'm here, and I'm totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.
Intern #1: Mr. White's chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine. Should we leave one?
Dr. Cox: That's it. Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways until I say stop. [interns laugh] Ya! Ya! Ya, ya, ya! Ya!

[The Janitor sprays a window with blue cleaning fluid and wipes it. He then aims the spray in his mouth. Dr. Kelso takes a second look as he passes by.]
Janitor: I filled it with blue Gatorade. I just do that to freak people out.
Dr. Kelso: Scintillating.

Carla: J.D. needs us right now, okay? So this is what we're gonna do: Dr. Cox, you're backing off. Elliot, you go talk to him.
Elliot: Can't wait to talk to J.D. Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin' hospital, other than me, is having a baby. I mean, seriously, having a baby, having a baby, having a second baby! Or having her husband's best friend's baby! That's right, Mona, everyone knows! What are you looking at, Dr. Beardface? You want a kid? Cause I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Dr. Beardface: It's Beardfacé, dammit!

Turk: I'm downloading 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye". When that bad boy starts a-jumpin I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it. I'm bringing it back.
Elliot: Just like you brought back Pop-Rocks?
Turk: Teddy boy!
Ted: [crackles]
Elliot: Yeah, well, you're not as big a trend-setter as you think you are. Right, Keith?
Keith: [crackles]

Janitor: Say, since we're small talking, let me let me ask you a question: Do you have any regrets about the way you lived your life? Cause I think I do.
Dr. Kelso: You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?
Janitor: Oh! Haha, good one. No, that's not it. Come on, be straight with me. Do you think I'm wasting my life?
Dr. Kelso: Let's cut to the chase, freak-show. If you're a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way. Good talk!

Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
Jack: No, I didn't!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Jordan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!
Jack: Nobody does, Perry! [throws his spaghetti at his father]
[later that night, Dr. Cox tucks Jack into bed:]
Dr. Cox: All right, champ. Just in case you get hungry later on. [drops spaghetti on Jack's face]

Jordan: Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can't.

J.D.: Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen the inside of your apartment before.
Kim: Said the father of my unborn child. Heh! That was a joke. Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"
J.D.: Well, that's different, Kim, that's hilarious. This is life-changing.
Kim: We can get through this.
J.D.: You know what else is pretty classic, when the coffee guy asks for money, you say: "Sorry, my wallet's in my other pair of mocha-chinos." That always gets 'em.
Kim: [pager beeps] Ah, dammit. I have to go to the hospital.
J.D.: Scone is also a--a funny word, but I don't like them, I prefer croissants.

Janitor: Hey, Mojambo. This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?
J.D.: There's no flag up there.
Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof, catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eyepatch, go to work with a caulk-gun, seal her up, make her watertight, I can take her out to sea.
J.D.: Are you insane?
Janitor: Nah. I'm a pirate.
J.D.: Whatever. I'm- I'm not saluting a pole!
Janitor: And so it begins again.