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37Quotes from ‘My Mirror Image’

Scrubs: My Mirror Image

601. My Mirror Image

Aired November 30, 2006

J.D., Dr. Cox and the Janitor see a bit of themselves in hospital patients: J.D. struggles to accept the life-changing news that Kim is pregnant, Dr. Cox's anger is causing problems at home, and the Janitor is caught up on finding new ways to torture J.D. Meanwhile, Elliot is upset that she's seemingly the only person in the hospital who isn't expecting a child.

Quote from Kim

J.D.: You know what's so messed up about this whole baby thing? I mean, I feel like I'm drowning, and it hasn't even fazed Kim.
[meanwhile, Kim is crying as she operates on a patient:]
Kim: [sobbing] Okay, let's, uh, close her up.
Nurse: Dr. Briggs? Why are you crying?
Kim: This song always gets me. My brother was killed by a funky cold medina.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! Quick question: What does this outfit tell you?
Dr. Kelso: You are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?
Dr. Cox: It means that I was just working out which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as "me time." Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I'm here, and I'm totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.
Intern #1: Mr. White's chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine. Should we leave one?
Dr. Cox: That's it. Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways until I say stop. [interns laugh] Ya! Ya! Ya, ya, ya! Ya!

Quote from Janitor

[The Janitor sprays a window with blue cleaning fluid and wipes it. He then aims the spray in his mouth. Dr. Kelso takes a second look as he passes by.]
Janitor: I filled it with blue Gatorade. I just do that to freak people out.
Dr. Kelso: Scintillating.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: J.D. needs us right now, okay? So this is what we're gonna do: Dr. Cox, you're backing off. Elliot, you go talk to him.
Elliot: Can't wait to talk to J.D. Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin' hospital, other than me, is having a baby. I mean, seriously, having a baby, having a baby, having a second baby! Or having her husband's best friend's baby! That's right, Mona, everyone knows! What are you looking at, Dr. Beardface? You want a kid? Cause I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Dr. Beardface: It's Beardfacé, dammit!

Quote from Turk

Turk: I'm downloading 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye". When that bad boy starts a-jumpin I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it. I'm bringing it back.
Elliot: Just like you brought back Pop-Rocks?
Turk: Teddy boy!
Ted: [crackles]
Elliot: Yeah, well, you're not as big a trend-setter as you think you are. Right, Keith?
Keith: [crackles]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Janitor: Say, since we're small talking, let me let me ask you a question: Do you have any regrets about the way you lived your life? Cause I think I do.
Dr. Kelso: You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?
Janitor: Oh! Haha, good one. No, that's not it. Come on, be straight with me. Do you think I'm wasting my life?
Dr. Kelso: Let's cut to the chase, freak-show. If you're a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way. Good talk!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
Jack: No, I didn't!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Jordan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!
Jack: Nobody does, Perry! [throws his spaghetti at his father]
[later that night, Dr. Cox tucks Jack into bed:]
Dr. Cox: All right, champ. Just in case you get hungry later on. [drops spaghetti on Jack's face]

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can't.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen the inside of your apartment before.
Kim: Said the father of my unborn child. Heh! That was a joke. Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"
J.D.: Well, that's different, Kim, that's hilarious. This is life-changing.
Kim: We can get through this.
J.D.: You know what else is pretty classic, when the coffee guy asks for money, you say: "Sorry, my wallet's in my other pair of mocha-chinos." That always gets 'em.
Kim: [pager beeps] Ah, dammit. I have to go to the hospital.
J.D.: Scone is also a--a funny word, but I don't like them, I prefer croissants.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey, Mojambo. This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?
J.D.: There's no flag up there.
Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof, catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eyepatch, go to work with a caulk-gun, seal her up, make her watertight, I can take her out to sea.
J.D.: Are you insane?
Janitor: Nah. I'm a pirate.
J.D.: Whatever. I'm- I'm not saluting a pole!
Janitor: And so it begins again.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Dude, please tell me you're not comparing getting cancer to knocking up your girlfriend.
J.D.: I was trying to! You can't pawn your personal stuff off on your patients! What about you and the motorcycle accident guy?
[flashback to Turk talking with a patient:]
Turk: So get this: My pregnant wife has decided that it's okay to steal my pillow in the middle of the night and sleep with it in between her legs!
Patient: When am I going in to surgery? Oh, we can't start the surgery until the troopers find your foot.
[present:]
Turk: That was different. He said, "What's up?"

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya. I mean, God's sake, he could run all day.
Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues?
Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to by law remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Okay, on the night of said conception, uh, Kim and I nuded up, and, um, the dirty talk began, and I got a little over-excited.
Turk: Ooh! She like-a the dirty talk!
J.D.: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going, but I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
Elliot: He does.
J.D.: Anyhoo, there was some unexpected friendly fire. And, even though I never got a chance to enter "the village", uh, there was a "airstrike" on one of the outlying regions. [Turk laughs, until Carla's tugs his ear] Anyway, I spoke to the gals up in OB-G, and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Turk: [strained] What you trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
J.D.: No, I didn't have a condom. [Turk, Carla and Elliot stifle laughter] And, uh, we decided not to have sex because... Here's the kicker. I didn't want to get her pregnant.
[Turk, Carla and Elliot break out laughing]

Quote from Turk

Kim: You seen J.D.?
[As J.D. hides in the car's footwell, he shakes his head to Turk]
Turk: I have not.
Kim: Any idea where he is?
[J.D. performs an elaborate gesture]
Turk: Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street.
J.D.: [v.o.] I can't believe he got that! We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday!
[Turk smiles at J.D.]
Kim: Come on, Turk, where is he?
Turk: You know, Kim, I'm sorry but I really have no idea.
[Turk stretches his arms like he's yawning, pointing to J.D.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Traitor!
[J.D. uses his head to hit the accelerater pedal]

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: Hey, space-wasters, why haven't any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy?
Elliot: [quietly] Hey, let's try to use our inside voice around the interns. We don't want to scare them.
Dr. Cox: What kind of new crazy is this?
Carla: Oh, Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies.
Elliot: [baby talk] Oops, Jakey. Somebody's got a little smudgie on his face. There you go.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Dude, what the hell am I supposed to tell Kim when she asks why I drove off like that?
J.D.: Tell her you hate white chicks. And then when she says, "No you don't," you say, "I mean White Chicks the movie. Not a fan of those Wayans brothers." Then she'll laugh and forget why she was mad at you.
Turk: You're right! That'll work.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: You have no idea what I'm going through.
Turk: Really? Cause the last time I checked, I was having a kid, too.
J.D.: Yeah, that you planned with your wife, whose middle name you know. It's Juanita, Turk! Carla's middle name is Juanita!
Turk: I knew it was something Puerto Rican.


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