J.D.: [v.o.] And I was having problems with my lady too.
Nurse Roberts: Can we get a move on, Q-Tip? I got tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk and I don't want to miss the noise.

Todd: Push it out. Two more. Come on, kid. Bitchin' reps.
Dr. Cox: A dumb-ass says what?
Todd: What?
Dr. Cox: I said, "A dumb-ass says what?"
Todd: What?

Carla: Bambi, these tests are gonna come back negative. Believe me, everybody who works in a hospital eventually gets stuck.
J.D.: Thanks for being so nice to me.
Carla: Who wouldn't be nice to you right now?
Dr. Kelso: Hello, Dr. Dorian, I understand you might need a refresher course in hospital safety. This is a syringe. When filled with infected blood, where is the last place you might want to stick it?
J.D.: In my arm.
Dr. Kelso: Very good, Dr. Dorian.

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know what it is, but I'm starting to notice something. In this hospital, there are sick people everywhere.

Dr. Kelso: You're a jumpy little fellow, aren't you, sport? Well, anyway, your blood tests are negative, so you're fine. And I think I speak for the entire administration when I say "whoop-de-do".

Dr. Kelso: Wrap it up for me, Ned. [exits]
Ted: It's Ted.
J.D.: I know.
Ted: I know a guy who can take care of him for us. [J.D. and Ted laugh] One phone call.

Janitor: Hey, I thought about what you said before, and, um, you're right. I haven't been that nice.
J.D.: And?
Janitor: That's it. What, do you want to go to a ballgame and share a big tub of popcorn?
[As J.D. walks away, the Janitor removes two tickets from his pocket]
Janitor: That's the last time I reach out. Anybody want to go to a... Not you.

J.D.: I want my meningitis patient back.
Dr. Cox: No. Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to date me?
J.D.: Why'd you let me switch patients with you?
Dr. Cox: Because you asked me to. Oh, and because of your puppy-dog eyes.
J.D.: No, see, you're full of it. You knew I was scared. Why didn't you just tell me to go in there and deal with it?
Dr. Cox: Well, gosh, Newbie. I don't know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn't had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn't have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don't know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is I didn't feel like spelling it out for you. And I know, I know, you want your little speech, and that's fine, because here it is. You're a doctor. You might get sick.
Get over it.
J.D.: Thank you. Now, can I have my patient back?
Dr. Cox: No. Because, aside from his weird Judy Blume obsession, I like him. You will be delousing Mr. Schaffer. Guy's like flypaper.
J.D.: Fantastic.
Dr. Cox: And, Belinda, do you know what else is real contagious? A big ol' smile!

J.D.: [v.o.] You know, when you start med school, they warn you that you're gonna have to make sacrifices. But I guess that means different things to different people. Like giving up something you really want now for something you've wanted your whole life. Or spending less time on yourself so you can spend more time with someone you love. At some point, you might even have to give up your own sense of safety and well being. But after a while, it doesn't feel like you're giving up anything at all.
Mr. Winston: Hey, doc.
J.D.: You know what? Let's talk Superfudge.

Ted: Ooh, Mr. Sarcastic strikes again. For God's sake, sir, just fire me.
Dr. Kelso: Just get him to sign the damn paper.
J.D.: What's this?
Ted: If you develop any symptoms that suggest you may have contracted hepatitis B, this form states the hospital is not responsible.
J.D.: Thanks. That's comforting.
Ted: I'm sure you'll be fine.
J.D.: Here's your pen.
Ted: Uh... Keep it.