Previous Episode Next Episode 

39Quotes from ‘My Sacrificial Clam’

Scrubs: My Sacrificial Clam

121. My Sacrificial Clam

Aired April 30, 2002

J.D. becomes nervous around the hospital after he's stuck by a needle containing a patient's blood. On top of a case of highly contagious meningococcus, J.D. treats four doctors with Legionairre's disease (guest stars Ed Begley, Jr., William Daniels, Stephen Furst and Eric Laneuville of St. Elsewhere). 

Meanwhile, Turk decides to start working out with Dr. Cox after Carla points out he's gained weight, and Elliot struggles to keep up with work as she gets more serious with Sean (Scott Foley).

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [v.o.] And I was having problems with my lady too.
Nurse Roberts: Can we get a move on, Q-Tip? I got tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk and I don't want to miss the noise.

Rate

Quote from Todd

Todd: Push it out. Two more. Come on, kid. Bitchin' reps.
Dr. Cox: A dumb-ass says what?
Todd: What?
Dr. Cox: I said, "A dumb-ass says what?"
Todd: What?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Bambi, these tests are gonna come back negative. Believe me, everybody who works in a hospital eventually gets stuck.
J.D.: Thanks for being so nice to me.
Carla: Who wouldn't be nice to you right now?
Dr. Kelso: Hello, Dr. Dorian, I understand you might need a refresher course in hospital safety. This is a syringe. When filled with infected blood, where is the last place you might want to stick it?
J.D.: In my arm.
Dr. Kelso: Very good, Dr. Dorian.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know what it is, but I'm starting to notice something. In this hospital, there are sick people everywhere.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You're a jumpy little fellow, aren't you, sport? Well, anyway, your blood tests are negative, so you're fine. And I think I speak for the entire administration when I say "whoop-de-do".

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: Wrap it up for me, Ned. [exits]
Ted: It's Ted.
J.D.: I know.
Ted: I know a guy who can take care of him for us. [J.D. and Ted laugh] One phone call.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey, I thought about what you said before, and, um, you're right. I haven't been that nice.
J.D.: And?
Janitor: That's it. What, do you want to go to a ballgame and share a big tub of popcorn?
[As J.D. walks away, the Janitor removes two tickets from his pocket]
Janitor: That's the last time I reach out. Anybody want to go to a... Not you.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I want my meningitis patient back.
Dr. Cox: No. Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to date me?
J.D.: Why'd you let me switch patients with you?
Dr. Cox: Because you asked me to. Oh, and because of your puppy-dog eyes.
J.D.: No, see, you're full of it. You knew I was scared. Why didn't you just tell me to go in there and deal with it?
Dr. Cox: Well, gosh, Newbie. I don't know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn't had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn't have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don't know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is I didn't feel like spelling it out for you. And I know, I know, you want your little speech, and that's fine, because here it is. You're a doctor. You might get sick.
Get over it.
J.D.: Thank you. Now, can I have my patient back?
Dr. Cox: No. Because, aside from his weird Judy Blume obsession, I like him. You will be delousing Mr. Schaffer. Guy's like flypaper.
J.D.: Fantastic.
Dr. Cox: And, Belinda, do you know what else is real contagious? A big ol' smile!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] You know, when you start med school, they warn you that you're gonna have to make sacrifices. But I guess that means different things to different people. Like giving up something you really want now for something you've wanted your whole life. Or spending less time on yourself so you can spend more time with someone you love. At some point, you might even have to give up your own sense of safety and well being. But after a while, it doesn't feel like you're giving up anything at all.
Mr. Winston: Hey, doc.
J.D.: You know what? Let's talk Superfudge.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Ooh, Mr. Sarcastic strikes again. For God's sake, sir, just fire me.
Dr. Kelso: Just get him to sign the damn paper.
J.D.: What's this?
Ted: If you develop any symptoms that suggest you may have contracted hepatitis B, this form states the hospital is not responsible.
J.D.: Thanks. That's comforting.
Ted: I'm sure you'll be fine.
J.D.: Here's your pen.
Ted: Uh... Keep it.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [hums dirge; high-pitched voice] Gee, is he gonna make it? Well, it doesn't look good. Yay!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Alrighty. What do we have here?
Dr. Douglas: What you've got here, young man, are four cases of Legionnaires' pneumonia.
Dr. Lamar: So I would start us out on IV aminoglycosides.
Dr. Bailey: Now make sure you check for urinary legionella antigen.
Dr. Franklyn: I don't know, it could be viral, considering my gastrointestinal situation.
Dr. Bailey: Here comes the fart joke.
Dr. Franklyn: No, no, no, really. I think I may have strep pneumo.
Dr. Douglas: All four of us are doctors.
J.D.: Let me guess. Golf cart accident? [all groan] Playing.
Dr. Lamar: Medical convention.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Douglas: So, junior, what's with the antecubital venipuncture?
J.D.: Oh, I got hit with the business-end of one of my hep B patients' syringes last night.
Dr. Douglas: I once had a colleague who got bit by a patient with rabies.
J.D.: He's OK, right?
Dr. Douglas: No, he died.
Dr. Bailey: A friend of mine from med school contracted leprosy. They had to amputate one of his toes. Just [popping sound] popped it right off.
Dr. Lamar: Oh, but hepatitis. Scary stuff.
J.D.: I'll be OK.
Dr. Franklyn: Oh, maybe.
J.D.: I, uh, have to go check on a thing... [exits]
Dr. Douglas: [all laugh] To interns.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I won't let those doctors scare me. John Dorian always get right back on the horse.
Carla: I'm so sorry you're alone, Mr. Winston, but meningococcus is highly contagious.
Mr. Winston: I don't have anyone to talk to.
J.D.: Good news, friend. The doctor is in. [laughs]
Mr. Winston: I asked for a newspaper, and they gave me Judy Blume books from Paediatrics.
J.D.: I don't know anything about those. [Carla leaves] You have to read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Completely turned high school around for me.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Let's see who's on their game today and start off with a case of pheochromocytoma. What is the initial test choise, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: 24-hour urinary metanephrines?
Dr. Kelso: Right-o. And what is your preoperative treatment?
Elliot: ACE inhibitors?
Dr. Kelso: Wrong-o. Why don't you attempt to crawl out of your shame hole, Dr. Reid, and tell me the aetiology of hypocalcaemia in sarcoidosis. [Elliot is stumped] Gutter ball! Dr. Reid, yesterday you were running around my hospital half-naked.
Dr. Simotas: Yeah, baby.
Dr. Kelso: Today you're mucking up my rounds. Is your ponytail too tight? Perhaps you have a mild case of the boogie-woogie flu? Something is different, because you, my dear, are slipping. Next patient.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, don't be embarrassed about staring at my ass. You're only human, baby, and everybody does it anyway.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] When someone calls you out, like Carla just did, there's only one thing to do: Deal with your fear.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, is there anyway could I get you to cover Mr. Winston? He's my meningitis patient. Little bit of a personality difference. I mean, he says tomato, and I say... "to-mah-to."
Dr. Cox: Sure.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: I'll take him.You just gotta grab my three gomers in 408.
J.D.: What's wrong with them?
Dr. Cox: I don't know, Newbie, I'm assuming they're sick.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, Dr. Douglas, I got the results back from your fasting lipids and it looks like your LLD's very elevated, so you may want to start a...
Dr. Douglas: HMG-CoA reductase inhibitor?
J.D.: You knew the answer to that.
Elliot: Shut up.
J.D.: What's your problem?
Elliot: This stuff doesn't come as easy for me as it does for you, okay? I study every night, and you know want to know what else I have to do to remember all this crap? I tape record myself saying it, and then I listen to myself over and over. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear myself go on and on and on and on?
J.D.: No.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Come on. I have problems too. I traded my meningitis patient. Just traded him like a baseball card. And you wanna know why? I was afraid of him. I'm a doctor who's afraid of sick people. You wanna take a picture with me?
J.D.: [v.o.] It's a weird feeling when you realize you've lost the respect of four people all at once. But it's nothing compared to losing respect for yourself.

Quote from Elliot

Sean: I just came by to apologize.
Elliot: For what?
Sean: I'm not sure. But I am really sorry.
Elliot: I should be the one apologizing. I just, I got so buried in work, and then I just took it all out on you, you know.
Sean: Well, I'm big on forgiving people who look like they're about to kiss me.
Elliot: And the work never ends, you know? I mean, every day I have to be ready for rounds, take care of my patients, I have scut work and research papers due. And I'm starting a new rotation and if my internship does not go well this year, then there's no way I'm getting a good residency next year. And without the residency, there goes my fellowship, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for us. So, on some level, I think that maybe we should make this more casual. But, come on, I mean I know I could never be casual with you. We'd just end up here again, right?
Sean: So what are you saying?
Elliot: I don't know.
Sean: Then why are you saying it?
Elliot: Oh, my God. I think I'm saying that I can't make this work right now.


 Episode 120 Episode 122 
  Select another episode