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‘My New Game’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Scrubs: My New Game

403. My New Game

Aired September 14, 2004

J.D. is annoyed when people at the hospital start referring to him as the Co-Chief Resident and Elliot as the Chief Resident. Turk loses his mojo after J.D. doubts his surgical skills. Dr. Molly Clock (Heather Graham) supports a plastic-surgery patient who is upset that she looks better following reconstructive surgery. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Jordan find out they're still married.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] I couldn't help wonder if by taking that patient from Todd and giving her to Turk, I had toyed with fate.
Turk: I know that look. You're wondering if you toyed with fate.
J.D.: How could you know that look? It's a brand new look.
Turk: What do you think Todd would've done that I didn't?
[fantasy:]
Nurse: Doctor, her heart stopped.
Todd: No! [removes own heart] Here! [dying breath] I'm gay!
Nurse: I knew it.
[reality:]
Turk: Oh, my God! That's your "the Todd would've pulled his own heart out" look!
J.D.: Okay, we have been spending way too much time together.

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Well, Mrs. Covello, your CAT-scan showed a small rectal tumor, so I want to schedule a low anterior resection. But don't worry, we have an amazing surgical team here, okay?
Mrs. Covello: That means a lot coming from the co-chief resident.
J.D.: [v.o.] How did she hear? She's been in a coma for two weeks. Dammit!

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

Dr. Molly Clock: See, I think as a psychiatrist that I should be there when Miss Myers' bandages get removed, because her accident was traumatic enough. But with reconstructive facial surgery on top of that? In my professional opinion: Yikes!
Dr. Cox: Honey, if you are coming in, I just might go ahead and phone up my pool-man and my architect so we can populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
Dr. Molly Clock: Great. My mom's in town, should I call her?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Today I walk in here not as a resident but as a chief. Chief resident. Chief resident Dorian. Chiefy chiefy chief.
Janitor: What's that, your new, uh, cool guy walk?
J.D.: No, I have rocks in my shoe.
J.D.: [v.o.] Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that short-cut through the quarry. Anyway, the best thing about my new job is that I command a lot more respect.
J.D.: Chief resident in the house! Everybody say hey-ay!
Man: Hey-ay!
J.D.: [v.o.] Even though Councilman Donovan was handcuffed to that chair because once again he was flying high on crystal meth, his respect felt good. Honestly, it's the reason I keep voting for him.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] It was the same old Dr. Cox and Jordan. The weird thing was, there was something underneath it they were happy.
Dr. Kelso: We have some very exciting news.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. You and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn't sound so far-fetched, Ted is hardly my type.
Ted: I beg to differ. I've seen Enid.
Dr. Kelso: What?
Ted: Nothing.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Just so you know, I think this chief resident thing has made you a little too big for your britches? So from now on I'm gonna be your britches shrinker. [snaps momp]
J.D.: Oh, what, is that supposed to intimidate me or something?
Janitor: No. I had to do it anyway.
J.D.: What possible reason could you have for breaking your broom in half?
Randall: Thanks, bro.
Janitor: Any other questions? Smart guy?

Quote from Turk

Turk: Look, I gotta go. I've got a new attending and he hates it when we're late. Plus he's a question-talker.
J.D.: What's a question-talker?
[later:]
Dr. Lemmon: Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes I do. Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: I visited my safety deposit box today. Guess what I found?
Dr. Cox: My grandfather's purple heart.
Jordan: Please, I sold that years ago to pay for these. [holds breasts]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, marriage can make the rest of your life seem longer.
Jordan: So you're just going to, uh, fall asleep right after for the rest of my life?
[later:]
Dr. Cox: So I'm supposed to pay for your Botox the rest of my life?
[later:]
Jordan: I'm not sure I want to watch you drink a beer while I'm holding the baby for the rest of my life!
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Look, Attila there's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it's me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Molly Clock: I think she's a little upset she doesn't look the way she used to.
Dr. Cox: Why? How did she used to look? Oh, dear... ugly. [pager beeps] Oh, what do you know, the paging of the shrew.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, could you help me out? People have been referring to me as the co-chief resident.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it sounds like something you should take up with the chief resident.
J.D.: But, I'm the chief resident. Look, Dr. Reid's check is made out to the chief resident, and-and mine's made out to the co-chief resident. But we both make the same amount.
Dr. Kelso: You're right. Dr. Reid, you should be making ten dollars more a month, and of course, Dr. Dorian, you should be making ten dollars less. I know it's not much, but it's largely to symbolize the difference in your levels.
Elliot: Coolio!
Dr. Kelso: Coolio, indeed.

Quote from Ted

J.D.: Thirsty, huh?
Ted: Helps the tears taste less bitter.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take their own lives.
Dr. Cox: I'll try.
Dr. Cox: You know, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Jordan: Hmm.
Ted: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.
Ted: Anyway, I was also going through a divorce she's with my brother now. He's nine inches shorter than me but he wears a piece. Anyway, the point is, you and I signed the wrong papers, which technically means you two are still married and so am I.
Dr. Kelso: Well, mazel tovs all around!

Quote from Turk

Turk: What's up, ladies. [empties shoe] What's up with these rocks!?
J.D.: Hah! You've been graveled.
Turk: "Graveled"?
J.D.: Yeah, it's a new game I made up this morning when I had rocks in my shoes.
Turk: I like it.
J.D.: Better than Play-Doh Pants?
Turk: Play-Doh Pants became all about the money.
J.D.: Wise.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It felt good cheering Turk up. See, now that I'm chief studly, I was making a lot more money than him. Needless to say it was a time to be extra sensitive.
J.D.: Hey, you remember how I make more money than you now?
Turk: Yeah.
J.D.: Here's five bucks for remembering. Anyway, I was thinking about spending some of my extra ducats on one of those classy suits we always wanted.
Turk: You mean the leather purple jumpsuit Eddie Murphy wore in Raw?
J.D.: You know it, dawg!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face?
Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers Miss Myers.
Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail while she's driving ninety miles an hour.

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

Dr. Molly Clock: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Dr. Cox: We weren't waiting for you.
Dr. Molly Clock: Great, I'm on time.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Okay, Miss Myers, I'm gonna go ahead and get these bandages off and make sure the plastic surgeons have left your face just as beautiful as it always was.
Miss Meyers: Oh, you're so nice. Are you married?
Carla: Oh, he is as of this morning.
Dr. Molly Clock: Really? I thought he was divorced?
Carla: No, child, the papers didn't go through.
Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. So, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Elliot and I are both chief residents, I'm trying not to make it all about me.
J.D.: [hands card] John Dorian, Chief Resident.
J.D.: [v.o.] You know, unless there's someone I could doink.

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