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31Quotes from ‘My Brother, My Keeper’

Scrubs: My Brother, My Keeper

214. My Brother, My Keeper

Aired January 23, 2003

As Turk waits for an answer from Carla on his proposal, his brother Kevin (guest star D.L. Hughley) comes to town. J.D. is excited to work with Dr. Townshend (guest star Dick Van Dyke), a veteran doctor who is beloved by the entire staff. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Jordan disagree about finding out the sex of her baby.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: Barbie! Listen, I need you to go to the lab and get Mrs. Miller's bloodwork. I also need you to disimpact Mr. Burnett in 317 and what did you say the sex of the child was?
Elliot: I've got a better idea. You do those things, and when you're done, I'll think about telling you the sex.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's weird. It seems like you just went to a swap meet and got yourself a big-boy spine. Now, listen, you tell or else.
Elliot: Or else what? You'll treat me worse than you usually do? Here's the inside scoop, Perry. For the first time, I have leverage. You're familiar with leverage? It's what you're going to need it when you disimpact Mr. Burnett, who, by the way, is so locked up I guess he's been eating either gum, rubber cement or cork.
Dr. Cox: Look, Barbie.
Elliot: Yeah, that's not my name.
Dr. Cox: Fine. Doctor... Reid? Really?
Elliot: What?
Dr. Cox: Nothing. [exits]
Elliot: Elliot Reid in the house!

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Sir, Dr. Townshend here was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I'd love to hear one sometime.
Dr. Kelso: Well, what the hell. Back in '68... I don't like you. The end.
Dr. Townshend: He tells that one a lot.
J.D.: I know.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Gerson: So, are we finding out the sex of the baby today?
Dr. Cox: Yes, we are.
Jordan: No, we're not.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, be reasonable. If you're incubating some kind of man-bat in there, we should find out as soon as possible. There are vaccinations to consider.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Sit.
J.D.: Oh, no, thanks, I'll just-
Janitor: I'm not asking. Alright, guys, this is the kid I told you about. We're gonna look out for him. This is Brent, from Parking. He's going to set you up with a sweet spot near the entrance so you'll never be late again. This is Crazy Eyes Margo from Housekeeping. She's going to make sure you've got freshly pressed scrubs in your locker every morning. Of course, this is Troy. You know him from the cafeteria line. He's gonna stop spitting in your food.
J.D.: Thank you for that.
Troy: I still don't understand why we gotta be nice to this punk.
Janitor: Because I said so.
Troy: Yeah, but...
Janitor: Troy. No more warnings. Bring the hands in. Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty through Christ, our Lord, amen. Look out for each and every of us, including our new member. Also help Margo to find her way home tonight.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Say, listen, nowadays, it has become kind of hospital protocol to do a modified Seldinger in a case like this. You do know how to do one of those, don't you?
Dr. Townshend: Of course.
Dr. Kelso: Good. Because the patient in bed number two needs one. You mind doing it for me?
Dr. Townshend: What the hell's this all about?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing, I was just looking over your files and well... Your oesteoporotic patients aren't on bisphosphonates, your diabetics aren't on ACE inhibitors. Doug, a lot of your treatments are pretty out of date.
Dr. Townshend: C'mon, Bob, guys like us, we're set in our ways.
Dr. Kelso: This is not an age thing, Doug. Hell, these days, if you've been out of med school five years, half of what you learned is obsolete. Why do you think I spend every other weekend at a seminar in some two-star hotel ballroom that still stinks of last night's prom vomit? I do it because I have to keep up.
Dr. Townshend: Also, it gives you two days away from the missus, right? Once again, I am sorry I was the one who introduced you in the first place. Look, Bob, I just I don't have the energy for all that stuff.
Dr. Kelso: Well... Then we got a problem.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: She asked me to pick her up from the airport. That's a good sign, right?
J.D.: Good sign? Dude, I am so sure Carla's going to say yes. If she doesn't, I'll walk naked through these halls singing Me And Bobby McGee.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Janis Joplin. Good God, she was an uggo. No offence, don't think I have anything against ugly people.
J.D.: Why would I take offence?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked buck-naked through the halls of the hospital last night.
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I could pick your Pufnstuf out of a lineup.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: That was good, Kev. We should make him make dinner for us tonight. He could be our own personal slave.
Kevin: Our own personal what now?
J.D.: Oh, no, I don't mean like that kind of slave.
Kevin: Well, how about this? How 'bout he be the house slave, and I be the field slave? Does that sound fun to you?
J.D.: No, that wouldn't be fun.
Turk: What's going on?
Kevin: I forgot how much fun it was messing with Alfalfa.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Well, honey, the reason we're late is you took forever to get ready. That's what happens when you're vain.
Jordan: Whatever, you say, Mr. Yesterday-l-Had-Chest-Hair-Today-Suddenly-l-Don't.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes Elliot can't help herself.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, you're a waxer?
Dr. Cox: Hark! It is the high-pitched warble of the Nosey Nellie. Don't see many of those flitting about the halls anymore. Because, well, quite frankly when one does, one shoots to kill.

Quote from Todd

Todd: The vascular surgeon on call said to say you could pick up your patient this evening. He also said to say he could give you a loaner patient if you needed someone to butcher until then, but I didn't really get it.
Dr. Townshend: No one expects you to, son.
Todd: Okay, thanks.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso. I was the one who nicked the artery on Mr. Singer.
Dr. Townshend: Oh, cheese on rye, son, I just said it was me.
Dr. Kelso: You need to shape up, son. Lord knows you're never gonna get by on your looks.
J.D.: Right, first of all, at the very least, I'm interesting-looking, all right? And secondly, I feel I made that mistake because Dr. Townshend forced me to perform a procedure that is unsafe and outdated.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sorry, Townsie.
Dr. Kelso: Now, let me get this straight. You screwed up doing something you should be able to handle and now you're in here to tattle on the guy who's taking the bullet for you? Is that right?
[fantasy: Dr. Townshend has a knife in his back]
Dr. Townshend: Do me a favor, will you, son? Grab that for me. Thanks. [collapses]
[reality:]
J.D.: I'm sorry, sir.

Quote from Todd

Dr. Cox: What's the deal, there, Gandhi? Are you gonna be a bride? Oh, come on, this is one of those very small windows when I'm borderline interested in your life. What's the deal? She give you an answer?
Todd: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose
Turk: Not yet.
[later:]
J.D.: Thanks, Todd. Here's the 50 bucks I promised you.
Todd: Keep it, man. That was for me.
J.D.: Todd, get dressed.
Todd: I'm going back out there.

Quote from Turk

Kevin: Hey, hey, so, how's this baby, is it all right?
Turk: This here is fit for a king.
Kevin: Well, that's good. Makes me feel better about sleeping in your room while you're out here.
Turk: No, Kevin, that's not gonna work.
Kevin: Well, I'm a businessman, I'm sure we can work it out. Let's see, I sent you to college and med school, and you have done nothing for me. So I'll tell you what, I'll sleep on the couch and you cut me a check for 80 grand.
Turk: I'll go get my pillow.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Tell you what, we'll compromise. I'll decide this, and you get to decide... Sorry, I've got nothing.
Dr. Gerson: Look, it's common for each parent to feel differently.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I'm not the father, he's a bellboy in Greece.
Jordan: We think.
Dr. Gerson: Neat.
Jordan: It's kicking me.
Dr. Cox: Who can blame the poor thing?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [screams] What the hell just happened?
J.D.: I moved your ladder.
Janitor: I don't know why you keep doing these things to me.
J.D.: I don't know either.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Townshend: Come on. How many more times are you going to make me apologize for introducing you to your wife?
Dr. Kelso: Once a month until she's dead.
J.D.: Excuse me, sir, do you have a second?
Dr. Kelso: Sport, what did I tell you about my open-door policy? I don't have one.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: My car. You think it's my fault he got fired, don't you?
Janitor: Why would you say that?
J.D.: No reason.
Troy: Let's see you drive home now, Mr. Doctor Man.
Janitor: Troy! I said just stand there, didn't I?
Troy: Yeah. I may have to get rid of the guy.


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