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38Quotes from ‘My Self-Examination’

Scrubs: My Self-Examination

321. My Self-Examination

Aired April 27, 2004

As Turk struggles to write his own wedding vows, he gets some help from Carla's brother, Marco. J.D. tries to get out of his new relationship with Elliot. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox is upset when Jordan decides they shouldn't fight anymore.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Carla, I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. Yeah, like you got right now. Just like that one! I love that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
J.D.: Turk!
Turk: Dude, I'm workin' here. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's our rehearsal dinner. I came here tonight because, when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. [Marco applauds]
Carla: Turk.
Turk: Yeah, baby?
Carla: That's the speech from When Harry Met Sally.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: And most of all, I wish our mom was with us tonight. Not because she was taken too early, but because she would see how happy you've made me, and she would love you forever for that. And Christopher?
Turk: Yes?
Carla: I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you've managed to erase them all, because each and every one of them has led me to you.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Carla. When I look into your eyes, I see the future. I see kids. I see minivans. You name it, I see it. The weird thing is, though, as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: Which reminds me. Jimmy's mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody to Chuck E. Cheese!
Dr. Cox: Say the word and I'll go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. And to pay for it we'll just sell one of your shoes.
Jordan: Great! We made him cry. If we keep this up, we're gonna scar him for life!
Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Too bad you couldn't remember to go to the airport.
Turk: You told her?
Carla: Yes, Turk, he did. Now, if you two can stop your petty crap for just one second. Maybe we can focus on what this wedding weekend is supposed to be about.
Turk & J.D.: Love.
Carla: No, me!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: What else you got?
Dr. Cox: Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait till you're asleep and I turn it off.
Jordan: Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say.
Doug: Oh. You and your mother are basically the same person.
Jordan: [quietly] What did you say!? I'm gonna kill you!
Dr. Cox: If you don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand that. But I don't think that means we gotta stop altogether. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person, and you challenge me each and every day. And, honestly, that's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm seventy and you're sixty-five and your face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.
Jordan: My face'll never look forty.
Dr. Cox: You're right, my bad.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Look, Danni, the reason I'm here is, well... First of all I wanted to give you back your skull lighter. Secondly, you always seem to have some insight in to why I'm so messed up. I mean here I-I chase after Elliot for three years, now I don't want her.
Danni: Well, maybe it's 'cause you idealize women and no one can live up to your standards.
J.D.: Why would I idealize women?
Danni: What's your mom like?
[flashback:]
Mrs. Dorian: I love you, honey. You're the smartest, handsomest, sweetest boy in the whole world. And no matter how hard you look, you will never find a woman who'll love you as much as I do.
Young J.D.: I know, Mommy.
[present:]
J.D.: My mom is perfect.

Quote from J.D.

Larry: Look, kid, you're just confused. All you need to do is focus on the little things you love about her. Like, the way she puts out a cigarette or how when she finishes a beer, she looks inside the can just to check if there's any left.
J.D.: Hm?
Danni: Sweetie, it's 5 to 9, and my Denver omelet's not gonna make itself.
J.D.: It's 5 to 9?! I gotta go! [v.o.] Oh, he is so the Soup Nazi. Trick him! [out loud] What is it again? It's like, you're out of luck in the soup department?
Larry: No soup for you!
J.D.: Ha, rad.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, I slept like a log.
Jordan: Really. See, I didn't notice, 'cause I was up all night with Jack.
Dr. Cox: Tell me this: How do you not scare him when you go in there? Do you wear a nanny mask, or do you just slap on a name tag that says "Hi, I'm your mommy"?
Jordan: I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Catch me, stud. [they both fall to the ground] You know, most guys would have caught me. I love that you didn't.
J.D.: Oh, cool.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit for me. I mean, I'm the kinda guy who likes stupid movies.
Elliot: Hey, let's rent Kangaroo Jack tonight.
J.D.: [v.o.] And I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.
Elliot: Or we could just go shoot rats at the dump.
J.D.: [v.o.] Dammit, she's perfect on paper. What the hell's wrong with me?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Okay, I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
Dr. Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
Dr. Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.
Dr. Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
Dr. Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.
Dr. Kelso: Fine. I'll just take these. [Dr. Cox knocks the pens over] You just bought yourself four weekends on call. Damn twisty bottoms!
Carla: You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
Dr. Cox: I can't stop!

Quote from Turk

Turk: Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby, you will be my baby forever, baby.
Carla: Stop saying "baby"!

Quote from Turk

Turk: You're not even dressed yet? We gotta pick up Carla on the way, man.
Turk: You know what, tell her I couldn't come up with anything, so I guess I don't love her.
Marco: Gimme that.
Turk: For what?
Marco: I'm gonna write your vows for you. Ooh, a clicky top.
Turk: Does this mean we're amigos?
Marco: No. It means that I love my sister, and she deserves to hear something beautiful said about her. And I'm positive if your life was on the line, you couldn't squeeze one eloquent coherent thought out of that tether ball you call a head!
Turk: Thank you.


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