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42Quotes from ‘My Fifteen Minutes’

Scrubs: My Fifteen Minutes

108. My Fifteen Minutes

Aired November 15, 2001

After J.D. and Turk save the life of a TV news camera-man, Dr. Kelso decides to feature them on posters promoting the hospital. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox asks J.D. to do his own evaluation, and Elliot is hurt when Carla lies to get out of spending the evening with her.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. Oh, good. He's not here. Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: It's time. Sit down. Now, what do you want me to say? That you're great? That you're raising the bar for interns everywhere?
J.D.: I'm cool with that.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not gonna say that. You're OK. You might be better than that some day. But right now all I see is a guy who's so worried about what everybody thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself. I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation?
J.D.: I can't think of a safe answer, I just figured-
Dr. Cox: Clam up! I wanted you to think about yourself. And I mean really think. What are you good at? What do you suck at? And then I wanted you to put it down on paper, and not so I could see it, and not so anybody else could see it, but so that you could see it. Because ultimately, you don't have to answer to me, you don't have to answer to Kelso, you don't even have to answer to your patients, for God's sake. You only have to answer to one guy, Newbie, and that's you! There... you are evaluated. Get the hell outta my sight. You, honest to God, get me so angry I'm afraid I might hurt myself.

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Quote from J.D.

[fantasy scene:]
J.D.: Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

Quote from J.D.

Anchorwoman: We're almost ready. Is there anything you wanna say before we get started?
[fantasy: J.D. does the interview dressed as a professional wrestler:]
J.D.: Yeah, I've got something to say to Dr. Cox. I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see. And this Friday, at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam, I'm gonna give you a physical you ain't never gonna forget.
I'm gonna probe ya, 'cause I'm The Intern.
[reality:]
Anchorwoman: Nothing. OK, I'll be right back.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Kelso: Listen, if Dr. Kelso wants me to be a role model for the community because I'm a great doctor, then that's great and I will sign on the dotted line. But that's not what this is about. All my life I've been singled out because I'm black.
[flashback to young Turk winning a school science fair:]
Young Turk: But I didn't even enter the contest!
Man: Smile for the picture.
[present:]
Turk: Remember our college brochure?
J.D.: So what? They put you on the cover.
Turk: Twice?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Why are you worried? With the hero thing, whoever evaluates you will give you a gold star.
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: Listen, Supergirl. I'm gonna break you into so many pieces that my grandmother, who can do a 1,000-piece puzzle in an hour, will never be able to put you back together, even if she goes go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
[present:]
J.D.: Somehow I doubt it.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Did you lose something?
Janitor: No, why? Did you take something?
J.D.: No.
Janitor: What'd you take?
J.D.: Nothing.
Janitor: What'd you take?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for, well, let's just say, when I started, I had hair. And a wife and family. The point is, I'll never get a raise without support of senior staff like yourself.
Dr. Kelso: Can't do it.
Ted: Well, you did what you could.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't Dr. Turk, the friendly face of Sacred Heart.
Turk: Yeah. Dr. Kelso, about these posters, they're kind of making me uncomfortable.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way. Well, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna leave them up.
Turk: I can live with that. Or I can sue you.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, you are an employee here. I can advertise however I wish. I can use your image, your name, I can manufacture tiny little Dr. Turk action figures. It'll cost $12.95 and when you pull the string, it says: "I don't like these posters!"

Quote from Ted

Dr. Cox: Isn't that right, Ted?
Ted: Definitely, sir. You'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint, however.
Dr. Kelso: How vulnerable?
Ted: Sir, that lawsuit would be over so quickly, I'd recommend you takecab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk will be driving your Beamer home to his place. [Turk laughs]
Dr. Kelso: Hippie.
Ted: God, that felt good.
Turk: Who's the man?
Ted: Is it me?
Turk: Damn right it's you. [goes to high-five Ted, who initially cowers]
Ted: Oh, right. It's me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I would like to make special mention of one intern here, John Dorian. Smart kid, extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see in him 24 hours a day. He cares. Probably cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. Now, if you have any questions, well I could give a crap, I'm goin' home. You all get paid too much for doing nothing.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] One of the best things about my friendship with Turk is that we're always challenging each other to try new things.
J.D.: I can't believe we're going to a strip club for lunch.
Turk: Oh, I don't think about it that way. This just is a nice place to buy a burger that's a short, convenient two-and-a-half mile walk away from the hospital.

Quote from Carla

Turk: You know, you're gonna have to see her eventually.
Carla: No, I don't. Because I know the layout to the air-duct system like the back of my hand. Of course I'm gonna have to see her again.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: Would you describe me as warm, professional, or both?
Nurse Roberts: I'd describe you as "I'm on my lunch."
J.D.: I don't know whether to be easy or hard on myself-
Nurse Roberts: Can't you see I'm watching my stories?

Quote from Turk

Dr. Kelso: What makes you think I wanna be a part of this, J.D.?
J.D.: I don't know. Kelso said it would make us role models. I guess, I just assumed...
Turk: Yeah, everybody assumes that I'm a good athlete, or that I grew up poor, or that I love Sanford and Son.
J.D.: But you do love Sanford And Son. We both do. [starts humming the Sanford and Sun theme. Turk joins in.] That's what I'm talking about.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna leave the cart in the closet. I'm going to leave the closet unlocked. If, by magic, it should happen to reappear, I won't ask any questions.
J.D.: I don't even know what "it" is.
Janitor: Then why take it?

Quote from J.D.

Protesters: [chanting] No skin! We all win!
J.D.: Let's get outta here before we end up on the news.
Anchorwoman: Excuse me. Are you two gentlemen visiting the club?
Turk: No, we're here protesting.
J.D.: I'm worried about the kids.
Anchorwoman: So what's that in your pocket?
J.D.: Oh, this is... It's $38 in singles. I bought a newspaper and this is the change from my 40.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Well, maybe I'm biased, but to me, every doctor here at Sacred Heart is a hero. Does that mean I'm a hero? I don't know.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o] Life in a hospital moves fast. One second you're a hero, the next you're obsessing about intern evaluations.
Elliot: Who cares? It's only a grade.
J.D.: Really? What did you get?
Elliot: An A-plus, but then I turned on the waterworks and the resident changed it to A-plus-plus.
J.D.: It's a proud day for women everywhere.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Before you deny that you like looking at strange naked women again, I should remind you that when you stay at my place, it's not a hotel. The movie titles do come up on the bill.
Turk: I'm sticking with "we were protesting." J.D.?
J.D.: Outraged and disgusted.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Now I think about it, I'm psyched to have Dr. Cox do my evaluation. It'll give me a chance to finally see what he truly thinks of me.
Dr. Cox: Look, Doogie, I'm up to my cha-chas in busywork, so I'm gonna take a rain check on your report card and just have you do it yourself.
J.D.: You didn't even fill out my name.
Dr. Cox: Well, now, I think it's John, or Jimmy or Ji or hmm. Oh, gosh, it's in the J family. But if you get in trouble, just ask the nurses for help.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, how are you?
J.D.: Well, sir, these evaluations are-
Dr. Kelso: It's just a pleasantry, sport, let's keep it moving.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So what are we doing tonight?
Carla: Oh, go out to dinner, I guess.
Elliot: Dinner! Where are we gonna eat?
Carla: Don't know, some restaurant.
Elliot: Some restaurant! Be honest, um, does this look hip enough?
Carla: Since when are khakis, a pink shirt and a neckerchief not hip?
Elliot: True.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Cox. Have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: No, I just came in through the couch door. Move.
J.D.: I thought you said you were too busy to do my evaluation.
Dr. Cox: I am. Didn't her daddy sell the coalmine?
Nurse Roberts: Contract didn't stick.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's interesting.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: She is tasty. Watch me work a cat and mouse game with her.
Turk: She's married to the soundman, bud. And that little thing that's clipped to your collar, that's a microphone.
J.D.: [into the mic] I'm so sorry. And I love ZZ Top.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Come on, it's different this time, now it's both of us.
[montage of Sacred Heart posters featuring Turk:]
["Wazzup? Your white blood cell count at Sacred Heart"]
["Our MD's have mad skills"]
["Time to get an EKG, G"]
J.D.: You can still see my hand on your shoulder.

Quote from Turk

Carla: You're such a guy. You can't even begin to understand something this deep on any real emotional level.
J.D.: Hey, Turk, I'm really sorry about the poster thing. It was racially insensitive of me. I should have been aware of your feelings before I went ahead and spoke for you.
Turk: It's okay. Your intentions were good. And there's never been an issue of race between us. Since the day I met you, you've been nothing but a friend to me.
J.D.: I love you, man.
Turk: Hit me one.
J.D.: Keep it real.
Turk: [to Carla] We've got some things to work out but we'll get there. We'll get there.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Elliot, there's no excuse for what I did.
Elliot: No, there's not. Are we done?
Carla: I'm really sorry.
Elliot: [scoffs] Don't be. If I was going out with my friend I wouldn't invite you. Who am I kidding? Yes, I would and she'd probably like you better and neither one of you would ever talk to me again.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Well, look what magically found its way back home.
J.D.: What? Your window cleaner?
Janitor: No. Ammonia. This is window cleaner, right... Why?
J.D.: [v.o.] Now that's just bad luck.


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