Dr. Kelso: Ah, Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso: And Mrs. Turkleton. The Turkletons. [laughs] Can I get a scotch?

Carla: Hey, Elliot, how are you doing with this whole J.D. thing?
Elliot: [emotionally] I can't believe that on this day you would actually worry about how I'm doing. Carla, you're such an amazing friend.
Carla: Don't do this, Elliot. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional until after we took the pictures.
Elliot: I just love you so much.
Carla: I love you too!
Elliot: Even though I ripped off your sister's eyebrow?
Carla: That's okay. You know, this morning she actually said she was gonna look better than me!? Not anymore!

Turk: What do you mean, disaster? Honey, this is an amazing wedding. And I know what you're gonna say. We didn't actually get married. But you know what? Tonight, you and I, we're gonna rip it up. And then we're gonna hop on a plane to the Bahamas, where you and I can get married tomorrow amongst the fishes and mermaids and whatnot.
Carla: Turk, for the last time, mermaids aren't real.
Turk: I know what I saw!

Turk: Why isn't the band playing?
Nurse Roberts: In a word? Shrimps. Nasty, one-day-old shrimp. The band got into 'em while we was waiting at the church for your sorry ass. [to Carla] Girl, you are wearing that dress.

Turk: Hey, so what do you guys think? Extra groomsman?
Marco: [Spanish: "Jackass"]
Turk: Don't worry, Rowdy. I'm marrying their sister. Hey, baby. Check this out. You ain't gonna believe what I did with Rowdy.
Carla: [o.s.] Turk, you're not allowed to see me on our wedding day, you idiot.
Turk: She's mulling it over.

J.D.: Turk and I have to go.
J.D.: [v.o.] See, Turk and I had made a pact. The day that one of us got married, we'd play a last round of tennis-ball golf in the parking lot as single best friends.
J.D.: Look out, Tiger!
Turk: That'll play.
J.D.: Hell yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, yeah, and the guy getting married has to caddie for the other guy naked.

J.D.: Hey, where's the fuzzy cover for my one-wood?
Turk: It's on my nine-wood.
J.D.: Aw, dude. My mom made that.

Turk: Look, I get outta here at 4, ceremony doesn't start until 5. Worst case scenario, I'm a little late for the wedding.
Carla: Do it!
[Elliot kicks Turk in the nuts]
Turk: Oh!
J.D.: Dude, you're dealing with a nervous bride, a woman I scorned, and two sisters with three eyebrows.
Turk: See you at 5!

Elliot: Carla, there is a man filming us.
Carla: Oh, he's just doing our wedding video. Hi, Anthony.
Anthony: [o.s.] What's up, babe.
Elliot: Oh, my God. You're actually getting married in a few hours. I mean, everything's gonna be all different. Carla, you never have to have sex again except for when you actually want to.
Carla: I know! [laughs] Erase that last part.

Todd: Dude, that pick-up line you gave me for all the Spanish chicks is not working.
Marco: Maybe you're saying it wrong. Let's hear it.
Todd: Yo tengo herpes genitalpara ti. ["I have genital herpes for you."]
Marco: Nope. That's right. Keep trying.
Todd: Mucho herpes... Grande! Oh, yeah.