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22Quotes from ‘My Drug Buddy’

Scrubs: My Drug Buddy

114. My Drug Buddy

Aired January 22, 2002

J.D. sides with Alex when she and Elliot clash over a patient who might have stolen drugs from the hospital. Meanwhile. Dr. Cox and Turk disagree about how to treat a patient, and Carla gets a ride to work from Dr. Kelso.

Quote from Carla

Dr. Kelso: Maybe you should just order.
Carla: I'll have an espresso, please, and... What kind of scones do you have?
Man: [coughs loudly] Son of a bitch. Do you mind, lady? I am in a rush.
Carla: Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry. What am I doing, thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm going to have to call my mom, tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you so much.
Dr. Kelso: I think what she means is, she doesn't give a crappuccino. Allan, this is on me. God help me, I love spunk.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Good to see you again, Mr. Barnes. We'll be with you in a moment.
Nurse Roberts: Put him in bed six.
Dr. Cox: Tell me, Laverne, are you in fact part golden retriever?
Nurse Roberts: Keep it holy now.
Dr. Cox: I only ask because every time I toss this guy, you bring him right back to me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: The addict said he quit? Oh ,why wouldn't you tell me that? That changes everything.
J.D.: I believe in Mr. Barnes.
Dr. Cox: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned into a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do. Barbie here still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs, and addicts everywhere will still lie to get a fix. Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart. You're gonna be late for school. Aw, you wet the bed. Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Alex is a social worker, she's here a lot. For some guys, that would be distracting, but I'm staying focused.
Man: You're on my foot. I'm so sorry.
Janitor: Oh, please step on my foot. I'm just waiting for an excuse.
J.D.: Not today.
Janitor: Really? Why not? [J.D. waves to Alex] I get it. Nice pull. You slept with her yet?
J.D.: What? I am not discussing that with you.
Janitor: That's a no.
J.D.: Listen, Jolly Green. People's personal lives are just that, personal.
Janitor: That's a definite no.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: All right, Will & Grace. Breakdown.
Elliot: Based on his elevated lipase, I'd say pancreatitis.
Dr. Cox: Grace, you wanna finish?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: In case you were wondering, it says, "if you can read this, you're standing too close".
Turk: I wasn't trying to look.
Dr. Cox: Now, let's see if you can tinkle when someone's staring at you. Go ahead and take your time. I have all day.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What do you say we cut to the chase? You're dating Carla, the one person in this hospital I can remotely stand and she wants us to get all kissy-faced with each other. I get it. I do. But every single time I shake my magic eight ball and ask it "Are we gonna be best friends?", do you know what it says?
Turk: No.
Dr. Cox: Outlook is buh-leak.
Turk: Dr. Cox, you really can't trust those things. When I was 9, I asked mine if I should open it and drink the fluid inside. I puked blue for three days.
Dr. Cox: Just a real cute story. Here's what you're gonna do. Go back to Carla. Don't obsess about why she's with you. Just tell her we went to a ballgame and we borrowed each other's sweaters. Mmm-kay, little buddy?

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: I don't think we should stand for it. Dr. Kelso can't just decide we're not allowed to switch shifts any more. I was supposed to see my nephew tonight in Pippin.
Nurse: Who's he playing?
Nurse Roberts: Pippin. Bob Kelso is a bad man.
Carla: I don't know. We never think about how hard it is to always be the bad guy.
Nurse Roberts: I want him to die. [to Dr. Kelso] Hello, sweetness.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Someone called for a surgical consult?
Dr. Cox: You're Dr. Turk? Of course you are. Note to self. You've got to start writing down the names of people that annoy you.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: You went behind my back and got an intern to agree with you so the guy doesn't get surgery?
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. You caught me.
Turk: Cox, a bypass is the right call.
Dr. Cox: Considering the inherent risks in surgery...
Turk: The guy's a diabetic with two-vessel disease.
Dr. Cox: And antianginals could be equally effective.
Turk: So we agree that either treatment could work?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, sure.
Turk: So what the hell are we arguing about?
Carla: Hey.
Turk: Hey, baby.
Dr. Cox: Hi, sweetie.
J.D.: [v.o.] And it was just then they realized what was really going on. Dr. Cox was in love with Turk's girlfriend.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, what is it?
Carla: I wanted to thank you for what you did. You know, when you yelled at me in front of the other nurses. I appreciate it.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I yelled at you because that paperwork looked like it had been done by a drunk four-year-old. Listen, Carla, I have a family who loves me, a handful of close friends and a wonderful hobby shop in my basement. I don't spend much time worrying about people's feelings around here. I just do whatever makes me happy.
Carla: So can I still get a ride tomorrow?
Dr. Kelso: I don't know if I've forgiven you yet for hiding this morning. But you could always skip the bus tomorrow morning and take your chances.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: All right, I should've done this a long time ago, so here goes. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you of being jealous. You were just looking out for me. You were right about Alex.
Elliot: You never did sleep with her, did you?
J.D.: Nah. But why does that matter?
Elliot: Because I was jealous. [kisses J.D.]


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