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39Quotes from ‘My Case Study’

Scrubs: My Case Study

203. My Case Study

Aired October 10, 2002

After Dr. Kelso instructs the residents to write up case studies for a chance to win a trip, Dr. Cox encourages J.D. not to play the game. Meanwhile, Elliot wonders why she and Carla aren't better friends, and Turk misses the one day a year when Kelso allows people to ask him for stuff.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient in 106 and I've decided that the next time you place an IV and actually hit the vein on the first try, I'm going to crack open a bottle of bubbly. I mean, my God, woman. The man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Kelso: Isn't he the blind fella?
Nurse Roberts: You mean Ray Charles.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Anyway, you're incompetent.
Nurse Roberts: Easy, Laverne. You're a saved woman.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Excuse me, Dr. Kelso, can I have a minute of your time?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, for God's sake, son. I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
Turk: Look, I need an argon laser, and I was gonna ask you yesterday, but then all of a... Hold up. How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
Turk: Sir, you lied to us.
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I'm Bob Kelso. Nice to meet you. Look, sport, if people think I'm only giving once a year, they'll only be asking me for things once a year, capiche? Now, get out of my eye line. Nurse Tidsdale is wearing ankle socks today.
Turk: How about I don't? And how about you help me out and I won't tell anybody about this? Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff every single day.
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mrs. Warner: Oh, great. Another sycophant.
Dr. Cox: Listen up, there, Molly Menopause. I need you to quiet the hell down. You're scaring everyone in the hospital. I mean, my God, they're delivering a baby upstairs and the poor kid's using the umbilical cord to crawl the hell back in.
Mrs. Warner: Now, you listen to me-
Dr. Cox: [whistles] I mean it, sister.
Mrs. Warner: OK. From now on he's my doctor. The rest of you can get out of here.
Dr. Cox: Scram.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: OK. I'm Dr. Cox. This is my Gal Friday. She'll be helping me to take care of you. But before we get underway, we're gonna need you to ease up on the yakety-yak.
Mrs. Warner: You can drop the macho act now, dear. They're gone.
Dr. Cox: Act-schmact. The lips stay zipped.
J.D.: Zipped-schmipped. Oh, I thought we were riffing.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we're not.
Mrs. Warner: Well, aren't you delicious? You know, if I were 20 years younger and slightly tipsy, this might be your lucky day.
Dr. Cox: Careful there, sweetcheeks. I haven't decided which way to take your temperature yet.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Doug: Um, Dr. Cox, I have a patient with blennorrhea and I was wondering if you think that is interesting enough to present to Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I'm sorry, Nervous Guy, but I just can't do your work for you. But what do you say you head on down to the library and look it up in the New England Journal of "Who Gives a Rat's Ass"? You've got to leave this instant, this second, this moment. Just go. [Doug whimpers]

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: It's an amazing networking opportunity. Doesn't matter, 'cause I've got it wrapped up anyway.
Doug: Why? Do you have something better than my guy with blennorrhea?
Elliot: Doug, if I told you, you would not believe it.
[fantasy:]
Elliot: And as you can see, the ass is on the front.
[reality:]
J.D.: Front butt. It's like the grail.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Man, today could not get any worse.
Carla: If you were to change one thing about my physical appearance, what would it be?
Turk: [to the heavens] You're testing me. I get it.
Carla: Baby, you know I don't like you talking to God when we're trying to have a discussion.
Carla: Now, if I were to be really honest with myself, I would change everything. What do you think?
Turk: Why don't we just skip what I think and jump right ahead to not having sex for a month? Are all women this crazy?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I won! Thank you, Mrs. Warner! In your face! In your face! In your... face.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations. You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club at the big show in Reno. Just remember when you are posing and prancing in front of the judges to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high, like the proud little puppy that you are. And when it comes time to hand out those blue ribbons, it will be such an exciting time for you, it really will be. But for the love of God, Newbie, you've gotta try, try, try not to squeeze out a dookie on the Astroturf. 'cause I mean, God forbid you were ever an embarrassment to Master Bob, right?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: I know. Look, I wanna be like you but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, ten years from now when I'm your boss, I'll go ahead and throw in a good word for you, and you won't even have to ask. Sir.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, describe the presentation of Ludwig's Angina.
Doug: Uh...
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's nothing compared to the silence you hear at work.
Dr. Kelso: Proud to have you on board, son. Anyway, I'm sending one of you to an AMA conference where you will eat free food, stay at a nice hotel, and try your darnedest not to embarrass this hospital. In the interest of fairness, I drew a name out of a hat, and that name was Elliot Reid.
Elliot: Yes! I never win at anything.
Dr. Kelso: And then I thought... Oh, who cares what I thought? The point is, you're not going. You see, it seems as though you lazybones have forgotten my edict about residents publishing case reports. That's why I've decided whoever brings me the most interesting case gets the ticket to Reno.
Doug: You know, sir, my parents live in Reno.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just great, sport. I'm sure you'll see them over Christmas.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] There aren't that many things that can make the chief of medicine move that fast, but whenever we get a patient who has the same name as a wing of the hospital, you can pretty much predict Kelso's behaviour.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Kelso: Would you like it high up on the cheek or do you prefer this fleshy part in the middle? [kissing]

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Wow. She had some real old-fashioned sass. I mean, you just don't see sass like that anymore.
Dr. Cox: Stop saying "sass."
J.D.: Sass.

Quote from Dr. Cox

[montage:]
Turk: I don't get it, Dr. Wen. Why would Kelso's anniversary make him less of a jerk than usual?
Dr. Wen: Well, tonight after work, Dr. Kelso will take his wife to a candlelit dinner. Then, after they've toasted to 40 wonderful years together, they'll go home and..
Dr. Cox: Oh, bam! Oh, bam!
Carla: I actually think it's really sweet that at their age they still...
Dr. Cox: Bam! Bam! Bam!

Quote from J.D.

Doug: So, have you found any cool cases yet?
J.D.: Look, Muffin, I'm not gonna run around like the rest of you mindless drones trying to turn the sniffles into something fascinating so you can go to some stupid conference. Schmonference.
J.D.: [v.o.] It's fun to rhyme!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: You're still stuck on your first impression, that I am some narrow-minded, spoiled brat.
Carla: Elliot, not now, OK?
Elliot: When I was a kid I was really close with my maid.
Carla: That's it. So you think that you totally get my whole experience because you spent time with a Latina woman who cleaned your house?
Elliot: What are you talking about? Our maid was white.
Carla: What was her name?
Elliot: Consuela.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: No, seriously. Try me. I can do it with anything.
Nurse Roberts: Go away.
J.D.: Go ashmay.
Nurse Roberts: All right, try this one-
Dr. Cox: Angie, put on your flats. We're going for a walk.
J.D.: Eat shmit and die.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] With every sip of the coffee Dr. Cox bought me, I could taste my own hypocrisy. [slips] Thank God my hypocrisy missed me.
Janitor: The reason I wanted you to stand in line for me was because I needed a new mop. The floors are slippery because this one doesn't work. You know why it doesn't work?
J.D.: It's out of mop gas?
Janitor: No. Because it's so old it won't soak up water. See? [dangles the mop over J.D.'s face]
J.D.: [v.o.] Something in that filthy mop water woke me up. I decided I could have my cake and eat it too. Dr. Cox would never know.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: What do you say, Bridge Club? How you feeling?
Mrs. Warner: I feel like crap. What the hell's wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: Your abdominal pains suggest you have biliary disease, but your tests came back negative, so we don't exactly know what's wrong with you.
J.D.: But don't worry. Dr. Cox and I never say die. Unless someone actually dies. Then we're kind of forced to by law.
Mrs. Warner: He's talking again.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on. The kid's OK.
J.D.: [v.o.] "The kid"? This is great.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mrs. Warner: So why haven't I heard your name before?
J.D.: Well, I've only been here a year, and he's actually just started calling me "the kid." Which I love, by the way.
Dr. Cox: She's talking to me, pumpkin.
Mrs. Warner: Seriously, you should be more than an attending. Let me make a phone call.
Dr. Cox: I'm not so good with handouts.
Mrs. Warner: Oh, come on, I'm only putting in a good word.
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, there, Bubby, if you really want to help me, why don't you quiet down and get some rest? And then if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you to a talkie. [exits]
Mrs. Warner: Oh, I could do naughty things to that man.
J.D.: Uncomfortable.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: What?
Turk: Nothing.
Dr. Kelso: And you?
J.D.: Nothing, sir. I don't want anything from you ever.
Dr. Kelso: You know, that's what my son always says, but then when Mother's Day rolls around, guess who wants to go halfsies on a pasta pot for Enid?
J.D.: Well, sir-
Dr. Kelso: She's not my mother, dammit.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You can't just change your mind.
Mr. Davis: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I pass out from the pain in my penis and suddenly we're not in America anymore?

Quote from Todd

Todd: You're the husband? We gotta get you some bigger hands.


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