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40Quotes from ‘My Faith in Humanity’

Scrubs: My Faith in Humanity

423. My Faith in Humanity

Aired April 19, 2005

When a good Samaritan, Jake (guest star Josh Randall), brings his elderly neighbor to the hospital, J.D. convinces Jake to stay and help the woman come to terms with end-of-life care. Carla and a reluctant Dr. Cox help Elliot pluck up the courage to ask Jake out before he leaves the hospital. Meanwhile, Turk and Carla begin couples' therapy.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Anyway, I worry that sometimes when I'm tense, I could be a little condescending.
Therapist: Actually, I've noticed that.
Carla: Have you really noticed it, "Mr. Therapist"?!

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Keep it light. Open with a joke, and before you know it, you and your raft will be on a 4-hour trip to New Zealand.
Jake: No, it's more like 14 hours.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no, you're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.
J.D.: Vaso-vagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does. Come on. Do it. You'll feel good. Trust me.
Jake: Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.
J.D.: You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.
Jake: You an idiot?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Just go, Jake. No one here knows your last name. If anything happens, they'll never be able to find you. Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand. Which, incidentally, is 10,000 miles east of Australia and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.
Jake: You've been brushing up on New England.
J.D.: Well, go anyway. Wherever it is you're rafting.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hats off there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence.
Carla: You should have just asked him out. Men love that.
Dr. Cox: No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive "so that we can relax", and as always, we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Look here. The only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase. So if you want that guy to look in your way, listen to me carefully. Ignore the living hell out of him.
Carla: That's the worst advise I've ever heard.
Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you wanna lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do you?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: The point is your advice really worked with Jake and I'd really appreciate if you could give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie. Let me just finish writing this prescription, and you'll be all squared away.
Elliot: This is a prescription for "no."
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. It's to be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men all together.
Dr. Cox: Then on behalf of men everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts, let me be the first to say thanks and alleluia.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Elliot, my neighbor fainted, too. Hey, you want to go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing. I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.
Elliot: Janitor, I thought we were done with this.
Janitor: I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.
Elliot: Just put her back in her room.
Janitor: She's not a patient. I got her at the mall. Better get you back to the food court, huh? Your husband's probably come to by now.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Is that him?
J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
Ted: Mark my word, Jake, we're gonna take every last cent you have.
J.D.: No, no, Ted. We're on his side.
Ted: Oh. Here's my card.
Jake: This is a Post-it.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.
Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.
J.D.: "Buy groceries, kill self."

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, seeing Jake come back and do the right thing restored my faith in humanity.
Martha: I can't believe that 6 young men stopped to help an old lady change a tire.
J.D.: And don't you forget who put that tire on and tightened those lugnuts, Martha. Ok, sweetie, have fun at the swap-meet. Drive safe.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yeah, it sure feels good to do the right thing.
[As the car drives away, the wheel comes off]
J.D.: Righty-loosey, lefty-tighty.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. Oh, man, it still feels good.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] One of the reasons Turk and I are so popular around here is that we love helping our fellow doctors.
J.D.: Hey, Hooch.
Hooch: That's my name. Don't wear it out.
J.D.: Classic Hooch. Listen, even though I'm not gonna be paid, I'm gonna cover your shift at the clinic tonight so you can do Mr. Schindler's endoscopy. And I'm gonna cross-cover all of Dr. Turner's patients so Turner can assist you on the procedure.
Hooch: Why are you guys going through so much trouble?
Dr. Kelso: Who's doing the endoscopy on Mr. Schindler?
J.D. and Turk: Turner and Hooch! [cheer]
Hooch: Everyone hates you guys.
J.D.: Oh, Hooch!
Turk: Hooch is crazy!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I decided to help their marriage by moving out, partly because Carla and I had accidentally kissed and messed things up, but mostly because it was time. Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.
J.D.: I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive? Ever mention any hot neighbors?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Uh, do you guys think that Clarissa is more attractive than me?
Dr. Cox: Yes. Who's Clarissa?
Elliot: She's the short, balding woman in the pharmacy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then definitely yes.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: She just got engaged, bad comb-over and all.
Carla: When Clarissa beats you to the altar, it might be time to hang up the ovaries.
Elliot: Too mean!

Quote from Todd

Todd: Nurse, suction.
Nurse: The patient's not even here yet.
Todd: I know.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy would walk through the door.
Jake: Hi. Can I get some help? My neighbor fainted, and she doesn't like ambulances, so I brought her in myself.
Elliot: Let me take this one, Jenny. You've got a phone call.
Jenny: Oh. I'll call them back.
Elliot: Your mom died.
Jenny: What?!
Elliot: Her mom's fine. It's just a little running joke we have. She'll be laughing later. Got you, Jenny! Dead mom joke's always funny.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: So, Betty, you're back with us, and I see you brought a young, handsome buck with you. What are you trying to make me jealous? You know you're my gal.
Betty: Who are you?
J.D.: I'm Dr. Dorian. I'm the one that's taken care of you the last 19 times you've been in here. She's getting a little forgetful. You know how that happens. Are you a relative?
Jake: No. Neighbor. I only met her once.
Betty: It was raining, and you were wearing a blue sweater.
J.D.: That's a lovely memory, Betty. You know what else is a lovely memory? That Sunday I spent 8 hours helping you to join the Wilford Brimley fan club. You don't remember that, do you?

Quote from Elliot

Jake: If everything's all right here, I'm kinda on my way to the airport. I'm going kayaking with some friends in New Zealand.
Elliot: Cool. So, what are you gonna do there?
Jake: Mostly kayaking.

Quote from J.D.

Jake: So, Betty, I'll check on you the second I get back, okay? You get better now.
J.D.: So, Elliot, the first thing we're gonna need to do is-
Betty: Is Dr. Reid coming back?
J.D.: Oh, don't worry about her, Betty. You're in good hands with Dr. Dorian.
Betty: Who's that?
J.D.: That's me, Betty, Dr. Dorian. Cocoon. Wilford Brimley, Steve Guttenberg, the whole day. No?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Hey, Jake. So, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, uh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Elliot: No, I'm just kidding. I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad, it's like a general mustiness. Like, you know, when you get your cast taken off, and, skin mold.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Look, Dr. Cox, I'm sure you're fantastic at picking up men. Really. But I can handle this one on my own. Thank you. [Jenny bumps into Elliot as she walks by] Ow! Some people just cannot take a good "your mom is dead" joke, you know.

Quote from Turk

Therapist: Chris, what's going on with you?
Turk: Nothing worth talking about.
Therapist: This is your third visit, and you've yet to say anything real about how you're feeling.
Turk: That's because I don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.
Therapist: I think you pretend that everything's okay, even though deep down inside, a lot of things are bothering you. So, come on. Tell me what you're thinking right now.
Turk: I'm staring at that picture above your head. Yeah, now, is that one of those psychological ink-blot tests where I try to figure out what it is? Because if so I'm seeing a duck.

Quote from J.D.

Betty: So, what are my choices?
J.D.: Well, we could put you on a breathing machine, but it's unlike that you'd ever come off of it. Or I could just make sure that you're as comfortable as possible.
J.D.: [v.o.] "As comfortable as possible." I've said that a million times and I still have no idea what it means.
[fantasy: Betty's room is filled with soft, fluffy balls of cotton:]
J.D.: There you go, Betty. That's every cotton ball in the hospital.
Betty: Oh, I am very, very comfortable.
J.D.: Then you're ready to die.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [v.o.] Oh, my god, here he comes. Ok, this is easy. Just compliment him. Tell him he has a square head.
That's not a compliment. What shape is a compliment? Triangle? Uh, pyramid? Circle. Circle head. Oh, my god, you're stuck on shapes, and square head's almost here! To hell with it. Just do what Dr. Cox said and ignore him.

Quote from J.D.

Jake: Just admit it. You've been sent from the future to destroy me.
J.D.: I am not from the future, Jake. Gesundheit, Carol. [Carol sneezes] Yes! It finally worked! What are the odds?
Jake: I don't know what the odds are, J.D. What I do know is I'm about to go down to my truck, get my kyak paddle and go Greg Barton on your ass.
J.D.: Who's Greg Barton?
Jake: He's a famous kayaker.
J.D.: Oh, Greg Barton.
Jake: I hate you, J.D.
J.D.: I know.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Elliot, so you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly. But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closet full of tiny T-shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego. I have a giant ego.
Elliot: Damn it! I knew that.
Carla: Would you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?
Elliot: You're amazing.
Dr. Cox: And I'm in.

Quote from Janitor

Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.
Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What did you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'cause if you hurt her-
Jake: I didn't say anything. Everyone around here is crazy.
Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you.
Jake: A bag of rats? Are those alive?
Janitor: Most of 'em are. I put a dead one in the middle. That way all the live ones get a good look at him they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?
Jake: I very much don't.
Janitor: It's pretty simple. Take a canvas bag... Jailbreak!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Look, you're gonna do whatever you want with your sister, but Jake's just trying to help. He's a stand-up guy, and I think you should leave him alone. If you do I think it will be dy-no-mite. Sorry, I was just watching Good Times in the doctors lounge.
Dennis: Yeah. I'm gonna screw him to the wall.
J.D.: Can you believe this guy?
Dr. Kelso: Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine, even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her.
J.D.: Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't say it wasn't funny. I just said it happened. Come on. When's the last time you saw a glimpse of humanity in this place?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Barbie, go get him, I believe in you.
Elliot: No, you don't. You just want me to go and embarrass myself so you can laugh at me. Just like the time you told me the hospital fund raiser was a costume party. I walked into a black-tie dinner dressed as Clarence Thomas.
Dr. Cox: I was in a costume, too.
Elliot: You wore an Armani tux.
Dr. Cox: I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself. How do you not get that?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] And another man realized it's OK to be a decent human being for once.
Dr. Cox: Well he's definitely leaving for good this time there, Barbie. I'd- I'd say go for it.
Elliot: Why won't you leave me alone?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because the NHL is on strike, and I'm not getting my fill of toothless men knocking the hell out of each other. Or maybe because for the first time in 4 years, I'd actually like to see happy, for a change. Believe whatever you want. I don't really care. Jake the Snake is bearing down and if I were you, I'd step up to him, look him straight in the eye with those beautiful blues and invite him out for a cup of coffee before he escapes.


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