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33Quotes from ‘My Mentor’

Scrubs: My Mentor

102. My Mentor

Aired October 4, 2001

J.D. tries to get through to a young patient about the dangers of smoking. Meanwhile, Elliot gets off on the wrong foot with the nurses, and Turk asks Carla out.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: How's it goin'?
Janitor: I'm 37 years old and I'm a janitor. How do you think it's going?
J.D.: Now, there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Janitor: Really? Thank you, you've turned my life around. I'm going to have to go tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whozits, Dr. Nothing. No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Hi, how are you? I need David Farr's chart.
Nurse Roberts: We all need lots of things.
Elliot: Great. Dr. Kelso? You're the Chief of Medicine. Is there a special way to communicate with nursing staff that I'm not getting?
Dr. Kelso: Well, sugar won't work because they're already so sweet. Now, listen, Dr. Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, you tattled yesterday, I responded. I feel closer to you than ever, really. But the ramifications are yours. So don't try to drag me into your pathetic, whiny, little squabble with that Godawful bunch of malcontents. I hope you all kill each other. Have a great day, ladies.
Elliot: I hate this place.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You're to return that umbrella to me at the hospital. Not here. Is that clear? And, Newbie... Know what your problem is?
J.D.: My bones hurt?
Dr. Cox: You were gonna, what, rescue me from loneliness with a $3 six-pack of light beer? It turns out we can't save people from themselves, Newbie. We just treat 'em. We treat that kid with a respiratory problem and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that, too.
J.D.: Well, thanks for the pick-me-up.
Dr. Cox: Hey! Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is that if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well... You're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all. Now come here and give me a hug. It's OK, come here. Oh, get outta here! And take this piss water with you. It's embarrassing to have it here.
Man: [o.s.] I'll drink it!
Dr. Cox: Eh, I'll take the beer. You'll beat it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] The human brain is remarkable. Once a day for nine years I thought I'd lost my watch because I can't remember which wrist it's on. And yet, just after two weeks, all the things that scared me at first are like second nature. Catheters, chest tubes, IVs. Everything has started to click.
["Good Time" by Leroy plays]
Dr. Kelso: [music stops] Are you? Because if you have time to listen to music, then I assume you have time to finish your paperwork.
Janitor: [sings] Having a good time.... Keep moving.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox? I know I'm being annoying, but I'm really getting used to talking to patients. This is why I became a doctor, right? Right?
Dr. Cox: I heard, "I know I'm being annoying" and then white noise.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Will, I got him to quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: For ever?
J.D.: Uh-uh.
Dr. Cox: No last one? The last ones are better than sex. Trust me, I've had 1,000 of them.
J.D.: Done forever, he swore to me. I reached him. I reached him.
[Dr. Cox opens a stairwell door and finds Will smoking]
Dr. Cox: You're having a big day, there, Susan.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Cox, about Will.
Dr. Cox: Not now! I've a 10-minute break and my soap is on. [to Doug] Hey, Skeech, if you do go ahead and change the channels, I swear I'll suture your hands together.
J.D.: Right. So with Will-
Dr. Cox: Oh, this woman is just fantastic. I mean, the breasts are probably fake but by God, those tears are real.
J.D.: [v.o.] Time for a bold move.
[After J.D. turns off the TV, Dr. Cox snorts like a wild animal]
J.D.: I need to know how we are gonna fix this thing with Will?
Dr. Cox: Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lapdog privileges.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.
J.D.: [scoffs] I'm not your lapdog.
Dr. Cox: Hey, you back there. What do we do with lapdogs who can't behave in the house?
Doug: Make them stay outside?
Dr. Cox: That's right. You now have five seconds to get out of this room, otherwise I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this. [J.D. laughs] Don't laugh, this isn't a joke, Newbie. Get out.
J.D.: But I was thinking-
Dr. Cox: [throws paper] Go! [to Doug] What do you want to watch there, Captain Courage?
Doug: Days of our Lives?
Dr. Cox: Attaboy.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Hi. Move your butt.
Turk: Okay.
Elliot: Peace offering? Look, Turk, I know I don't always make the best first impression. Or second, for that matter. [laughs] Anyway, I'd like us to be friends, and I thought maybe I could get to know you a bit better. See what you're about. For instance, when did you meet Morgan Freeman?
Turk: That's my mom.
Elliot: I like her freckles.

Quote from Carla

Carla: "Take two Turks as needed, apply to sensitive areas..." Who wrote this?
Turk: Whassup? [chuckles] Oh, come on, Carla. Give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon, so you got the God complex, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You've no idea what I'm like, so all your feelings for me are coming from down there. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing, and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "No". So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite.
J.D.: I'd go with the God complex. But it's hard to choose. You know, they're all so good.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Oh, Dr. Reid. I just wanted to say, you're out of my doghouse. That was a great catch on that patient with meningococcus.
Elliot: That actually wasn't me, sir. Carla noticed the rash on his legs.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's fascinating. You could have been back into my good graces and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble. [laughs] I'll tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write "Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you. [laughs]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Do you think I've damaged ligaments?
Dr. Cox: I don't care. Now, can I count on you to never drop by here again? Or shall I just move?
J.D.: Oh, you can't leave a place with this much warmth. I especially love this shelf filled with photos of your friends and family.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, if he comes at you, just try and roll out the door.
Dr. Cox: Well, actually, you have a point. I guess watching the game by yourself with a Scotch isn't really the only way to watch a game, huh? I don't know. It's just that I've always thought of needing people as a sign of weakness.
J.D.: It's not.
Dr. Cox: Well, then... Would you stay and watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?
J.D.: Of course I will.
Dr. Cox: I can braid your hair. No, I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon.
[A group of men enter the apartment and wave to Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: Hey, you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. Just ignore them. And will you tell me the answer to this question. Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

Quote from Turk

Turk: I'm telling you, Kelso didn't even ask her and she gave you full credit.
Carla: I don't care. Too little too late. Plus, I know why you're really here. So I'm gonna plop myself right here in the VIP section, so you can give me what you got.
Turk: I was gonna tell you how I busted J.D.'s chops the other day for wanting to be friends with a girl. And now I find it so amazing to see how strong you are, how well you carry yourself, how I'd give anything to wake up and watch you read the paper. But instead I think you should hop off your broom for a second, try and remember what it was like when you first started here and give Elliot a break. Because she may be a chore but she is a good person. And your ass is especially fine today.
Carla: Pick me up tomorrow at seven.
Turk: [quietly to himself] She's not the only one who can do a speech. I can do a speech.

Quote from J.D.

Will: This is a strange resort, man. I mean, the wheelchair service is great but that suite I rented, there was another person in it. And, for some reason, the bellhop gave me an enema.
J.D.: Yeah, he's new here.
Will: So... Anything you wanna say?
J.D.: You know it all, man.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I hated Will a little. Because thanks to him, I started to look at all the people who are important to me in terms of what will probably kill them. [Turk eating a burger] Heart disease. [Dr. Cox drinking Scotch] Liver disease. [Elliot cringing after putting her foot in it] Somebody choking her. [J.D. looking in a mirror] I don't know. Probably stress.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Geez, J.D., would you be a man? Look it, if you can't stick to your convictions, you'll never make it as a doctor.
[fantasy scene: J.D.'s head explodes:]
Dr. Cox: I can't believe your head exploded. If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor. I mean, come on. You look ridiculous.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I had a run-in with that nurse, Carla, yesterday. She forgot to check the stats on a patient and then she gave me attitude about it.
J.D.: What, did you tell on her or something?
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Who's responsible for this?
Elliot: She is.
[present:]
Elliot: I don't remember.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: And why would you automatically assume it was my fault? I mean...
J.D.: [v.o.] It'd be a good point, except Elliot puts her foot in her mouth. A lot. She can't really seem to stop.
Elliot: Just because I occasionally say something stupid doesn't mean I go door-to-door annoying people, like some crazed Jehovah's Witness. [laughs] Oh, you're not?
Turk: No.
Elliot: [sigh of relief]
Turk: My mother is.
Elliot: [chokes]
J.D.: He's black, too. You should tease him about that.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Multilobar pneumonia at 31. How much does this guy smoke?
J.D.: I don't know.
Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, that it's your attention to detail that impresses me most. How many packs a day, genius?
Will: Half a pack.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day, really?
Will: Eleven. Now, you don't know where I'm coming from. [Dr. Cox whistles] Two or three packs.

Quote from Todd

J.D.: [v.o.] I never really know what to say to Turk's stupid surgery buddies. But I'm getting better.
J.D.: So... How's surgery?
Todd: It rocks. But my bedroom, that's where I really operate. Am I right? Come on, show Todd some love!
J.D.: [v.o.] I hate showing Todd love.
[J.D. high-fives Todd]

Quote from Todd

Carla: Hey, Bambi, why are you slumming with these scalpel jocks?
Turk: Please, baby. This here's the VIP table. Why don't you sit your fine self down?
[Carla walks off]
J.D.: [chuckles] "Baby, this here's the VIP table"
Turk: I'm not really interested in her.
Todd: Yeah? Then maybe the Todd'll show that little biscuit some love. [chuckles]
[fantasy scene: Turk cracks the Todd's neck]
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe he's a bit interested.
Todd: Fine. Todd'll show himself some love.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: I'm thinking about asking Carla out today. What do you think?
J.D.: I think the janitor's out to get me.
Turk: Wow. Thank you so much for your help. You know what, why don't you just be a little more paranoid?
J.D.: Wait, Turk.
Janitor: [to a gruff man in a white sleeveless jacket] That's him.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I got Will's CT results back. No cancer. So what shall I tell him?
Dr. Cox: I'd open with that.
J.D.: Well, it's just he's headed down such a bad road, I thought maybe you and I could talk to him...
J.D.: [v.o.] When you have a mentor, you understand the meaning behind their words.
Dr. Cox: You do whatever you want.
J.D.: [v.o.] Means "Great idea".
Dr. Cox: I'm just happy you haven't messed up yet today.
J.D.: [v.o.] Means "You're really coming along as a doctor".
Dr. Cox: Don't ever touch me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Means "Don't ever touch him".
J.D.: Just thought it was a nice moment.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Carla, I shouldn't have told Dr. Kelso on you.
Carla: No, you shouldn't have.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, the comfortable silences.
Carla: But thank you for apologizing.
J.D.: Okay, good.
Elliot: I wanna make one thing clear.
J.D.: Nothing needs to be clear.
[fantasy scene: Elliot digging her own grave at a cemetery as Carla and J.D. stand over her:}
Elliot: I still think you were in the wrong. Checking orthostatics is your job and I need to know you'll take care of it. That's all I'm saying.
[reality:]
Elliot: There. All better.


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