J.D.: How's it goin'?
Janitor: I'm 37 years old and I'm a janitor. How do you think it's going?
J.D.: Now, there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Janitor: Really? Thank you, you've turned my life around. I'm going to have to go tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whozits, Dr. Nothing. No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.

Elliot: Hi, how are you? I need David Farr's chart.
Nurse Roberts: We all need lots of things.
Elliot: Great. Dr. Kelso? You're the Chief of Medicine. Is there a special way to communicate with nursing staff that I'm not getting?
Dr. Kelso: Well, sugar won't work because they're already so sweet. Now, listen, Dr. Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, you tattled yesterday, I responded. I feel closer to you than ever, really. But the ramifications are yours. So don't try to drag me into your pathetic, whiny, little squabble with that Godawful bunch of malcontents. I hope you all kill each other. Have a great day, ladies.
Elliot: I hate this place.

Dr. Cox: You're to return that umbrella to me at the hospital. Not here. Is that clear? And, Newbie... Know what your problem is?
J.D.: My bones hurt?
Dr. Cox: You were gonna, what, rescue me from loneliness with a $3 six-pack of light beer? It turns out we can't save people from themselves, Newbie. We just treat 'em. We treat that kid with a respiratory problem and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that, too.
J.D.: Well, thanks for the pick-me-up.
Dr. Cox: Hey! Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is that if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well... You're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all. Now come here and give me a hug. It's OK, come here. Oh, get outta here! And take this piss water with you. It's embarrassing to have it here.
Man: [o.s.] I'll drink it!
Dr. Cox: Eh, I'll take the beer. You'll beat it.

J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox? I know I'm being annoying, but I'm really getting used to talking to patients. This is why I became a doctor, right? Right?
Dr. Cox: I heard, "I know I'm being annoying" and then white noise.

J.D.: [v.o.] The human brain is remarkable. Once a day for nine years I thought I'd lost my watch because I can't remember which wrist it's on. And yet, just after two weeks, all the things that scared me at first are like second nature. Catheters, chest tubes, IVs. Everything has started to click.
["Good Time" by Leroy plays]
Dr. Kelso: [music stops] Are you? Because if you have time to listen to music, then I assume you have time to finish your paperwork.
Janitor: [sings] Having a good time.... Keep moving.

J.D.: Will, I got him to quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: For ever?
J.D.: Uh-uh.
Dr. Cox: No last one? The last ones are better than sex. Trust me, I've had 1,000 of them.
J.D.: Done forever, he swore to me. I reached him. I reached him.
[Dr. Cox opens a stairwell door and finds Will smoking]
Dr. Cox: You're having a big day, there, Susan.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, about Will.
Dr. Cox: Not now! I've a 10-minute break and my soap is on. [to Doug] Hey, Skeech, if you do go ahead and change the channels, I swear I'll suture your hands together.
J.D.: Right. So with Will-
Dr. Cox: Oh, this woman is just fantastic. I mean, the breasts are probably fake but by God, those tears are real.
J.D.: [v.o.] Time for a bold move.
[After J.D. turns off the TV, Dr. Cox snorts like a wild animal]
J.D.: I need to know how we are gonna fix this thing with Will?
Dr. Cox: Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lapdog privileges.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.
J.D.: [scoffs] I'm not your lapdog.
Dr. Cox: Hey, you back there. What do we do with lapdogs who can't behave in the house?
Doug: Make them stay outside?
Dr. Cox: That's right. You now have five seconds to get out of this room, otherwise I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this. [J.D. laughs] Don't laugh, this isn't a joke, Newbie. Get out.
J.D.: But I was thinking-
Dr. Cox: [throws paper] Go! [to Doug] What do you want to watch there, Captain Courage?
Doug: Days of our Lives?
Dr. Cox: Attaboy.

Elliot: Hi. Move your butt.
Turk: Okay.
Elliot: Peace offering? Look, Turk, I know I don't always make the best first impression. Or second, for that matter. [laughs] Anyway, I'd like us to be friends, and I thought maybe I could get to know you a bit better. See what you're about. For instance, when did you meet Morgan Freeman?
Turk: That's my mom.
Elliot: I like her freckles.

Carla: "Take two Turks as needed, apply to sensitive areas..." Who wrote this?
Turk: Whassup? [chuckles] Oh, come on, Carla. Give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon, so you got the God complex, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You've no idea what I'm like, so all your feelings for me are coming from down there. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing, and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "No". So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite.
J.D.: I'd go with the God complex. But it's hard to choose. You know, they're all so good.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, Dr. Reid. I just wanted to say, you're out of my doghouse. That was a great catch on that patient with meningococcus.
Elliot: That actually wasn't me, sir. Carla noticed the rash on his legs.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's fascinating. You could have been back into my good graces and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble. [laughs] I'll tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write "Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you. [laughs]