Dr. Cox: OK, the antibiotics have brought your fever down. Is there anything else I can do?
Mr. Russell: Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Streetcar Named Desire. Would you mind running lines with me?
Dr. Cox: I'd be happy to.
Mr. Russell: "If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you."
Dr. Cox: I can't believe you think I'd do this with you. Are you insane? Seriously, I'm a doctor.
Mr. Russell: What page are you on?
Dr. Cox: [groans]

Dr. Marston: Stress is often a factor in conception. So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue?
[flashback:]
Carla: I swear, if you don't knock me up tonight, there's no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time.
[present:]
Turk: There's a little stress.

J.D.: It's not like nurses know everything.
J.D.: [v.o.] Uh-oh. Carla's gearing up to explode. Save yourself. Attempt the casual side-switch. And you're there. Now angry at Kelso.
J.D.: Bob, how dare you?
Carla: Exactly. You're worried about what I can handle? Vascular Surgery wants an update every two hours on bed 1, I'm weaning Mrs. Jones' dopamine from ten mikes to five, Mrs. Meyerson's abdominal wound is dehiscing and Mr. Wilder is turfed to Psych because he thinks he's Flo from Alice.
Mr. Wilder: Kiss my grits!
Carla: Exactly, Flo! Exactly!
J.D.: I hope you learned something today.

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Elliot and Keith were serious, she started buying him gifts.
Keith: [laughs] It's a mouth harp! Oh, awesome!
J.D.: [v.o.] Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents. But you know what he was best at?
J.D.: Keith, we need more popcorn, yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] Being girl bait. Here's how it goes down. Keith comes back, Elliot marks her territory so the girls know he's taken, and I just pick off one of the smaller, weaker ones that comes by for a look-see.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. I'm a landowner. Burt Reynolds is my father. I love sports. [empties bowl] Keith, more popcorn.

J.D.: Personally, me, I believe medicine is about more than treating the disease. You've got to be there for people. Take Mrs. Cohen. When she broke her hip, I treated that. But she had also left her car double-parked, so being an "extra mile" kind of guy, I went and took care of it.
[flashback to J.D. driving a monster truck over a parked car:]
J.D.: Sorry. It's been a little while since I drove stick.
[present:]
J.D.: I wonder how she got out of that truck? [claps] That's how she broke her hip.

J.D.: All I'm saying is it's important to go the extra mile with patients. It's like I was telling this girl.
Dr. Cox: Why'd you tell her that?
J.D.: I didn't. I just wanted to show you who I'm going out with tonight.
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, there's a reason that I can't go the extra mile with patients. It's something personal.
J.D.: You can confide in me.
Dr. Cox: I'm a good doctor. Kelly Ripa!
J.D.: [v.o.] It didn't bother me Dr. Cox had just "Kelly Ripa'd" me, because I knew it would never catch on, no matter how much he wanted it to.

Turk: All right, Jake, here it is, the latest Vengeance. I had to travel to five stores to find that.
Jake: This is last month's.
Turk: Look, I'll track down the new one for you later, but right now, I got to make sure I have a job next year, OK?
J.D.: [v.o.] Since there were only three attending spots for ten residents, Dr. Kelso could basically treat them like his own personal valets.
[The residents wash Dr. Kelso's car as soon as he parks up]
[Turk follows behind Dr. Kelso and Baxter with a doggy poop bag]
[As Dr. Kelso searches for a pen, the residents all offer him one. Turk sweetens the deal with a lollypop]
Dr. Kelso: All-day sucker, my ass. Try 20 minutes.

Dr. Kelso: Attention, surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year. The annual blood drive is upon us and I will be needing a volunteer to greet our donors as the hospital's new mascot, the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr. Prick. We'll probably change the name.

Doug: You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Right now, I'm looking for something, and I know I came to the vending machine, then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here, and, yep, there you are. As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children. Big dead children.

J.D.: You know what, I'm stuck, man. I have to shave this down.
Dr. Cox: No, you don't. You don't have to go the extra mile. That's what I'm trying to tell you. What the hell happened to the days when you used to listen to me?
J.D.: That was a long time ago. Maybe you should listen to me for once.
Dr. Cox: Not in this lifetime. Listen, Newbie, you're not a completely, terribly, horrible, incompetent doctor. While I would never let any blood relatives be your patient, if it was someone that I knew, an acquaintance, I might be OK with you treating them.
J.D.: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: The only thing you owe Carol is to treat her the best you can.