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35Quotes from ‘My Urologist’

Scrubs: My Urologist

523. My Urologist

Aired May 16, 2006

J.D. finds himself fascinated by a urologist at the hospital, Kim (guest star Elizabeth Banks), who he hasn't noticed before in the past five years. Meanwhile, Elliot starts to have doubts about her relationship with Keith, Carla is experiencing pregnancy mood swings, and Dr. Kelso insists he isn't afraid of the Janitor.

Quote from Kim

[as the Scrubs theme plays:]
Kim: That's backwards. It's been bugging me for years.

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Quote from Kim

Kim: Mr. Peters, I looked at your CT scan and I recommend we don't do surgery.
Mr. Peters: Great.
Kim: This is goodbye for us, but I'm leaving you in the capable hands of Dr. John D. Dorian. You take care. [to J.D.] I gave you a new middle initial. It reassures patients for some reason. In my mind, the "D" stands for "Dallas" because I just got finished telling Mr. Peters that's where I lost my virginity. Don't know how we got down that path. Something about that old man just makes me want to open up.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Why are you breaking up with Keith?
Elliot: Look, Keith is sweet, but after watching him get walked on again this morning, I feel like I need a stronger man in my life. I want what you have, someone who will stand up for me when I really need it, you know? Someone as confident as Turk or as brave as Dr. Cox or as... I'm sorry, Laverne, I don't really know your husband. What are some of Mr. Roberts good qualities?
Nurse Roberts: Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix, and when it rains, he carries me to the car.
Elliot: And you guys have been together, what, 60 years?
Nurse Roberts: I'm 48, and I'm done here.
Elliot: My bad.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I know you think I'm just being crazy, but Elliot, you should not give up on Keith. You say he's not strong enough for you because he keeps getting stepped on at work, but that's what it's like for interns. You're just doing what we all do when we start to get serious in a relationship, you're freaking out and you're trying to poke holes in it. Remember when I started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
Turk: Baby!
J.D.: Relax, Brown Bear. There's no shame in cry-maxing.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Look, one of the reasons interns have so much trouble putting in chest tubes is because it is a violent procedure. You must not be scared, though, children. You need to use force to get the tube between the ribs, then pop it through the pleura. What do you say there, Lis? You can do this.
Keith: Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with this.
Dr. Cox: Then you shouldn't have lost my teaching mannequin.
Keith: I don't know what happened to it.
[elsewhere, the mannequin is wearing a custodial uniform in the passenger seat of the Janitor's van:]
Janitor: Hello, carpool lane. [laughs] So, what movie do you want to see?
[reality:]
Lisa: Inserting chest tube.
Keith: Ow! Lisa! God, he was joking!
Dr. Cox: Yes, I was, Lisa. Now take the rest of the afternoon off and think about what you did here today. This is a warning, people. Anybody else who hurts Keith is going to get the exact same treatment as Lisa. Good day.
Elliot: Nothing like watching your boyfriend get humiliated daily.
Gloria: Purple nurple!
Keith: [screaming]

Quote from Kim

J.D.: [v.o.] Uh, Turk talking to a new staff member. Give her a special treat and say hello.
J.D.: Hello!
Turk: J.D., I'm sure you know Kim Briggs.
J.D.: Uh, no, you big knucklehead, I don't. On behalf of everyone here at Sacred Heart, I'd like to say konichiwa.
Kim: I've been here five years, big guy.
J.D.: I know that, Kim. It's a game. What's your name? It's Turk. What's that guy's name? I don't know. It's a patient. Looks like a Dave. Are you Dave? Maybe he's a Dave. We don't know. Hey.
Kim: Torture him about this.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: How come I never noticed her before?
Turk: Oh, because she wears a wedding ring. Yeah, you don't notice women who wear wedding rings.
[a series of flashbacks with Kim inserted in the background: J.D. celebrating intubating a patient on his first day, Ben's funeral, and J.D. singing Kung-Fu Fighting in the elevator]
Turk: [v.o.] Kim was here on your first day. She was at Ben's funeral. Dude, she's been around.

Quote from J.D.

Gift Shop Girl: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: I thought you died.
Gift Shop Girl: No, I just got married.
J.D.: But I sent your family flowers.
Gift Shop Girl: I know. You bought them from me. It was kind of weird.
[Gift shop girl puts her ring back on and disppears]
J.D.: Gift shop girl!
Gift Shop Girl: [invisible] What? Stop that!
J.D.: Sorry.

Quote from Kim

J.D.: I had checked up on Kim. She got along with everybody. All the guys liked her.
Kim: Cover up, sailors. Chick on deck. I need a few extra towels for the ladies' locker room.
Todd: Oh, I got a towel for you. Yah!
[Kim grabs the towel Todd was "rat-tailing "and quickly wraps it around her hair]
Kim: Thanks, Todd.
J.D.: [v.o.] All the women liked her.
[Nurse Roberts, Elliot, and Lisa take the towels Kim gave them and quickly wrap them around their hair]
Kim: I just love that every woman knows how to do that.
J.D.: [v.o.] She even got along with the greasers.
Kim: Guys, I know everyone gives you a hard time, but trust me, this look is coming back.
J.D.: [v.o.] I never got a synchronized snap from the greasers.

Quote from Kim

Kim: Mr. Peters, having a gal urologist might seem a little uncomfortable, but the penis is just another excretory organ, so let's take the stigma off of it. Now, this is the length of the average penis.
J.D.: [v.o.] What?!
Mr. Peters: That seems about right.
Kim: Good for you. I was just messing with Dr. Dorian over there.
J.D.: You know what? I'm not talking to any of you guys. [exits]
Kim: [laughing] I know, right?
J.D.: [enters] You lie! [lifts up Mr. Peter's blanket] Oh, my God!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Hey, Dorian, can I borrow that pencil for a second? Just one second? Thank you. [fake Italian accent] Oh, no. I snapped the pencil. What do you think? It's from my standup act.
J.D.: Where do you perform?
Janitor: I'm at the Giggle Pit every Monday at sunup.
J.D.: Oh, I'll have to come by sometime.
Janitor: Do it, man.
J.D.: Wait a second, I'm mad at you. You stole my video camera with all the scenes from Dr. Acula, the vampire movie I'm making.
Janitor: Why do you think I stole it?
J.D.: I don't know. Maybe I was surfing the hospital's Web site and I saw that someone posted the "Dr. Acula delivers a baby then eats it" scene. Someone with the screen name "Rotinaj." "Rotinaj" is just "Janitor" spelled backwards, Rotinaj.
Janitor: Morning, Dr. Rotinaj.
Indian Doctor: Good morning, Mr. Clean-Up-Man.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Listen up, nametags. I need to wire some cash to my son so he can make bail. Apparently, that musical he was producing was just a front for a crystal meth lab. And here's the kicker: He fled to Toronto, so now the freaking Mounties are involved. Anyhoo, I need somebody to zip out to my house and grab $400.
Janitor: I'll do it. I shouldn't be mopping in here anyway. This is a rug.
J.D.: [sloshing] Don't let him in your house, sir. He'll steal everything you've got like he stole my camera.
Dr. Kelso: You know the difference between you and me, Dorian?
J.D.: Your melon-sized prostate, sir?
Dr. Kelso: I will never fear this man. You think I'm afraid of you, chief?
Janitor: No, sir, I do not.
Dr. Kelso: Now, look, I keep my extra cash in a pickle jar on the top shelf over the sink. Enid wants that jar so bad she can taste it. [laughs] Oh, right. You don't remember she's paralyzed and can't stand out of her wheelchair. That's why you're not laughing.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. We're not laughing because we're all horrified.
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Well, it tickles me.

Quote from Turk

Turk: OK, honey, I know Elliot upset you with this whole Keith thing, but listen, we're all gonna be extra, extra sensitive so you don't get riled up, OK?
Elliot: I'm wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?
Turk: She's pregnant, she's not a bull.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Hey, girl. What are you doing? Want to get some coffee later?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then, the ultimate Cox-block.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Hey. Why isn't Mr. Peters in there getting surgery?
Kim: I decided against it.
J.D.: Yeah, she thought it would be best if I treated him medically.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, nobody's ever thought that, ever. And secondly, she's a cutter. When is the last time you ever met a cutter who didn't want to cut? Laverne, you've been here 40 years now. You ever heard of such a thing?
Nurse Roberts: I'm gonna kill somebody.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's always good to hear the truth.
Dr. Cox: Surgery is really the only thing that has a shot at curing this guy, and the reason that she's not going to do it is because he's older and because he's got heart issues, which makes him high risk. And if he were to drop dead on her operating table, well, that would make her surgery stats go down. And that wouldn't look very good on a young doctor's resume, would it?
J.D.: [v.o.] Even if it means losing respect for someone you might like.
Kim: What can I say? You got me.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: I know you took my money to buy that ridiculous coat.
Janitor: I bet you can't prove it.
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: Enid, you are my eyewitness. Did he take more than $400? Enid, is that a new pantsuit?
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
Janitor: All I think is that leather never goes out of style, and if you're going to keep money in a pickle jar, you should probably know how much is there, and it never hurts to buy your invalid wife something nice so maybe she can feel pretty. These are just general thoughts about life, nothing specific to you.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Cox, please weigh in.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. I would liken them to rocks, but that would insult rocks because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges with them, we throw them at those guys who wear tiny phones clipped to their heads. It's a phone. You can't do this? However-
J.D.: Now, back to the crux of the matter. Hit her, Per!
Dr. Cox: However, it is not Dr. Briggs' fault that she works in a broken system. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons who they think are flawless. Newbie, that's not the answer you thought you were going to hear, but as always, I don't care.
Kim: Thank God he didn't see this. [over ear piece] Yeah, Mom, I was listening the whole time. I just couldn't talk.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I don't want to do this.
Janitor: No problem. I'll just give the tape to the police.
Dr. Kelso: [over P.A.] Ladies and gentleman, this is your chief of medicine, Bob Kelso. "I feel compelled to tell you that I do, in fact, fear the Janitor. Honestly, is there anyone else with such a brilliant mind?"

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: [over P.A.] "So please join me in basking in the glow of the Janitor's awesome..." This isn't a word.
Janitor: Read it.
Dr. Kelso: "Fearitude. Good night."
Janitor: [imitating Edward Murrow over P.A.] And good luck. I loved that movie.


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