807. My New Role
Aired February 3, 2009
When Dr. Cox starts his first day as Chief of Medicine, everybody descends on him to ask for something. Carla is caught in the middle when she tries to improve relations between the nurses and doctors. Meanwhile, the Janitor pranks Dr. Cox, and Dr. Kelso tries to impart some wisdom from his time on the job.
Quote from Janitor
Dr. Kelso: So, the Janitor still doing the picture thing, huh?
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Well, every time he would ask me for a real office, I'd say no. So, now if anyone gets a nice, new office, he gets very angry and he uses that picture to drive them insane.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Now what the hell does a janitor need an office for, anyway?
[meanwhile, in the supply closet:]
Janitor: [on the phone] So you wanna discuss the urinal cake issue on Thursday, huh? Let me check my calendar. Alright, Steve. I'll.. huh? What did they do? Oh, hey, good one. A little racist. Yeah, you- You know what? Um, just give my love to Darlene, okay? Really? Syphilis, huh? Well, that's- I'm not a doctor, Steve, but... That seems unusual, even for syphilis.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Listen, if he wanted to find a place to hide your patient, he could. He's just stressed, and out of his elements, and hell, he's scared. And even if he hasn't realized it, this job is changing him already. Because it comes with a whole host of overwhelming responsibilities, including keeping this hospital afloat.
J.D.: I'd help him if he'd let me, but you know he won't.
Dr. Kelso: When I was Chief, and Dr. Cox came to begin complained about something, I would automatically say no. And if he never complained again, I'd know it wasn't that important. But if he came back and fought for it, over and over, I knew it was something that I have to take a look at. Now, he's me, and he's got this damn voice in his head telling him to say no all the time, and he desperately needs someone on the other side to tell him what he should do, whether he wants to hear it or not. And now, that person is you. Here we are.
J.D.: Will he at least be grateful?
Dr. Kelso: No. He's gonna hate you for it. Go!
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Kelso: Well, about time, champ. Beer me.
Dr. Cox: No problem. Just remember our deal. I bring the beer and you don't tell anybody that we are now spending time together.
Dr. Kelso: You're the new Chief, I'm the old Chief who better to guide you through it?
Dr. Cox: I was gonna hit floor and be a doctor like I have my entire career.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you kiss that idea good-bye. I spent so much time behind that desk dealing with red tape, my behind still has the imprint of the chair. You want to see? Since we're friends now, I can show you my butt.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I saw it 5 years ago at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party and I am still recovering. Honest to God, there are times when I close my eyes, and it's just there.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: That still doesn't change the fact that you are going to spend most of your day trapped in that office.
Dr. Cox: Look, there are a few key differences between us. For instance, I know that white leather shoes are never gonna be "classy". I believe that a yard should have trees, not gay little angel fountains. And I'm damn sure am not gonna be stuck in my office all day long.
Dr. Kelso: Enid picked up the damn fountains. I don't even like 'em.
Dr. Cox: Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Fine. I like to pretend that they're friendly stone people.
Dr. Cox: Alright, I'm partial to the one with the tiny wings and the flowers in her hair.
Dr. Kelso: That's Leslie.
Quote from Ted
Carla: I just had to come see it for myself. You are the Chief of Medicine.
Dr. Cox: I know.
Ted: It is great to see someone other than Kelso behind that desk.
Ted: This is the first time I've been allowed to use the couch. Dr. Kelso always made me stand. Even when I had thigh reconstruction surgery. His dog, Baxter, ate the lower half of my hamstring.
Quote from Janitor
Dr. Cox: What the hell is that?
Janitor: Some stupid gift from the Board. It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.
Carla: There's a hybrid in the parking lot.
Janitor: I might have the date wrong. So where do you want me to hang it?
Dr. Cox: Somebody else's office.
Janitor: Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died.
Dr. Cox: Doctors don't do that.
Janitor: Look at you, sticking with the plan.
Quote from Ted
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna stay in here all day, I wanna get out and see people, check on patients, maybe make an intern cry.
Ted: Actually, Dr. Cox, you need to look over the JAYCO paperwork and these nursing home transfer requests.
Carla: See you later.
[Ted bends down]
Dr. Cox: What are you doing there, Ted?
Ted: Oh, Dr. Kelso always used to sign his paperwork on my back. It's not so bad. I imagine it's what a hug feels like. Is it?
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna hug you, Ted.
Quote from Carla
Elliot: Why is Nelly giving you so much attitude?
Carla: Even though I'm the head nurse, I mostly hang with doctors, I'm married to a doctor, my best friend is a doctor.
Elliot: Who's your best friend?
Carla: You are.
Elliot: I know. I just wanted to hear you say that loud.
Carla: The point is: Nurses sometimes think I'm on the wrong team.
Elliot: How could they think that? You're like the most loyal person I know. Except for the time that you booed me off the stage at the karaoke bar.
Carla: Elliot, you're not allowed to sing 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot'.
Elliot: I just can't hit those low notes.
Carla: Sure, that's why.
Quote from J.D.
Katie: Mr. Vaughn is such a sweetie. Don't you wish you could just bring him home and take care of him yourself?
[fantasy: J.D. arrives home to Mr. Vaughn in his apartment:]
Mr. Vaughn: You're late.
J.D.: Not five seconds in the door, and it's already number three on Mr. Vaughn's Greatest Hits. You know, why stop there, Frank? Coming in at No. 2: "You Never Introduce Me To People At Parties". And at the top of the charts, as always, "What About My Feelings?"
Mr. Vaughn: I only say those things because I love you.
J.D.: Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.
J.D.: You know what? That might be a little weird.
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: Look, my pneumonia patient is being discharged, and he's not ready. If he goes home now, he could develop ARDS, he could relapse, even fall and break his hip. I need you to keep him in here longer.
Dr. Cox: Can't do it. The Board knows I pull strings for patients, and they're all over my ass. I gotta stay below the radar for a while.
J.D.: Okay, you know what? We're cool.
Dr. Cox: No, we're not cool.
J.D.: [v.o.] What? Why aren't we cool? Oh, must be because we're super cool. Ask him. Is it because-
Dr. Cox: And no, we're not super cool. Look, you seem to think that just because I have this new job, that suddenly I don't realize that the patients come first. That I've somehow forgotten what matters. For the love of God, I taught you what matters. You arrogant, pretentious, self-righteous, little jackass. [to the Janitor] Are you hammering in the perfect spots for emphasis?
Janitor: I was trying to, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's just terrific. Thank you for that. [to J.D.] And you, get the hell out of my office.