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34Quotes from ‘My New Role’

Scrubs: My New Role

807. My New Role

Aired February 3, 2009

When Dr. Cox starts his first day as Chief of Medicine, everybody descends on him to ask for something. Carla is caught in the middle when she tries to improve relations between the nurses and doctors. Meanwhile, the Janitor pranks Dr. Cox, and Dr. Kelso tries to impart some wisdom from his time on the job.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: So, the Janitor still doing the picture thing, huh?
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Well, every time he would ask me for a real office, I'd say no. So, now if anyone gets a nice, new office, he gets very angry and he uses that picture to drive them insane.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Now what the hell does a janitor need an office for, anyway?
[meanwhile, in the supply closet:]
Janitor: [on the phone] So you wanna discuss the urinal cake issue on Thursday, huh? Let me check my calendar. Alright, Steve. I'll.. huh? What did they do? Oh, hey, good one. A little racist. Yeah, you- You know what? Um, just give my love to Darlene, okay? Really? Syphilis, huh? Well, that's- I'm not a doctor, Steve, but... That seems unusual, even for syphilis.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Listen, if he wanted to find a place to hide your patient, he could. He's just stressed, and out of his elements, and hell, he's scared. And even if he hasn't realized it, this job is changing him already. Because it comes with a whole host of overwhelming responsibilities, including keeping this hospital afloat.
J.D.: I'd help him if he'd let me, but you know he won't.
Dr. Kelso: When I was Chief, and Dr. Cox came to begin complained about something, I would automatically say no. And if he never complained again, I'd know it wasn't that important. But if he came back and fought for it, over and over, I knew it was something that I have to take a look at. Now, he's me, and he's got this damn voice in his head telling him to say no all the time, and he desperately needs someone on the other side to tell him what he should do, whether he wants to hear it or not. And now, that person is you. Here we are.
J.D.: Will he at least be grateful?
Dr. Kelso: No. He's gonna hate you for it. Go!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Well, about time, champ. Beer me.
Dr. Cox: No problem. Just remember our deal. I bring the beer and you don't tell anybody that we are now spending time together.
Dr. Kelso: You're the new Chief, I'm the old Chief who better to guide you through it?
Dr. Cox: I was gonna hit floor and be a doctor like I have my entire career.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you kiss that idea good-bye. I spent so much time behind that desk dealing with red tape, my behind still has the imprint of the chair. You want to see? Since we're friends now, I can show you my butt.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I saw it 5 years ago at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party and I am still recovering. Honest to God, there are times when I close my eyes, and it's just there.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: That still doesn't change the fact that you are going to spend most of your day trapped in that office.
Dr. Cox: Look, there are a few key differences between us. For instance, I know that white leather shoes are never gonna be "classy". I believe that a yard should have trees, not gay little angel fountains. And I'm damn sure am not gonna be stuck in my office all day long.
Dr. Kelso: Enid picked up the damn fountains. I don't even like 'em.
Dr. Cox: Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Fine. I like to pretend that they're friendly stone people.
Dr. Cox: Alright, I'm partial to the one with the tiny wings and the flowers in her hair.
Dr. Kelso: That's Leslie.

Quote from Ted

Carla: I just had to come see it for myself. You are the Chief of Medicine.
Dr. Cox: I know.
Ted: It is great to see someone other than Kelso behind that desk.
Carla: Ted?
Ted: This is the first time I've been allowed to use the couch. Dr. Kelso always made me stand. Even when I had thigh reconstruction surgery. His dog, Baxter, ate the lower half of my hamstring.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: What the hell is that?
Janitor: Some stupid gift from the Board. It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.
Carla: There's a hybrid in the parking lot.
Janitor: I might have the date wrong. So where do you want me to hang it?
Dr. Cox: Somebody else's office.
Janitor: Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died.
Dr. Cox: Doctors don't do that.
Janitor: Look at you, sticking with the plan.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna stay in here all day, I wanna get out and see people, check on patients, maybe make an intern cry.
Ted: Actually, Dr. Cox, you need to look over the JAYCO paperwork and these nursing home transfer requests.
Carla: See you later.
[Ted bends down]
Dr. Cox: What are you doing there, Ted?
Ted: Oh, Dr. Kelso always used to sign his paperwork on my back. It's not so bad. I imagine it's what a hug feels like. Is it?
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna hug you, Ted.
Ted: Aw.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: Why is Nelly giving you so much attitude?
Carla: Even though I'm the head nurse, I mostly hang with doctors, I'm married to a doctor, my best friend is a doctor.
Elliot: Who's your best friend?
Carla: You are.
Elliot: I know. I just wanted to hear you say that loud.
Carla: The point is: Nurses sometimes think I'm on the wrong team.
Elliot: How could they think that? You're like the most loyal person I know. Except for the time that you booed me off the stage at the karaoke bar.
Carla: Elliot, you're not allowed to sing 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot'.
Elliot: I just can't hit those low notes.
Carla: Sure, that's why.

Quote from J.D.

Katie: Mr. Vaughn is such a sweetie. Don't you wish you could just bring him home and take care of him yourself?
[fantasy: J.D. arrives home to Mr. Vaughn in his apartment:]
Mr. Vaughn: You're late.
J.D.: Not five seconds in the door, and it's already number three on Mr. Vaughn's Greatest Hits. You know, why stop there, Frank? Coming in at No. 2: "You Never Introduce Me To People At Parties". And at the top of the charts, as always, "What About My Feelings?"
Mr. Vaughn: I only say those things because I love you.
J.D.: Well, you've got a funny way of showing it.
[reality:]
J.D.: You know what? That might be a little weird.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Look, my pneumonia patient is being discharged, and he's not ready. If he goes home now, he could develop ARDS, he could relapse, even fall and break his hip. I need you to keep him in here longer.
Dr. Cox: Can't do it. The Board knows I pull strings for patients, and they're all over my ass. I gotta stay below the radar for a while.
J.D.: Okay, you know what? We're cool.
Dr. Cox: No, we're not cool.
J.D.: [v.o.] What? Why aren't we cool? Oh, must be because we're super cool. Ask him. Is it because-
Dr. Cox: And no, we're not super cool. Look, you seem to think that just because I have this new job, that suddenly I don't realize that the patients come first. That I've somehow forgotten what matters. For the love of God, I taught you what matters. You arrogant, pretentious, self-righteous, little jackass. [to the Janitor] Are you hammering in the perfect spots for emphasis?
Janitor: I was trying to, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's just terrific. Thank you for that. [to J.D.] And you, get the hell out of my office.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: Are you finally finished with the project?
Janitor: Yep, all done. Oh, boy! I got the nail in there, but it's loose. You know what? I'm gonna go get some putty. If you just hold this right here, I'll be done in a second! Just hold it novel and tight. Bear the weight.
Dr. Cox: Here?
Janitor: Right there, I'll be back in one minute. You're doing great.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Cox: Oh, now what's with the lab coat, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, the old gal down in pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired so, she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.
Ted: [enters] Sir, I was just looking over the... Oh, dear God in Heaven!
Dr. Kelso: Still got it.
Dr. Cox: How's the pulse, Ted?
Ted: Nothing.
Dr. Cox: Why don't you go somewhere and lie down?
Ted: Ah, I don't need to go [unintelligible; walks into a wall]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Katie: I can't believe they're just kicking him out. What happened to all that pull you have with Dr. Cox?
J.D.: Look, he said his hands are tied on this one.
Dr. Kelso: Poppycock!
J.D.: What?
Howie: That's old man for "bullcrap".
Dr. Kelso: You're an odd duck, aren't you?
Howie: That's what they tell me, but I don't see it.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Look, Elliot, all nurses want is to be treated with the same respect that you doctors get treated with every single day.
Elliot: I do that.
Carla: You do with me. But what about all the other nurses? Like Barbara this morning? Were you as respectful as you could have been?
[flashback:]
Elliot: And ma'am, you should feel confident in the decision to give you Clindamycin, because it was made by someone who went to medical school, and not someone who turned to nursing after he failed career as a recording artist. And don't you dare try to kickbox me.
[present:]
Elliot: Maybe not totally respectful.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

[Dr. Kelso places a blanket over Ted as he sleeps on the couch in the break room]
Dr. Kelso: When he gets a startle like the one I gave him earlier, he usually sleeps about 18 hours. Have people been taking care of him since I left?
J.D.: We've all been pitching in. Spending time with him, taking him on walks. Who's a good boy?
Ted: [whimpers]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: So, why are you so afraid to get all up in Dr. Cox's grill?
J.D.: We both know we can occasionally be somewhat of a vengeful person.
[meanwhile, The Janitor is uncomfortably stood on the couch in Dr. Cox's office as he holds the painting up to the wall]
Janitor: This is demeaning.
Dr. Cox: I know, but that's where I want the picture for the rest of the day.


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