Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Dr. Cox: That's it! Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the first annual Sacred Heart "Who-Caresies" Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutia of their lives.
J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing was I think we all really wanted to win.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Going To Do About My Ex-Fiancee?". [applause] Dame Judy Dorian for "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging". [applause] Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth". [applause] The Todd for: "Look At My New Shirt". [awards-style split screen] And the winner is Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Suck on that, Tony Shalhoub!

[fantasy scene:]
J.D.: Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

Anchorwoman: We're almost ready. Is there anything you wanna say before we get started?
[fantasy: J.D. does the interview dressed as a professional wrestler:]
J.D.: Yeah, I've got something to say to Dr. Cox. I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see. And this Friday, at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam, I'm gonna give you a physical you ain't never gonna forget.
I'm gonna probe ya, 'cause I'm The Intern.
[reality:]
Anchorwoman: Nothing. OK, I'll be right back.

Carla: Okay, I have some news! We picked a date for the wedding. Tell 'em Turk. April 24th.
Elliot: No, way! Mine is April 25th! 2006! Oh, the place I love in Connecticut books up early so what the hell, took a shot.
J.D.: One, two, three...
J.D. & Turk: Crazy!
Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamt about your wedding day.
[fantasy:]
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.

Carla: What would you do with a hundred million dollars?
J.D.: Me? Floating Head Doctor.
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: Yeah, I'd spend the money researching how to successfully separate my head from my body. That way I could literally be in two places at once.
[fantasy:]
J.D.'s head: Looking good, Mr. Henderson. Looking real good, Nurse Myers. Uh-oh. He's flatlining! Body, come!
[J.D.'s body gets off an exercise bike and rushes over, crashing into a wall]
J.D.: Damn it! Starting CPR. [bangs head on patient's chest] Ow!
[reality:]
J.D.: There'd probably be some kinks to work out initially.

J.D.: Miss Brooks, your blood work looks fine. But I'd like to take one more sample, just for me.
[J.D. bites into the patients neck with his fangs and spits the blood out into a tube]
J.D.: You taste a little anemic. Get that down to the lab, buddy.
Keith: Right away, Dr. Acula.
J.D.: It's what they call me. How you doing?
[reality:]
J.D.: The end.
Turk: So Dr. Acula is a doctor and a vampire?
J.D.: He's both. And at the very end, I'm gonna put "Dr. Acula" across the screen, take that period, get it out of there, squish it together, it'll say "Dracula."
Turk: That is an awesome ending!
J.D.: Um, thank you for telling me what I already know, Turk.

Dr. Kelso: So what the hell did you think leaving this place was gonna be like?
J.D.: Well, I guess I felt there would be a lot of heartfelt goodbyes. When I was finally ready to leave, it'd be like one of those great old sitcom finales.
[fantasy: the Scrubs sad theme plays as J.D. walks out of the ICU, turning the lights off as he goes. The entire hospital's power goes off. Everybody inside panics:]
Dr. Cox: We got trouble in here.
Elliot: We all gonna die.
J.D.: [lights return] Why would they wire all the power through one switch? That seems crazy!

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess sometimes my theory about life and death balancing each other out in the hospital doesn't hold true. I guess sometimes you get lucky.
J.D.: What's going on?
Nurse Roberts: She's coding.
[fantasy, all singing:]
Elaine: Any minute now My ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon I'll stand on the bow Feel the waves come crashing
Turk: Come crashing down Down, down on me
Janitor: And you say, be still, my love
Carla: Open up your heart Let the light shine in
Dr. Kelso, Ted & Dr. Mitchell: Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: My real life to begin
All: Oh, don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: On a clear day I can see See See See See a very long way.
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: She's gone. You'll be OK?
J.D.: Yeah.