J.D.'s Best Fantasies
A collection of quotes featuring J.D.'s best fantasies.
Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?
J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.
Dr. Cox: That's it! Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the first annual Sacred Heart "Who-Caresies" Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutia of their lives.
J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing was I think we all really wanted to win.
Dr. Cox: And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Going To Do About My Ex-Fiancee?". [applause] Dame Judy Dorian for: "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging". [applause] Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth". [applause] The Todd for: "Look At My New Shirt". [awards-style split screen] And the winner is Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.
J.D.: [v.o.] Suck on that, Tony Shalhoub!
J.D.: Miss Brooks, your blood work looks fine. But I'd like to take one more sample, just for me.
[J.D. bites into the patients neck with his fangs and spits the blood out into a tube]
J.D.: You taste a little anemic. Get that down to the lab, buddy.
Keith: Right away, Dr. Acula.
J.D.: It's what they call me. How you doing?
J.D.: The end.
Turk: So Dr. Acula is a doctor and a vampire?
J.D.: He's both. And at the very end, I'm gonna put "Dr. Acula" across the screen, take that period, get it out of there, squish it together, it'll say "Dracula."
Turk: That is an awesome ending!
J.D.: Um, thank you for telling me what I already know, Turk.
J.D.: Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: So what the hell did you think leaving this place was gonna be like?
J.D.: Well, I guess I felt there would be a lot of heartfelt goodbyes. When I was finally ready to leave, it'd be like one of those great old sitcom finales.
[fantasy: the Scrubs sad theme plays as J.D. walks out of the ICU, turning the lights off as he goes. The entire hospital's power goes off. Everybody inside panics:]
Dr. Cox: We got trouble in here.
Elliot: We all gonna die.
J.D.: [lights return] Why would they wire all the power through one switch? That seems crazy!
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess sometimes my theory about life and death balancing each other out in the hospital doesn't hold true. I guess sometimes you get lucky.
J.D.: What's going on?
Nurse Roberts: She's coding.
[fantasy, all singing:]
Elaine: Any minute now My ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon I'll stand on the bow Feel the waves come crashing
Turk: Come crashing down Down, down on me
Janitor: And you say, be still, my love
Carla: Open up your heart Let the light shine in
Dr. Kelso, Ted & Dr. Mitchell: Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: My real life to begin
All: Oh, don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: On a clear day I can see See See See See a very long way.
Dr. Cox: She's gone. You'll be OK?
Anchorwoman: We're almost ready. Is there anything you wanna say before we get started?
[fantasy: J.D. does the interview dressed as a professional wrestler:]
J.D.: Yeah, I've got something to say to Dr. Cox. I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see. And this Friday, at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam, I'm gonna give you a physical you ain't never gonna forget.
I'm gonna probe ya, 'cause I'm The Intern.
Anchorwoman: Nothing. OK, I'll be right back.
J.D.: [v.o.] Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head, they can't possibly live up to my expectations, and I just end up disappointed. I'm not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end here. I guess it's because we all want to believe that what we do is very important, that people hang on to our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. After that, it's all about the people that you let into your life, and as my mind drifted to faces I've seen here before, I was taken to memories of family...
[fantasy: as J.D. walks through the corridors of the hospital, he imagines various people from his past:]
Dan: Hey, little brother.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of coworkers.
Todd: Goodbye five from the Big Dog.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of lost loves.
Jamie: You never called.
Alex: I miss you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even of those who've left us.
Jill Tracy: There you are!
Mrs. Wilk: Hi, tiger.
J.D.: [v.o.] And as I rounded that corner, they all came at me in a wave of shared experience.
Nurse Roberts: Keep it holy, Q-tip.
Ted's band: Boing, flip.
Mike: I broke my penis again, but this time it was fun.
Lloyd: Take care, bra. Take real good care.
Dr. Mickhead: I didn't kill her.
Randall: Way to leave a cherry gig, bra.
Leonard: I got me some white meat.
Dr. Zelzter: Key party later. There will be prostitutes.
Mrs. Tanner: Did you ever go on that picnic? Make sure you do.
Lonnie: I hate you so much, J.D.
Dr. Steadman: It's like a baguette.
Hooch: Hooch is crazy.
J.D.: [v.o.] And even though it felt warm and safe, I knew it had to end. It's never good to live in the past too long. As for the future, thanks to Dan, it didn't seem so scary anymore. It could be whatever I want it to be.
Carla: What would you do with a hundred million dollars?
J.D.: Me? Floating Head Doctor.
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: Yeah, I'd spend the money researching how to successfully separate my head from my body. That way I could literally be in two places at once.
J.D.'s head: Looking good, Mr. Henderson. Looking real good, Nurse Myers. Uh-oh. He's flatlining! Body, come!
[J.D.'s body gets off an exercise bike and rushes over, crashing into a wall]
J.D.: Damn it! Starting CPR. [bangs head on patient's chest] Ow!
J.D.: There'd probably be some kinks to work out initially.
Carla: Okay, I have some news! We picked a date for the wedding. Tell 'em Turk. April 24th.
Elliot: No, way! Mine is April 25th! 2006! Oh, the place I love in Connecticut books up early so what the hell, took a shot.
J.D.: One, two, three...
J.D. & Turk: Crazy!
Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamt about your wedding day.
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. The janitor's afraid of Carla! How could I use this to my advantage?
[fantasy: Carla berates the Janitor:]
Carla: Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do! And bring him a fruit smoothie every day.
Janitor: El gustaría de fresa o guineo? ["Would he like strawberry or banana?"]
J.D.: El coche del árbol morado con queso ["Purple tree car with cheese."]
Janitor: Mentiroso! ["Liar"]
[The Janitor removes the mask to reveal it's J.D.]
J.D.: Feliz Navidad.
J.D.: I'd have to learn Spanish.
J.D.: Rough day, huh? Well, maybe it would help to share with someone.
Carla: OK, you want in? You want me to open up?
J.D.: I think I can handle it.
[fantasy: Carla peels back her forehead, revealing a white, glowing source of heat:]
Carla: I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I think, I don't like the way I feel about how I look and think.
[Carla's brain shoots a heat ray at J.D.'s face, which melts]
Carla: I have too much hair, my boobs are too low, my butt is too big, and I am too short.
Carla: Plus, I woke up and cried because I thought I was getting wrinkles, but it turns out I just fell asleep on Turk's corduroy pants.
Spence: That guy?
J.D.: Yeah. Maybe it would be easier if I just told you whose butt I haven't had my fingers in.
Spence: Now, that's one of the perks you never hear about. You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?
J.D.: [v.o.] Dream job.
[fantasy: John Dorian, Chocolate King, sits in a chocolate office eating chocolate, with his assistant Turk writing on a chocolate typewriter. "The Candy Man" plays. As J.D. tires of the chocolate egg and chocolate hearts, he pulls off Turk's arm and bites off a finger:]
Turk: Hey, man, how am I supposed to finish this memo?
J.D.: I don't know.
Dr. Cox: Geez, J.D., would you be a man? Look it, if you can't stick to your convictions, you'll never make it as a doctor.
[fantasy scene: J.D.'s head explodes:]
Dr. Cox: I can't believe your head exploded. If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor. I mean, come on. You look ridiculous.
Turk: The family wants me to do a hip surgery. What are they thinking? The guy's 92.
Carla: He's their grandfather. It's not like he's a dog and they can go to a kennel and pick out another one.
[fantasy: J.D. is at a "grandfather kennel":]
Woman: We just got a lot of great new grandfathers in.
J.D.: OK. Ooh! Look at this one. He's so cute!
Old Man: Hey! Get out of my yard.
Woman: He's not good with people.
Woman: He's great, but we really don't want to separate them.
J.D.: Well, I already have a grandma.
J.D.: If I get one this little, everybody's gonna think I'm gay.
J.D.: Oh, look at this fellow. Come here, boy. Got a little hard candy for you. Come here, boy. Yes. Good boy. Who's a good boy? You got a candy you can unwrap in a movie theater.
J.D.: I'd name him Sebastian.
J.D.: [v.o.] I know it sounds melodramatic, but as I watched the two of them, they weren't battling for patients or for insurance, but for my soul.
Dr. Cox: She needed the TIPS...
Dr. Kelso: I've got you this time. I can taste it!
J.D.: [v.o.] It's an old story, really. Good versus bad. Right versus wrong. The dark side versus the light.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso as Darth Vader and Dr. Cox as Obi-Wan Kenobi battle as the others, also in Star Wars costumes, watch:]
Dr. Kelso: I've been waiting for this moment all my life.
Turk: Easy, Chewie.
Dr. Kelso: I'll teach you to respect this institution.
Dr. Cox: I hope you learn from this.
J.D.: [v.o.] Here's the problem with a surgical consult. I think Mr. Hoffner should be treated medically, but any surgeon is going to want to slice and dice him. You see, surgical and medical interns are like two rival gangs. Not real gangs. More like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.
[fantasy: J.D., Elliot and the medical doctors, Turk and the surgeons dance towards each other in the corridor]
All: Surgical, medical, surgical, yeah!
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I knew there was one surgical intern I could count on.
J.D.: [singing] If you have some moles I will inspect them
Turk: [singing] I'll remove tumours from your brain to your rectum
Both: [singing] Between the two of us there is no wall We're a surgeon and a doc Above it all A surgeon and a doc Above it All
Turk: I don't lose things.
Carla: Please, you lose everything. Sometimes I worry what you'll be like as a dad.
Turk: [on the phone] We're on our way back right now. Junior and I just went to pick up a pumpkin.
[Turk looks in the back and sees a pumpkin strapped into the kiddy chair]
Turk: I'm gonna have to call you back.
[meanwhile, at a pumpkin farm:]
Woman: Look, somebody left a baby here.
[Carla and Turk stand over their baby's crib, which now houses the pumpkin:]
Carla: Well, he is kind of cute.
[later, in the bathroom:]
Turk: Our baby's first bath.
Carla: Oh, watch the head.
[ten years later, Turk and Carla sit in the bleachers as the pitcher knocks the helmet off their pumpkin:]
Carla: What?! Come on! That was intentional!
Turk: Charge the mound, son!
Both: Charge the mound!
[twenty-one years later:]
Turk: We are so damn proud of you, son.
Carla: My little valedictorian.
[A man accidentally nudges Turk, sending the pumpkin splattering to the ground]
Turk: Put him back together, baby! No!
Young Man: Mom? Dad?
Carla: Son? Son?
Turk: Get over here, boy! You come and you give your father a hug!
[The young man is knocked down a bus]
Turk: Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time.
J.D.: You're gonna be an awful father!
Dr. Kelso: Our next patient is a 26-year-old male who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps and fever.
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess I never realized how hard rounds are on the patient. It feels like you're on display.
[fantasy: J.D. as Rodin's The Thinker as the doctors gather around:]
Dr. Kelso: Still, Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder, why didn't he spend a little less time thinking and a little more time at the gym?
J.D.: I do cardio.
J.D.: I think Dr. Cox would be more willing to help if he knew it was his baby.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox's head on the baby]
Dr. Cox: What do you say, Stephanie? How about you step up to the plate and tell the guy. My God, I'm only three weeks old and already I've got more stones than you do. One of mine hasn't even dropped yet.
J.D.: It's not my place to tell.
Dr. Cox: Whaa! Whaa! Whaa!
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I know that your ovaries are absolutely tingling at the furry sight of this little fellow, but you gotta snap out of it.
J.D.: [v.o.] There is not a doctor in the world that would disagree with Brian Dancer when he said.
Brian: Head wounds suck. I mean, I feel better but I still can't concentrate, and my motor skills are shot. Hell, I can't even write.
Ann Chase: Hi, Brian.
[fantasy: J.D. sees the attractive woman with angel wings behind her back and warm lighting]
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. It's an angel.
Nurse Roberts: That nasty burlesque dancer with syphilis forgot her damn ostrich feathers.
J.D.: We're little busy in here, Laverne.
[fantasy: Nurse Roberts flies away with the wings]
J.D.: That was a weird one.
J.D.: [v.o.] Since the geriatric wing was being remodeled, Turk were herding old people to their new rooms.
J.D.: That's a closet, Mr. Jenkins. Come on, Mr. Benedetti, you're only a few thousand tiny steps away.
Turk: J.D., we need to find a way to move these gomers faster.
[fantasy: J.D. leads the old people on a miniature train as The O'Jays "Love Train" plays:]
J.D.: All aboard! The love train.
J.D.: That was a fun fantasy. I wish it didn't have to end.
Turk: Wanna know what animal parts I'd want?
J.D.: I could guess.
J.D.: Man, there's no milk for my coffee.
Turk: Say no more. [squeezes udder]
J.D.: Thanks, Pal!
Turk: You're welcome. - You know what'd go great with that coffee?
J.D.: What's that?
J.D.: Turky Bacon!
J.D.: You'd be like a big breakfast machine!
J.D.: [v.o.] I couldn't really worry about bailing on Dr. Cox. The Stanleys' child was sick and I had just spent the last 20 minutes asking them awkward questions to rule out the possibility of child abuse.
Mrs. Stanley: Who would smother their own child?
J.D.: You'd be surprised. There's something called Munchausen Syndrome, where a parent will intentionally harm their child to get some attention on themselves.
Mrs. Stanley: I've never heard of that. Someone should do a public service announcement about it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Hmm. Someone should.
[fantasy: J.D. hosts an NBC "the more you know" public service announcement:]
J.D.: Had a tough day at the office, so you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun, right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.
J.D.: That problem would be gone forever.
Maggie: So, how bad is it gonna be?
Turk: Well, you're gonna lose the dead tissue, but thanks to modern medicine you're gonna keep most of your foot. You won't believe how much worse it would've been even a few years ago.
[medieval fantasy: Maggie is tied down, with a plank of wood in her mouth, as Turk hovers over her with a saw:]
Turk: This might hurteth a little.
J.D.: Look, milady, I know it stinks that we're removing your foot and plan to eat it tonight at the healing feast, but you wouldn't believeth how much worse it would've been, even a few years ago.
Maggie: [complaining grunts]
[After Turk and J.D. talk to each other, Turk knocks Maggie out with his club. J.D. then knocks Turk out with his club. The Scrubs sad theme plays as caveman J.D. thinks about what he's done.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Onga bonga tonga ronga, gatanga batanga banga.
J.D.: I may have killed you, but I think I was upset about it.
J.D.: Well, where is it? Did you at least keep it?
Turk: Why would I keep my testicle?
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk have a dug a whole in the ground:]
J.D.: These conditions are perfect. [they drop the testicle and cover it with dirt]
[months later, a naked version of Turk, with a leaf covering his privates, has sprouted from the ground]
J.D.: He's beautiful.
Turk: Oh, my God. This is totally awesome. Can you go pick up Carla's dry cleaning so I can play basketball?
Plant Turk: [mumbles]
Turk: It can't talk. What the hell am I gonna do with that?
J.D.: Stop, Turk. You're making him cry. It's okay, Plant Turk. Friends.
Plant Turk: [mumbles "friend"]
J.D.: See? He's learning.
[Plant Turk grabs J.D.]
J.D.: Get the clippers! Get the clippers!
Turk: Let him go! Let him go!
J.D.: We have to find your ball, Turk. We have to find it and destroy it.
Turk: You don't realize that Carla and Elliot left, do you?
Mr. Ketay: Why aren't you making a bigger fuss?
J.D.: Uh, I would have, Mr. Ketay, but Dr. Reid is throwing a huge celebration for you later.
J.D.: [v.o.] I should tell her about that. The truth is, thanks to modern medicine, 80 isn't that big a deal anymore. It's not like the olden days.
[fantasy, J.D. and a family of pilgrims at a cemetery:]
J.D.: Let us not feel sorrow for Bobby Adams. He was 12. He led a full life. He will be missed. Especially by his beautiful wife, Jenny, who stood by him, even when he turned six, had a mid-life crisis, and was caught banging one of those naked people that brought us corn.
J.D.: I'd be the oldest man in Pilgrim Village.
J.D.: I can't believe you're ready to have kids. We spend all day taking care of old people. Washing them. Cleaning them. Why would you want to bring that home?
Turk: J.D., we're talking about kids, not going home to a house full of old folks.
[fantasy: J.D.'s apartment is filled with old folks when he returns home:]
J.D.: All right, fellas. Two quick announcements. First of all, whoever's been filling my TiVo with JAG reruns, let's cut it out. And secondly, Harvey, no matter how drunk you get, I like to sleep alone.
Harvey: I like to snuggle.
J.D.: Well, that's your problem, buddy. I got my own thing.
Dr. Kelso: You put her on diuretics?
J.D.: Yeah, I ordered them.
Dr. Kelso: These labs don't look good. I think it's time she got started on dialysis. Oh, but you know what you should do first, kiddo?
J.D.: What's that?
Dr. Cox: Find her.
[fantasy: a siren wails as a security guard and a dog scour a perimiter fence. Mrs. Tanner emerges from a hole in the ground on the other side of the fence. She unfolds her walker and climbs out.]
Mrs. Tanner: Freedom!
[fantasy: J.D. playing Connect-Four with the grim reaper:]
Grim Reaper: I win.
J.D.: Where? I don't see.
Grim Reaper: Here, diagonally.
J.D.: Pretty sneaky, Death.
Dr. Kelso: Shake this place up. And for God's sakes, get Murphy out of here.
Carla: Don't worry, Doug, you're a good doctor.
Doug: I know! [hits Carla with charged defib paddles]
[Elliot and J.D. place a medical waste sack over Doug]
Doug: [muffled] Hey, what are you guys going?
Dr. Kelso: Hurry!
Doug: You guys Guys?
[Elliot and J.D. swing the sack back and forth and send it crashing out the window. It lands in front of the Janitor outside the hospital.]
Doug: My leg!
[The Janitor drags the bag away. Later, Doug is framed on his mantelpiece between other taxidermy]
Doug: How long do I have to stay up here?
Janitor: Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper. Hm! Apparently there was some sort of election held recently.
J.D.: Or we could just ask him to leave.
[Carla stands up after being shocked]
Carla: Come on, Doug. Let's go get some coffee.
J.D.: [v.o.] Step two: Just keep babbling until he finally opens up.
J.D.: I don't know how I wanna go, but I do know what I want down with my remains.
[fantasy: Carla and Turk are sitting on the couch. Turk is holding an urn in his hands:]
Carla: Are you really comfortable watching TV like this?
Turk: Is it Rowdy?
Turk: Is it J.D.?
[A stuffed J.D. is on all fours on the floor next to Rowdy]
Turk: You'll get used to it. [opens urn] Pretzel?
Carla: You gotta stop bringing him into our bedroom.
J.D.: I'll teach you how to do my hair.
Turk: I already know how to do your hair.
J.D.: It's not an Afro, Turk, you can't just pick it.
J.D.: [v.o.] J.D.'s sitcom fantasy is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Mr. James: It's weird. There's just so many things I never got to do in my life, like go to a carnival or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.
Elliot: We can do all that. We are gonna give you the best day ever.
J.D.: Elliot, a word? A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous. I mean, he could get hurt.
Elliot: What's he gonna do, bruise one of his giant malignant tumors?
J.D.: Safety is always important, Elliot.
Elliot: Oh, my god. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you?
J.D.: It's floating wicker propelled by fire!
Turk: Elliot turfed this chronic pain patient to me. I have no idea what's wrong with him, so I have to do exploratory surgery.
J.D.: [v.o.] I always wondered what exploratory surgery was like.
Turk: I've made the first incision. I'm going in.
[Turk jumps into the patient's surgical cavity:]
Turk: Nurse, hat! Colon. Why'd it have to be the colon? Removing the golden tumor.
[As darts start flying, Turk pops his head out of the cavity.]
[The nurses, covered in darts, fall down]
Turk: They knew the risks.
J.D.: Watch out for colon darts.