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46Quotes from ‘My Point of No Return’

Scrubs: My Point of No Return

622. My Point of No Return

Aired May 17, 2007

As J.D. invites Kim to move in with him and Elliot plans her wedding to Keith, they both start to wonder whether they're doing the right thing. Meanwhile, the Janitor sets out to get a wedding gift for Elliot, and Dr. Cox and Jordan christen their daughter.

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: Hey! And you, you're the only one that hasn't RSVPed to my wedding yet. What the hell?
Janitor: I didn't know I was invited.
Elliot: But I sent your invitation to... 1 North Cemetery Drive.
Janitor: That's the address of The Addams Family. I changed my records to mess with Kelso because he's always calling me Lurch. It was either that or 1313 Mockingbird Lane. The Munsters. TV show? I'm old.
Elliot: So, can you make it?
Janitor: You crazy? I wouldn't miss it for the world.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Things weren't as heartwarming everywhere. Dr. Cox wasn't exactly super-psyched about me being his daughter's godfather.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here are some things I'd rather see happen than dinkus over there becoming the godfather.
A nuclear war, a sequel to Hope Floats, Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar-
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, yeah, funny long list. We get it. You need a new thing, big guy.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Elliot's wedding was only a week away, things were getting tense.
Keith: I just don't understand why our families can't sit at the same table.
Elliot: Keith, it's impossible to fit all the Dudemeisters at one table without our wedding looking like Oktoberfest. Plus, when our families met last month, my mom ended up doinking your Uncle Ronald in our basement.
Keith: Uncle Ronald and Aunt Alicia have been together for 30 years.
Elliot: Yeah, welcome to my family, Keith.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Men, I've gathered the brain trust because I have been invited to Blonde Doctor's wedding. Now, none of you guys should feel bad because you weren't invited. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you. It just means that you're not one of her favorite 385 people.
Todd: I couldn't make it anyway.
Ted: You gotta have a cutoff somewhere.
Janitor: Now, what I need from you is gift ideas. Impress me.
Todd: You could check their registry and get her some nice linens.
Janitor: Or I could check the boring and get her some boring boring.
Todd: What the hell does that mean?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Oh, you know what I got my mom that she really loved? That weird birth-control thing that they sew under your arm skin.
Janitor: Okay, highly disturbing, but you're thinking outside the box.
Ted: Oh, yeah!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: One hug.
J.D.: [gasps]
Turk: Per week.
Dr. Cox: Decade.
Turk: Month.
Dr. Cox: Year.
Turk: Done. You're welcome.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then, as I was about to close the deal of the century, it hit me.
J.D.: Wait a minute. If I agree to that, I only get that stuff until you retire, but if I'm godfather, I'm in your life forever. I'll see you at the christening.
Dr. Cox: I think this time, I'm actually gonna kill him. Yup, this is the one.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Okay, I've got something we can't give her permanently, but I can guarantee she'll enjoy it while she has her hands on it.
Janitor: No! Preemptive strike on the sex joke. Take a time-out.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Okay, maybe I didn't make myself clear. I don't want to give Blonde Doctor just a "thing," you know? I wanted her married life to be full of joy. I want to give her happiness.
Ted: Well, that's not really up to us. It's up to him. We can't control what kind of husband he'll be.
Janitor: Lloyd, give me those glasses. [puts glasses on] Say that again, exactly the same way.
Ted: We can't control what kind of husband he'll be.
Janitor: [takes glasses off] Or can we?

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: You can't do this to me.
Jordan: Perry, I didn't do this to torture you. I asked Nancy No-chin to be the godfather because I know deep down you really care about him and you know that he would be an excellent godfather for our little girl.
Dr. Cox: I'll do anything.
Jordan: Here's what I want. When I buy matching outfits, you and Jack, you have to wear them. And I get to go on one movie date with the maitre d' at that new Italian restaurant we go to. And no asking "What happened?" after I go.
Dr. Cox: Done. May I go now?
Jordan: Yeah.

Quote from Ted

Turk: Look, Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful, esteemed bulldog of a lawyer. Or you can talk to Ted, who, well...
Ted: My mom calls me "Thunder."
Jen: I'll go with the less shiny one.
Jim: Tough break, Thunder.
Ted: You're not my mom, Jim! You're not my mom!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I'm getting married in a week. A week! I mean, what was I thinking being engaged for two months? My mom was engaged for three years. She had time to soul-search, to figure out if this was right, to sail around the world with an insatiable Pakistani oil baron. Why was I in such a hurry? Oh, wait, I'll answer that for you. Because I'm the biggest idiot in the whole entire world.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I'm going through the same thing you are, except I'm also having a baby. So, imagine your situation multiplied by... What's a fair number, a hundred billion?
Elliot: Why is it so important to you that your freak-out is bigger than mine?
J.D.: I'm a story-topper, Elliot. You know that about me.
Elliot: When I was a kid, I had a friend like that who drove me crazy.
J.D.: When I was a kid, I also had a friend like that, except he snapped and started playing "hide the peanut butter" with my dog, Whiskers. You, my friend, have just been story-topped.
Elliot: I will kill you.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: How am I supposed to handle a relationship and a kid at the same time?
Elliot: I don't know. Dr. Cox and Jordan are totally dysfunctional, but they seem to make it work.
[meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Jack are wearing matching outfits:]
Jordan: Wow, you guys look great! I'm gonna get the photographer.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I hate this!
Dr. Kelso: Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
Dr. Cox: Up yours, Bobbo.
Jack: Yeah, up yours, Bobbo.
Dr. Cox: Outstanding. Come.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Okay, Incredibly Handsome Guy, you're about to marry Blonde Doctor. My gift to her is to train you to be a good husband.
Keith: Well, I think I'm okay.
Janitor: Really? Would you know what to do if she suddenly woke up and couldn't use vowels?
Keith: That's ridiculous.
Janitor: Is that what you're gonna say when she looks at you with those big blue eyes and cries out, "Tspwklmtsk"?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Look, if I learnt one thing from my parents, it's this. The key to a good marriage is keeping your emotions bottled up until they finally explode and you have to lash out physically.
Keith: You mean, beat each other up?
Janitor: I mean beat yourself up. My mother once snapped her own index finger because my father was late for church. She dented the car, he threw himself down the stairs.

Quote from Ted

Elliot: You know, Keith is pretty incredible. I've never felt this loved in my entire life. Let's face it, Keith would walk through fire for me.
[meanwhile:]
Keith: Yeah, I'm not walking through fire to prove my love to Elliot.
Janitor: I find that a little suspect. Still, I suppose we could switch to some role-playing. Here's the scenario. You have just come home from work late, Blonde Doctor made your dinner, and she is angry because you didn't call ahead. Plus, you have brought along with you Lance, your gay ultimate Frisbee buddy, played by Todd.
Todd: I should probably take my pants off.
Janitor: No, wait for your cue. And Ted, you'll be playing Blonde Doctor. Get into character.
Ted: Okay, falling in love with you, long blonde hair, talking very fast, talking very fast, "frick-frick." Okay, I'm ready.


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