Elliot: Hey! And you, you're the only one that hasn't RSVP'd to my wedding yet. What the hell?
Janitor: I didn't know I was invited.
Elliot: But I sent your invitation to... 1 North Cemetery Drive.
Janitor: That's the address of The Addams Family. I changed my records to mess with Kelso because he's always calling me Lurch. It was either that or 1313 Mockingbird Lane. The Munsters. TV show? I'm old.
Elliot: So, can you make it?
Janitor: You crazy? I wouldn't miss it for the world.

J.D.: [v.o.] Things weren't as heartwarming everywhere. Dr. Cox wasn't exactly super-psyched about me being his daughter's godfather.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here are some things I'd rather see happen than dinkus over there becoming the godfather.
A nuclear war, a sequel to Hope Floats, Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar-
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, yeah, funny long list. We get it. You need a new thing, big guy.

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Elliot's wedding was only a week away, things were getting tense.
Keith: I just don't understand why our families can't sit at the same table.
Elliot: Keith, it's impossible to fit all the Dudemeisters at one table without our wedding looking like Oktoberfest. Plus, when our families met last month, my mom ended up doinking your Uncle Ronald in our basement.
Keith: Uncle Ronald and Aunt Alicia have been together for 30 years.
Elliot: Yeah, welcome to my family, Keith.

Janitor: Men, I've gathered the brain trust because I have been invited to Blonde Doctor's wedding. Now, none of you guys should feel bad because you weren't invited. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you. It just means that you're not one of her favorite 385 people.
Todd: I couldn't make it anyway.
Ted: You gotta have a cutoff somewhere.
Janitor: Now, what I need from you is gift ideas. Impress me.
Todd: You could check their registry and get her some nice linens.
Janitor: Or I could check the boring and get her some boring boring.
Todd: What the hell does that mean?

Ted: Oh, you know what I got my mom that she really loved? That weird birth-control thing that they sew under your arm skin.
Janitor: Okay, highly disturbing, but you're thinking outside the box.
Ted: Oh, yeah!

Dr. Cox: One hug.
J.D.: [gasps]
Turk: Per week.
Dr. Cox: Decade.
Turk: Month.
Dr. Cox: Year.
Turk: Done. You're welcome.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then, as I was about to close the deal of the century, it hit me.
J.D.: Wait a minute. If I agree to that, I only get that stuff until you retire, but if I'm godfather, I'm in your life forever. I'll see you at the christening.
Dr. Cox: I think this time, I'm actually gonna kill him. Yup, this is the one.

Todd: Okay, I've got something we can't give her permanently, but I can guarantee she'll enjoy it while she has her hands on it.
Janitor: No! Preemptive strike on the sex joke. Take a time-out.

Janitor: Okay, maybe I didn't make myself clear. I don't want to give Blonde Doctor just a "thing," you know? I wanted her married life to be full of joy. I want to give her happiness.
Ted: Well, that's not really up to us. It's up to him. We can't control what kind of husband he'll be.
Janitor: Lloyd, give me those glasses. [puts glasses on] Say that again, exactly the same way.
Ted: We can't control what kind of husband he'll be.
Janitor: [takes glasses off] Or can we?

Dr. Cox: You can't do this to me.
Jordan: Perry, I didn't do this to torture you. I asked Nancy No-chin to be the godfather because I know deep down you really care about him and you know that he would be an excellent godfather for our little girl.
Dr. Cox: I'll do anything.
Jordan: Here's what I want. When I buy matching outfits, you and Jack, you have to wear them. And I get to go on one movie date with the maitre d' at that new Italian restaurant we go to. And no asking "What happened?" after I go.
Dr. Cox: Done. May I go now?
Jordan: Yeah.

Turk: Look, Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful, esteemed bulldog of a lawyer. Or you can talk to Ted, who, well...
Ted: My mom calls me "Thunder."
Jen: I'll go with the less shiny one.
Jim: Tough break, Thunder.
Ted: You're not my mom, Jim! You're not my mom!