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‘Our Drunk Friend’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: Our Drunk Friend

902. Our Drunk Friend

Aired December 1, 2009

Lucy hopes to turn an alcholic patient's life around, despite nobody in the hospital believing he can be saved. Meanwhile, J.D. and Turk try to push Denise and Drew along in their relationship, and Cole annoys another one of his colleagues.

Quote from Turk

Turk: All right, class, first order of business is simple. We're gonna take out our... J.D., what are you doing?
J.D.: Just watching you teach.
Turk: You know, in this light, You look like Denzel Washington in The Great Debaters.
Turk: Come on, man. I'm working here. Now listen. If you- You know that's what I was going for, right?
J.D.: It's pretty obvious.
Turk: All right, class, you now have 30 seconds to list the adductor muscles of the hip. Your group does not want to be last. Ready? Go.
J.D.: [v.o.] The pressure here can make some students crack.
Man: [screams]
Turk: Amir, you can't just be grabbing kidneys like that! Bring it back!

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Quote from Turk

Denise: I can't believe what Cole gets away with. I'd like to fill a tube sock full of batteries and just beat him a little. You know, send a message? What?
Turk: Denise, you're scary. I mean, sure, you seem cute at first, but then you eat after midnight or get some water on you, and then boom, you turn into this monster, and I gotta throw you in a microwave and explode you.
Denise: What the hell are you talking about?
Turk: I'm talking Gremlins, woman. You know, you should get your boyfriend to watch that movie, and then maybe he could understand you better.

Quote from Drew

Turk: I just think you should go for yours. Go for yours!
Drew: You don't know me. I spent the last year In the Alaskan wilderness, living in a yurt. The only human contact I had was an Eskimo boy who sold me salmon jerky and painkillers. And do you know why? Because when I flunked out of med school before, I consequently torched every relationship that meant anything to me. I'm not taking that chance again.
Turk: What's a yurt?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: [to Drew] You know, son, I was married to my Enid for 44 years. And now she's gone. And the only reason I teach is so I don't have to be alone in my house. You can't wall yourself off from other people. You won't make it.
Turk: That's some truth being dropped there.
Dr. Kelso: Great. So how about you two clear out? Cindy here's three martinis in, and I'm about to land that marlin. Oh, damn. She was go to go.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] One week teaching here and already I was falling back into old rhythms with my friend and mentor, Perry Cox.
J.D.: Beautiful day, Big Per?
Dr. Cox: Dear God, Newbie, where'd you come from? Don't tell me you're following me.
J.D.: Following you? We've been walking together and falling into old rhythms since the parking structure. I told you about my new shampoo and how it's infused with honey.
Dr. Cox: Hold that thought. Forever.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Hey you. Now did I or did I not handcraft you something to wear that symbolizes your importance to me?
J.D.: What is it? If he won't wear it, I will. Is it a cloak?
J.D.: [v.o.] Because I'd look dynamite in a cloak.
Dr. Cox: He's to always wear a sign that says "Number 1. " It signifies that he is the one med student for which I have hope.
Drew: Thanks. It's a nightmare.
Dr. Cox: All the best, Number 1.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You don't have to wear this. Look how- Look how silly it looks on me, yeah? I hate wearing this so much.
Dr. Cox: [groans]
J.D.: he said, "You put that on you," and he was yelling. And I was like, "Okay, don't get mad." But I don't want to wear it. I don't.
Dr. Cox: Guard that, Number 1.
Drew: No.
J.D.: You're dangerous, aren't you?
Drew: Yes, I am.
J.D.: I bet you listen to rap music.

Quote from Cole

Carla: 'sup, boo? What you doing?
Denise: I'm making sure these machines keep this vegetable alive. Man, I wish his family would just let him die.
Cole: Mm, cool, cool. So what are we gonna do about this?
Denise: What the hell are you talking about?
Cole: I'm talking about this- This electricity, this spark. Zzt!
Denise: Go now.
Cole: Okay. [whispers] Here's a little secret about Old King Cole. The only way to get rid of him is to sleep with him until he gets bored with you.
Denise: Yeah, I'm gonna go get a wire brush and scrub my skin till I bleed.

Quote from Drew

J.D.: [v.o.] Others found ways to blow off steam.
[As Drew and Denise kiss, Drew attaches the "Number 1" sign to his bare chest]
Denise: What? What are you doing? No. Stop. Take it off.
Drew: I can't. H- He'll know. He's everywhere.
Denise: Drew, I don't care. I'm losing wood.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Centerfold, your previous answer was so wrong, it almost became right again. Now if you would, please help me choose the subject for my impending criticism. Would you like me to nail you for A, you being too attractive to ever be taken seriously as a doctor, B, your upsettingly small ears or C, that your stupidity is probably contagious?
Maya: I guess my contagious stupidity.
Dr. Cox: Great call. Your ears. [Drew enters] Ah, ha, ha. Welcome. Welcome, Number 1. Certainly, with your human-size ears, You can tell us what the three components Of the mucosa layer of the stomach are.
Drew: Epithelium, lamina propria, muscularis mucosa.
Dr. Cox: That was perfect. Okay, class, who hates Dr. Cox's favorite student? [All hands go up] Wow, it's the first time you assassins have gotten one right all day.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] There was one bright light for these kids, though, and that was me, Dr. D.
[J.D. is sitting in a tree as his students sit on the grass below]
Cole: Hey, bro, the sun is, like, super bright. Can you come down?
J.D.: As I told you, the branches are a metaphor For the cardiovascular system. So no, I cannot come down. Hence, tree class dismissed.
Lucy: Great class, Dr. D. Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.
J.D.: Thanks. I call it "teacher-tainment." Would you be a doll and get a message to Dr. Turk A.S.A.P.? Tell him I'm stuck in the tree again, but this time there appear to be many bees. [bees buzzing] Hurry, Lucy! I've got honey hair!

Quote from Denise

Denise: Ugh. That tool Cole keeps texting me. "I have a little Cole for your slaw."
Drew: So romantic. You should hit that. At least Dr. Cox doesn't make you send a picture of yourself every ten minutes wearing a "Number 1" sign.
Denise: Wait a minute. What are we doing?
Drew: Talking.
Denise: No, this feels like sharing, and it's gross. Drew, I need to be clear about what it is I'm looking for, you know, with us. Nothing.
Drew: Same here. Sorry about the sharing.
Denise: Oh, no, no. It was both of us.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I need you to go ahead and take Mr. Evans' chart here and make four copies. Drop one off at my office, one at my car, one at the bar that I frequent, and then go bury one in the quad and draw me up a map, just in case I want to go on a treasure hunt later on. Hmm. 10 after. Goodness gracious. [Dr. Cox shows a text message from Drew with a picture of him in the showing] Oh, darn it all. Now if that ink runs, I'm gonna have to replace the whole sign.
Lucy: Weird. Broken ribs and a possible ruptured spleen? Was Mr. Evans in an accident?
Dr. Cox: Yes, he was in a train wreck called his life. You see, Alan Evans is a hard-core drunk, an alkie, a sauce monkey, a hooch goblin, a man who unwinds at the end of every single day by treating himself to a delightful garbage bag full of vodka.
Lucy: So what are we gonna do?
Dr. Cox: We're going to get him out of here, and then hopefully, he's gonna die someplace else. Like in a yard or somebody's shed. [scares an intern just by looking] I love teaching. I'm a teacher.

Quote from Cole

Denise: Mr. Shershow here is in a massive coma. Even though he can't register any outside stimulus, I still want someone to read him all seven Harry Potter books. Any volunteers? Cole, thank you.
Cole: Sorry. No can do. I got a dinner rezzie with my moms.
Denise: A rezzie? You also gonna get your drunk on and eat some 'za?
Cole: Nah, I wish. My mom is lactose-intolly. For real, though, she is the best. When we go out, she helps me pick up girls. She's my wingmom.
Denise: Horrifying.

Quote from Cole

Denise: Look, I don't know what Orlando-based boy band rejected you, but you'll do what I tell you.
Cole: Yeah, I don't think so. See, that's me and my 'rents at the hospital groundbreaking.
Denise: Wow.
Cole: They're in the major donors club. I got to cut the ribbon with some big old sizzies. Long story short, I'm untouchable around here to everyone except you. [clicks tongue] Yeah. That just happened.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: I know people like Alan. I grew up with them. My Uncle Frank is always drunk. He fought the entire band at my cousin's wedding.
J.D.: Okay, look. Alan's an addict, so the first thing you need to do Is make sure he's ready for help.
Lucy: I can't talk to him about stuff that personal. I get embarrassed too easily. I've never seen myself nude. I mean, I've been nude, but I never look down.
J.D.: Weird for a doctor, but okay, fine. Look, Lucy, you have to find a way to connect with him.

Quote from Lucy

Alan: I like your perfume.
Lucy: That's weird, because I've never worn perfume in my entire life. Also, I've never seen myself naked. You know, that was part of an earlier conversation.
Alan: Are you okay?
Lucy: I'm not great, Alan. Med school is tough. I don't sleep, and I haven't eaten anything a week except yogurt and wine.
Alan: Maybe you should take a-
Lucy: Alan, I'm not done.

Quote from Todd

Turk: Denise, everybody knows Drew's hitting you.
Denise: How?
Turk: You guys had sex near the Todd.
[flashback:]
Turk: What? What's going on?
Todd: Someone's doing it right now. In that supply closet.
Turk: Really?
Todd: Socks off, pants on? Still... [he and Turk high-five]
[present:]
Denise: Damn it.
Turk: How come you don't let him take his pants off, though?

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: Man, that was a great cry. I always feel fantastic after those. Hello, world, Lucy's back. Am I right
Alan: Well, you definitely gave me something to work with.
Lucy: Wow. I mean, my forehead's really big and I look Chinese, but that's really good.
Alan: Thank you. I used to teach high-school art.
Lucy: Oh, my God. He's opening up.
Alan: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was married, too, before everything fell apart. I tell you what, though. I definitely don't want to live this way anymore.
Lucy: Maybe you don't have to.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [to Denise] I'm not surprised. You're both dark weirdos. It's like if Fonzie and Jo from The Facts of Life fell in love with each other.
Turk: Oh, I'd watch the hell out of that show.
J.D.: Who wouldn't?

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