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38Quotes from ‘Our First Day of School’

Scrubs: Our First Day of School

901. Our First Day of School

Aired December 1, 2009

One year after J.D. left the hospital, he returns to teach students with Turk, Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso and Denise. Lucy, Drew and Cole start start their first day of med school.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Medicine is... Well, it's a dead career. Thanks to insurance companies and malpractice lawyers, you have absolutely no hope of finding a rewarding or satisfying profession in this once noble field. The only exception to this very true rule is the following... If you are lucky enough to go to a great medical school, then, my children, you got a real shot. Unfortunately, you're all screwed. Because to call this particular school a "crap house" would be an honest-to-god compliment. Plus, I'm the only teacher here worth a damn, and I already hate each and every one of you. Would you like to know why? Well, it turns out you're not actually medical students at all. You are all murderers and assassins that have been sent here to try to kill my patients. Here's the bottom line: If you do get a good clean kill on a patient, go ahead and take a pinkie or an ear as a trophy. I get that, I do. But please also know this, I am ready for you, have been for a while. So watch your ass. Good day.

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Quote from Turk

Turk: All right, everyone, pay attention, because my spleen is right here. Whoops! This feels more like my private-time area.
Cole: Wouldn't it be easier if you could see what you were doing?
Turk: This is the way I'm doing it, Cole! Or maybe you're just uncomfortable because it's a black man's head on a fake white man's body. That's right, people. It just got real up in here. In my class, you will each be graded by the color of your skin. If you're white, raise your hands. F's.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I heard about Enid's passing. I'm so sorry.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you bottom out, and then you persevere. I feel like I can say the worst is over.
J.D.: How long ago did she pass?
Dr. Kelso: About two days.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: By the way, what ever happened to the janitor?
Turk: Oh, dude. It was the day after you left.
[flashback:]
Janitor: When's that little buddy of yours coming back?
Turk: He's never coming back. He's gone for good.
Janitor: He's right here, isn't he?
Turk: Where would I be hiding him?
Janitor: But he's coming back?
Turk: No.
Janitor: After his vacation.
Turk: No.
[The Janitor drops his mop, wipes his hands clean and walks away]
[present:]
Turk: And no one ever saw him again.

Quote from Denise

Denise: Okay. I hope everyone enjoyed orientation with Dr. Cox. I'm Dr. Mahoney, your student advisor. Here's some crappy pizza. Commence feeding.

Quote from Denise

Denise: I guess I should answer any annoying questions you all have. Yeah, monkey nuts.
Lucy: Uh, I just wanted to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza.
Lucy: [v.o.] There. Smelling incident fixed.
Denise: Yeah, they gave me money to do it, along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself - I'm looking at you, sad eyes - Do it off campus, 'cause it is a butt-load of paperwork.

Quote from J.D.

Denise: Hey, Dr. Turk.
Turk: Not now, Denise.
J.D.: Turk!
Turk: I'm late. Gotta go.
["Guy Love" plays as J.D. and Turk run to each other, hugging on top of the "Winston University" logo]
J.D.: Mm. Mm. You smell like prison.
Denise: When was the last time you guys saw each other?
J.D.: This morning. We carpooled. But we haven't worked together in over a year. You know what I'd like to do now?
Denise: Is it go to Vermont and make this thing legal?
J.D.: Talk to the hand. Remember that?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [high-pitched voice] Eagle! [normal voice] Oh, hey, Perry. I'm really looking forward to teaching with you. Onward. [high-pitched voice] Eagle!
Dr. Cox: Oh, good god.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: So that's what you're going to wear to teach?
J.D.: I'll have you know this is the very jacket worn by Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. All I had to do was sew these elbow patches on and take the shoulder pads out.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You should all follow 19's lead, and I call her "19," because instead of using your names, I'm going to go by where you currently rank in my head. Now, who can tell me what artery goes above the optic chiasm to the cerebral hemispheres? Supermodel in the back.
Maya: [Australian accent] I'm fairly certain it's the anterior cerebral artery.
Dr. Cox: What?
Maya: The anterior cerebral artery.
Dr. Cox: I'm not understanding a word that she's saying. And, people, I can teach anyone. You just gotta speak English.
Maya: I'm Australian.
Dr. Cox: Still not getting it. Everyone, leave. [whistles]

Quote from Cole

Cole: Hey, darling. I'm Dr. Cole. I'll be your physician. So, what are we dealing with here? Non-hodgkin's lymphoma. Oh, giant drag.
Turk: Hey, come here.
[later:]
Turk: Hope you enjoyed your last day of med school.
Cole: Yeah, I don't see it.
Turk: I'm sorry. What?
Cole: You know that bust you pass on your way to pick up your tiny paycheck? Notice any resemblance? Symmetric features, strong jaw. Yeah, that's my Pop-Pop. Paid for this whole building. So here's the skinny, I'm Teflon. You can fire bullets at me if you want, but be careful. When they ricochet off me, they sometimes hit other people. Puh-ching. Puh-ching.
Turk: Don't puh-ching me.
Cole: Puh-ching.
Turk: Don't you puh-ching me!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Has anyone seen the crash cart?
Maya: Ah, it's, uh, over by bed four.
Dr. Cox: [to J.D.] Now can you make that out?
J.D.: I think I heard the words "bear fight," but that makes no sense. [Maya walks away] You're right. That's super fun. I love doing things with you. Thanks, Perry. I needed that.


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