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‘Our True Lies’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: Our True Lies

910. Our True Lies

Aired January 19, 2010

A furious Dr. Cox keeps Lucy, Cole, Drew, Maya and Trang back during a test after he finds a cheat sheet. Denise freaks out when Drew tells her he loves her. Meanwhile, Turk can't understand why a patient would prefer risky surgery to drugs.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Bar codes? What the hell is this, a supermarket? That's a human being, for god's sake.
Dr. Cox: Listen, old prospector, I know that any new machine scares you, but here's the well-held secret. You know that box that records your favorite television shows? There isn't a demon inside of it.
Dr. Kelso: Then how does it know what I like? I miss the good old days, when doctors and patients actually got to know each other. You know, back when sexually harassing a nurse was just considered polite chitchat.
Turk: Yes, the good old days. Back when a man of my color couldn't be a doctor, but could live out his lifelong dream of one day driving a white woman to her hair appointments. Yes, things were much better back then.
Dr. Kelso: See? Turkleton gets it.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hi, boys and girls. Anybody admit to anything yet? [Cole stops Lucy from raising her hand] Here's what I'm gonna do. If someone doesn't tell me who did it, I'm gonna make you all retake the test. It's gonna be a new test. It's gonna be ten times as hard. It's not just gonna be on medicine. It's going to be on everything. Baseball statistics, North Dakota high schools, the geography of a made-up fantasy world I like to call Coxatopia. That's a magic land where the rivers run of scotch and hordes of pigs feed on the bones of cheating med students.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Please tell me you've got some good news for me on this godforsaken day.
Turk: She's still refusing steroids. I don't get it. What are we missing?
Dr. Kelso: As usual, you are missing the point. She walked in off the street, and you didn't take the time to find out anything about her. She could be anybody, a princess or a terrorist or a hot lesbian.
Dr. Cox: Bob, she is a hot lesbian.
Dr. Kelso: I knew one day that example would make sense.
Turk: And we did talk to her.
Dr. Kelso: About her condition, but not about what makes her tick. [chuckles] You see, in the old days, when we knew everything about a patient, their decisions never surprised you. You find out more about that young lady, I bet you'll find the answer.

Quote from Turk

Denise: Come on, what would Carla say if she found out that you'd already been married once before?
Turk: Yo, whoa! Whoa! Don't even joke like that. If that gets back to Carla, I'm a dead man. [laughs] Talking about me being married before Carla.
Sheila: Dr. Turk, you were married before?
Turk: We're talking here. That's one of Carla's girlfriends. I can't have that. This is just as bad as if I were to call Carla bitchy.
Sheila: You think Carla's bitchy?
Turk: No! I didn't say- Sheila! Just take your butt to where it needs to be and stay there!

Quote from Cole

Lucy: [on the phone] Mom, I love that you're proud of me, but I'm not a doctor yet. You can't keep giving my number out to women in your church group and saying I'll help them. I can't.
Cole: Oh, hey. Tell your mom the cookies she made are ridic!
Lucy: Yes, that's him. It means "ridiculous." No. There's no reason to shorten that word. Look, I-I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up]
Cole: Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she?
Lucy: No, she's crazy about you.
Cole: Aw, see you're lying! You're chewing on your hair. Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. A'ight, you chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're gonna yell at me, and you get a far-off look in your eyes when you narrate In your head.
Lucy: [v.o.] Even though Cole and I were clicking-
Cole: There it is!
Lucy: Stop noticing things I do!

Quote from Denise

Denise: Hey, before you go study, I need your help. I have a patient who had to pee on a ski lift, so she pulled her pants down and her butt froze to the seat, and when she got off, she lost most of the skin on her ass.
Drew: What's the question?
Denise: Can I laugh at that?
Drew: That depends. Is she within earshot?
Denise: No.
Drew: Well, it's funny. [laughs] No butt skin.
Denise: I lied. She's right behind you.
Drew: What? Ouch.

Quote from Cole

Drew: You can be a big fish at home, and then you get to med school and everybody's brilliant.
Cole: Man, you brainiacs think you have it tough? My 'rents made me go to med school because everyone on my dad's side is a doctor. Okay, on my mom's side, everyone is a bounty hunter. I don't know why I couldn't go to school for that.

Quote from Drew

Lucy: Everyone in my entire family Is counting on me to become a doctor. And just in case I forget that fact, My mom calls me every eight minutes to check in.
Drew: I feel the pressure, too. Not so much from my parents Mostly because they think I'm dead. [inhales deeply] All right, movin' on. The nervous system. [chuckles]

Quote from Denise

Denise: Happy test day. You know, I'll be there, so don't mess it up.
Drew: Crap, I'm already late.
Denise: Wait. Breakfast.
Drew: Strawberry frosting? Nice.
Denise: Hey, you got fruit, dairy, enough sugar for a month. What else you need?
Drew: Spoon.
Denise: Use your fingers, Queen Elizabeth.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Sorry, dog. Already called shotgun on the lesbian.
Turk: You can't call shotgun on a person.
Todd: All right, then. Dibs.
Turk: Damn it! Dibs works. Todd, I'll let you run point on this, but you gotta be cool.
[later:]
Todd: Hi, I'm Dr. Lesbian, I'll be your lesbian.
Turk: I got it from here, Todd. I said I've got it from here, Todd.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I found this cheat sheet in the unisex bathroom just outside this hall, so either we have a Matt Damon-type custodian with an extensive knowledge of the central nervous system, or one of you cheated. And since just last week, I saw one of our fine janitors eat a piece of chalk, I'm guessing the latter. He's the deal. You're all going to be locked in this room till one of you comes forward and takes responsibility.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Denise: I hope you all think long and hard about what you've done.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no, no. Butch, this happened on your watch. You're not going anywhere.
Denise: Would it make any difference If I told you I have a personal issue that makes staying in here really horrible for me?
Dr. Cox: It would make me quite a bit happier.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: Dr. Cox has to let us out eventually. I mean, he can't keep us here forever. Can he?
[fantasy: Lucy and the gang are now 75 years old, but Cole looks as young as ever:]
Lucy: What's your secret?
Cole: Shea butter and big floppy sun hats. Oh, and I made a deal with a witch.
[reality:]
Lucy: How come witches never offer me a deal? I'm approachable.

Quote from Denise

Denise: Drew, come on. Just admit you cheated. It's okay. You didn't have time to study. You were out in a meadow pressing wildflowers and writing love sonnets.
Drew: Yes, me telling you I love you makes me a 19th-century dandy.

Quote from Cole

Drew: We have to stop turning on each other. Especially since it's so obvious that Cole's the one who cheated.
Lucy: I'm sure Cole has some great explanation. Cole, what were you doing in the bathroom?
Cole: Doing my test prep. Okay, part one: dropping a D. Part two: using the mnemonic skills I picked up at A.D.
D. Camp. Okay, I remember the circulatory system by singing nickelback.
[flashback to Cole singing into a mirror while holding an empty toilet roll:]
Cole: This is how I remind me of blood cells and their jobs Lymphocytes and "t" cells Crushing cancer on every level
[present:]
Drew: Wow. That makes a kind of horrible sense.

Quote from Todd

Dr. Cox: How'd that go for you? Awkward or, uh, really awkward?
Turk: Neither. ... Super awkward. Look, Nicole's colitis is pretty advanced and surgery is too risky due to her diabetes and thrombocytopenia.
Dr. Cox: Well, just treat it with steroids then.
Turk: She must be in a lot of pain. I wonder why she didn't tell me.
Dr. Cox: Maybe she did, but you didn't hear her because you were fantasizing about being stranded on lesbian island.
Todd: Is that a real place? Because I can leave tonight. What?
Dr. Cox: We're just hard-staring you away.
Todd: Oh. [gasps, backs away]

Quote from Denise

Denise: I hope it was Drew. And I hope he gets his butt thrown out of here.
Lucy: What did he do to you? [whispers] Did he smack you around?
Denise: Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so then he can just let me down.
Lucy: Crazy idea: you could just say "I love you" back.
Denise: Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, escape, come back and kill you for giving me that advice.
Lucy: I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.

Quote from Cole

Cole: Dude, you never told us why you were in the bathroom.
Drew: I was in the bathroom taking a leak.
Trang: Didn't you stop using public toilets after you lived in a gas station bathroom for a month?
Cole: That's right. It was your fun fact at orientation. Maya's fact was she's colorblind, and Trang absorbed his twin sister in the womb. That's why he's so smart. My boy's got two brains.
Drew: That's not how it works, genius.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Okay, yes, I have a wife. Let's start there. It was a drunken mistake. I've been trying to get out of it ever since.
Denise: What else haven't you told me? I mean, do you have any kids? Have you robbed a bank? Were you in a cult?
Drew: [laughs] No, no, and I wouldn't call it a cult. It was more like a marketing opportunity that ended with us all living on a compound.

Quote from Turk

Denise: I just feel like I've finally found someone I can trust, and then he goes and does this. I mean, what am I supposed to do now?
Turk: Look at those two right there.
Denise: I hear ya. Everyone thinks I'm a little butch anyway. I mean, I might as well dive in.
Turk: [laughs] No. Denise, no. Uh, Nicole is one of my patients, and she was willing to risk death to keep her past from her partner. I just learned that word, by the way, "partner."
Denise: I'm proud of you.
Turk: Sometimes when you really care about someone, you want them to know you just as you are right now, the best version of yourself. You really gonna blame Drew for that?

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