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45Quotes from ‘My Fault’

Scrubs: My Fault

320. My Fault

Aired April 22, 2004

As her wedding to Turk approaches, Carla starts to freak out about all the ceremony. Dr. Cox tries to convince the hypochondriac Mr. Corman (Richard Kind) not to get a full body scan which Dr. Kelso has introduced to the hospital. Meanwhile, after breaking up with Danni, J.D. is jealous as Elliot announces she's moving in with Sean.

Quote from Turk

Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
Turk: Where are you going? To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'mma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass! [licks frosting] Mm.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Mr. Corman: I wanna know everything that's wrong with me.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you're not even feeling bad. You don't need this scan. If it would make you happy, we can just go ahead and do the exact same thing we've done the last fifty times you've been in here. Take your temperature, draw some blood, and give you a rectal. It's your basic "Ah! Ow! Oh!"

Quote from Turk

Turk: The point is, I don't lose my cool.
J.D.: I don't know. Remember back in college, when we had tickets to see Michael Jordan in the playoffs?
[flashback:]
Turk: [singing] We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. 'Cause we got good tickets. We went five hundred miles.
J.D.: Hey, was I supposed to bring the tickets or the sandwiches?
[As Turk realizes they're both holding sandwich bags, he screams and starts pulling out his hair]
J.D.: Oh, God.
Turk: Oh, no! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!
[present:]
J.D.: You shaved your head for the first time after that.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You're pathetic.
J.D.: What!?
Janitor: For three years I've been watching you pine after Blonde Doctor, and I gotta tell you, everyone is sick of it "Will they? Won't they? Looks like they're going to! Ooh, at the last second, something went wrong." Come on, enough already! I mean, you guys aren't exactly Ross and Rachel.
J.D.: Who?
Janitor: Dr. Ross, and Rachel from bookkeeping. Why don't you just let her be happy with stunningly handsome, full-lipped guy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I'm not even sweatin'! Because, honest to God, what kind of gullible chump would go ahead and spend a thousand dollars on some silly scan if he's feeling perfectly fine?
Mr. Corman: Hello, Laverne, Shirl!
Dr. Cox: [whimpers].

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Please, man. I'm Christopher Duncan Turk.
Todd: Duncan?
J.D.: His dad loved doughnuts.
Turk: That's not true. Okay, you really need to stop saying that.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mr. Corman: Why should I even listen to you? The last time I was here, you tried to torture me to prove a point. Dr.- Dr.- Dr.-
Dr. Cox: Cox.
Mr. Corman: Mengele!
Dr. Cox: Uh.
Mr. Corman: Now, if you will excuse me, I've already talked to the insurance company, so there is nothing you can say that can stop me from doing this.
[Mr. Corman, dressed in a hospital gown, closes the curtains on his bed]
Dr. Cox: Now, Mr. Corman, apparently your insurance company's not gonna cover it.
[Mr. Corman opens the curtains, now dressed in his own clothes]
Mr. Corman: Good day to you, sir.

Quote from Todd

Dr. Miller: Todd, you're up!
Todd: Thank you.
Dr. Miller: Now this is your big shot, so if you don't want me to throw you out of here, you've gotta get through this whole procedure without making a single sex joke.
Todd: No problem.
Dr. Miller: All right, to really get at this, I think we need to go in from behind.
[later:]
Dr. Miller: [o.s.] And stay out!
Todd: Totally worth it!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mr. Corman: Thanks for the lift. Because, for some reason on Tuesdays, my feet just swell up like Jiffy Pop bags. I'm sure it'll show up on the scan. Oh, if anything turns up green, it's probably an emerald that I swallowed from my mother's jewelry box when I was five. Gee, I'd like to get that back to her. Hey, what's going on?
Dr. Cox: Zip it. I know a shortcut.
Mr. Corman: Help, I'm getting chair-jacked.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Well, hello there. Can I give you some help?
Tommy: [deep] My mommy said you had lollipops. Gimme a red one!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mr. Corman: Listen, I appreciate the lunch. But are you actually trying to convince me, an admittedly frugal hypochondriac, not to get a free full body scan?
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you're not dying of anything. Although if you do try to swipe one more bite of my lamb medallions I will be forced to kill you.
Mr. Corman: Well, look who never learned to share.
Dr. Cox: Listen to me. I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso.
Mr. Corman: All this concern about my health and my well-being, and it's about a bet? You know what, that's a pretty reprehensible thing to do. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a full body scan to take. [stands up, walks away, returns] You drove me here. I'd like to see a dessert menu, please.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, Elliot. Uh, look, I was just goofing around before about that whole thing. I think it's great you guys are moving in together.
Elliot: Thanks, J.D. I really needed to hear that from you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe it's true that I'm someone who only wants what he can't have. But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with?
J.D.: It should be me.
Elliot: What?
J.D.: Look, Elliot, every year we bounce around this thing, and I never have the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel. I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know if I had the choice of hanging around with anyone in the entire world or staying at home with you, eating pizza and watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.
Elliot: I.... Um, I have to go.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Not yet, you don't.
Mr. Corman: For Pete's sake. Will you leave me alone?
Dr. Cox: Look, this baby would mess with a normal person's mind. So please hear me when I say that if you get this scan, it will ruin you. The next year of your life is gonna be a series of endless tests, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening to you. Even if it means giving you free medical treatment the rest of your life.
Mr. Corman: How can I believe that you even care about me?
Dr. Kelso: How are we doing, Mr. Corman?
Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, Bob. We, uh, we just had our scan. You win.
Dr. Kelso: And? [Dr. Cox kisses Kelso's ring] Now, Perry, I know that was our first date, but next time, don't be afraid to put a little feeling into it.
Dr. Cox: There you go. It's damn sure not about the bet anymore. You do whatever you want.

Quote from Carla

Turk: I cannot believe you are freaking out about this. It's a great idea!
Carla: Turk, we are not having wedding pie.
Turk: That is so typical of you, Carla. This whole wedding has been about you, and I'll prove it.
Carla: Give me back my wedding planner.
Turk: Frank Sinatra as our first dance. Please, baby, that guy has only got one good song. You got pink roses. I hate pink. Big screen TV at the reception. Big screen TV at the reception?
Carla: I knew how much you wanted to see the play-offs.
Turk: You did that for me?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: If you're wondering what this is, Perry, it's a list of the hundreds of people who've already signed up for our full body scan.
Dr. Cox: Well, bully for you, there, Bobbo.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes the smallest victory is enough to get you through the day.
Mr. Corman: I didn't get the scan.
Dr. Cox: I know you didn't, Mr. Corman.
Mr. Corman: Please, call me Harvey.
Dr. Cox: "Harvey Corman"?
Mr. Corman: Doesn't get me as much action as you'd think. Anyway, about that free medical care? I'm gonna need your home number. You know, just in case...
Dr. Cox: Just in case.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, all I needed was Elliot.
Elliot: J.D., it's just so weird. I mean, my whole future was right there in front of me, and I just walked away. All because of you.
J.D.: Well, I think you made the right choice.
J.D.: [v.o.] I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that, when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. But not this guy.
Elliot: Well, Dr. Dorian, you have me. You finally have me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, I don't want her!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] In some ways, Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are a lot like an old married couple.
Dr. Kelso: I need your opinion about something.
Dr. Cox: Yes, Bob, those pants do make you look like you're holding water.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I'll tell you the same thing I told a comic I once saw at a strip club in Reno: I'm not here for the jokes.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Oh, my goodness! I totally kicked that hernia's ass.
Dr. Miller: Nicely done, as usual, Dr. Turk.
Todd: Dude. Why is Hot Doc being so nice to you lately?
Carla: I don't know, but it's about time. I haven't had to work this hard to win someone over since Carla's mom.
Todd: I thought Carla's mom hated you?
Turk: Yeah, but she died, so I'm counting it as a win.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [whispering] Dude, Danni did the weirdest thing last night she called out her own name during sex.
Turk: [whispering] That is weird. Why are we whispering?
J.D.: Because she hears like a bat.
Turk: Bats hear really well?
J.D.: Yeah, 'cause they can't see.
Turk: Oh, yeah, that's right, sonar. Wait a second, that's whales.
J.D.: No, no, no, no, no. Bats and whales, bats and whales!

Quote from Carla

Carla: Nothing's cool! Nothing's cool! Okay, okay The centerpieces are supposed to be cupids, but they have no arrows, so now they're just fat babies. I have 187 people who RSVP'd "yes" for a 125-seat wedding. Plus, I have to wear my grandmother's choker, but with my hair up it makes me look like one of those African tribeswomen with a coil around my neck.
Turk: Okay, first of all, you best be nice to my cousin, Infume. Second, baby, if we have too many guests, you can un-invite some people.


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