Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
Turk: Where are you going? To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'mma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass! [licks frosting] Mm.

Mr. Corman: I wanna know everything that's wrong with me.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you're not even feeling bad. You don't need this scan. If it would make you happy, we can just go ahead and do the exact same thing we've done the last fifty times you've been in here. Take your temperature, draw some blood, and give you a rectal. It's your basic "Ah! Ow! Oh!"

Turk: The point is, I don't lose my cool.
J.D.: I don't know. Remember back in college, when we had tickets to see Michael Jordan in the playoffs?
[flashback:]
Turk: [singing] We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. 'Cause we got good tickets. We went five hundred miles.
J.D.: Hey, was I supposed to bring the tickets or the sandwiches?
[As Turk realizes they're both holding sandwich bags, he screams and starts pulling out his hair]
J.D.: Oh, God.
Turk: Oh, no! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!
[present:]
J.D.: You shaved your head for the first time after that.

Janitor: You're pathetic.
J.D.: What!?
Janitor: For three years I've been watching you pine after Blonde Doctor, and I gotta tell you, everyone is sick of it "Will they? Won't they? Looks like they're going to! Ooh, at the last second, something went wrong." Come on, enough already! I mean, you guys aren't exactly Ross and Rachel.
J.D.: Who?
Janitor: Dr. Ross, and Rachel from bookkeeping. Why don't you just let her be happy with stunningly handsome, full-lipped guy.

Nurse Roberts: Well, hello there. Can I give you some help?
Tommy: [deep voice] My mommy said you had lollipops. Gimme a red one!

J.D.: [v.o.] In some ways, Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are a lot like an old married couple.
Dr. Kelso: I need your opinion about something.
Dr. Cox: Yes, Bob, those pants do make you look like you're holding water.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I'll tell you the same thing I told a comic I once saw at a strip club in Reno: I'm not here for the jokes.

Turk: Oh, my goodness! I totally kicked that hernia's ass.
Dr. Miller: Nicely done, as usual, Dr. Turk.
Todd: Dude. Why is Hot Doc being so nice to you lately?
Carla: I don't know, but it's about time. I haven't had to work this hard to win someone over since Carla's mom.
Todd: I thought Carla's mom hated you?
Turk: Yeah, but she died, so I'm counting it as a win.

J.D.: [whispering] Dude, Danni did the weirdest thing last night she called out her own name during sex.
Turk: [whispering] That is weird. Why are we whispering?
J.D.: Because she hears like a bat.
Turk: Bats hear really well?
J.D.: Yeah, 'cause they can't see.
Turk: Oh, yeah, that's right, sonar. Wait a second, that's whales.
J.D.: No, no, no, no, no. Bats and whales, bats and whales!

Carla: Nothing's cool! Nothing's cool! Okay, okay The centerpieces are supposed to be cupids, but they have no arrows, so now they're just fat babies. I have 187 people who RSVP'd "yes" for a 125-seat wedding. Plus, I have to wear my grandmother's choker, but with my hair up it makes me look like one of those African tribeswomen with a coil around my neck.
Turk: Okay, first of all, you best be nice to my cousin, Infume. Second, baby, if we have too many guests, you can un-invite some people.

Dr. Cox: I'm not even sweatin'! Because, honest to God, what kind of gullible chump would go ahead and spend a thousand dollars on some silly scan if he's feeling perfectly fine?
Mr. Corman: Hello, Laverne, Shirl!
Dr. Cox: [whimpers].