Dr. Kelso: You know what, if the nurses keep going on like this, I'm going to get them their raise, but I'm going to pay for it by firing three of them, the ugly ones. How does that sound?
Ted: [v.o.] Whatever you think is right, sir.
Ted: You're an ass.
Ted: [v.o.] Ted, you idiot. You just said the out-loud thing in your head and the in-your-head thing out loud! Don't make eye-contact, just keep moving!

Ted: Sir, they aren't asking for much and the little things can make a big difference. I know I'd be a lot happier with some extra cash, or friends, or hair.
Dr. Kelso: How would your life be any different, if you had hair?
[fantasy: Ted, wearing a bright '70s-style suit, has a full head of hair as two women hang on to him while they walk down the shampoo aisle at a rug store:]
Ted: [kissing] Don't worry baby, you'll get your turn.
Woman: Which conditioner are you going to buy?
Ted: Too many choices!
[In frustration, Ted pushes over the conditioner shelves before noticing an elderly woman in the next aisle]
Ted: Mom? No! Why do I have hair? Why? Why do I have hair? Why?
[reality:]
Ted: I wonder if they'd still do me after I buried mom?

Todd: J.D., Turk shouldn't mess with Dr. Green. Now, even though you're only his second best friend, for some reason he listens to you.
J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed. I can't even imagine how I'd try!
[J.D. looks off into the distance]
Todd: [v.o.] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now, I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
Todd: That's helpful.

Turk: I'm sorry but that mother should not be giving her little girl a breast implant for her sweet sixteen present.
Todd: So she's sixteen. What's the big deal, T. Dog?
Turk: Well, I have a daughter. Imagine being a parent.
[fantasy: a salt and pepper-haired Todd is reading a newspaper in his banana-hammock when his similarly-dressed son comes to talk to him:]
Rod: Dad, can I talk to you?
Todd: What's up?
Rod: I don't want to wear a banana hammock anymore.
Todd: Rod why?
Rod: Because I stuff.
Todd: Wanna know a secret?
Rod: I stuff too.
[The Scrubs sad theme plays as the almost naked father and son hug]
[reality:]
Todd: I don't stuff.
Snoop Dogg Resident: Maybe you should.

Jordan: [v.o.] Okay, time to set things straight with that neurotic, bug-eyed, straw-haired...
Jordan: My parents were mean to me.
Elliot: Oh, you don't need to say that. I don't know what you were thinking, although I'm sure that was lovely.

J.D.: [v.o.] And Dr. Kelso was giddy because it was the first Monday of the month. And today nothing could dampen his spirits, not even a grieving family.
Dr. Kelso: I am so sorry for your loss. He was a fighter right to the end. We did everything we could.
J.D.: [v.o.] See, today was the day the hypodermic needles arrived.
Dr. Kelso: Happy needle day, Lloyd.
Lloyd: And to you, Sir. And thanks for sending down an extra set of hands.
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Lloyd: I still don't understand why you get so excited over needles.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to a delightful decimal error made 20 years ago by the good folks at Zeffer Pharmaceuticals, each month Sacred Heart gets $50,000 dollars worth of hypodermic needles for the low, low price of 50 dollars.
Ted: That's it. I can't feel my arms.

J.D.: [v.o.] Lately, people around here were happier then usual. Elliot, because she had finally said those three magic words, I love you. Todd, because he had finally found his true calling as a doctor.
Turk: So what's up with plastic surgery?
Todd: Dude, it's amazing. Just when you think you can't see another great pair of boobs, you see an awesome dong.

Jason: Jumbo coffee for Todd?
Todd: Everything's Jumbo on the Todd.
Todd: [v.o.] It doesn't matter that he's a dude. People should know that you're well endowed.

Jason: Cappuccino for Jordan.
Jordan: Give me that!
Jordan: [v.o.] Now, let's see who I can sit with that will drive me the least insane. [sees Dr. Cox] Ah, definitely not. [sees Elliot & Keith kissing] Oh, what a sweet moment. I should ruin it.
Jordan: Stop that! We're on me now.

Turk: Rounds sucked today.
Todd: I know, Dr. Wen didn't set me up once. He never said bone, organ or suction. I mean, I did what I could with "carpal tunnel", but i don't think people got that I was using that as a metaphor for vagina.