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36Quotes from ‘Their Story’

Scrubs: Their Story

617. Their Story

Aired April 12, 2007

Jordan doesn't get the pay off she was expecting when she messes with Keith and Elliot's relationship. Ted tries to keep the nurses from making a big mistake when they organize a slowdown to campaign for a wage increase. The Todd tries to keep Turk from getting on the wrong side of a plastic surgeon. [Narrated by Jordan, Ted and Todd]

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: You know what, if the nurses keep going on like this, I'm going to get them their raise, but I'm going to pay for it by firing three of them, the ugly ones. How does that sound?
Ted: [v.o.] Whatever you think is right, sir.
Ted: You're an ass.
Ted: [v.o.] Ted, you idiot. You just said the out-loud thing in your head and the in-your-head thing out loud! Don't make eye-contact, just keep moving!

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Quote from J.D.

Turk: J.D., Turk shouldn't mess with Dr. Green. Now, even though you're only his second best friend, for some reason he listens to you.
J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed. I can't even imagine how I'd try!
[J.D. looks off into the distance]
Todd: [v.o.] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now, I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
Todd: That's helpful.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Sir, they aren't asking for much and the little things can make a big difference. I know I'd be a lot happier with some extra cash, or friends, or hair.
Dr. Kelso: How would your life be any different, if you had hair?
[fantasy: Ted, wearing a bright '70s-style suit, has a full head of hair as two women hang on to him while they walk down the shampoo aisle at a rug store:]
Ted: [kissing] Don't worry baby, you'll get your turn.
Woman: Which conditioner are you going to buy?
Ted: Too many choices!
[In frustration, Ted pushes over the conditioner shelves before noticing an elderly woman in the next aisle]
Ted: Mom? No! Why do I have hair? Why? Why do I have hair? Why?
[reality:]
Ted: I wonder if they'd still do me after I buried mom?

Quote from Todd

Turk: I'm sorry but that mother should not be giving her little girl a breast implant for her sweet sixteen present.
Todd: So she's sixteen. What's the big deal, T. Dog?
Turk: Well, I have a daughter. Imagine being a parent.
[fantasy: a salt and pepper-haired Todd is reading a newspaper in his banana-hammock when his similarly-dressed son comes to talk to him:]
Rod: Dad, can I talk to you?
Todd: What's up?
Rod: I don't want to wear a banana hammock anymore.
Todd: Rod why?
Rod: Because I stuff.
Todd: Wanna know a secret?
Rod: I stuff too.
[The Scrubs sad theme plays as the almost naked father and son hug]
[reality:]
Todd: I don't stuff.
Snoop Dogg Resident: Maybe you should.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: [v.o.] Okay, time to set things straight with that neurotic, bug-eyed, straw-haired...
Jordan: My parents were mean to me.
Elliot: Oh, you don't need to say that. I don't know what you were thinking, although I'm sure that was lovely.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] And Dr. Kelso was giddy because it was the first Monday of the month. And today nothing could dampen his spirits, not even a grieving family.
Dr. Kelso: I am so sorry for your loss. He was a fighter right to the end. We did everything we could.
J.D.: [v.o.] See, today was the day the hypodermic needles arrived.
Dr. Kelso: Happy needle day, Lloyd.
Lloyd: And to you, Sir. And thanks for sending down an extra set of hands.
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Lloyd: I still don't understand why you get so excited over needles.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks to a delightful decimal error made 20 years ago by the good folks at Zeffer Pharmaceuticals, each month Sacred Heart gets $50,000 dollars worth of hypodermic needles for the low, low price of 50 dollars.
Ted: That's it. I can't feel my arms.

Quote from Todd

Turk: All I'm saying is, it's not right. The girl's only sixteen.
Dr. Green: Yeah, you know, I felt the same way until her mother's check cleared. Look, you're not even in my department, so maybe I'm missing something here, do you see any of your beeswax here? Because I sure as hell don't. Dr. Todd, do you see Dr. Turk's beeswax?
Todd: [v.o.] What the hell was he talking about?
Dr. Green: Todd, come. Look, I know your buddy thinks he's the bee's knees.
Todd: [v.o.] What is it with this dude and bees?
Dr. Green: But if he keeps poking his nose in my business, I will torch him with every other department head in this place. See how that helps his career.
Todd: Internal uh-oh five! Uh-oh!

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: I think there's something wrong with me.
Dr. Cox: Now, that is the understatement of this still very young century. I may have screwed up Blonde Stick's relationship, and now I have this really weird feeling.
Dr. Cox: It's called guilt, you Vulcan. And why in the hell are you giving up relationship advice, anyway? What are you, Oprah?
[fantasy: Jordan hosts her own chat show:]
Jordan: Hi, everyone! We're back. We're talking with Barbara, a cancer survivor, who went on to form her own headscarf company. Tell us about that.
Barbara: When my hair fell out from the chemo...
Jordan: Not only is that a huge downer but scarves are tacky. Instead, how about I dance with a little girl who looks just like me? [dances] Right, look at us, we're like twins! Can you believe it?
[reality:]
Jordan: I would watch that show! Anyway, go fix this for me!

Quote from Janitor

Ted: Carla needs to end this slow down but she won't listen to me. People rarely do. Would you talk to her?
Janitor: Yes! Nope, can't do it Ted. If you piss her off, she's gonna turn on you and I can't have her digging off the skeletons in my closet. Although, technically there won't be skeletons for 6 to 8 weeks, right now they're just dead badgers.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: What are you thinking, Ted?
Ted: [v.o.] I could jam this through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in here to stop me.
Ted: The usual, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you'd never do it. You don't have the guts.
Carla: If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems anymore? I can't sleep more than forty minutes without needing to take a whiz.
Carla: Unfortunately for you, somebody left the invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. They are really undercharging you. So, either you shell out the extra twenty grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, are you responsible for this?
Ted: Please, sir I don't have the guts!
Ted: [v.o.] Oh, yeah! Suck it, bitch! I will murder you!

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: I don't know why I messed with your head.
Elliot: [wakes up] Di- Di- Did you start talking? 'cause I should brush my teeth.
Jordan: At first I thought, I was just being mean, 'cause you know I enjoy the misery of others.
Elliot: It's not really a secret.
Jordan: Whenever I see someone in love, I just lose it and turn into an awful person.
Elliot: Give yourself a break, Jordan. Your parents were really mean to you.
Jordan: Here's the big secret: they weren't. They were actually very supportive. I don't know how this happened. Look, Elliot, I'm a woman in her very, very, very, late 30s, who has problems opening herself up to love. I hate being vulnerable. I still play mind games, Hell, to make Perry feel inadequate, sometimes I fake not having orgasms.
Elliot: Huh.
Jordan: The point is if you wanna be happy, you should never ever listen to me.
Elliot: You maybe also wanna say you're sorry?
Jordan: I do not.

Quote from Todd

J.D.: [v.o.] Lately, people around here were happier then usual. Elliot, because she had finally said those three magic words, I love you. Todd, because he had finally found his true calling as a doctor.
Turk: So what's up with plastic surgery?
Todd: Dude, it's amazing. Just when you think you can't see another great pair of boobs, you see an awesome dong.

Quote from Todd

Jason: Jumbo coffee for Todd?
Todd: Everything's Jumbo on the Todd.
Todd: [v.o.] It doesn't matter that he's a dude. People should know that you're well endowed.

Quote from Jordan

Jason: Cappuccino for Jordan.
Jordan: Give me that!
Jordan: [v.o.] Now, let's see who I can sit with that will drive me the least insane. [sees Dr. Cox] Ah, definitely not. [sees Elliot & Keith kissing] Oh, what a sweet moment. I should ruin it.
Jordan: Stop that! We're on me now.

Quote from Todd

Turk: Rounds sucked today.
Todd: I know, Dr. Wen didn't set me up once. He never said bone, organ or suction. I mean, I did what I could with "carpal tunnel", but i don't think people got that I was using that as a metaphor for vagina.

Quote from Todd

Turk: Todd, I'm talking about when that intern asked me about cardiovascular instabilities.
Todd: [v.o.] Turk's bummed. He definitely needs an high-five, but which one? Chin-up five? Tough-to-be-black five? Need-a-hug five? Need-a-tug five? Wait! What's he talking about? Okay, just take the last one he says and add a five, dude.
Turk: Oh, I don't know, it just all seems a little unfair.
Todd: Unfair five.
Turk: Thanks, mate. You always know the right thing to say.
Todd: I work hard on this.

Quote from Janitor

Ted: Carla, can you pull a file for me?
Carla: Sorry, I need another five hours to put this box of needles away.
Ted: I don't get it.
Dr. Kelso: It's a slowdown, Ted. The nurses think they're being clever. Still treating patients, but with everything else moving more slowly. And why are you standing here doing nothing?
Janitor: I know this is a slowdown, but I can't really work any slower than I normally do, so I pretty much have to come to a complete stop. Now, if you're asking why I'm standing here, specifically, it's because I replaced that light bulb with a tanning bulb. I'm tired of being the only white guy at my mosque.


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